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Very High Volumes of Desperate Searches It may come as a surprise (or perhaps not at all if you are one), but when a new widow or widower is in the throes of losing their spouse, they almost always scramble to find the resources they need . In the midst of their pain, they go to the only places they know to try to find answers- Reddit/other forums, Facebook groups, and of course, Google. In the midst of their loss, they start searching: "what to do when your spouse dies" "what to do when your husband dies?" "what to do after death of a spouse" Or, just looking for the answer to their need, straight and simple: "what to do when a spouse dies checklist pdf" Whether you are in total numbing shock, a fog of grief, or the wailing throes of being bereft, you suddenly must manage a major list of to-dos.... without even knowing what should be on the list. It can be a nightmare. And it's why we either stumble along with even higher grief and stress, or we go desperately searching for the resources, grieving tips, financial advice, and other support in our widowhood. Unfortunately, I get it, my friend. When my husband died at 30 yrs old, I was at a loss in so many ways. Married when we were both 19, we had basically grown up together. There were specific things we each took responsibility for, and regrettably, I didn't know much about many of the financial, maintenance and other tasks that I had just become solely responsible for. As I tried to figure it out, I missed cues that his identity was stolen, landing me 12+ hours over the next few months in the police station and filling out papers and online forms to protect myself and my children from the mounting charges in his name. I also did not realize there was an order to follow in going about switching things over, and I made the mistake of reporting his death to one of our main credit cards at the wrong moment... which promptly got shut down. I had no access (even with my name on it as a surviving spouse). This meant auto pay on critical bills stopped, and I didn't even know what they were! All of our passwords were conveniently organized in a file that was safely password protected. And by safe, I mean real safe . It was so safe, even I didn't know what it was (or had forgotten). In any case, I never figured it out, and never gained access to the much needed information. I remember sitting in my late husband's home office on the floor, surrounded with envelopes that I didn't even understand (except the parts where things were threatened to be shut off). I wailed and sobbed on the floor for hours... many hours, over the months following. To this day, when there is a technical/password/financial bump or scare, I have to work through it carefully to handle my trauma response. Let's set you up to navigate your journey differently. The Checklist for the Newly Widowed When I started Hope Speaker to help those impacted by widowhood, suicide and/or spiritual abuse, I knew one of the first resources I needed to create was for those who has just lost their spouse. When your person dies, the last thing you need is something else causing you more pain, distress, and grief. So from my own personal experience, research, and from the input of financial advisors, I created what I feel is the BEST FREE resource I could: The Newly Widowed Checklist It is a simple pdf download that is a streamlined guide for someone who just lost their spouse through: Preventing/Dealing with Identity Theft Obtaining Needed Documents Considering the Order of Tasks to Prevent Problems Taking Over Management As well as the important heart-level areas of: Sorting Through their Belongings Getting Basic/Essential Support from Others Being Gentle with Yourself It is available for free, here: The Newly Widowed Checklist And whomever obtains it will also be added to the community for other free resources and inspiration in their journey toward HOPE. If you have lost your spouse, I am so incredibly sorry to welcome you to these trenches, but I want you to know that you are not, and will never be, alone. If you know someone who has lost their spouse, please share the above link to support them in navigating these waters. It is the checklist they need, and will likely be searching for. Hope Speaker is here in the pain: "...so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." -2 Corinthians 1:4 With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

"Wait, my daughter, and see what happens..." -Ruth 3:18 The verse had been beautifully burned onto a piece of wood (at my request) as a reminder, and I had put it up in my bedroom, so that every night when I climbed into bed, I would be looking straight at it. This night, however, I glared in its direction with disbelief and in anger, sitting alone in what felt like unbearable pain. It had been somewhere short of 1,000 days since my life started its downward spiral. Hundreds and hundreds of days and nights, suffering. My incredible husband becoming addicted, angry, abusive, and dying by suicide The loss of trust in my church that told me to "submit" to it, then questioned nearly everything about my character and motives in the aftermath Feeling personal and outside guilt for my husband's death The loss of our financial stability Navigating COVID as a new widow with 4 children Losing relationships Being taken advantage of in a variety of ways Living every day carrying an impossible load Saying it was all "too much" is an understatement. The intense pain and struggle would continue for years to come... and in addition to struggling intensely with suicide, I would actually end up attempting myself, twice. Hopelessness kills people. Everyday. So what do we do when the suffering truly seems endless? When we feel we are way past our capacity and limits, with no end to the pain in sight? We must come to some, very real hope , if we are going to make it through the dark night of the soul alive (physically, as well as staying present to our lives). The Reality of Suffering Research in neuroscience, general and mental health, relationships, family structures, socioeconomics and beyond show that there are massive (and long-term) implications of ongoing pain. This is true for pain of all kinds- physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. We are well past the time of hiding behind ignorance and downplaying suffering. Our refusal to deal with our own wounds (and those of others) has predictable, tangible, and destructive implications. And yet, we also know that it is through the experiences of suffering that some of the most resilient and transformative changes can come. "Post traumatic growth" has been used to describe “positive psychological changes experienced as a result of the struggle with trauma or highly challenging situations." However, it is so important that this narrative not be laid over every person's suffering, with the expectation to find the silver lining in loss... which often leads those suffering into greater distress. How can we look honestly at suffering, and still find real hope to hold on to? Why Our Pain Problem is the Foundation to HOPE Humans have a capacity problem. The fact is, we are very limited. Our nervous systems have a "window of tolerance" (heck, even our tempers do). We are restricted in our physical health, constrained by financial and tangible resources, and have (truly) little control over pretty much all of the external factors in our lives. Although our attempts to create and build purposeful contributions in our lives and world are good, we all experience pain. Eventually, most of us face significant losses and must come to terms with the fact that many of them may be people and things we will never again have in this lifetime. Where is hope when our loved one has died, and will never be coming back? How do we find enjoyment in a life where we may have permanent losses to our body and health? These paths of suffering are excruciating, because we cannot change them. And it is often the feeling and belief of being trapped or stuck in the pain that causes people to lose hope, check out on their life, and perhaps even end it. I am going to share something with you I have been transformed by in my own journey of post traumatic growth. I share this from a posture that does NOT take your suffering lightly. I ask that you do not take mine lightly, either, but rather hear me out: It is in coming to the end of putting our hopes in what we can lose that we find where its true and lasting source lies. What if all the circumstances of your life are only a small fraction of what it actually turns out to be? The vast majority of your life, and you who are, is decided by what you will choose to do with that small fraction of events. And the even better news is that it doesn't entirely depend on us! We are not the answer in and of ourselves. While we can choose much of who we are to become, we are very limited, remember? Our true HOPE comes from partnering with the One who has no limits, and can bring us a beautiful and resilient life through , in and after our greatest losses, suffering and pain. Two Truths- The Good News We Need To Endure 1) The Pain Will End When we are going through the worst pain we have ever experienced, and it isn't stopping, we need to know that it will end. The belief that "life will always be this way" can lead us to hopelessness and despair. Let me encourage you that things will NOT always be the way they are now. This is not a platitude, it is a guaranteed reality in two ways: External Circumstances Most of the struggles we face in life are ever-changing. Although they weigh us down, they can, and do, change! Our financial situations, relationships, families, life opportunities, and many of the losses we face are things that can be renewed and rebuilt. You are not locked into this situation being your forever reality; it's an impossibility for it to always be this way. So hold on to the hope that this is going to look different for you in the next season. It may not be all at once, but you are NOT trapped here and it will NOT always be the way it is now. Internal States Where you are at in your physical and mental health, as well as your beliefs/frame of mind are also not static. Again, it is a physiological impossibility for you to remain in a state where you always feel this way, or think this way. Your body (brain neurotransmitters, hormones, etc.) are always changing and trying to move toward homeostasis (balance). This is critical, because although you may feel so strongly that it is hopeless, you will not always feel this way and see it as such; and you do not want to make a decision (such as ending your life) from a basis of what is false . While suicidal struggles can be ongoing, the suicidal crisis "stage," when people complete typically lasts only minutes to hours. We need to use that fact to get us through those minutes, hours... days and years. It will not always be this way! 2) His Faithfulness Will Carry You Until the Pain Ends What about the losses that are irreversible in our lives, such as the death of a loved one or a permanent disability or loss? Although it may not seem helpful right now, I pray this reality helps you hold on to hope: Even our entire lifetime here is temporary; it is still true that it will not always be this way. This truth, rightly held, actually keeps us from unaliving ourselves here to get there quicker. It strengthens us to fight the good fight, finish the race, and keep the faith (2 Tim 4:7) until the real end of the race (our lifetime). What keeps us from quitting when we truly experience the end of ourselves? When we are past capacity and at the end of our limits? It's that the Lord has none, and can strengthen and carry us, with unyielding faithfulness, through that which we could not endure very well. In Him, we can do it gloriously; the impossible is possible. At times, I have still had suicidal thoughts/struggles. When I hear the same old song/cry in my depths saying, "I can't do this anymore!" (keep living), I rebuke it. I remind myself that He never quits, and is holding me fast, in a grip that never lets go. I cannot cry out, "YOU can't do this anymore!" to God and believe it. I know He is capable, and that is where I go when I am at my end . In this way, I see that I can, and will, survive. Anything. In Him, you can, too. The paradox of HOPE In my own life with tragedy and trauma, I have come to find the most blessed of realities: "Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." -J.K. Rowling True HOPE and life, that cannot be taken from you or lost again, can be found nowhere else but in Him. And He is SO FAITHFUL to carry you through. May you know it, experientially. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

To my beautiful, shattered, widow sister, Welcome to the family. I know you hate the very sentiment. You want to wake up from this nightmare, are looking for a way out, and have only joined us screaming and wailing (most likely, literally). It's ok. That's how we all came. I know that all you want is to have him back. We aren't offended that you didn't want to join the club. We will still stand with you, arms opened wide... because when you are ready, you will likely start asking, "How can I meet other widows? How can I connect with someone who gets it ?" Because the loneliness can be suffocating. The cold, empty bed at night. The silence when you call their name out loud. The empty seat at the table. I'm so sorry. We all hate it. But this place of forced stillness? It's also can be a place where you may hear the Lord clearer than you ever have. Where you experience Him holding you in comfort in ways you have never known before. Where your gifts and light are going to shine bright; where we shine brighter together. Welcome to growth. The kind no one chooses. The kind where you will become a completely different person you never knew before... a person you are going to be so proud of and thankful for. Widowhood is its own kind of place. It's a place where religious duty dies and reverence is born. It's where you pray in primal cries and find your truest of friends. It's a place of wrestling, where you refuse to quit unless God blesses you... And you will be strengthened, and begin to transform. Welcome to fortitude and resilience. You are going to face the monster of grief every day and, somehow, get through the day. You will quit a hundred million times and say "I can't do this," and yet, you keep winning... because you are alive the next day, still doing it. You see, winning is living. Breathing is worship. Victory and love are simply received. Where you are weakest - He is strong. That's how you know you're going to make it. Welcome to rebuilding. When you look around, you see rubble, loss... a graveyard. That's because your person is still missing. But ground zero can be the foundation for something beautiful to be rebuilt. I know the future is frightening, but trust me when I say that there is more for you. More laughter, more love, more joy... more life. Though you lost a part of you when he died, you did not die. You will not die from this. Your story isn't over yet. And you are not alone. Welcome to intimacy. Not the kind you had before (sorry!). However, you have the opportunity to be truly known... because all your colors are going to be seen. It's ok. You are way past capacity. You are beyond "keeping it together." You are too limited to put on masks and please other people (who have no idea). You are going to fail. Widowhood is a sh** show. It's a gift, actually! You're going to learn mercy, grace, and love from it's truest sources- God and safe people (and widowhood is full of great company). Don't worry about how other people feel about or respond to your grief. Just find and hold on to the ones who will companion you well in the journey. Welcome to hope. If you can hear it from me in any capacity, please tuck this truth nugget deep, through all of the pain and anger and disbelief into your heart, where it will be waiting for you: You are going to be ok. I know nothing is ok right now. I know you are not ok right now. I know you cannot fathom being ok in a life where he is not living. But you are going to make it. And it will be good again. Not the same good... but still good again. You can find identity, healing, purpose, and the power to keep living a beautiful life. As a new widow, I am here to welcome you. Yes, into grief, and into pain, but also into family, growth, fortitude and resilience, rebuilding, intimacy, and hope. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

“I have been doing this for so long, but I can't do it anymore,” I said, crying. "I feel like a dog chained to a pole, taking a beating over and over. I can't get out, and I feel like I am going to bite." I was sitting with the two most powerful men in my life at that time- my husband and my pastor. I had felt unheard for years, and this day, I was desperate for them to understand how deeply I was struggling in the pain. I decided to reveal where I actually was. "I can't keep doing this." I repeated. "The acting out over and over, and now it's getting worse... and I'm just supposed to go on with the day, and the next day, like it never happened. It's been 10 years... I can't keep doing life where every time I hear the train go by, I wish I was under it." I was still crying, but I stopped speaking after saying it out loud... I felt so much shame for struggling with suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately, the answer that I longed for - one that allowed me to have limits and boundaries - did not come. In fact, nothing changed. Later I would hear again that I was the unstable and reactionary one, with "extreme emotions." Empowerment wasn’t a word in my vocabulary then - but it was the lifeline I didn’t know I needed. I found it a while later when I joined two separate support groups and began weekly counseling. I was desperate for hope, for personal growth, and for lasting change. With support, I set and held a significant boundary as the addiction escalated (even reaching illegal behaviors); we separated for about a week's time. I needed the time: so I didn't react ("bite" as I felt I was going to snap), and to pray, seek counsel, and determine what I needed to go forward in a different direction... one I could live in. One we could rebuild our marriage in. I soon found out that the separation was not only considered unjustified and a lack of submission, but actually a "sin" that I needed to repent for and promise to never consider again. My declining husband demanded it, and the pastor ultimately agreed with him that I was in the wrong and didn't have grounds. In the face of being called a feminist and being told repeatedly to submit to increasing abuse, what I leaned on and kept saying (even when physically cornered) was, "The Holy Spirit is not convicting me of sin. I can't say it was wrong. I can't say I won't have boundaries." Materials from my groups were ripped up, and asking to read a book from Dr. Cloud on boundaries together sparked rage. I went to Barnes and Noble to read more about boundaries, abuse, and what to do... in secret. My attempt to end the grasp of hopelessness, suicide, and addiction over myself became the vortex around which everything centered, and continued to spiral - to the loss of my husband's life and my church community. Widowhood came with another level of feeling powerless and hopeless... and in the midst of the losses, grief and guilt, I found myself more suicidal than ever before. Rock Bottom is Sacred Ground Here's the beauty of finding yourself at the ground zero wreckage - the rebuilding of something resilient, and something stronger. As you say “yes” to healing, you step into deeper faith as an act of hope... because the Lord graciously empowers all of His children. Empowerment is not just about freedom of action/autonomy, but, as I will argue, critical to having HOPE — including the belief that change is possible and worth pursuing. Through Hope Speaker, I focus on empowering women impacted by widowhood, spiritual abuse, or suicide, to take hold of HOPE and confidently lead their future into it. Why is this so important? Why are hope and empowerment crucially linked; not just to one another, but to our relationship with God as well as very tangible outcomes in our lives? Why are they vital in the fight against suicide, the healing of spiritual abuse, and healing and growth in widowhood? Let's explore a little. Defining Empowerment: The Catalyst for Change & Gift of God Here are just a couple definitions of empowerment: The authority or power for to someone to do something. The process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in decision making regarding one's own life. I would like to ask: are we truly able to grow without autonomy? If we are merely "changed" by another - their will, their actions, by their decisions or in their way - are we really transformed? Even though God is perfectly sovereign, all-knowing, all-powerful, and in control... we see Him give every person the gift of free will and the allowance of choice. Isn't that the path to authentic love and transformation? Our ability to choose Him, or not to? Therefore, aren't we to reflect this to one another in our allowance of the freedoms which God has given? In fact, the agency and choices God gives us are what make us humans created in His image (He gave this no other creature). We will even stand before Him, accountable to the responsibility of managing ourselves and our own lives well. How then, can we take this from one another in any way? It is God Himself who gives it. There is no person, no gender, no role... in or by which God has designed us to disempower another human being. The problem with this definition of empowerment- The act or action of empowering someone or something : the granting of the power, right, or authority... - is that in our brokenness, we do not grant power or authority to others (but disempower them instead). It is unbiblical, and wrong, to deny/disempower/coerce anyone away from the autonomy that God Himself gives as a right and responsibility. Just this last week I read in 1 Corinthians 12 (ESV): "Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. " -v. 4-6 " All these [gifts] are empowered by one and the same Spirit , who apportions to each one individually as he wills." -v. 11 What a picture of the Lord giving us roles, purpose, and gifts... along with the authority by His Spirit to carry them out! It is true for all of us in the Church. Given this, I would like to offer a definition for Christian empowerment: An active, faith-driven partnership with God that embraces the autonomy and responsibility He gives every human, to walk in His purposes and power. Why Empowerment Creates Deep, Sustainable Change Often in life there are sufferings, circumstances, and seasons of waiting where we can only trust the Lord. Thankfully, He is our hope; a sure and steadfast anchor for the soul (Heb. 6:19). What we are talking about in this blog is where we do/should have choice and power as a change agent in our own lives, which is plentiful for us... more than we realize. Additionally, walking in this empowerment is also from confidence rooted in His promises. Proof We have discovered that equipping people with the power and freedom of self-determination is superior in ensuring success, dignity, and sustainable change in a wide variety of areas: Education, business training and financial literacy programs improve impoverished communities in becoming self-sufficient over the ongoing need for outside direction and support. Empowerment initiatives for women in developing nations (for example: microfinance programs in Bangladesh) reduce poverty and foster generational change. Science shows through neuroplasticity that empowerment and hope help rewire the brain for resilience and growth after trauma. These are just a few drops in the bucket. The evidence is clear- supporting systems that empower people rather than focusing on maintaining control offers better outcomes and more growth. While authority and leadership are both necessary and are gifts to provide structure and move toward common goals, we should be extremely wary of a mindset or practice which tries to supersede an individual's agency over themselves. Even within the parameters of Christianity, encouraging God's people to walk in the empowerment He grants through the Holy Spirit keeps faith from being dependent, fragile, and stagnant. The entire Bible is full of God calling and empowering His people by the His Spirit to subdue the earth and fulfill the great commission. Often, our white-knuckle, fearful attempts to control exactly what that should look like and stay in charge end up hobbling the people who could be contributing to the body and to the world. In every area, loving empowerment is freeing people to live more sustainable, purposeful lives. And it is vital to healing, resilience, trauma / spiritual abuse recovery, and sustainable change through relational faith. The Synergy of Empowerment and HOPE Hope and empowerment are not merely linked; together they are exponentially more impactful. ➡️ Empowering people to act and grow promotes hope: Think of Mordecai's encouragement of Esther to boldly and unlawfully approach the King, despite the expectations and limits on her role as a female in that day. His words to her were these: "...who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” -Esther 4:14 He imparted courage, and even appealed to the power and authority God gave her to move into action and into hope- for her and all her people. ➡️ And, hope can in turn sustain empowerment: Paul’s endurance came from hope in God’s promise of redemption: "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." -Rom. 8:18 Empowerment and hope can together create an upward spiral into initiating and persevering on life's journey. ...And their impact on Suicide The impact of empowerment on HOPE is absolutely crucial. It is literally a matter of life and death, because: Hopelessness kills people. Every day. Not only do I know this intimately from experience. It is well-known from research. Here are just a couple of experts on the subject: Dr. Amen, who has studied suicidal brains for 45+ years, states: "What we learn is people go toward suicidal thoughts when they become hopeless, when they feel like they have no sense of agency... " Dr. Adam David, a Certified Clinical Psychologist and Trauma Expert shared this: "You want to stifle somebody's hope? Isolate them. You want to bolster someone's hope? Put them in a tribe with people that are there to support them , and see them, and care for them, and tell them, ' You measure up and you have something to offer. ' " Empowerment gives HOPE and saves lives. Suicide can feel like your only option when you are trapped in excruciating pain. Feeling stuck, in some cases, is the experience of being disempowered; being told and/or believing you have no other choices and no way out. Helping people to learn how God empowers them, how to listen to their bodies (it's cues and wisdom), to know and honor their needs and limits, to have a voice in self-determination of their lives, to set boundaries to keep themself in a safe and God-honoring place... This is suicide prevention! This is empowering people with hope. Practical Empowerment Strategies The good news is that we can help to empower others with hope. The even better news is that when others don't do this for us, we can embrace the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, and embolden ourselves to live in His authority! Here are some additional, tangible takeaways (with emphasis on empowerment strategies for women, faith-based healing ideas, and trauma recovery tips): Identify systemic challenges that hinder you, such as generational trauma, false cultural stigmas, and spiritual abuse. Embrace personal agency with God’s help. Set healthy boundaries in relationships (all of them). Seek trauma-informed counseling or spiritual mentorship. Seek collective healing within a safe, supportive body of Christ and other communities. Build resilience through adaptive strategies. Become a mentor or advocate for others. These things can help you in overcoming barriers to empowerment, growing in faith-based resilience, and healing from generational trauma. Your Empowerment Journey My friend, you are not stuck in your pain, or trapped in hopelessness. Sustainable change is possible when anchored in both empowerment and hope. You are more free than you may know right now, and hope is closer than you feel. Together, let’s take hold of the future God has for you. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe  (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drop

“Whatever I am supposed to be as a woman in the church, what's most important to me is that it’s honoring to the Lord. I want to please Him, I want to do what He says… and for my whole life I thought I knew what that was- it was what I was taught. But that desire was manipulated and used to keep me submissive, even in abuse…” “It’s scary to begin to question, and to seek- what does the Bible really say? It feels wrong when you’re used to being unquestioning, trusting what the leadership is telling you. Trusting they are theologically on point. And as you start to speak up, there's rejection... But I’m finally realizing His love for me, and my place in His people, is different than what I’ve been told.” I recently sat and exchanged words with another woman in my area who was in the process of leaving her church, after abuse, divorce, lack of honesty and support from the church finally became enough for her to take a stand. I resonated so much with not just her experience, but her heart. The Devastating Cost of Error Accurate theology and biblical interpretation are so important . As humans, we can make up our minds and follow our own desires and ideas to any end. The Bible guides us in God’s ways of goodness, truth, and love. I understood from my lifetime in church that sound doctrine was a protection (against things like a women’s movement who want to throw off male leadership). That’s why I, as a woman, looked at those who “rocked the boat,” “gossiped” about leaders and left the church as ignorant, prideful or wayward. The problem is that misinterpretation of the Word also created the lived reality my friend and I have navigated. Though we thought we knew the answers, what we experienced (in words and actions) was: “You don’t have grounds for those lines you want to draw. You need to trust God and submit.” “You need to trust your husband and submit.” “I am telling you what to do. You need to trust me and submit.” “Don’t question or correct me; I won’t receive it. You do the listening and obeying.” “Your husband’s voice and decisions hold more value, weight, and validity than yours… in your marriage and even over your own body.” It even set the stage for abuse as defined by law in our families to never be reported (though pastors are mandatory reporters) as they “managed” the situation… by telling us to yield to our spouses. I remember a light bulb moment after an experience with pastors in my widowhood (one that was both devastating and demeaning). I wondered why these men were acting as though they didn’t need to be humble or teachable in my concerns of what had happened, and what was still happening at that time. Later, the light bulb went off related to the doctrine I'd been taught there over a decade: As a woman, I was “under” these men who believe biblical interpretations that women are not to teach them… If they believed I am not to teach them, how could they ever, really, learn from me!? This is why I was repeatedly being corrected instead of heard. This was why they were so harsh when I began to push back, even though I was so broken and vulnerable after my husband's death, trying to find understanding and safety. Complementarian and Egalitarian Biblical accuracy holds heavy weight and has major implications. Let’s address two theological views (though not the only two) right off the bat: Complementarianism: a view that men and women have different but complementary roles and responsibilities in marriage, family, and religious life. Egalitarianism: a view that people are equal before God in their personhood, and there are no gender-based limitations of what functions or roles each can fulfill in the home, the church, and the society. [For the record, I personally am somewhere in between these two views, or at least I refuse the distorted extremes of both... which result in crippling women in the church in complementarian views, or losing gender distinctions altogether in egalitarian views.] The Implications of Beliefs... Here’s the problem with what many are arguing is Biblical complementarianism - see if you can hear it in less than 4 minutes: 🚩 Here are a few red flags, in case you missed them: Women cannot trust their intuition, honor their limits or have their own boundaries You are called to submit to abuse until it gets bad enough/the men deem it “bad enough" Then, supposedly this same hierarchical system will be your “protection” (while things are kept behind the churches closed doors) Even in gross/extreme examples of abuse of her as a person, her posture is still to be submissive rather than authoritative in any way The belief that a woman’s higher submission to the Lord keeps her under these things, rather than the recognition that it frees her from it! These wounds, these cries, our collective healing- are why it is critical to know what God really says about, and to, women. What does the Bible say? Jesus Jesus walked into a world that treated women as property and transformed everything. He didn't just acknowledge or include women. He saw them… truly saw them, and truly loved them. He spoke with the Samaritan woman at the well - a conversation that shattered every social and religious boundary of His time. Jesus chose her, and her story spills over with redemption. Rejected by society, but embraced by divinity. She becomes the first evangelist to her entire community. Though she was female, especially in that day, Jesus picked her to be a voice and the one to lead this change. He praised Mary sitting at His feet and learning - a position reserved exclusively for male disciples. Jesus appeared first to women after His resurrection, entrusting them with the most world-changing message in human history, though the men of the world thought nothing of a woman’s testimony. And women, “disobedient, sinful” women, were significant inclusions in the redemptive story and lineage of Christ Himself. Jesus did not make women small, invisible, or silenced. His empowerment of the lowly is a wild, expansive story of liberation. God persistently, relentlessly lifted and called the marginalized- women. The thing is, the church I was abused in acknowledged this from the pulpit. Let’s keep looking... Paul Paul can be used/misinterpreted as a theological misogynist (sexist jerk) … but he was actually a profound advocate for women's spiritual authority. His New Testament writings aren't a handbook for suppression. They're a blueprint for radical belonging. Look at Romans 16 – and we see Phoebe, a deacon. Junia, an apostle. Priscilla, a teacher who guided even learned men like Apollos. They were leaders carrying the very heartbeat of the early church (though often downplayed and undermined, as far as having any actual “roles” in the church). When Paul writes about submission in Ephesians 5, he begins with a revolutionary statement: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Mutual submission isn't weakness. It's the truest reflection of Christ's own nature - a laying down of power, not a grasping of it. Paul presents it as greater than hierarchy, domination, and exclusion. However, mutual submission was also acknowledged from my former church’s pulpit... Biblical Restrictions of Women's Roles- The "Clearest" Passages So what about the passages that are very clear in putting women in their “biblical place” that were taught and reinforced to me? As I grew in my relationship with the Lord, I did really struggle to understand these passages that seemed so anti-God (the One of Love I had grown to know more and more personally). These typical go-to passages include: 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 “Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.” 1 Timothy 2, especially verses 11-12 “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” With the reason following in verses 13-14 “For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.” From this comes the argument that the roots of these limitations on women’s roles are in Genesis, mandating this restriction of women in the church for all people and all time. Wrong All Along? However, this interpretation does not line up with the clear, God-given identity, and empowering directive (given for all time and all people) in Genesis for both men and women together in Gen. 1: 27-28: “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” There are many arguments against the idea that Paul gave prohibitions for women that apply to all women in the church and for all time (and the Biblical contradictions in holding such a view). But we don't hear them, of course, in these churches. Looking at the gender passages through the lens of their original context gives entirely different means of valid interpretation… and in some crucial texts, revealing Paul once again saying the exact opposite of what it sounds like he’s saying (based on knowing the context). We hear of these contexts in looking at passages about slavery, head coverings, and others... but not too much regarding women's roles. These are CRITICAL distinctions in the lives of half of the church. I wish I could go into all the details here. Willing to Reconsider What You "Know"? However, I will submit a couple of resources I have dug into, which implore you to consider. They are more than worth the time to listen/read and deeply consider . Here they are, with links: Almost Heretical Podcast Episode #34 Authority over a man (1 Timothy 2:11-15) Episode #35 Adam, then Eve (1 Timothy 2:11-15) See their full Gender series (1-9, above episodes included) HERE They are lengthy discussions, but I found them very in depth and helpful. Research Paper This seminary paper is written by Rose Pauly, a dear and brilliant friend, whom has read and researched extensively on both sides of the issue. Example of A Change of Mind Rick Warren, a famous pastor and author, had previously accepted (and preached) that limiting women in leadership was Biblical. Later, after what he says was a a Spirit-led change of heart, he wrote a public apology to all women in the church and announced his support of the roles of women he previously opposed: “My biggest regret in 53 years of ministry is that I didn’t do my own personal exegesis sooner on the 4 passages used to restrict women. Shame on me. I wasted those 4 yrs of Greek in college & seminary. When I finally did my proper “due diligence”, laying aside 50 years of bias, I was shocked, chagrined, and embarrassed. So many hermeneutical rules were being violated including: Never build a doctrine on a single word that is used only once in scripture! There's nothing to compare it to (correlation) Do your own study of authentien in ancient Greek and you’ll be shocked too… But I DO want to do this: I PUBLICLY APOLOGIZE to every good women in my life, church, and ministry that I failed to speak up for in my years of ignorance. What grieves me is that I hindered them in obeying the Great Commission command (And Acts 2:17-18) that EVERYONE is to TEACH in the church. I held them back from using the spiritual gifts and leadership skills that the Holy Spirit had sovereignly placed in them. That breaks my heart now…” His church, Saddleback Church in California, was removed from the Southern Baptist Convention… with others to follow as the SBC banned these roles for women, and expelled churches that would support them. May the Church have the humility to repent. Final Plea Is there really a question about whether the higher priority is protecting ownership, control and restrictions, or the God-given empowerment of His people (especially of the "least of these")? Where is the gospel? Where is the heart of Jesus? When did supporting the voice and role of women become equated with usurping the voice and role of men? When did we stop being part of the great commission together, and instead focus on hobbling half of the church in it’s giftings and abilities to spread the Lord’s love by all means ? And why have we made these means "wrong" when they are a fulfillment of sharing the gospel, and do not dishonor God in any way? We've turned spiritual gifts into a limited resource. Rationed. Controlled. As if God's Spirit can be contained by human fear. As if divine breath and championing of all his children can be silenced by institutional walls or misinterpretation. This isn't about political correctness. This is about remembering who we were redeemed to be. Whole. Heard. Holy - set apart from the darkness, NOT from one another in the body. To the woman reading this - your voice is not a disruption. You have a divine invitation. Your spiritual gifts are not negotiable; they are necessary. To the church - it's time to repent of fear and control. The freeing hope of Jesus’ invitation, and of Pentecost – the Holy Spirit in and through every believer – is here. We can no longer ignore the issue, thinking we don't need to act if we weren’t personally involved in the abuse/wrong. To do nothing, to turn away… to remain unmoved and unchanged, is to be complicit in the problem. The people that we love (from daughters to sisters to the boys growing up into it as well) will not be spared indoctrination, while these beliefs and treatments remain. Empowerment is biblical mandate, not optional grace. May we stop wiping out half the gospel force with restrictions the Holy Spirit has not laid on His people. May we never have giftings, and callings from the Lord, that are not allowed to be used where we worship. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe  (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drop

Well, last week's blog caused quite the ruckus (and more private than public). Upon receiving both questions and accusations regarding attacking the church, usurping the role of men, and being a contentious person over "trivial matters," I have been spending time in prayer. I felt moved to write a series in the blog in the coming weeks. (Keep in mind, blog ≠ book, but I will do my best with the limitations). Amidst the noise, I also had more people with similar experiences of wounding in the church reach out to me than ever before... many who are now estranged from the church entirely, or from a personal relationship with God Himself. May we recognize that being a lamp on a stand to those who do not believe, and loving those within the body of Christ are not only equally important, but are actually the same thing . "By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” -John 13:35 Let's dive in. What Addressing Spiritual Oppression Is Not Unnecessary, or "trivial" Gossip, slander, bitterness, unforgiveness An issue of "convictions" A cause of disunity As we will see later, these issues are incredibly important to God, and He addresses them quite seriously Himself, from His love for His people . Speaking up about spiritual abuse and harm does not automatically mean a person has a "wrong heart." A person may have forgiven, taken much effort and time to heal, and not give specific names to churches or people. Their posture will give a glimpse into their heart, but there is no way to "know" where a person is before God in the matter. What is more - it still wouldn't disqualify them from sharing abuse. Also, while the Bible does say to "avoid foolish controversies [and] a person who stirs up division" (Titus 3:9-10), someone naming religious trauma and abuse is a far cry from qualifying as such. Regarding scriptures which promote unity over quarrels about convictions (see Romans 14 and others), the issues of spiritual abuse/manipulation are not conviction issues . Instead, there is a moral obligation to uphold truth and the safety of people. Finally, saying a person is divisive, is trying to "make sides," or is causing disunity for speaking about the harm in their story is weaponizing peacemaking, and is in itself, manipulative. Responding in an honest way to that which causes disunity (abuse) is a way forward to change and greater unity. So, What Are We Talking About Here? Spiritual Abuse/Manipulation: a profound violation of trust that uses religious beliefs, scriptures, or spiritual authority to control, manipulate, or harm another person- leveraging their desire to honor God or their very relationship with Him Failing to address sin/wounding/failures by leadership... which creates a tainted "power" group/structure Indoctrinating people (or specific groups- such as women) to be subservient, or relinquish their God-given autonomy, voice, giftings or calling... creating a prime environment for abuse Why Is This a Big Freaking Deal? If we do not hold to some basic fundamentals, both our relationship with God, as well as the foundation of the church, are compromised. 1) We are all (meaning every person without exception or category) created in the image of God, equally loved, and gifted with self-governance, responsibility and choice It is not in God's directive for these to be taken from His people, which is dehumanization . People are able to display the gospel, and lay down their lives for others (and have it actually mean something), because it is rooted in free will... not because it was forced upon them in the name of "doing the 'right' thing." 2) All authority and calls to submission are based, and built, first on humility and mutual submission In Titus 2:15 Paul says to Titus, "Declare these things; exhort and rebuke with all authority. Let no one disregard you." The Bible does speak of authority, including rebuking those in need of correction. It also speaks of submission. In Ephesians 5:22, Paul also begins his words to wives with, "submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord..." What is critical to understand is that Paul's theology was rooted in mutual submission and the character of humility and repentance. Directly before his statement to wives, he tells everyone to " submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21). The Word says believers are to be humble, and to confess and repent of their sin no matter what their status is... In fact, those in leadership are, in some ways, given an ever higher standard. This is critical, because no leader can confront sin, or exercise authority / discipline in the church, if they can not first receive it and be under it themselves. I distinctly remember how it struck me when I heard a man say: "What is the number one hindrance to women being submissive to men in any context? It's men who are boneheads!" As a Christian woman, the scariest thing (in whichever context), is being under the "authority" of a man who is not under "authority" himself.... and that includes (critically), leaders being accountable to members (not just others in authority with them). Taking advantage of the vulnerability of submission is exactly the space where abuse grows. The bottom line is that the holding of shepherds to the same standard is a safeguard for the sheep... for when and where (not if) a pastor is in disobedience or in the wrong. I mean, we do still believe we are all human and it happens with both leaders and congregants, correct? 3) Abuse, manipulation and wounding of this nature in the church grieves and angers the heart of God While there is wrath for sin in a general sense, God often reserves his strongest words for those who take advantage of the vulnerabilities of His people, particularly if they use religion to oppress those trying to come to Him: "It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these [vulnerable] ones to sin." -Luke 17:2 "Therefore thus says the Lord, the God of Israel, concerning the shepherds who care for my people: “You have scattered my flock and have driven them away, and you have not attended to them. Behold, I will attend to you for your evil deeds, declares the Lord. Then I will gather [them]... and I will bring them back to their fold, and they shall be fruitful and multiply. I will set shepherds over them who will care for them, and they shall fear no more, nor be dismayed, neither shall any be missing, declares the Lord. -Jeremiah 23:1-4 "Jesus entered the temple and drove out all who sold and bought in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those who sold pigeons. He said to them, 'It is written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer,’ but you make it a den of robbers. '" -Matthew 21:12-13 Fiercely addressing abuse and oppression (as well as the enablement/ cover up of it) in the church is, in fact, what Jesus did. Christians often use the overturned tables passage to fuel their stone-throwing across the divide at other groups (LGBTQ, pro-choice, etc.), which is wrong in and of itself. But the context of this passage shows that Jesus powerfully spoke and addressed it not outside of, but within the church, in His own faith, where the real upheavals were needed. No one can use spiritual truths or directives in a way that hinders people coming to God, or walking out their faith, without having to contend with God Himself. Stating that addressing these same grievances is "graceless, and is causing divisiveness between his followers" to keep people quiet is a misapplication of the Scriptures and is in itself an example of spiritual abuse. May we never refuse to believe when others finally share harm (it typically takes time, if it is ever openly shared at all). May we never try to silence the cry for safety and greater love of the church. 4) Last (but not least), the church family is not a dysfunctional family Here's a clip from The Hopecast podcast (Ep. 140-141) I did with Rachael Flick, where I address this topic (and what we have been discussing in this post): The point is, we are to tell the truth about family dysfunction, abuse, enablement... and we are to encourage people to heal and step out of these broken systems. The family of God is no different! We don't try to hide the harmful parts to get more people to attend... and get caught in the same brokenness. This is a Big. Freakin'. Deal. to God. And I want to say, with both love and boldness: If you refuse to believe someone who is sharing harm (regardless of how much time has passed, or how close you are to the person who did the wounding) or you refuse to hear from them directly, or your turn a blind eye/ deaf ear - you are part of the problem, and part of the cycle. The High Goal of Unity Scripture admonishes and compels us toward unity as the bride and body of Christ. It is a beautiful, noble and lofty aim. Unity in the church is also the responsibility of every believer; for pastors and leaders as much as the flock. People are never called to be abused or mistreated without protest in the name of peace. It starts with humility and repentance that can lead to reconciliation and continued unity: Unity grows from the soils of safety and true love. Where there is fear and the failure to confront abuse and manipulation, there is disunity, sin, and brokenness. We reject division and uphold oneness in the church by calling for the spiritual oppression of God's people to end. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe  (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drop

"We decide who is up there, and we've already told you that you're no longer leading worship. Are you trying to push just to be up on stage?" my pastor asked, rather flatly. "I don't know what the exact time frame is or what it all looks like," I replied, aware that I was getting flushed in embarrassment at the false accusation, "But I know that God has called me into worship leading. I know the Holy Spirit wants to use me there." "So you're going to use the 'God card'? We have to let you lead worship because 'God says so?'" It was so backwards, convoluted, and just wrong . The assumption of my attempt to manipulate God Himself for my selfish gain seemed to hang there... perhaps my shock would not allow it in. But with a rush, it sank like a knife deep in my heart. I don't remember much else of the brief words that may have been exchanged upon my leave, but I remember feeling the color drain from me and the feeling of humiliation settle into the pit of my soul. I felt so incredibly misjudged, and small... I just wanted to hide. My very own pastor, who preached the Bible and its truths, who emphasized sound doctrine and things like love, whom I had lived life with for years, said this to me. The pastor who showed up the day it was announced to me that my husband was dead by suicide... this shepherd over my soul, shamed me spiritually in a way I had never before experienced. In my deep grief of widowhood, being on a stage for my own interest was the farthest thing from my mind. Worship was how I lived, breathed, and did warfare. And I felt so moved by the Spirit to share it. How was I being treated this way for trying to live out the faith that was preached every Sunday? I couldn't understand what was happening. This conversation was a few months after being widowed. Amongst the many changes I had to navigate, I hadn't anticipated this one. The church was becoming anything but "home" or "family," and in the most broken time of my life, I received some of the hardest blows from the body of Christ. Repeated meetings with church leadership to find answers or resolution did not work. Not even when I tried involving a counselor (who also did not feel her input was heard or respected as a woman) and a few others in the church to try to help me navigate the confusion. These couple of pastors had made up their minds; they were going to do things their way. I remember crying and asking why they did not protect me when my husband became abusive. I asked why they ignored my pleas for help as he declined mentally. Most relevant of all, I asked why my life had been under a microscope after he died by suicide, and why I was being treated like a wolf among the sheep when I, too, was the church? Even when these other supporters attended with me and also asked on my behalf, no legitimate reasons or answers were given, including for why I was removed from worship leading in the first place (though it gave me life in a dark time) or when I may be allowed to return. The reasons that were given were illogical, contradictory or even unbiblical, but as with everything else, they only became more adamant if I tried to ask questions or press further. This knife-in-the-heart conversation with a pastor had been another one of my attempts to find peace, to share my heart with leadership and understand what was happening. However, it was a mistake to keep trying... and I eventually learned it. How Does Someone Get To That Point? For over a decade I thought spiritual abuse was normal, because I never recognized it . This is so, terribly, common. It was much easier to be reminded of my place as a wife and woman in the church and fall in line. I was determined to be a "godly woman." There were things I struggled with, but I always told myself to swallow my pride, lay down my life, and to be "gentle and quiet" as a woman... every time. Even when: The 0% divorce rate was announced proudly from stage... while myself and others in broken (some abusive at the time) marriages sat under its banner The few times I dared to try to address a problem/inconsistency with the leadership, I walked away corrected and being the one wrong/who apologized I was repeatedly told I never had grounds for any boundaries, even when my husband's addiction escalated to illegal behaviors I was told I was reacting "extreme" when I expressed despair at not being able to get out of that which was destroying me I was abused and I reached out to men in "authority" for help; who complied with my husband's desire to know I had, and I was punished (which they were aware of because I shared it) I was told to submit by pastors and called a "feminist" by my late husband more times than I could count while simultaneously never being allowed boundaries or to have limits as a human being During and after my late husband's decline and sickness, however, I became more empowered by the Lord Himself to have a voice and authority for myself- that I previously thought I needed permission from male leaders to have. It became apparent to me that I was viewed as either out of control, or no longer seen as having the character to lead/participate, and I lost belonging where I had once performed as a leader, a wife, and a "good Christian." I finally realized something was deeply wrong; I was not safe, and I would not heal in that church. I would not be allowed the voice they did not believe I had. I would never be able to be the woman of faith the Lord was calling me to be where I had no freedom or empowerment to do so. So I left, and even my competency to make that decision was questioned. Spiritual abuse can begin in a whisper—a subtle suggestion that our worth is somehow tied to our silence, our compliance, our diminishment. Sometimes, it breathes so softly you almost miss its suffocating presence. But often, it will grow into a roar if resisted. I've shared how it happened to me in my story. Now let's look at the objective realities. What is Spiritual Abuse? Spiritual abuse is a profound violation of trust that uses religious beliefs, scriptures, or spiritual authority to control, manipulate, or harm another person. It's a betrayal that cuts deeper than physical wounds because it attacks the very core of one's spiritual identity and sense of self-worth... namely, one's connection and relationship with God. This form of abuse can occur in various settings—marriages, churches, religious communities—when spiritual authority is weaponized instead of used for genuine care and support. It's characterized by: Systematic undermining of personal boundaries Using religious texts or beliefs to justify control Invalidating personal experiences and limits Creating a culture of shame and silence to maintain belonging Red Flags of Spiritual and Emotional Manipulation In Marriage Watch for these warning signs: Your partner uses biblical passages to demand unquestioning obedience Your spiritual (or other) concerns are consistently dismissed or minimized Your personal thoughts or intuition are not valid Your partner uses prayer or spiritual language to avoid accountability Your individual identity is consistently subjugated to a narrow interpretation of "godly" behavior In Church Environment Manipulation can look like: Leadership that discourages questioning or critical thinking Spiritual counsel that consistently blames the victim Isolation from supportive networks, and not referring to counseling outside the church Silencing mechanisms disguised as "maintaining unity" and "honoring God-given authority" Spiritual leaders who refuse open accountability or owning major failures publicly (and rather hide them) Pathways to Healing and Empowerment Healing begins with recognizing your inherent worth, given to you by God who loves you deeply. You are not defined by anyone other than Him, and a believer's relationship with God, hearing from Holy Spirit is the grass roots of the church. Our relationship with Him is where it all begins, so the fear and distrust of it is a red flag. Here are a few things to consider: Church should be a place where you feel safe (body, mind, soul) Seek professional counseling, particularly with someone understanding religious trauma Choose a supportive community that supports and respects your voice Setting clear, healthy boundaries to be safe and sane is Biblical You don't need to defend or justify your motivations to those who misjudge them Remember: Using spirituality as a weapon against you is not a reflection of Christ, or his body. You Are Not Alone To every woman reading this who feels silenced, invalidated, or trapped, I want you to know: Your pain is real, your experience matters, and your voice has been given you by God. The ways He empowers you to walk in faith and share Jesus with the world, no one can take from you. Spiritual abuse thrives in silence, under a mask of "godliness," to maintain the relational/community connection. But you are not expected to be superhuman to be the church. And God is not inviting people to join a dysfunctional family where spiritual abuse is acceptable, and no one can talk about it out loud to others. He longs that all would come to Him, be loved by Him, and know that love for ourselves- that we might love others with the same love. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

From the Same Soil When your loved one dies, a gaping hole remains in the canvas of your life where they used to be. There is no escaping it... because they are not coming back. At the same time, the holidays roll in, mercilessly expecting happiness from you. So do many of the people around you. Still, research has shown the power of gratitude in the brain to rewire paths for thankfulness. We know it's a "good" thing, yet we feel the incongruence (or the inability) to "be joyful" in the valley of the shadow of death... especially when we discover it's a real place in real time we are living in. What if the goal was not to avoid any sadness and "just be thankful"? What if we also didn't have to be swallowed in the pain of our loss? What if gratitude and grief were equally important pieces of the landscape growing in the soil of us ... of our hearts? And both could be watered by our honest tears? What if we could accept the mess of the journey with gentleness, authenticity, and HOPE? The Grief My first Thanksgiving as a widow was full of grief. I do remember the grace of sharing time with people that I loved, however, I also needed to mourn. As a very deep feeler, the weight of my late husband's death by suicide hit me incredibly hard. On Thanksgiving day, I went to the place where he died, though it was cold and lonely, and I grieved him there for a long time. I wept and even howled after the man, the love, the life that I had lost. Knees in the snow, shivering with cold, I spoke with God, raw and honest, about the horror of it all. And though I was devastated, He met me. Before I left, I was able to draw a heart in the snow where I knelt. Today, I will walk through my 6th Thanksgiving without him. What I have learned is that grief cannot be completely controlled. You can stuff it, numb it, and try to avoid it, but the gaping wound remains. When we are able to feel all of the feelings (anger, sadness.... all of it) in safe places (with the Lord and other safe people), we can actually begin to metabolize the pain that our bodies, minds, and souls are carrying. I happen to believe that doing this opens more space to see and receive the blessings we do have around us, with gratitude. It cannot happen, however, by simply attempting to bypass our grief in the name of "choosing joy." I also will emphasize that safety is a critical element in healing. I had a friend who was unable to empathize or grieve with me. While her acts of service were a blessing, she was unable to connect with pain in her own life and therefore, with any of mine. When I cried, she remained blank, and when I named my pain and loss, she encouraged me to "be joyful in all things." In my first Thanksgiving season after his death, this friend gave me a gratitude entry book, made for listing what you were thankful for. It is no wonder that I set it on the shelf and didn't touch it... for years. Her efforts were noble, but without empathetic connection, they were not going to help. The Danger of Limitless Grief A word of caution I have for other deep feelers and authentic grievers of tragedy... Grief still needs limits. The place my husband passed by suicide became a place of despair. A place I slept on rocks in the night, wailed, and struggled with suicide myself. It also became the location of my first attempt. While it is important to walk the twisted path of bereavement honestly, we do need to take steps when hopelessness begins to consume us. Here are a few Thanksgiving survival tips for grievers: You are not obligated to attend activities that aren't helpful, but don't isolate completely if you need connection and comfort Spend the Holiday(s) with those who are safe, empathetic, and whom you truly feel supported by Include life-giving and self-care activities in your schedule (some of mine were salt water floats, making music, time in nature and with friends) Have (or make) a list of the people you can reach out to if it's getting too dark (asking them ahead of time may help you both be more prepared in a time of need) Find a local grief, widow, or suicide support group with others who "get it" The Gratitude Did you know the Lord lead me to begin sending a family Thanksgiving card each year after my husband died? Though it wouldn't have been my idea of good timing, it was a grace. I have, in fact, sent one every year since. Above is the back of our first one. Why is gratitude a critical part of our life and experience, even in grief? Focusing on what we are thankful for has been shown to reduce stress, anxiety, and positively impact our physical and mental health in a variety of other ways... and there's no doubt we need that in our experience of suffering. It is also a way that we heal, find purpose, and keep from becoming myopic in our pain. Hopelessness kills people. It's a terrible truth. Gratitude can be a list of reasons to keep living, healing, or to just moving forward the next step. After my husband died, my children and I began a practice of thankfulness, where on the way to school, the five of us would each take a turn listing three new things we were thankful for. I did my best to keep it fun, and the fact is though some days it felt empty, on others, it could lighten our mood and even bring smiles and laughter. And yes, although the gratitude entry book remained on the shelf, my everyday journaling practice often included it... or at least the ongoing fight for it. My Hope for You This Thanksgiving, may you be able to struggle and celebrate, with honesty. They are both part of the experiential journey. May you release those who do not understand, honor your own limits, and find ways of expressing both your pain and your joy. They are both there. May they be tenderly held. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Navigating life as a new widow is like trying to discover how to rebuild at ground zero. It can seem not only impossible, but when we're honest.... we might not desire a "good" life without them. But it is possible, my friend. It won't be the same good, but it can still be good again. I have been there, and I am here to help. Here are 5 powerful areas I found crucial to press into (the last 3 are my favorite!): 1. Empathy Why is empathy - the ability to feel with others and connect with their emotions - so important to us widows? It's because the ability for others to join and companion us in our pain, in an authentic way, can be one of the most safe , healing , and helpful things anyone could do! The fact is, no one can change what happened. No one can bring our spouse back, make it right, or take the pain away. But whatever people can do that is helpful (and we will go into that), it is most helpful (and likely) to come from a heart that is empathetic with our pain. As we suffer and struggle, we will feel less alone , more able to be honest , and will find more comfort with those who can truly connect with our grief and loss. Empathetic people aren't afraid of the journey of grief. They can hear your pain, without pushing their pace/agenda. They won't deny the needs you are sharing with them, or judge your grieving process. No one is perfect, but these are aspects of empathy. All the other essentials will typically come from those who are able to be empathetic with you , and you will save yourself more grief by finding and focusing on these safe relationships, rather than trying to change those around you to become so. Find the "faithful few," as I like to call them, to journey with you toward healing in widowhood. Often it's other widows, or those who have suffered other ways and been intentional with their own healing journeys. Those who lack empathy can inflict more pain than they realize, and it closes us off to them immediately. We just can't take acid on a fresh, open wound. Make empathy, and relationships that are anchored in it, a top priority. If you haven't already seen it, I love and highly recommend this video on empathy by Brene Brown . 2. Stability I'm going to camp here a minute, because finding safety and support when grieving the loss of our spouse is critical. When your world crumbles, and you are trying to put the pieces back together, you can go into survival mode in a variety of areas: physically, financially, emotionally, relationally, spiritually... It can go on for years, but it is more likely to be mitigated through the ways we can make things stable again. Here are some tips to help: Find Safe People At a very vulnerable time, you need to make sure your help comes from those whom you can trust . Listen to your intuition and what feels safe to you when making decisions in who to delegate tasks to/receive help from, and who enters your inner world. This is also a caution for future romantic relationships ; many widows have been used or scammed by those establishing this type of connection/trust to take advantage of them in the aforementioned areas. I would suggest keeping those who are truly safe and protective of you (in a healthy way ) near. If you trust them and know their heart for you, you can listen to and receive from their words of wisdom, their cautions, and from their perspectives. Ask for Assistance When you have safe people around you, tell them what you need ! You can even ask them to help you find other safe and well-equipped people to delegate specific tasks to. This is such a critical area of overwhelm for widows. After my husband died, I was left with 4 children, trying to figure out both what responsibilities my husband had that I needed to take over and how to do it . His identity was stolen, and our main credit card (with necessary autopayments linked) was shut down to me even though my name was on the account and I was a surviving spouse. It was a nightmare, on top of the grief I was already experiencing. That is why the first resource I created was for those who are newly widowed- to have a checklist to walk them through the necessary steps when their spouse has died. I wish I could get the Newly Widowed Checklist into the hands of every person who steps into widowhood. It was the resource I desperately needed to make things just a little bit easier to navigate and complete . I am giving away for free , so please utilize and share: Newly Widowed Checklist 🌻 Mental Health Support The last part of stability that is critical to mention is our mental health. It's not just the circumstances of our lives that need attention. Our very brains have taken a major hit with trauma and the losses of death. My late husband died by suicide, and I became so low and hopeless myself that I ended up attempting twice, on top of struggling with suicidal ideation for years. While despair can be normal and grief complicated, we don't want it to get so dark that we give up. We didn't die with them, and our lives are not over yet. Self-care is not a luxury in this season. It is a necessity . I am not talking about addictions or other unhealthy or destructive ways of coping. I am talking about caring for ourselves lavishly in this time. I look back on myself as a new widow with such compassion . I vividly remember crying outside a smoothie shop and deciding to leave without getting one, in panic of my financial future... Even though I was down to almost 100 lbs. in my grief (way too thin), dehydrated on a hot summer day, running endless errands trying to deal with his death (like the police station, due to his stolen identity). I felt paralyzed to meet my own needs. Or the time I escaped a near-suicide attempt, barely making the decision to go get a massage (gifted to me) instead... I lay on the table almost weeping aloud as I experienced human touch again. I realized that physical touch was still a need, and it was worth pursing the things I needed to cope rather than un-aliving myself in desperation. It is hard not to let fear and pain be driving decisions right now, but carefully guarding your heart, home, children, and your world in general is so vital in this season. You are worth every resource to stay alive and to heal! 3. Empowerment The empowerment of widows is absolutely vital ! Why? Because if we do not find our voice , power and ability to direct our own lives , we will never be able to rebuild or recreate them . Can you tell I'm super passionate about this one? Unashamedly so. The irony of people expecting/demanding (or even simply hoping) we will move forward, while doing things that hinder us from being able to, shouldn't escape our notice. There is an empowerment gap for women (widows vs widowers), and even more for widows that come from religions/faiths/churches where the roles of leadership and authority are either given strictly, or weighted primarily, to men alone . Here it is, straight: ➡️ How could you expect a widow to have the confidence, voice and ability to lead her own life/home/family, if you have never equipped her, believed in her, and empowered her to do so as a woman? Not to mention if you also do not do so after her husband dies? It is the epitome of being set up to fail. ⬅️ You cannot become self-sufficient, capable and strong on your own if you need to be monitored, questioned, or directed in what to do (needing someone's permission). Nor can you if you feel tied to hand-outs/"support" in a way that obligates and cripples, rather than honors you and your new role. Having lived these unfortunate experiences, I know what it is like to have to navigate the internal and external battles of getting out of the crazy-making; allowing yourself to think your own thoughts , to use your voice , to trust your own relationship with God and your own judgement where others may not support it in your widowhood. But it can be done. Those who are truly safe and who are for you will support and empower you to persevere , heal and grow on this journey. Where they cannot, rest assured that you can still empower yourself. 💗 4. Grace When your world has blown up, when you are in excruciating pain, and when you are walking through a valley you have never been through before, you're going to mess up... a lot . Probably much more than you already did when your life was "normal" and "stable." In fact, if you are anything like me, you will struggle with things you never did before, fail in ways you never thought you would, and be the farthest you have ever been from "having it all together." Welcome to the messy s*%# show of widowhood (just keepin' it real). If you are a widow, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're not, you have no idea the inside experience . Here's the gospel truth, though: where our sins are many, His mercy is more . We cannot out-fail His grace . Praise God! Where we experience the most terrible of human pain and suffering, there is an entirely different level of refinement , and it is a gift . I would never know His lovingkindness the way I do after I became the things I hated and lost pride in my performance. I am not saying that screwing up is good in any way, but all the mess, failure and weakness is where He delights to meet and strengthen us. Where we are weak, He is strong. He does amazing things in the impossible, and that is exactly what we need. So in your widowhood and your grieving... welcome to grace! It is right here in abundance , and this is an opportunity to learn to give it to yourself as you are coping with your losses. It is through grace that we are made new and transformed . 🤲 5. Hope I am a firm believer that we cannot live well, or even live long, without HOPE ... hence the mission of Hope Speaker: "Most people reach a point in their lives where they are overwhelmed with the struggles they are facing. We create resources that support , encourage , and heal , for people to r ecover their lives , have hope for their future and in some cases, simply keep surviving in their pain." Hope is the confident expectation in the waiting, and in the hurting, that the goodness of God will come to us, even here. It is an anchor for our soul because we can trust Him, and that we will see His goodness even here in the land of the living... even without our spouse. That takes time, healing, and one hell of a battle. Post-traumatic growth , emotional resilience , and the increase of our faith do not simply happen on their own. I believe we are transformed as we suffer with hope . We need hope desperately, and to keep believing the truth that it will not always be the way it is right now . We often need reminders and encouragement; it is typically not something you obtain once and never struggle with again. These reminders come through a variety of ways: From our relationship with the Lord- When He speaks truth to our souls and shows us love, it is more powerful than hearing it from any other source . Go to Him, over and over! From other people- Whether they are faithful to walk alongside you offering encouragement, or are someone you know you can go to in a time of need, life-giving relationships are a valuable source of hope. Through reminders we can put up around us- As we go through these painful days, the dark and hopeless thoughts can replay in our minds, and become the lens through which we view our new life. Putting truth and encouragement on display in front of/around you can help combat this. As I battled negative, even suicidal thoughts, I needed to put tangible reminders of hope in front of me around my home, and they helped me get through every one of my darkest days. This was actually the inspiration behind our family's HOPE Shop- to create products that help other people get through theirs. My oldest girl, who also struggled intensely, and I hand-design these unique items with love, some even with original photography (I had to have eyes to capture glory to survive my dark days). They are a literal manifestation of beauty from the ashes of our story. It is our desire for these gifts to be tangible reminders of hope to those who need it! You can check out The HOPE Shop here! Here is a small sampling of our offerings: My heart is that with these 5 Healing Essentials as a guide, you may find a way forward in widowhood that brings you HOPE! Save this post to return to, or share it with those who need it. With you in HOPE, my friend, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

This Stuff would Never Happen to Me Seems like both yesterday and a lifetime ago that I was a "normal" person. A wife, homeschool Mom, part-time Registered Nurse, and an active church participant. I wanted to love God, love my family, and love others. What was also normal (no, what I even deemed "good") was my striving-for-perfect performance, my ability to make others happy with me, and how I could navigate whatever system(s) I was in (school, church, relationships) to be successful and accepted . My loyalties were deep and fierce, and I considered those who walked away from our church or their marriage as troublemakers , unteachable , or disobedient to the "God-given order and authority" as I understood it (I was not as loving as I thought). I mean, how hard is it to walk the straight and narrow? I'd been doing it married over a decade and following the Lord for years prior to that, and was still barely pushing 30. I had it figured out. I was doing it right. I was fitting in... I was wrong. The Undoing Within a matter of years, the neatly wrapped yarn ball of my life was completely unwound into a knotted pile of chaos on the floor... No longer perfect , no longer pleasing , and no longer acceptable . The reality, of course, is that it never had been. My husband and I were fundamentally flawed from the outset; it's just that we had been able to control it (somewhat) and hide it (mostly). An addiction of my husband's resurfaced and escalated after years of sobriety, and something inside of him began to shift as he became an entirely different person about it. Instead of humility and repentance, there were lies , minimizing of the destruction that was resulting, and anger . Lots of anger . Meanwhile, I was starting to awaken to the fact that boundaries not only were a real thing, but were actually a good thing, for both of us. In all the years of battling the addiction in our marriage, including when it nearly ended a couple years in, I was told repeatedly I didn't have grounds for separation/divorce/other limitations, that I was overreacting , and that I needed to submit . As things escalated this time, I felt completely trapped , without say over the sanctity of my marriage, or even over control of my own body. Despite the increasingly alarming behaviors, including abuse of multiple kinds, those exhortations from church leadership didn't change. In despair, I became suicidal , and when those cries were still not heard, with the support of my own counselor and support groups, I began to set and keep my own boundaries- a place I could honor God (and actually live) in . The Result I expected that boundaries would increase safety and stability in my life. In the grand scheme of things, they did, but I could never imagine the opposition that followed, both in my marriage and even from the faith community. Also, those that caught wind or glimpses of major concerns did not reach out or follow up, but turned blind eyes and deaf ears. Life began to spiral out of control . At home, the anger grew. I was repeatedly called a feminist , told that I was in sin , cornered for periods of time and told to admit I was in sin, and promise to obey (I did not). Once, in a rage he drove 115 mph on the interstate until I would play a Bible verse on repeat that he felt was telling me to comply with his view. Despite the fact that his own addiction was raging out of control, I was told that I was "running into the arms of another man" if I asked any for help; I was not allowed to talk with our pastor or marriage counselor (both of whom were male) without my husband's supervision/knowledge. When things were so scary that I did reach out to them privately, they cooperated with his request to be notified, despite their knowledge of the repercussions I would suffer because of it (the anger responses, having my financial allowance taken, and more). I felt so trapped and unsafe; life truly felt "crazy making." Our pastor had decided to agree with his objections to my boundaries, and I was told to submit to my husband, even as he ripped up books on boundaries and my women's betrayal group journal. He was more resistant to getting help than I had ever seen, isolating from people, and had so much anger and blame toward me that it was becoming more frightening. He was also in a tremendous amount of internal pain . Still, there were a limited number of people who knew the details of our lives; he was able to appear his normal self to most of the world. He had never been this person . It was scary and disorienting . A bomb went off, impacting the entire rest of our lives, when my late husband died by suicide in an impulsive move after I talked with him about the necessity of him getting help and responding to my need for boundaries. Afterward in the church, I was removed from leading worship without cause, choices I made were questioned, and my attempts through various meetings to share my hurt and ask questions were not met with repentance or gentleness. I was simply told how it was going to go. After enough meetings saying things like, "Why is my life under a microscope because Andre died by suicide?" and attempting to work through these issues, it was clear there was going to be no change. I realized I was still trying to have a voice where I had none ... including in my own life and the expression of my faith. Leaving that church (and the support we needed in a critical time) was both devastating and necessary. Later, when Hope Speaker was born, I attempted to discuss some of what happened in person with individuals who didn't know the details (before doing so more publicly). I was horrified at the refusals to meet/talk , the corrections , warnings , and excuses for the abuse and harm ... however " spiritualized " they were. It was the same I had experienced before. It is so hard to finally speak the plain truth about what I have been through. Moving into a calling, a business, a ministry that involves sharing the depths of my own darkness and pain to reach others in theirs has been costly. But it has been an opportunity for deeper learning and healing. What It All Means The point of sharing my story is not that I was wronged. The issue is this continues , right now, to many- particularly to women . I have learned of it more and more, especially as I have opened up about my experience. What keeps many from sharing the harm done to them? From expecting a healthy response (which is genuine acknowledgment and repentance ) from others, particularly those who have some power / authority? From drawing boundaries that keep them in a God-honoring, limit-honoring, human place? It is often that they fear they will lose belonging . The saddest part is that they often will. My story is just one picture of how this can happen, even in places we spend decades, with people we believed to be as family to us. Somehow, victims and those wounded become blamed/held responsible , fully or partially, for the harm that has been done to them... This can be done by the ones hurting them, those who are complicit in the cycle, as well as those on the outside speaking into it. The patterns continue, the voiceless and powerless remain there. God is dishonored . The church, and the world, loses out. What needs to change? Here's a few things that are NOT working: Distancing ourselves from the mess of "those people" Choosing to ignore when we hear/see harm Dismissing people's expression of their limits or boundaries Expecting one spouse to "keep the marriage together," especially when they are not the one breaking it Using the Bible to put structures like marriage and church before the well-being of the people in them How the Bible is used to disempower , rather than empower , women By doing these, we will never be able to able to: 1) See that it could happen to us, or see it when it's happening to others 2) Believe others when they share 3) Discern the situation clearly with all people considered equal 4) Support survivors, and help them get out 5) Hold those doing the harm/abuse accountable 6) Make relationships safe places to be known, particularly in the struggles 7) Have marriages, families, and churches that reflect God 8) Help a large population of the body of Christ ( women ) walk in their calling: living in the Holy Spirit and sharing the gospel We lose belonging when systems, order, and authority are valued more highly than the humanity of individuals made in the image of God . Even though the pain may "wake up" some to realize that place is not where they want to belong, the wrongs are still wrong... and they come at a high price. Connection and trust are lost, not only in people, in the church, but in the Lord Himself. This is my honest cry. We can, we must, do better. God gives us what we need to do so. With you,  Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe  (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

"I know I can't be the only one, who's holding on for dear life..." The lyrics of a song I heard recently are hitting hard today, the day after election day. As the results came in (not just of the presidency, but the results of important ballot measures) I can see I am not the only one struggling from the outpour of frustrations, questions, anger and pain on social media, websites, and in text messages to my phone. Though there are celebrations happening, no one is standing today with a total victory cry, if they are being both realistic and honest. There is a sense of overwhelm with the world's problems and where it is all going, and a desire to escape to somewhere, elusively, "better." Not to mention our personal pain. It's hard to carry the weight of the world on a broken body, with struggles in our families, finances, and even in our own minds. My widowed friends are navigating it all alone now, as I did the COVID pandemic right after Andre's death... it's just too much. Those who struggle with depression or suicidal thoughts are treading water, trying to keep breathing, with a heavier load... it's just too hard. We wonder: How to we deal with uncertainty in life? How do we find hope in hard times? How do we stay strong and emotionally resilient? The song I heard ("I Am Not Okay" by Jelly Roll), stopped me in my tracks. It's been a hit song because so many of us can so easily relate to the lyrics: "I'm barely getting by I'm losing track of days And losing sleep at night I am not okay I'm hanging on the rails So if I say I'm fine Just know I learned to hide it well... I woke up today I almost stayed in bed Had the devil on my back And voices in my head Some days, it ain't all bad Some days, it all gets worse Some days, I swear I'm better off Layin' in that dirt..." Where do we go for the hope we desperately need? The resilience to stay, rather than try to escape? And to keep learning, growing and rebuilding when we are weary? Wildfire Regrowth in the Colorado Mountains "It's All Gonna Be Alright..." Here's the thing. We can't manage, uphold, sustain and maintain it all. Not for our children. Not in our marriages. To tell the truth, not even in our own hearts and minds most of the time. That is why it is such a relief that we don't have to . The outcome of our government policies, the direction of our children's lives, and our own stories that are being written, are carried by shoulders much larger than ours. And what a relief it is that the Lord does the heavy lifting, because we cannot carry it on our own. There is no other answer that is more freeing, than to lay down both the load and ourselves, into the merciful and loving hands of the Father. While listening to the song, I could not only relate to the struggle, but could feel the tension of it in my body. With the weight of the reality of life's sufferings, he simply says: "I'm not okay But it's all gonna be alright It's not okay But we're all gonna be alright" When I heard it, it seemed almost absurd, but it also rang undeniably true at a soul level. It is the only answer. Everything here is irreparably broken... AND, it's all going to be made right in the end. In Revelation 21:5 , describing the end times (which involve a lot of terribly hard things, by the way), God boldly proclaims: “Behold, I am making all things new.” Could it be true? That the battle we are fighting for life, goodness and beauty are real, but not ultimately ours to win? Is there is a rest , peace , and hope we can have in the midst of the pain because He will have the final word? The Only Way to Get it If it seems too good to be true that all the suffering and brokenness is "just going to work out in the end," then it is equally challenging to take hold of the solution, though it is free for the taking (the Kingdom way is often reversed/upside down from our earthly view). It is trust . If you cannot bring yourself to accept the offered gift that it is by faith, you cannot have it at all. If you won't lay your burdens, loved ones, and even yourself in His sovereign and good hands, you will continue to carry all of it yourself. In the song, the last verse is this: "I know one day We'll see the other side The pain'll wash away In a holy water tide And we all gonna be alright" There is something coming that is so much bigger than our temporary pains and problems. There is One returning who is so much bigger than the ways we try to save ourselves. HOW do we trust, and lean in? 1) Know Your Rescuer There is no rebuilding without a foundation. You have nothing, and no one, to anchor your trust in apart from the One who is good and in control, has the power to "make all things new," and who is reliably loving toward you. Without this, you are just "holding on for dear life." God is not shapeless, faceless, or nameless. The person of Jesus Christ came so that we could know his love and heart for our best, tangibly . He has also experienced our sufferings and knows our pains. We can trust in His empathy. His ways are good, His judgment is sound, and He is sovereign over all things. We can trust His wisdom and ways. Lastly, He is personal. We experience relationship with Him as we do with others in our lives (if we choose to). We can speak to Him, receive comfort and direction from Him, and let Him change and shape us and our minds and lives. We can trust in our relationship with Him . These things are a foundation for trusting Him and receiving the peace and hope we desperately need. 2) Pray Ask Him for what you need, for His Kingdom to come, and for more of Himself. The Holy Spirit lives in every believer (Ephesians 1:13), and is our direct connection in the Spirit to God. We can ask Him what He thinks, and actually receive a reply! I have a place the Lord has shown me repeatedly in a vision that I meet Him, and He continues to show me things and speak to me. Other times, I envision myself crawling up into His lap as my Father, to speak to Him. When you are feeling anxious, fearful, or overwhelmed, go to Him! You can tell Him everything in the most honest, real and raw way, and He can take it. He can also help turn it around. Bring Him all the pain and all the worry... over and over. 3) Let Him Carry It, and Strengthen You Sometimes what feels impossibly hard is actually letting go, and letting Him take what we've brought to Him. Personally, I find myself often trying to take it right back. He invites us to bring our burdens and promises a light burden - rest - in return. It sounds too good to be true; why don't we experience this more? Maybe it's harder than we think to give up "control" let Him do the heavy lifting. Whatever it is that has you straining under its weight, I want to invite you into His capable and tender care, and leave you with His blessing: “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” -Numbers 6:24-26 With you, my friend, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

If you have been through tragedy, losses or a season of great suffering, you know what it's like to be unable to plug all of the holes that are sinking your ship. When your life is falling apart and the ship goes under, you not only have to survive in a disoriented state, but often navigate the stormy waters feeling alone. I remember clearly the pain, the overwhelm, and the despair, and yet, somehow, the world continued to turn. People resumed their normal routines. It felt as though they were sitting on a dock, enjoying a grand meal and time with their loved ones, while I (and my children) were screaming and drowning in the water nearby. What are we supposed to do when we feel that we can't take any more? Allow me to share three things that have been incredibly helpful: Look honestly at your pain Name and advocate for your needs Focus on safe relationships Look Honestly At Your Pain Can you see it? These pictures were taken less than two months apart. In one, I was a wife, mom, RN and entrepreneur, and in the other I was a widow by suicide and single mom of 4 broken children, losing my job(s), future... everything. I went into survival mode, and to be honest, I'm still not out of it fully in a number of ways (5.5 yrs later). It has completely changed my life and changed me. In my intense grief and hopelessness, I was suicidal myself. In the suicide survivor groups I am a part of, we can share pictures of the person we lost by suicide, and note that, in hindsight, "you can see it in their eyes..." When I look at this picture, I can see it in mine, too. At the time, I believed I had to soldier forward, take the slaps in the face, keep suffering, and keep everyone else alive... actually, even keep others pleased with me. And I nearly died trying. I have so much more compassion for myself now than I ever gave myself then. It's hard to look at the vulnerable wounds, and even harder to let yourself feel them , but the reality is that pain and trauma are not merely ideas to reflect on, or "weaknesses" to hide or compartmentalize. The hard part is seeing it - the pain and need - in our own eyes, and actually engaging the struggle (that it unfortunately is) to get the support and healing it takes to grow through the suffering rather than shatter under it. Only when we can look honestly at our pain and our needs, will we be able to accept and advocate for them. Will you allow yourself to see it, in your mirror? Can you hold your own pain with gentleness? Can you allow yourself to feel it, even to cry? To have compassion for your own wounds? Name And Advocate For Your Needs While pain and trauma are a very real part of our human experience, and can even directly damage the anatomy and physiology of our bodies, they can also be a door to deeper healing and deeper connection... if we actually get what we need . ➡️ Name what you Need It takes vulnerability to do this. We typically don't allow ourselves a gentle enough space to come up with solutions, because we are too stuck in other patterns of thinking, like: Life used to be stable before; where do I even start with this mess? I can't ask for more; I'm already a burden to people. I just have to do it myself. No one can help me with this. No one gets it; I am alone. I am trapped here the way it is. These beliefs keep us circling the drain. They are self-fulfilling prophecies, by which we feed into perpetuating a reality that we actually hate. It is so hard in dark places of loss, but we will be much better at determining what we need not only to sustain, but to rebuild , if we are willing to risk being creative and dreaming a little. Even in the darkness. I suggest sitting down in a peaceful space that feels light, and brainstorming answers to these questions: What is it that you need most right now? What would help ease the pain (that is healthy)? What would help lift the practical burdens a little? What would make your environment more safe, healing, and more bearable? Are there people, activities, and places that are especially life-giving to you? How can you create overlap in these? If you could live anywhere, do anything, or make big change(s) that would bring you joy, what might they be? Are there any adventures you could go on? What people feel safest and most healing to you? How can you build these relationships? What people and situations are hurtful or even destructive? What boundaries need to be drawn? Who can help you in this? ➡️ Advocate For What You Need When you have ideas of what you need and what would help you, you have to believe in them enough to fight for them. That's because (unfortunately, in this world) it often doesn't come without a struggle in making our voices heard, or asking... repeatedly (I like to joke that I learned to be a very persistent widow). When you are already suffering, however, this can be extremely difficult. We are so tender, and we often feel that people should rally around us when we're crumbling. I mean, we're drowning while they are enjoying a fancy meal on the dock, right? The gap is sometimes so wide it's hard to grasp, especially in great pain. This is a dangerous place for us sufferers. While it is true that we are devastated, even falling apart, we cannot have expectations of other people, especially of ultimate rescue. It lands us in an even worse place of disappointment, loss, and lack of health. They need to determine what they can and can't do to help. That being said, it is also not true that others can dismiss what we are saying we need. We have to keep advocating for it, perhaps just from a different source. Once, at a time I was at my lowest in widowhood and had already attempted suicide once, I reached out to a group asking for help and overlap on Sundays. It used to be a family day for us, and after my late husband died, it became a day of absolute hell. I was finding myself on my bathroom floor every week, sobbing in grief, with children fighting non-stop. It was stress, chaos, and pain for all 5 of us. I knew I was waaaaay past my limits, and our family was not in a good place on that day. Someone replied and actually told me that I didn't need the presence or help of other people on Sundays, but what I actually needed was to come up with our own "new traditions" on that day and figure it out... just me and the 4 kids. It was one of the worst things that has ever been said to me. Despite sharing my pain and that I had been suicidal, this person didn't get it. But here's the thing: I'm saying that they don't need to. You know what you need. And that alone is enough for you to seek it out. Advocate for it. Be persistent. Your journey through suffering is not going to be on other people's time frames or follow their agendas. The responses may be ridiculous, people may not agree, and not everything you wish for may be possible. But keep pursuing what you feel you need to move in a healthy direction. There are people out there willing to help, and there are paths forward! Focus On Safe Relationships I hope you can see the lead-in to this point from what has been shared. A large part of how we get through seasons of life that are too much, too hard, for too long is finding true companions to walk through it with. Just as we can be deeply wounded in relationships, we can find tremendous healing through them as well. Although it can be scary to open up to people when we have been hurt, it will be a critical piece to our transformation. Dr. Curt Thompson writes: "We find all kinds of ways to disconnect from our pain rather than allowing others to be with us in our pain ." The "faithful few," as I like to call them, are those people who will companion you in your pain and in the grief of your losses. They come alongside to offer support (where they can) without judgment, without pushing for their own way/time frames, and with whom you can share openly and honestly without being wounded further. They offer empathy and presence. "Where are these people?!" you may ask. They do exist! They are not perfect (no one is), but what they bring consistently is goodness to yo u. It may take time to find them, and they may show up unexpectedly. From my experience, the people you think should/would be there for you when all hell breaks loose may not be the ones who do, or can. In the midst of tragedy, I found the leaders in my church, and even some in my own family, were the ones who were taking my feet out from under me and inflicting the most pain after the bombs went off in my life. I needed to move to a safer church body, and to draw and hold boundaries, though I felt weak and vulnerable as a widow. It was also horrible to realize, through other experiences, that there were people who would take advantage of me, in various ways, in the most broken place of my life. 💔 In addition to possibly needing to distance from some relationships that are bringing harm, remain open to those who are coming into your life who are a blessing. Trust that the people who are supposed to be there with you can come out of the woodwork. You may not have even known them before, and they end up being the ones you need. Oftentimes it is others who either have/are walking a similar suffering to ours, or who simply have navigated deep pain in an honest way themselves. I found that widows, single moms, suicide survivors and strugglers, women who have experienced being voiceless/powerless: they are my people! They get it in a way no one else can. They have been through the same hell. So, keep praying and looking for safe people and communities to heal with. You need them, and they also need you! You are not too broken. It is not over. It is not hopeless. And, it will not always be the way it is right now. You are not alone on this journey. 🫶 Take heart, my friend, and: Look honestly at your pain Name and advocate for your needs Focus on safe relationships You are going to make it! With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!