Grieving Hurt and Harm From Your Marriage in Widowhood

What happens when the person you're grieving is also someone from whom you experienced (perhaps significant) hurt and harm?

Widowhood grief can already feel overwhelming. But when your marriage included wounds that were never fully healed, losing your husband can leave you with other layers of pain and confusion.

Now, every marriage has hardships. It is a covenant between two imperfect people, and challenges and struggles are part of every relationship. While I believe we can bring healing to all that is left behind, average struggles are not what I'm talking about here.

I'm talking about more significant harm—things like consistent manipulation, criticism, accusations, betrayal, addiction, abuse (of any kind and duration), or other single experiences that caused deep wounds in your marriage.

And when your husband dies, those wounds don't automatically disappear... Instead, they can clash with the deep desires to honor him and his memory.

When the Hurt Comes With You Into Widowhood

If you've experienced significant harm in your marriage, you may find yourself grieving not only the loss of your husband, but the relationship you had... Including all of its history.

There are things there that may still need healing.

Maybe your husband was critical or accusatory toward you, and those words have stayed with you in widowhood. When you're already carrying so much and feel inadequate or incapable of doing everything you're suddenly responsible for, those old words can be loud and constant.

You may find yourself asking in grief:

• Did I make him that way/make him act that way?

• Were the things he said or did that pulled me down true?

• Am I worthy of anything besides mistreatment or abandonment?

• Which "version" of him was the real one?

• Did I fail him?

And if you lost your husband by suicide, that can add another layer of guilt, shame, and questioning about what your part was in what happened.

These are things we have to navigate as we move forward in widowhood healing.

Grieving Different Versions of Your Late Husband

One of the confusing things about this dynamic of grief is that you may feel like you are grieving two different people when it comes to your late husband.

He may have had struggles that deeply harmed you, while also having other aspects of him that were joyful, encouraging, and loving toward you.

Depending on the memory or "version" of him you are holding in a given moment, grief can feel very different... or like a roller coaster ride (not a fun one).

One moment, your mind may bring forward the beautiful memories you miss. Another moment, you're remembering the painful things and feel relief (then guilt). The pendulum swing between the two—the pushing and pulling—makes grief more confusing and disorienting.

You love him, and you miss him. And, there were significant things that hurt you.

Both can be part of the story you're carrying into widowhood.

There is Hope for Change, Even Here

Sister, I want you to know this:

We can heal in these things, even now as widows after our husbands have passed.

The broken things that happened in our earthly relationship with them do not have to keep us captive in our widowhood.

You don't have to remain tethered to your husband's memory through pain. You can be connected to his memory and honor him through the connection of love, instead.

You can have a different relationship with him now. Yes, really.

So let's dig into this a bit more. How do we find healing and freedom in this area of widowhood? I have two things to get you started...

Two Healing Steps

1) Address the Old Wounds

Even though your husband is gone, the wounds from your marriage may still need attention.

First of all, carrying them in secret(s) isn't going to help you heal.

There may be things that happened to you or within your relationship, things your husband did or said, or even circumstances surrounding the way he died that you've kept locked away.

This doesn't mean you need to publicly proclaim everything that happened.

Most widows feel the strong desire and/or duty to honor their husband's memory. We want him to be remembered well. Those desires can make it especially difficult to talk about any of the painful parts of your marriage.

But sister, you do need a safe place(s) for those things to be known.

That might look like therapy, counseling, or coaching. It might look like safe, supportive and confidential relationships within a church community or somewhere else.

The point isn't to publicly expose everything (unless you have a calling to a certain ministry related to that harm, which is a separate topic). The point is for you to have a safe place where the things that have been hidden can be brought into the light so that you can begin to be known and work through them.

You may also need a place to sort through the accusations and lies that came from your husband's words, behaviors, and from your own thoughts and discover what is actually true.

Another part of healing these old wounds is likely forgiveness.

Forgiveness isn't necessarily a one-time decision, although for some people, the Lord may work in a redemptive one-time moment. But for many of us, forgiveness can be an ongoing choice as we work through the layers and as old pain comes back to the surface.

Holding on to resentment, bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness doesn't change what happened. It only continues to harm you. And God, who is able to forgive everyone of all their sin, is the one who is able ultimately to help you in walking through forgiveness. The Holy Spirit has got you, sister.

Working through those things and letting go of the hold they have over you can become part of finding freedom and healing.

2) Recognize That Your Relationship Has Changed

The second, powerful thing is realizing that your late husband is not the same person anymore. He is no longer sinful or battling the flesh. He is fully new, and fully himself in the Spirit.

This is such a glorious and freeing reality! He wants the best for you. He wants your healing.

His posture toward you is now of perfect love, and none of the old sins, struggles or judgements. He is part of the cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1) who are cheering you on as you fight the good fight, finish the race, and keep the faith (2 Timothy 4:7).

Since your husband is a new creation and a new person, your relationship with him has changed, too. Therefore the way you relate to him now and the way your relationship is now can be different... redeemed.

You can choose to relate to him and his memory through love rather than remaining connected through pain, shame and suffering.

And when those painful memories come up, you can more easily rebuke the lies of old and hold to the new truth, love and joy that he has full clarity of now.

It can help you move forward rather than remaining emotionally tethered to all of the painful things that happened in the past.

Freedom in Widowhood

Sister, whatever harm you experienced in your earthly marriage, I'm sorry for the losses and the pain.

You don't have to pretend those things didn't happen or keep secrets.

You don't have to pretend the painful parts weren't painful.

And you don't have to remain connected to your husband's memory through those wounds forever.

There is hope that these things can be worked through and healed.

Begin by addressing the wounds you're carrying.

Find a safe place where the things you've kept hidden can be known.

Work through forgiveness.

And recognize that your relationship with your husband has changed.

The past relationship does not have to determine the relationship you have with his memory now. There is so much hope and healing available as you continue moving forward in widowhood.

A Next Step for More Support

If this resonated with and encouraged you, I would love to welcome you into my private, virtual Christian widow community where we are doing this healing heart work. It's a safe place that we share, cry, pray, laugh and heal—together.

You can take your first step and join our membership community, The HOPE Stronghold, HERE.

With you,

Rachel

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