Is Suicide Prevention Fueling Survivor's Guilt? | Hope Speaker
Is Suicide Prevention Fueling Survivor's Guilt?
September is National Suicide Prevention Month, so you have probably been seeing conversations about suicide prevention all over your platforms... And that's a good thing!
But as a suicide widow and an attempt survivor myself, I want to share a different lens on suicide prevention with you. To be honest, it likely won't go along with what you're used to hearing, and might even ruffle some feathers.
But stay with me, because how we frame suicide prevention is incredibly important—especially for those of us who have been affected by suicide loss.
What Do We Mean When We Say "Suicide Prevention"?
The term suicide prevention is about preventing suicides. It's something we all want, especially if you have lost a loved one to suicide or have struggled with suicidal thoughts yourself. In fact, many of us become strong suicide prevention advocates and find purpose there.
When it comes to suicide prevention in our society, what you primarily hear and see that it means is:
1) Raising awareness about the struggle.
2) Focusing on outward signs of someone who may be suicidal.
3) How people outside of the struggle can take action to try to help someone get support and/or crisis intervention. It is how other people respond to prevent suicides.
Now, there are also wonderful trainings for this:
QPR stands for Question, Persuade, Refer. It is a fabulous training.
safeTALK is another option.
There are a variety of suicide prevention trainings, and I not only support them, but I've taken and used several of them myself. I have even prevented suicides and saved lives with these skills.
So What's the Problem?
However, in all my experience (from my own journey of loss and struggle, as well as walking alongside others and many widow sisters) focusing on outside prevention—how other people outside recognize and respond to suicidal ideation—is actually a big problem.
Yes, suicide prevention can be helpful, and much of what is shared around "suicide prevention" is true.
We should be kinder to each other.
We don't know what everybody is going through.
Watching for signs and taking actions to support and help other people is so valuable.
But here is the crux of the issue:
We do not prevent suicides in other people as much as we are able to prevent our own suicide.
We are ultimately the decision makers for ourselves.
Knowing the signs and getting help and using our own responsibility and agency is the answer.
It has to be.
Suicide: Decision-Making & Responsibility
Let's start by acknowledging the messy, broken and hard reality that people who have died by suicide (or who are really struggling) have a "brain that is sick," as many of us have described it to our children and to others.
I am not making the argument that suicide is a choice made from a healthy brain or that it is unrelated to real problems rooted in mental health. There are diagnosable illnesses of the brain, and scans can show this, related to suicidality.
My view is not about judging the suicidal. We don't judge people's pancreas and diabetes for being sick; something is broken. We don't approach brain illness with blame.
So I understand that people get very heated about it and whether someone has "chosen" suicide.
And while holding space for those things being true, I also ask this:
Who is ultimately responsible for their actions?
It is called suicide for a reason. It means, by definition, that it wasn't another person's decision or doing (otherwise it would be homicide).
I will go into this more into how we can prevent our own suicide next week.
For now, just know that putting the primary focus of prevention on people outside of the person struggling can actual feeding the guilt and despair and pain that suicide loss survivors are already struggling with.
The Burden Suicide Loss Survivors Carry
If you've ever lost someone to suicide, you know where the struggle goes. You wrestle with questions like:
When was the last time I interacted with them?
How could that have been different?
If I had done something different, could I have prevented this?
How could we all have prevented this?!
But when our focus is on the actions of those outside the person who died by suicide, the fires of guilt and shame (for yourself) or blame, judgement or even hatred (toward other people) grow.
Because it is someone else's fault or failure (or is potentially).
And as a suicide widow, I tell you that the burden of guilt toward yourself, or the judgement toward others is too heavy and dark.
Suicide-loss survivors are already burdened so heavily, and this loss is not their fault.
All suicides are not preventable.
And here's another important factor: Those who have lost a close person by suicide are at higher risk themselves. Widows or widowers who have lost their spouse to suicide have an even higher risk.
So, postvention—the care of those who have survived a suicide loss—is prevention!
Postvention Is Prevention
How we are approaching this subject and treating those left behind is preventing suicides because those left behind have an elevated risk.
Part of that is reducing guilt, blame, shame, and pain. We as a society need to shift the primary responsibility of suicide prevention from others (outside the person struggling) to each of us, for ourselves.
I believe we're ultimately going to stand before the Lord for our own decisions and our own actions.
Now, very, very important side note here: Suicide is not an unforgivable sin. And those who believe in Christ are not losing their eternal security and going to heaven because of suicide.
This is another message for another day, but suffice it to say it is not biblical, at all!
And, we all will stand responsible for our own actions.
Again, suicide by definition is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. It was someone's decisive action for and toward themselves. On the contrary, it was not a murder or it would be defined that way.
We each need to equip ourselves when it comes to suicide. That is the only place from which we truly have agency, full responsibility, and control.
Of course, the path toward (or away from) suicide is a process... From when somebody starts to struggle all the way down to getting to the point of attempting or completing suicide.
It's messy.
And there should be a lot of compassion and grace.
What I Know as a Suicide Widow & Attempt Survivor
In the aftermath of losing my husband by suicide I attempted twice myself. I want to say clearly: if I had been successful, even though people would have been struggling with the questions and the guilt, it would not have been their decision. It would not have been anyone else's fault.
That's something I wish more people understood when it comes to suicide loss.
The people left behind can carry so many questions, so much guilt, and so much pain.
And we can spend so much energy looking backward at what someone else could have done differently that we lose sight of what is actually ours to own. The only thing we can control is ourselves. That is why I believe this conversation about responsibility matters.
Not to judge people who have struggled. Absolutely not to shame people who have died by suicide. And certainly not to add another burden to a suicide widow who is already carrying enough.
But because I believe we need to look at where we actually have agency and can make the biggest impact when it comes to preventing suicides.
What Do We Do With This?
I want to leave you to think on these ideas:
How do we own responsibility for prioritizing our own mental health (as well as physical and spiritual)?
How do we support and equip ourselves? How do we take full ownership of that, and how does it impact how we advocate for our own needs and support?
What would suicide prevention that is focused on empowering people in preventing their own suicide look like??
How do we approach that process with compassion and grace?
These are the conversations I want to keep having. I believe we need to shift our focus.
Our current suicide prevention lens still holds truths. and actions steps:
We should be kind.
We should watch for signs.
We should still support other people.
We should still learn how to respond.
Those things matter.
But I believe we need to look at educating and empowering the individual to prevent suicides.
This is our truest responsibility. Because, ultimately:
The most effective suicide prevention is each of us preventing our own.
More on this next week. 💜💙
Christian Widow Sisters,
I want you to know there is a place of belonging for you to engage in the hardest topics and grief. A space that honors your love for Jesus and is also safe to be human in the struggles.
We would love to invite you into our intentional virtual Christian widow community. We are on the journey together, and I am pouring into this space for grief that includes HOPE, deeper healing, and redemption in the rebuilding.
With you,
Rachel
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