Jesus Isn’t Judging Your Grief | Why Widowhood Isn't a Spiritual Performance

Can I share something profound I have realized through my own widowhood, as well well as coming alongside many other Christian widows in recent years?

So much of the struggle we go through, internally (our own fears, doubts, questions, lack of self-trust) as well as externally (through the real or perceived actions and words of others) about our widowhood walk comes down to this:

Judgement and shame... and there is profound wounding where it connects to our faith, also.

Have you ever wondered if:

• You're grieving wrong?

• The depth of your grief means you're not trusting God enough or are disappointing Him?

• Your grief can turn into sin or if you are dishonoring God navigating it?

• You should be doing better? Be farther along by now? Be where other widows are?

• Your decisions are the right ones? Do I have enough counsel to direct this decision?

• Your grief is brokenness that disqualifies you from something?

• You will have to do better or heal more for God's nearness or to "be ready" to receive His blessings or next seasons?

I could go on, but if any of these thoughts resonate, I want you to hear this:

Jesus isn't judging your grief, sister.

Recently, I read an article from The Gospel Coalition entitled “When Does Grief Become Sin?” And I found myself deeply troubled—not simply because of the question itself, but because of what can happen when we begin approaching grieving people primarily through the lens of performance—what they might be doing wrong.

Because when you're already hurting, the last thing you need is another burden to carry... especially questions of "what's wrong with me?" as you journey through widowhood.

When Grief Becomes Something We Have to Perform

The article asked whether it is "possible to grieve too much, too loudly, so as to dishonor God?"

I understand the desire and value of self-reflection, honesty and repentance in the Christian walk. And the simple, Biblical answer is we can sin in grief—just like we can at any other time. But that's very different from making grief itself the problem or potentially sinful.

I feel so strongly about addressing the heart of the matter, because unfortunately, this is a much larger issue than one article. It is rampant in the Church worldwide.

Grief isn't the enemy of faith. We need to be careful about placing spiritual burdens on people who are already suffering, because this is not what Christ does. This is not the gospel that saves or sanctifies.

Sometimes, in Christian spaces, we turn grief into a spiritual performance. We start asking things like:

Am I trusting God enough? Am I grieving too long? Shouldn't I be further along by now? Is my sadness a lack of faith? Am I honoring God correctly in my grief?

And suddenly the widow who is already suffering is carrying another devastating burden:

She is evaluating whether she is suffering "legitimately," or "correctly."

When we pivot away from the person of Christ and his heart for us, focusing instead on our own works, our own righteousness, our own performance, we have missed the most important thing of all.

We have missed Him.

Look at Jesus in the Grief Space

Jesus didn't stand outside of human suffering, nor did he lecture people about having the correct emotional response.

He entered it, was compassionately present with those mourning loss, and grieved Himself (John 11:1-44).

"He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief... Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows." -Isaiah 53:3-4

And when we look at Jesus, we see something very different from a demand that grieving people need to "do it right" to love God or be loved by Him.

Jesus is a Savior who understands suffering, is present, merciful, and has given us the Holy Spirit to counsel, guide and comfort us.

We need to be very careful when we approach grieving people with a focus on correction—with judgment.

Can there be sinful responses in grief? Absolutely! In times of survival, pain, and disorientation there can be risk of more extreme sin.

But grief itself is not a spiritual failure. And you don't have to clean up yourself (ever) before you bring it to Jesus.

The Gospel Coalition article pointed out that later in Job's journey, he did "cross a line, and God rebuked him soundly."

And this is what I want to say clearly: God is fully capable of doing the same for us in grief where we wander. And, an article need not be written to ask "When Does Grief Become Sin?" or try to find a sinful failure on the part of the griever. Because ironically, that's what Job's friends did, and God rebuked them soundly, too. Maybe we should let God be the determiner of motivations and the Holy Spirit of convictions.

I believe our time, energy, and hearts should be walking out our faith and showing people in grief the heart of God in how we come alongside them.

Jesus Doesn't Add Burdens to the Broken

In Matthew 23, Jesus was speaking about the religious leaders and authorities of His day. He told the crowds and His disciples to listen to the Scriptures and obey them, but not to follow their example because:

"They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger." -Matthew 23:4

Can we remove the burden of loss from someone's shoulders? No, but we can choose not to lay additional burdens on their shoulders. When someone is already brokenhearted, already suffering, already trying to survive a season they never wanted, are we lifting burdens or adding them?

Are we helping her see Jesus? Or are we making her more afraid that she isn't doing grief correctly?

There is certainly room for growth in grief. There are things God can teach us in our pain. There are ways we can respond that aren't healthy or honoring Him.

But the heart of God is not condemnation, and the Word says it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance" (Romans 2:4).

"...Mercy triumphs over judgment." -James 2:13

God's kindness and mercy is what our widowed hearts need in grief, and He offers it to us freely. 💗

You Are Safe to Bring Your Grief to Jesus

Sister, if you're wondering whether you're grieving right as a Christian widow, I want to offer you a different place to begin.

Look to Jesus. Look at Jesus.

Don't begin by asking, "How am I doing at this grief thing?"

Begin by asking: “What does Jesus do with people who are hurting?”

You don't have to perform for Him, prove that you're strong enough, pretend you're okay, or rush through your pain to prove that you have faith.

And He is not disappointed in you. Be not afraid!

Bring it all to Him:

• The sorrow

• The questions

• The confusion

• The pain

• The places where you don't understand what God is doing

Let Him meet you there.

Because the point of the Gospel is not that you become good enough at your grief! The point is Christ.

Lets Be the Church

This is where I believe the conversation needs to go. Where the Church needs to go. Where Christian grief spaces need to go.

Not toward pretending that anything we do in grief is automatically okay.

Not toward ignoring sin.

Not toward refusing to grow.

But toward the Lord.

Toward bearing one another's burdens instead of adding more weight to someone who is already struggling.

Toward creating spaces where grieving people can be honest without immediately wondering whether their honesty has offended God.

Christian widows don't need another spiritual performance to master. They need Jesus.

And Jesus is not standing over you, judging you or your grief.

He is the One we came to us in our grief. And yes, He will transform you in and through it!

So if you are grieving today, take a breath. You don't have to perform this perfectly.

Bring your real heart to Jesus, because you are safe to grieve with Him.

If this connects and you want more...

You don't have to walk through widowhood alone.

Hope Speaker exists to help Christian widows move through grief and healing with hope so they can rebuild life with renewed identity, faith-rooted support, and practical forward movement.

If you want a gospel and Christ-centered widow community, you have found your sisters!

Join The HOPE Stronghold private virtual Christian widow community

If you need someone to guide you more closely in this season, I would love to connect with you:

Learn more about Christian widow coaching

And if this article blesses you or puts words to something you've been carrying, share it with a Christian widow sister who may need the same reminder today.

With you,

Rachel

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