Secret Struggles in Widowhood—And How to Finally Break Free

🥀 Widowhood Is Savage

Let's just be real about it. In one sense, widowhood has the potential to bring out the very worst in you.

When you have lost your husband, you instantly lose so much more in regards to your needs... leaving a gaping hole in relationship, sex, parenting, finances, future, protection and so much more.

You are left with chaos, pain, and instability in all kinds of ways. When you are already so lonely, and with such low bandwidth and capacity (plus a heavier load to bear alone), you are even more likely to lose willpower battles, feel weak, or give up.

It is an extremely vulnerable time.

As a widow tries to cope, she may find herself struggling in behaviors and survival tactics she never imagined, or doing things - wrong things - she never thought she would do.

Addictions. Unhealthy patterns. Wrong relationship(s). Destructive coping. Sin. Isolation. Secrets. Failure to get out. Shame.

That's a downward spiral.

While we certainly all have challenges in our widowhood, we need to be really honest.

If you know it’s wrong—or if you’ve tried to stop and can’t—you’re not just hurting.

You’re stuck.

And maybe you've been stuck for a long time. But here’s what I need you to know:

Grace, mercy, and change can still meet you here. Yes, in the mess of widowhood.

Because by doing whatever it takes to find freedom on the other side of the struggle, widowhood has the potential to bring out the very best in you, too. 🌹

Stuck in the Shame Spiral

Do you have any secrets or dark struggles in your widowhood?

Secret behaviors? A secret or illicit relationship? Secret coping mechanisms that are destructive to you?

Here’s the truth that's hard to acknowledge:

Anything that’s hidden grows in the dark.

But when you're grieving and struggling to find safe, healthy relationships in your journey—you're already isolated without support.

Because almost nobody outside the trenches truly "gets it" when it comes to widowhood. And because you don't feel like there's anyone—or any place—safe enough to bring it into the light.

"Who could I tell, and talk to?"

"Who will understand and not judge further?"

"Who would know my worst and now add to my pain and shame?"

So you keep it quiet. Keep it secret. Try to pray and read and fight it on your own.

But you haven't gotten free. You're still stuck. And it's taking the life, joy, and peace you desperately need to heal and rebuild in your widowhood.

THIS is your sign, sister. You have found a safe place, and your secret struggle needs to be told and shed.

Bring It to Light, Seek Support & Let God Begin the Work

Perhaps you have a struggle that isn't morally wrong, but is unhealthy, destructive or something painful you can't seem to get out of. It affects your grief journey, darkens your lens on life and breeds hopelessness.

It may be emotional eating, or neglecting your body, causing health decline. Or perhaps sleeping to cope with it all, to the detriment of your home or your kids. Maybe you feel a crisis of faith in your relationship with God that is causing you distress in your grief as it is not addressed.

Or perhaps it is sin. An addiction you use to cope with your daily life (sexual relationship(s), substances, p0rnography, gambling, and more). Perhaps it involves your anger or rage.

As a woman of faith, I know that we are all sinners, and that Christ's mercy is far deeper than our worst failure. We also must own our own life. This quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer is revealing:

"The more isolated a person is, the more destructive will be the power of sin over him, and the more deeply he becomes involved in it, the more disastrous is his isolation. Sin wants to remain unknown. It shuns the light. In the darkness of the unexpressed it poisons the whole being of a person."

This isn't about shame or making everything into sin, but it is about healing and recovery. Whatever battle you are in, you don’t have to fight alone anymore, sister.

In fact, you were never meant to. Healing doesn’t come through hiding—it comes through being known in a sacred, judgment-free space and letting God begin to unravel the chains. And you are worthy of every resource (time, money, effort, etc.) to find freedom and forward movement... instead of the road you've been on.

And listen, sister—your secrets may feel like they define you. But they don’t. They’re just the battlefield. Freedom is still possible.

Five Questions in the Path to Break the Cycle

If something in your spirit is stirring right now, stop scrolling. Let's dig a little deeper. Take out your journal—or open a blank note—and answer these four questions with brutal honesty:

1) Where am I stuck in secrets or unhealthy behaviors in my widowhood?

• This might be physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual. Say it plain. You are shedding light to name it honestly.

• What are you struggling with? What do you need to stop or change?

2) What have I tried to do to end the cycle or get unstuck? And, why do I think it hasn’t worked?

• This is where we stop the surface-level solutions and dig deep. Name your attempts at change, and why you honestly believe they failed.

3) What am I believing this destructive action gives me? What does it give me (temporarily)?

• It has become your solution for a reason. Does it give you:

  Comfort? Escape? Control? Companionship?

• If it's hard to find an answer, you can also ask: What is my resistance to letting it go?

4) What is the cost of this?

• Time for more brutal honesty. Is it truly helping—or costing you even more? What is at stake for you, your children, for others, if you continue?

5) Am I willing to make it known, get help, and pursue freedom in this area?

• Gently, I tell you- if you don't care and don't want to change, it will never happen. Everything really culminates to this:

• Am I willing to do whatever it takes to heal and rebuild in hope and joy?

If the answer is yes, even if you feel feeble or unsure... you’re ready. I hold so much belief for you and with you.

There are different paths you can take, but here is my offering to you:

If you are willing to get real and start, I’ll walk with you the rest of the way to breaking chains and rebuilding a life you want again.

You can learn more about Coaching with me here.

Your secret doesn't define you. But your next step might just set you free.

Even this has the potential to bring out the best in you, sister.

With you,

Rachel

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