Vulnerabilities of Widowhood: Protect Yourself | Hope Speaker

Widowhood Vulnerability

We're getting real and deeply honest this week, sister... because I believe the warnings are valuable, and your heart is worth protecting.

After being widowed, I was taken advantage of by outsiders and also struggled with the weakness of my own flesh more than any other time in my life. I knew I was in survival mode in grief, but these were things no one prepared me for.

As I have connected with hundreds of widows and been alongside so many, I have learned some commonalities in the deeper struggles that widows aren't always aware of before encountering them.

Let's talk about it. Not because I want to make you afraid, but because I want you to be prepared.

We Don't Know What We Don't Know

The problem is, we don't actually know the things we should be watching out for and guarding ourselves from. Like we say and hear so often as widows—there is no manual for this!

Most of it we figure out as we drag ourselves through it alone. But the lessons we learn about our vulnerabilities can come with a price we never needed to pay.

In widowhood grief, we're already navigating with so much:

• Loneliness

• Pain

• Exhaustion

• A heart that is disoriented and desperate for connection

You may not realize how much those things can affect your awareness, your judgment and your boundaries.

And there are some people who will see those vulnerabilities as an opportunity. We also have to discern and wrestle between self control and unhealthy comforts.

That is why this is good news: You can learn some ways to protect yourself from those who have gone before. You don't have to learn every lesson the hard way.

From Christian Widows Already in the Trenches...

You have a much better chance to guard from being taken advantage of, and avoid common pitfalls by learning from the experiences of those who joined the club before you. It's one of the reasons sisterhood matters so much in widowhood.

From my own experience and so many other widow journeys I know, here are two areas you especially want to pay attention to.

1) Guard From Outer Threats

Unfortunately, there are many practical vulnerabilities that come with becoming a widow.

I experienced one of them the day my husband's obituary hit the paper (and I didn't even know it). While I was lost in grief, someone was already going to work stealing my late husband's identity, buying things in his name, and trying to open lines of credit.

I would later spend hours in the police department with mail that had stacked up while I was unaware of what was happening.

There are people who try to take advantage of the fact that you are suddenly vulnerable as a widow, in areas like:

• Identity theft

• Financial decisions

• Business matters

This is one reason I created my Newly Widowed Checklist (linked here for newer widows). There are practical things that can easily get overlooked in the fog of early widowhood, including protecting important information and taking care of details you may never have thought about before.

Here is another key tip: Bring people you trust into understanding and making decisions about things:

• Car or home repairs

• Tax or other financial to-dos

• Selling items

• Anything involving personal information or accounts

• So much more

Ask for or choose people who are knowledgeable in the area of need. I encourage you to listen to your intuition and trust it. It may not be the relative, friend, or first person who offers. It's what feels safe, comfortable, and peaceful to you.

One last, major area open to outer threats... who comes in through romantic connection/relationships.

Sister, listen to me: There are sharks in the water. 🦈

Your widowed, broken heart is indeed bleeding, and there are men who can smell a drop of it from a mile away.

I actually don't care how harsh it sounds. I have experienced and known so many other widows who have been pursued by the wrong kind of man, and were blind to so much.

Some may be scammers who impersonate or have fake accounts and reach widows through social media or other accounts. They build a relationship, create a strong sense of connection, but it never moves forward in a way you are able to truly vet them, their identity, and get to know a real person. Eventually, they ask for money, something else, or find a way to take advantage.

We must be so careful with connections online through dating platforms and social media. Whether you received an unsolicited message or reached out yourself, please know that these predators are very skilled in finding things out about you to use to their benefit as well as building relationships through love bombing or other means.

But not every danger comes from behind a fake profile.

Some sharks are real men. They may enter your life through friendship, dating, your community, or even your church.

Our loneliness can make attention feel like connection on steroids. Kindness and offers can feel like protection. Being noticed can feel like being known.

But those things are not automatically the same, and they may not be safe at all.

Yes, there are healthy men who will respect your boundaries and your healing. In fact, it's a blessing in widowhood to lean into safe men for help and support, engagement with our children, etc.

And there are some men who would recognize your loneliness and your lack of covering protection and use friendship or romance to get close enough to take advantage of you.

Don't be afraid, sister. But do be wise, slow down, pay attention, and keep healthy boundaries. Listen to the Holy Spirit, and please do not numb His voice by ignoring red flags or sin for comfort.

Let trusted people in for accountability and support.

You don't have to hand someone access to your heart, your finances, your home, your body, or your future in a season of survival. Desperation will not bring you God's best.

And He will guide and protect you. From the outside, and also from yourself...

2) Guard Your Inner Vulnerabilities

We're not off the hook, sisters- could you tell? 😉

This one is harder because while we want to protect from outer threats, our inner heart vulnerabilities can be difficult to guard against.

Widowhood loneliness and pain brings a level of endangerment to our fragile hearts unlike anything else.

Again, from knowing so many other widow sisters and walking it myself, heed this honest warning: When you are hurting badly enough, you can become vulnerable to things you would never have entertained before.

Plus,

• The desire to stop hurting can become stronger than your desire to make a wise decision

• The desire to feel comforted or loved can become stronger than your ability to recognize unhealthy love

• The desire to not be alone can make almost any company feel better than loneliness

Throw things like widow's fire and the drive to find relief from pain, and we can be open to temptations of:

• Lust

• Addiction (alcohol, drugs, food, and more)

• Bad decisions with our bodies, finances, children and futures

• Much more

In widowhood we MUST guard our own hearts. Not with shame, but with honesty and accountability.

Sister, you are not a bad woman because you are lonely.

You are not weak because you desperately want someone to hold you.

You are not shamed because you are finding how weak some areas of your will are right now.

You are not failing God because widowhood has exposed places in you that you didn't know were vulnerable.

But you do need to know yourself, and where you are most susceptible.

You also need to be known by those who love you deeply and support you in God's best. Those who love you enough to tell you the truth and will not shame you.

Worthy of Protection

Sister, widowhood has already taken enough from you. It is my desire that no unnecessary wounds are added to your grief. So here is my encouragement to you:

• Learn from women who have gone before you

• Pay attention to what doesn't feel right

• Be involved in a community you can be honest

• Ask questions

• Let trustworthy people speak into your life

And don't be embarrassed to say, “I don't know,” because you are learning an entirely different way of living. There is no shame in needing help or accountability.

In fact, one of the strongest things you can do in widowhood is stop trying to figure everything out alone. Because you may be grieving your husband, but you don't have to navigate every part of widowhood by yourself.

I would love to offer you a place to belong in my private, virtual Christian widow community, The HOPE Stronghold. This is a place to be real, honest, and journey with other widow sisters who love Jesus and want to walk this road by faith. We would be so happy to welcome you.

Join Here

There is so much still ahead of you, sister. Your heart, your life and your future are worth protecting. Thank you for being here.

With you,

Rachel

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