Who Am I Now? Widow Identity and Dating After Loss | Hope Speaker

Welcome to Part 3 of our four week series for Christian widows on dating and remarriage. 💕 Part 1 was based on the question, "Am I ready?" while Part 2 tackled the issue of convictions in finding a partner. Check them out, and welcome back!

Who Am I Now?

One of the painful parts of widowhood is trying to figure out who we are without our late husband. In the realm of dating and remarriage as a widow, the stakes are high... and unfortunately, so are the rates of big mistakes in this area.

I share this with gentleness from my own story—and from the experiences of many other widows I know. In our loss, we are vulnerable to getting involved in relationships that are not healthiest, compromising our values, or making decisions that bring even more heartbreak and grief into an already painful season.

Many widows find themselves struggling with purity and/or in relationships they later realize were a mistake. Some carry deep regret from romantic choices they made while grieving. Others enter remarriage and discover unresolved identity struggles follow them there.

Now, there is grace—abundant grace—for all of it, sister. This week is not about shame.

It is about talking honestly about how we can guard ourselves from some of those cliff edges while we are figuring out who we are and navigating love after loss.

I'm giving you some safeguards from unnecessary mess-ups. Let's dig in.

Widow Problems: We Don't Know Who We Are Anymore

One of the challenges of our widow identity crisis is that we no longer know who we are anymore. As we try to figure that out, it can make us particularly vulnerable in dating.

If we're really honest, many of us are devastated, lonely, and desperate in our widowhood. That is not the place we want to make major relationship decisions from. Yet it is often exactly where we find ourselves, even when we are trying to do things the right way.

We're trying to rebuild. We're trying to discover who we are now.

And while there are ways it is okay to discover parts of that journey with another person, we also need to be grounded in who we are in Christ so that we do not get lost or warped inside a relationship.

Knowing Your Worth and Value

As you think about Christian widow dating or even the possibility of remarriage someday, one question matters deeply:

Do you know your worth and value apart from another relationship?

Are you rooted in the truth that you are not too messy?

Not too broken?

That your children are not a burden?

That the answer to your financial provision isn't in a man to come along?

When we are striving desperately to be wanted, accepted, chosen, or rescued, we end up attracting unhealthy relationships, unintentionally. But when we are rooted in who God says we are, we approach relationships from a much better place.

Being rooted in your identity in Christ is one of the greatest gifts available to you in this season of widowhood.

In many ways you are being given the opportunity to learn this more deeply than ever before.

And I can tell you from experience that understanding this truth will bless your future relationships!

3 Dating Tips for Widows (From This Foundation)

1) Who or What are You Looking For (Really)?

This is to ask yourself honestly.

• Are you looking for a husband?

• Or are you looking for a savior?

Sometimes we can begin hoping that a man will provide what we can be filled and equipped with by God.

Maybe we want someone to:

• Cure the loneliness

• Carry our burdens

• Protect us perfectly

• Provide complete security

• Fix the challenges of single parenting

• Rescue us from the weight we are carrying

But who is your Savior, then?

One passage the Lord gave me before my late husband passed—and then again very clearly after I became a widow—is Psalm 146:3-5:

"Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; on that very day their plans come to nothing. Blessed is [she] whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord [her] God."

A physical man was never meant to carry the weight of being your savior.

Not because marriage isn't good. Not because companionship isn't a gift. But because God wants to fill you with what truly satisfies.

Jeremiah 2:13 says:

"My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and hewn themselves cisterns—broken cisterns that can hold no water."

When our thirsts are quenched by the Lord first, we are able to give and receive human love in a richer, more secure and fulfilling way... rather than finding our mouth full of sand, and our heart with disappointment.

2) Date With Confidence as a Heavenly Bride

This changes a lot about how we approach a possible chapter two on earth. Here are some beautiful truths. You are already:

-Spoken For

"For your Maker is your Husband, the Lord of hosts is his name." -Isaiah 54:5

-Loved

"I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." -Hosea 2:19-20

-Protected

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling." -Psalm 68:5

-Provided For

"My God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:19

And God also calls others to care for widows:

"...look after orphans and widows in their distress..." -James 1:27

When these truths become real to us, we stop looking for another person to become what only God can be. Or even better, what He already is for us.

3) Make Your Standard High (☝🏻Him)

Knowing who you are in Christ profoundly affects your standards. When you know how God loves and treats you, you are less likely to lower your standards out of loneliness or desperation.

You are also given a model for how to love another person, and have a foundation to stand on in rebuilding another romantic relationship.

Jesus told the Samaritan woman at the well:

"Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." -John 4:13-14

You want this rather than going to a man to drink from a broken, empty cistern filled with dust. When you are drinking from the living water Christ provides, that life can overflow to your partner.

Two people coming together solely from a place of need often end up draining each other. Think of two vacuums in the same space; they end us sucking the life out of the relationship.

God wants something so much better for you, and your future together...

Don't Find Your Identity, Live From It

Sister, God wants the best for you:

• He wants you to be secure and filled in Him.

• He wants you to know your worth and value.

• He wants you to build relationships from a place of identity rather than desperation.

And if marriage is part of your future story, He desires two people who are grounded in Him to come together in a way that reflects His love.

Marriage was always meant to point beyond itself.

" 'For this reason a man will l... be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church." -Ephesians 5:31-32

Knowing who you are in Christ will help you avoid some of the cliff edges that many widows encounter and give you a stronger foundation for whatever comes next.

"Who am I now?" is a question many widows wrestle with.

And it's a question worth answering before you build a new relationship around it. As you navigate dating, remarriage, and love after loss, don't rush past this identity work.

A Next Step Forward

Need other Christian widows who get it and are walking this road, too?

Connect into a community of widows who love Jesus and a space with guided, Spirit-led support in The HOPE Stronghold virtual Christian widow community.

Join us HERE.

With you,

Rachel

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