Search Results

This Stuff would Never Happen to Me Seems like both yesterday and a lifetime ago that I was a "normal" person. A wife, homeschool Mom, part-time Registered Nurse, and an active church participant. I wanted to love God, love my family, and love others. What was also normal (no, what I even deemed "good") was my striving-for-perfect performance, my ability to make others happy with me, and how I could navigate whatever system(s) I was in (school, church, relationships) to be successful and accepted . My loyalties were deep and fierce, and I considered those who walked away from our church or their marriage as troublemakers , unteachable , or disobedient to the "God-given order and authority" as I understood it (I was not as loving as I thought). I mean, how hard is it to walk the straight and narrow? I'd been doing it married over a decade and following the Lord for years prior to that, and was still barely pushing 30. I had it figured out. I was doing it right. I was fitting in... I was wrong. The Undoing Within a matter of years, the neatly wrapped yarn ball of my life was completely unwound into a knotted pile of chaos on the floor... No longer perfect , no longer pleasing , and no longer acceptable . The reality, of course, is that it never had been. My husband and I were fundamentally flawed from the outset; it's just that we had been able to control it (somewhat) and hide it (mostly). An addiction of my husband's resurfaced and escalated after years of sobriety, and something inside of him began to shift as he became an entirely different person about it. Instead of humility and repentance, there were lies , minimizing of the destruction that was resulting, and anger . Lots of anger . Meanwhile, I was starting to awaken to the fact that boundaries not only were a real thing, but were actually a good thing, for both of us. In all the years of battling the addiction in our marriage, including when it nearly ended a couple years in, I was told repeatedly I didn't have grounds for separation/divorce/other limitations, that I was overreacting , and that I needed to submit . As things escalated this time, I felt completely trapped , without say over the sanctity of my marriage, or even over control of my own body. Despite the increasingly alarming behaviors, including abuse of multiple kinds, those exhortations from church leadership didn't change. In despair, I became suicidal , and when those cries were still not heard, with the support of my own counselor and support groups, I began to set and keep my own boundaries- a place I could honor God (and actually live) in . The Result I expected that boundaries would increase safety and stability in my life. In the grand scheme of things, they did, but I could never imagine the opposition that followed, both in my marriage and even from the faith community. Also, those that caught wind or glimpses of major concerns did not reach out or follow up, but turned blind eyes and deaf ears. Life began to spiral out of control . At home, the anger grew. I was repeatedly called a feminist , told that I was in sin , cornered for periods of time and told to admit I was in sin, and promise to obey (I did not). Once, in a rage he drove 115 mph on the interstate until I would play a Bible verse on repeat that he felt was telling me to comply with his view. Despite the fact that his own addiction was raging out of control, I was told that I was "running into the arms of another man" if I asked any for help; I was not allowed to talk with our pastor or marriage counselor (both of whom were male) without my husband's supervision/knowledge. When things were so scary that I did reach out to them privately, they cooperated with his request to be notified, despite their knowledge of the repercussions I would suffer because of it (the anger responses, having my financial allowance taken, and more). I felt so trapped and unsafe; life truly felt "crazy making." Our pastor had decided to agree with his objections to my boundaries, and I was told to submit to my husband, even as he ripped up books on boundaries and my women's betrayal group journal. He was more resistant to getting help than I had ever seen, isolating from people, and had so much anger and blame toward me that it was becoming more frightening. He was also in a tremendous amount of internal pain . Still, there were a limited number of people who knew the details of our lives; he was able to appear his normal self to most of the world. He had never been this person . It was scary and disorienting . A bomb went off, impacting the entire rest of our lives, when my late husband died by suicide in an impulsive move after I talked with him about the necessity of him getting help and responding to my need for boundaries. Afterward in the church, I was removed from leading worship without cause, choices I made were questioned, and my attempts through various meetings to share my hurt and ask questions were not met with repentance or gentleness. I was simply told how it was going to go. After enough meetings saying things like, "Why is my life under a microscope because Andre died by suicide?" and attempting to work through these issues, it was clear there was going to be no change. I realized I was still trying to have a voice where I had none ... including in my own life and the expression of my faith. Leaving that church (and the support we needed in a critical time) was both devastating and necessary. Later, when Hope Speaker was born, I attempted to discuss some of what happened in person with individuals who didn't know the details (before doing so more publicly). I was horrified at the refusals to meet/talk , the corrections , warnings , and excuses for the abuse and harm ... however " spiritualized " they were. It was the same I had experienced before. It is so hard to finally speak the plain truth about what I have been through. Moving into a calling, a business, a ministry that involves sharing the depths of my own darkness and pain to reach others in theirs has been costly. But it has been an opportunity for deeper learning and healing. What It All Means The point of sharing my story is not that I was wronged. The issue is this continues , right now, to many- particularly to women . I have learned of it more and more, especially as I have opened up about my experience. What keeps many from sharing the harm done to them? From expecting a healthy response (which is genuine acknowledgment and repentance ) from others, particularly those who have some power / authority? From drawing boundaries that keep them in a God-honoring, limit-honoring, human place? It is often that they fear they will lose belonging . The saddest part is that they often will. My story is just one picture of how this can happen, even in places we spend decades, with people we believed to be as family to us. Somehow, victims and those wounded become blamed/held responsible , fully or partially, for the harm that has been done to them... This can be done by the ones hurting them, those who are complicit in the cycle, as well as those on the outside speaking into it. The patterns continue, the voiceless and powerless remain there. God is dishonored . The church, and the world, loses out. What needs to change? Here's a few things that are NOT working: Distancing ourselves from the mess of "those people" Choosing to ignore when we hear/see harm Dismissing people's expression of their limits or boundaries Expecting one spouse to "keep the marriage together," especially when they are not the one breaking it Using the Bible to put structures like marriage and church before the well-being of the people in them How the Bible is used to disempower , rather than empower , women By doing these, we will never be able to able to: 1) See that it could happen to us, or see it when it's happening to others 2) Believe others when they share 3) Discern the situation clearly with all people considered equal 4) Support survivors, and help them get out 5) Hold those doing the harm/abuse accountable 6) Make relationships safe places to be known, particularly in the struggles 7) Have marriages, families, and churches that reflect God 8) Help a large population of the body of Christ ( women ) walk in their calling: living in the Holy Spirit and sharing the gospel We lose belonging when systems, order, and authority are valued more highly than the humanity of individuals made in the image of God . Even though the pain may "wake up" some to realize that place is not where they want to belong, the wrongs are still wrong... and they come at a high price. Connection and trust are lost, not only in people, in the church, but in the Lord Himself. This is my honest cry. We can, we must, do better. God gives us what we need to do so. With you,  Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe  (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

"I know I can't be the only one, who's holding on for dear life..." The lyrics of a song I heard recently are hitting hard today, the day after election day. As the results came in (not just of the presidency, but the results of important ballot measures) I can see I am not the only one struggling from the outpour of frustrations, questions, anger and pain on social media, websites, and in text messages to my phone. Though there are celebrations happening, no one is standing today with a total victory cry, if they are being both realistic and honest. There is a sense of overwhelm with the world's problems and where it is all going, and a desire to escape to somewhere, elusively, "better." Not to mention our personal pain. It's hard to carry the weight of the world on a broken body, with struggles in our families, finances, and even in our own minds. My widowed friends are navigating it all alone now, as I did the COVID pandemic right after Andre's death... it's just too much. Those who struggle with depression or suicidal thoughts are treading water, trying to keep breathing, with a heavier load... it's just too hard. We wonder: How to we deal with uncertainty in life? How do we find hope in hard times? How do we stay strong and emotionally resilient? The song I heard ("I Am Not Okay" by Jelly Roll), stopped me in my tracks. It's been a hit song because so many of us can so easily relate to the lyrics: "I'm barely getting by I'm losing track of days And losing sleep at night I am not okay I'm hanging on the rails So if I say I'm fine Just know I learned to hide it well... I woke up today I almost stayed in bed Had the devil on my back And voices in my head Some days, it ain't all bad Some days, it all gets worse Some days, I swear I'm better off Layin' in that dirt..." Where do we go for the hope we desperately need? The resilience to stay, rather than try to escape? And to keep learning, growing and rebuilding when we are weary? Wildfire Regrowth in the Colorado Mountains "It's All Gonna Be Alright..." Here's the thing. We can't manage, uphold, sustain and maintain it all. Not for our children. Not in our marriages. To tell the truth, not even in our own hearts and minds most of the time. That is why it is such a relief that we don't have to . The outcome of our government policies, the direction of our children's lives, and our own stories that are being written, are carried by shoulders much larger than ours. And what a relief it is that the Lord does the heavy lifting, because we cannot carry it on our own. There is no other answer that is more freeing, than to lay down both the load and ourselves, into the merciful and loving hands of the Father. While listening to the song, I could not only relate to the struggle, but could feel the tension of it in my body. With the weight of the reality of life's sufferings, he simply says: "I'm not okay But it's all gonna be alright It's not okay But we're all gonna be alright" When I heard it, it seemed almost absurd, but it also rang undeniably true at a soul level. It is the only answer. Everything here is irreparably broken... AND, it's all going to be made right in the end. In Revelation 21:5 , describing the end times (which involve a lot of terribly hard things, by the way), God boldly proclaims: “Behold, I am making all things new.” Could it be true? That the battle we are fighting for life, goodness and beauty are real, but not ultimately ours to win? Is there is a rest , peace , and hope we can have in the midst of the pain because He will have the final word? The Only Way to Get it If it seems too good to be true that all the suffering and brokenness is "just going to work out in the end," then it is equally challenging to take hold of the solution, though it is free for the taking (the Kingdom way is often reversed/upside down from our earthly view). It is trust . If you cannot bring yourself to accept the offered gift that it is by faith, you cannot have it at all. If you won't lay your burdens, loved ones, and even yourself in His sovereign and good hands, you will continue to carry all of it yourself. In the song, the last verse is this: "I know one day We'll see the other side The pain'll wash away In a holy water tide And we all gonna be alright" There is something coming that is so much bigger than our temporary pains and problems. There is One returning who is so much bigger than the ways we try to save ourselves. HOW do we trust, and lean in? 1) Know Your Rescuer There is no rebuilding without a foundation. You have nothing, and no one, to anchor your trust in apart from the One who is good and in control, has the power to "make all things new," and who is reliably loving toward you. Without this, you are just "holding on for dear life." God is not shapeless, faceless, or nameless. The person of Jesus Christ came so that we could know his love and heart for our best, tangibly . He has also experienced our sufferings and knows our pains. We can trust in His empathy. His ways are good, His judgment is sound, and He is sovereign over all things. We can trust His wisdom and ways. Lastly, He is personal. We experience relationship with Him as we do with others in our lives (if we choose to). We can speak to Him, receive comfort and direction from Him, and let Him change and shape us and our minds and lives. We can trust in our relationship with Him . These things are a foundation for trusting Him and receiving the peace and hope we desperately need. 2) Pray Ask Him for what you need, for His Kingdom to come, and for more of Himself. The Holy Spirit lives in every believer (Ephesians 1:13), and is our direct connection in the Spirit to God. We can ask Him what He thinks, and actually receive a reply! I have a place the Lord has shown me repeatedly in a vision that I meet Him, and He continues to show me things and speak to me. Other times, I envision myself crawling up into His lap as my Father, to speak to Him. When you are feeling anxious, fearful, or overwhelmed, go to Him! You can tell Him everything in the most honest, real and raw way, and He can take it. He can also help turn it around. Bring Him all the pain and all the worry... over and over. 3) Let Him Carry It, and Strengthen You Sometimes what feels impossibly hard is actually letting go, and letting Him take what we've brought to Him. Personally, I find myself often trying to take it right back. He invites us to bring our burdens and promises a light burden - rest - in return. It sounds too good to be true; why don't we experience this more? Maybe it's harder than we think to give up "control" let Him do the heavy lifting. Whatever it is that has you straining under its weight, I want to invite you into His capable and tender care, and leave you with His blessing: “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” -Numbers 6:24-26 With you, my friend, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

If you have been through tragedy, losses or a season of great suffering, you know what it's like to be unable to plug all of the holes that are sinking your ship. When your life is falling apart and the ship goes under, you not only have to survive in a disoriented state, but often navigate the stormy waters feeling alone. I remember clearly the pain, the overwhelm, and the despair, and yet, somehow, the world continued to turn. People resumed their normal routines. It felt as though they were sitting on a dock, enjoying a grand meal and time with their loved ones, while I (and my children) were screaming and drowning in the water nearby. What are we supposed to do when we feel that we can't take any more? Allow me to share three things that have been incredibly helpful: Look honestly at your pain Name and advocate for your needs Focus on safe relationships Look Honestly At Your Pain Can you see it? These pictures were taken less than two months apart. In one, I was a wife, mom, RN and entrepreneur, and in the other I was a widow by suicide and single mom of 4 broken children, losing my job(s), future... everything. I went into survival mode, and to be honest, I'm still not out of it fully in a number of ways (5.5 yrs later). It has completely changed my life and changed me. In my intense grief and hopelessness, I was suicidal myself. In the suicide survivor groups I am a part of, we can share pictures of the person we lost by suicide, and note that, in hindsight, "you can see it in their eyes..." When I look at this picture, I can see it in mine, too. At the time, I believed I had to soldier forward, take the slaps in the face, keep suffering, and keep everyone else alive... actually, even keep others pleased with me. And I nearly died trying. I have so much more compassion for myself now than I ever gave myself then. It's hard to look at the vulnerable wounds, and even harder to let yourself feel them , but the reality is that pain and trauma are not merely ideas to reflect on, or "weaknesses" to hide or compartmentalize. The hard part is seeing it - the pain and need - in our own eyes, and actually engaging the struggle (that it unfortunately is) to get the support and healing it takes to grow through the suffering rather than shatter under it. Only when we can look honestly at our pain and our needs, will we be able to accept and advocate for them. Will you allow yourself to see it, in your mirror? Can you hold your own pain with gentleness? Can you allow yourself to feel it, even to cry? To have compassion for your own wounds? Name And Advocate For Your Needs While pain and trauma are a very real part of our human experience, and can even directly damage the anatomy and physiology of our bodies, they can also be a door to deeper healing and deeper connection... if we actually get what we need . ➡️ Name what you Need It takes vulnerability to do this. We typically don't allow ourselves a gentle enough space to come up with solutions, because we are too stuck in other patterns of thinking, like: Life used to be stable before; where do I even start with this mess? I can't ask for more; I'm already a burden to people. I just have to do it myself. No one can help me with this. No one gets it; I am alone. I am trapped here the way it is. These beliefs keep us circling the drain. They are self-fulfilling prophecies, by which we feed into perpetuating a reality that we actually hate. It is so hard in dark places of loss, but we will be much better at determining what we need not only to sustain, but to rebuild , if we are willing to risk being creative and dreaming a little. Even in the darkness. I suggest sitting down in a peaceful space that feels light, and brainstorming answers to these questions: What is it that you need most right now? What would help ease the pain (that is healthy)? What would help lift the practical burdens a little? What would make your environment more safe, healing, and more bearable? Are there people, activities, and places that are especially life-giving to you? How can you create overlap in these? If you could live anywhere, do anything, or make big change(s) that would bring you joy, what might they be? Are there any adventures you could go on? What people feel safest and most healing to you? How can you build these relationships? What people and situations are hurtful or even destructive? What boundaries need to be drawn? Who can help you in this? ➡️ Advocate For What You Need When you have ideas of what you need and what would help you, you have to believe in them enough to fight for them. That's because (unfortunately, in this world) it often doesn't come without a struggle in making our voices heard, or asking... repeatedly (I like to joke that I learned to be a very persistent widow). When you are already suffering, however, this can be extremely difficult. We are so tender, and we often feel that people should rally around us when we're crumbling. I mean, we're drowning while they are enjoying a fancy meal on the dock, right? The gap is sometimes so wide it's hard to grasp, especially in great pain. This is a dangerous place for us sufferers. While it is true that we are devastated, even falling apart, we cannot have expectations of other people, especially of ultimate rescue. It lands us in an even worse place of disappointment, loss, and lack of health. They need to determine what they can and can't do to help. That being said, it is also not true that others can dismiss what we are saying we need. We have to keep advocating for it, perhaps just from a different source. Once, at a time I was at my lowest in widowhood and had already attempted suicide once, I reached out to a group asking for help and overlap on Sundays. It used to be a family day for us, and after my late husband died, it became a day of absolute hell. I was finding myself on my bathroom floor every week, sobbing in grief, with children fighting non-stop. It was stress, chaos, and pain for all 5 of us. I knew I was waaaaay past my limits, and our family was not in a good place on that day. Someone replied and actually told me that I didn't need the presence or help of other people on Sundays, but what I actually needed was to come up with our own "new traditions" on that day and figure it out... just me and the 4 kids. It was one of the worst things that has ever been said to me. Despite sharing my pain and that I had been suicidal, this person didn't get it. But here's the thing: I'm saying that they don't need to. You know what you need. And that alone is enough for you to seek it out. Advocate for it. Be persistent. Your journey through suffering is not going to be on other people's time frames or follow their agendas. The responses may be ridiculous, people may not agree, and not everything you wish for may be possible. But keep pursuing what you feel you need to move in a healthy direction. There are people out there willing to help, and there are paths forward! Focus On Safe Relationships I hope you can see the lead-in to this point from what has been shared. A large part of how we get through seasons of life that are too much, too hard, for too long is finding true companions to walk through it with. Just as we can be deeply wounded in relationships, we can find tremendous healing through them as well. Although it can be scary to open up to people when we have been hurt, it will be a critical piece to our transformation. Dr. Curt Thompson writes: "We find all kinds of ways to disconnect from our pain rather than allowing others to be with us in our pain ." The "faithful few," as I like to call them, are those people who will companion you in your pain and in the grief of your losses. They come alongside to offer support (where they can) without judgment, without pushing for their own way/time frames, and with whom you can share openly and honestly without being wounded further. They offer empathy and presence. "Where are these people?!" you may ask. They do exist! They are not perfect (no one is), but what they bring consistently is goodness to yo u. It may take time to find them, and they may show up unexpectedly. From my experience, the people you think should/would be there for you when all hell breaks loose may not be the ones who do, or can. In the midst of tragedy, I found the leaders in my church, and even some in my own family, were the ones who were taking my feet out from under me and inflicting the most pain after the bombs went off in my life. I needed to move to a safer church body, and to draw and hold boundaries, though I felt weak and vulnerable as a widow. It was also horrible to realize, through other experiences, that there were people who would take advantage of me, in various ways, in the most broken place of my life. 💔 In addition to possibly needing to distance from some relationships that are bringing harm, remain open to those who are coming into your life who are a blessing. Trust that the people who are supposed to be there with you can come out of the woodwork. You may not have even known them before, and they end up being the ones you need. Oftentimes it is others who either have/are walking a similar suffering to ours, or who simply have navigated deep pain in an honest way themselves. I found that widows, single moms, suicide survivors and strugglers, women who have experienced being voiceless/powerless: they are my people! They get it in a way no one else can. They have been through the same hell. So, keep praying and looking for safe people and communities to heal with. You need them, and they also need you! You are not too broken. It is not over. It is not hopeless. And, it will not always be the way it is right now. You are not alone on this journey. 🫶 Take heart, my friend, and: Look honestly at your pain Name and advocate for your needs Focus on safe relationships You are going to make it! With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!