How to Heal Deeper as a Widow (Part 2/3): Tending the Real Wounds

How do you navigate the grief, healing and rebuilding journey as a widow?

We are in a 3 Part series looking at these steps in a healthy process (and common pitfalls). Breaking down our journey into "steps" gives us a framework to talk about navigating widowhood loss and pain that still has forward movement and doesn't circle the drain of darkness.

Last week, we talked about Part 1, where the journey after loss begins: healthy grief that is based in true acceptance and includes HOPE (1 Thess. 4:13). Check it out here if you have not already, because we're building on it today.💗

This week, we move forward to step 2 - deeper healing!

Because our widowhood wounds, and broken heart, need the right care and treatment to mend.❤️‍🩹

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As I navigated my early widowhood grief, I grew in identifying and ending unhealthy strategies, such as bypassing, numbing, and coping in survival mode (again, see Part 1).

Despite my growth, I also discovered I continued to struggle in pain, with a bleak outlook on my life- that burdened my mind, body and spirit. I still didn't know how to heal deeply from these things.

I was told (have you heard these, too?) that "time heals all wounds," or that I just needed to "keep being strong." I was functioning in "maintenance mode" as I call it— taking care of children and trying to do what I needed to everyday as a widow. But I wasn't deeply healing or transforming.

I didn't realize that functioning + the passing of time did NOT = deep healing!

Deep healing is much more personal and intentional than that. Your deep heart wounds are worth the investment of resources (time, money, effort, etc.) needed for recovery after the devastating, life-changing loss of being widowed.

Time passed and though I did try many things, I still felt devastated and without peace- until I found the right support to "treat" my specific wounds. The right support for you is key to your process, and the Lord will be faithful to lead, provide for, and walk with you on the journey!

For some widows, it's hard to imagine how we could "come back" from our shattered life, or live without ongoing pain. Or perhaps things like "post traumatic growth," or living in a beautiful future can feel out of reach.

Yet I have not only experienced this transformation personally, but work with many widows who do, too! I know that it's an available possibility for every widow (you can disagree with me, but it won't stop me from believing it for you, because I know it's true). I went from a hopeless widow who attempted suicide myself- to deeper healing and joy than I could have imagined were possible.

Sister, the Lord has not allowed you to be broken beyond what He can heal. There is a way forward.

If you have felt like you're still broken and in need of deeper healing (or don't know how), I want to give you some tangible hand holds to grab onto today. Let's go! 💗

Healing Comes When We Tend the Real Wounds-

3 Steps Toward Deep Healing

In case you haven't already experienced it, trying to ignore our deep grief wounds doesn't work. In fact, carrying all that we often have to solo while bearing grief, perhaps trauma, and spiritual heartbreak can actually deepen that pain.

I want you to think of your pain like the dashboard light on your car.🚨 The light itself (while irritating) is not the problem or an enemy; it's an indicator of an underlying problem.

Your pain reveals that you need time, effort and attention for your wounds to heal, and for you to recover. We need to pay attention to it.

Deep healing means intentionally investing in:

1) Identifying your real wounds

2) Committing to finding & getting the right treatment for you

3) Engaging relationship (with God and others) in the process

This is so valuable, so let's look at them!

1) Identifying Your Real Wounds💔

Addressing your wounds involves examining your pain points and your needs in a very honest way. Seems simple, right? Unfortunately... not.

➡️Recognizing them can be hindered by:

• Your fear/resistance to looking deep into your broken places and feeling them (it might seem too deep/overwhelming).

• Your concern for the thoughts, opinions or judgements of other people if you're honest about your brokenness and how you need more support.

• Lack of knowing what you need in order to make progress- you may just feel clueless on what you need to do.

➡️In identifying your specific wounds/needs, you may need to consider:

• Are there wounds from the past you have never sought healing for, that may be contributing to your present views and pain?

• What ways have you been harmed? Specific forms of abuse, loss, trauma, etc. may require their own methods of healing (example: EMDR is generally considered a gold standard treatment for PTSD).

• How can you approach healing holistically (which is necessary for deeper healing)? Your physical body, your mind, and your spirit are all connected and impacting one another.

You will likely need outside assistance in discovering where you need help.

God is the Knower and Healer of all, and can guide His sheep by His voice (John 10:27). Keep seeking and asking Him in prayer, and know that the language of the Holy Spirit's leading is peace.

You may also need the help of professionals/specialists to assist you. Doctors, therapists/counselors, grief coaches and others are equipped to serve you in your healing, in various ways! (More on bringing others into your healing in step 3)

Identifying your wounds in a real and honest way also means taking ownership of how you may be participating in the current painful experience you find your life to be (which is good news, because you can change it! More on this next week❤️‍🔥).

2) Committing to Finding & Getting the Right Treatment For You❤️‍🩹

When you discover, through healthy and honest evaluation, what you really need, you must be willing to make it a priority. Because just knowing more "shoulds" don't do you any good. You have to connect with why this matters and is worth pursuing.

If you know actions to take for your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual healing, I encourage you to value your life, your healing and your future enough to follow through on them. It bears repeating:

Deep healing is much more personal and intentional than [the passing of time alone]. Your deep heart wounds are worth the investment of resources (time, money, effort, etc.) needed for recovery after the devastating, life-changing loss of being widowed.

Your deep healing can change everything about how you experience both your current days, as well as your future! Ok, I have tried to motivate you to love and value yourself as the Lord loves and values you, His beloved daughter, Bride, and temple of the Holy Spirit.

Now let's look at a few specifics.

➡️Here’s what "wound treatment" options might look like in widowhood (this is not exhaustive by any means):

• Involving our physical bodies and mental health in our healing with healthy food/fuel, exercise/movement, routine check ups and care, getting enough sleep, etc. Failing to take care of the only place you have to live (your body) can hinder your grief journey more than you may realize.

• Healthy processing tools (proven in psychology) like journaling and gratitude methods, or somatic body work (such as vagus nerve healing) to help metabolize your pain in healing ways.

• Therapy or trauma-informed counseling to address emotional wounds and gently work through the hard layers of pain. Therapy is a great tool to help take you from non-functional/crisis states to functioning.

• Personalized Coaching that helps you identify where you’re stuck and equips you with tools to take confident steps in the "what now" areas. Coaching is often from struggling (but functioning) to HOPE-filled, forward movement!

  
  

• Rebuilding spiritual connection with God—through your own individual time with Him in the Word, through meditation, in nature, as well as part of the body of Christ through a safe, supportive and Spirit-filled church (they do exist!).

Including these things into your life is possible, and it is worth the investment into yourself. You don’t have to figure this all out today; just take a couple brave steps toward healing.

3) Engaging Relationships (with God & Others) in the Process💕

Ok, seriously? Why is healing in relationship a critical step in deep healing as a WIDOW? How does that make sense? Aren't we figuring out how to do this all on our own, now?

I sure hope not.

Loneliness is one of the top struggles for widows. What is more, research has shown (credit to Dr. Curt Thompson) that so much of how we are wounded in relationships and in shame can be healed best within safe, trusted relationships! Miraculously, new neural networks within the brain (a new mind) even occur through these relational interactions (body to body healing)!

There are so many reasons, from a holistic standpoint, to involve relationships in our deep widowhood healing. Humans need safe people who can witness and tend to our pain and needs.

➡️Here are a few ways integrating these kinds of relationships into your own deeper healing:

• Grief/widow support groups and other forms of community with those who truly “get it,” so you don’t feel so alone. (I personally feel I have the most incredible Christian widow community, and you are welcome to join us!)

• As described in more detail in Step 2, therapy and coaching are both relational supports to help you heal and grow in widowhood, and beyond! I did 5 years of weekly therapy in widowhood, but finding coaching changed my life so drastically I left Nursing and became a Christian Widow Coach myself (feel free to learn more about my support here).

• Honest, two-way conversations with God that open your heart to comfort. (I highly recommend the book Joyful Journey: Listening to Immanuel for some practices on hearing from the Lord). We utilize this in my widow community and Coaching.

• Learning to ask and also to receive—from people, from God, and even from your own self-compassion.

  
  

In Closing: The Pain Is Real—But So Is the Healing

I remember when I finally decided living the same life I currently had- the pain and struggles I was experiencing as a widow- wasn't what I was going to accept for my future.

It wasn’t a moment of weakness, but of strength and wisdom. It was the beginning of deep healing for me. The pain didn’t vanish, but I finally had next steps into a doable path forward.

And so can you.

You’re not failing. You’re not broken beyond repair. You’re simply wounded. And wounds can and do heal—when tended rightly, with care.

You’re not alone, sweet sister, and you weren't made to carry this in isolation.

You can find change if you see yourself worthy of making changes. Healing your heart will change the rest of your life. Let’s walk it together.

With you,

Rachel

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