How to Grieve (Part 1)- Why We Have to Start at Acceptance & True Grief

"How do I grieve... how do I cope with this loss?"

It is a question I not only get a lot, but have asked myself, as a suicide widow.

While grief is not a linear process, it is a journey with common steps, and some common pitfalls. This three week series can help you along the way. ❤️‍🩹

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I thought I was grieving.

I cried. I screamed into pillows. I stared, numb and in disbelief for hours. I checked the boxes that society says count: do the funeral, eat the donated casseroles, keep getting out of bed.

But over a year later, when I attempted suicide myself for the second time, I began to realize I had fallen into a dark hole in my grief journey, somewhere.

No one ever really told me what grieving actually looked like. Turns out, I was living just one way of becoming stuck in the first step.

And we're digging into it this week as part 1 of our grief process:

Accepting our new reality, and truly grieving.

Grief Pitfalls: Bypassing and Getting Stuck

I know it seems so obvious that it's almost laughable, but if the first step in the grief journey is acceptance and actually grieving our losses, the truth is... We're terrible at doing it!

It seems ridiculous to say—of course we grieve, right? But I bring this up because real grief is something we often skip altogether, or get stuck in. Both of these have massive impacts on and implications for our grief journey, and our future.

1) Getting Stuck in the Pain

One place we feel trapped in grief and loss is when we set up camp in our early suffering, and never move... but live there, instead.

We can feel so overwhelmed with despair that we make pain our home, and don't realize there is more to a healthy journey of grief. We believe that we died when they died... and when we hold to this, we don't just experience death—we embody it.

The result of this pitfall is living a life that feels pretty much over, done, and miserable. It is devoid of hope, abundance or future dreams. Even though we hate it, we may not realize what we're doing, or don't know how to get out.

As an enneagram 4, I am a deep feeler (and not afraid of melancholy feelings!). When my husband died, I went right to the deep end of the grief pool, dove in, and stayed there.

For a long time, I thought staying in the pain honored who and what I lost. I didn’t realize that staying stuck there was robbing me of the healing and rebuilding God had for me (the next steps in this blog series-stay tuned!).

While authentic grief is valuable, so is its forward movement... and I was lacking in that.

2) Bypassing Our Losses

Another pitfall is when we rush past grief because it’s unbearable. The losses are too great to face. Perhaps, our underlying beliefs ("I am abandoned/unworthy" or "Life is now purposeless/hopeless," etc.) are too painful to even name.

We may try to numb or distract ourselves from it—maybe with alcohol, drugs, shopping, food, a new relationship, or just keeping too busy to feel. Numerous addictions and dysfunctions can surface as we attempt to find comfort.

Another way we bypass or avoid the grief process is by denial, or dissociating from it entirely. In this case, a person avoids feeling, thinking, or talking about their loss(es) altogether.

Perhaps we bypass just because we're trying to survive, keep our kids afloat, or not upset others with our grief process. As I talk to other widows, I hear these common themes:

“We’re told to be strong.”

“We don’t want to burden others.”

“We try to just move on.”

In a variety of ways, we give no notice, attention, or time to our bleeding hearts.

But by skipping the first step in the journey through grief, we don't actually "jump" to the other side like we may think. It is only another way we get trapped in the pain of grief.

2) Doing Both

Oftentimes we vacillate in our grief and do a bit of both bypassing and being stuck (I did).

It's part of the human experience to feel pain and loss, and it's part of our human nature to try to escape, and comfort ourselves with the wrong things.

And friend, if you’re feeling hopeless, lost, or think you "got over it" without feeling anything—if either of these pitfalls rings true for you—you might be stuck in this very first step.

Here’s what you need to know:

You can’t move forward into your life and healing if you haven’t truly accepted your losses and grieved.

Truly Grieving

Now that we know how we avoid it, let's briefly talk about what it means to actually grieve.

Authentic grief is not finding the fastest, easiest way through. It’s also not "getting over it."

It’s looking at the reality of what you’ve lost—and letting it break your heart.

Yes, it hurts.

Yes, it takes time.

Yes, it’s terrifying.

Yes, it’s the bravest thing you’ll ever do.

Because an open, broken heart can be healed (festering wounds cannot).

Until you face your new reality—both inwardly (what your heart actually feels) and outwardly (what your life now looks like)—you can’t step into healing or rebuilding.

This isn’t about wallowing and getting stuck, remember. Because even if you can't sense it, the reality you are accepting does contain HOPE!

This is about telling yourself the truth so God can begin to do something with it.

Grief doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you loved and lost.

And the only way out… is through.

How to Begin Grieving Authentically

You just need to start with one honest moment... then string more of them together.

Here’s how:

• Feel what you feel. Where is it in your body, and how would you describe it, physically? Allow yourself to sit and feel it.

  
  

  Now, what would you call it? Anger? Numbness? Jealousy? Relief? Sadness? Associate the bodily feeling to the emotion you've chosen.

  
  

  All of them (there's more than one) are ok, and all of them belong.

  
  

• Name what you’re thinking. This can be hard, but try to hold open space for the raw thoughts your brain is offering you. What are you honestly believing?

  
  

  Say them out loud or write them down in a journal. “I don’t know who I am anymore.” “I don't know how to do this life without them.” “I feel like I’m going crazy.”

  
  

• Be honest with God. He can handle you unfiltered. He already knows and loves you, so invite Him into the process.

It will feel messy and hard—that’s where healing begins.

We’ll talk about the next steps, healing and rebuilding, in the next two weeks, but for now:

Just be here. You and the Lord.

Opening your honest, broken heart to Him is the first, holy step.

The Bravery of Authentic Grief... & Authentic Hope

There was a moment, deep in my grief, when I realized I wasn’t just "still very sad"—I was stuck. Despair had settled in so deeply, I didn’t even know how to part from it.

One night, sitting in the silence after my kids were in bed, I whispered a truth I’d been too afraid to admit:

“God, I still want a beautiful life.”

It felt almost wrong to say—selfish, maybe. But it was honest. I didn’t want to stay in the darkness forever. I wanted to laugh again, love again, dream again. And in that moment, I sensed His presence and invitation to move toward it together. I was open to change.

That was a beginning for me... trusting that great beauty and joy could still grow from broken places.

It can for you, too.

With you,

Rachel

PS-

If you could use connection & support getting unstuck, a personalized strategy to help you confidently rebuild a life you love (with HOPE)—that is the clarity that real time Coaching gives! Reach out to me for a free consultation at:

Connect@hopespeaker.com

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