How to Navigate Grief as a Widow (Part 1): Healthy Grieving

"I honestly don't know what to do, or how to navigate this..."

"I feel stuck in grief..."

When we become widows, we can feel lost in a new life we never wanted.

While all of us will experience grief in our own way, healthy grieving, healing, and rebuilding our lives anew isn't something every widow ends up doing, unfortunately.

Grief is not a linear process, but the journey does have common pitfalls, and common steps (yes I said the "s" word). Don't let the word "steps" in the grief process turn you away; your widowhood loss and journey are still very much unique, and this isn't about packaging things into a black and white box.

But breaking down our journey into "steps" of grieving, healing, and rebuilding gives us a framework to talk about safe, healthy grief that has forward movement and doesn't circle the drain of darkness.

This three week series is designed to help you along the way. Let's go, sister. 💔❤️‍🩹❤️

---

I thought I was grieving "normally" after losing my husband (if there was such a thing).

I cried. I wailed. I stared off in numb disbelief. I checked the boxes that I had to: do the funeral, get the death certificate, keep getting out of bed for my kids.

But when I became so low that I attempted suicide myself, I began to realize I had fallen into a dark hole in my grief journey, somewhere. Maybe this level of devastation wasn't "normal," or at least, certainly wasn't healthy.

I didn't know what healthy grieving actually looked like. In my survival, it turned out I was stuck in a dark place from early in the process.

Hopelessness isn't the only way we can get derailed- it can look like other things, too. And we're digging into it this week as Part 1 of our grief process:

Accepting our new reality, and truly grieving in a healthy way.

It's so important because it can change the course of our journey! Let's briefly chat about what that means.

Grief Pitfalls: Getting Stuck & Bypassing

I know it seems so obvious that it's almost laughable, but if the first step in the grief journey is acceptance and actually grieving our losses, the truth is... We're terrible at doing it!

Real, healthy grief is something many try to skip altogether, or get stuck in. Both of these have massive impacts on and implications for our grief journey, and our future.

1) Getting Stuck in the Pain

This is what I did in my early grief experience. Sometimes widows feel trapped in grief and loss because we set up camp in the valley of the shadow of death... and live there instead of walking through it with the Lord.

We can feel so overwhelmed with despair that we make pain our home, and don't realize there is a better journey of grief available to us. We believe that we died when they died, and when we hold to this, we don't just experience death—we embody it.

The result of this pitfall is living a life that feels pretty much over, done, and miserable. It is devoid of hope, abundance or future dreams. It comes out in how we speak and how we feel in our widowhood days. Even though we hate it, we may not realize what we're doing, or don't know how to get out.

Sometimes it's because we think that staying in pain honors who and what we've lost. But it actually robs you of the healing and rebuilding God has for you (the next steps in this blog series-stay tuned!).

While authentic grief is valuable, so is its forward movement. In healthy grief, we have both.

2) Bypassing Our Losses

Another pitfall is when we rush past grief because it's, obviously, painful. The losses feel too great to face. Perhaps, our underlying beliefs ("I am abandoned/unworthy" or "Life is now purposeless/hopeless," etc.) are too much to connect with.

We may try to numb or distract ourselves from it—maybe with alcohol, drugs, shopping, food, a relationship(s), sex, or just keeping too busy to feel. Numerous addictions and dysfunctions can surface in widowhood as we attempt to find comfort and relief.

Another way we bypass or avoid the grief process is by denial, or dissociating from it entirely. In this case, a person avoids feeling, thinking, or talking about their loss(es) altogether.

Perhaps we bypass just because we're trying to survive, keep our kids afloat, or not upset others with our grief process. As I talk to other widows, I hear these common themes:

“I have to be strong.”

"I can't go there."

“I don’t want to burden others.”

"Being sad won't change it anyway."

In a variety of ways, we give no notice, attention, or time to our bleeding hearts. But by skipping the first step in the journey through grief, we don't actually "jump" to the other side like we may think.

Limits in grief are good, but trying to bypass the pain of widowhood will only get you trapped in grief.

2) Doing Both

Oftentimes we vacillate in our widowhood grief and do a bit of both- bypassing and getting stuck (I did).

It's part of our human nature to try to escape, and comfort ourselves with the wrong things, and it's the tendency of some to become ensnared in overwhelming pain and loss.

And sister, if you’re feeling hopeless, lost, or think you "got over it" without feeling anything—if either of these pitfalls rings true for you—you might be stuck in this very first step.

Here’s what you need to know:

You can’t move forward into your life and healing if you haven’t truly felt and accepted your losses.

True, Healthy Grieving

Now that we know how we avoid it, let's briefly talk about what it means to actually grieve in a healthy way.

Authentic grief is not finding the fastest, easiest way through. It’s also not "getting over it."

It’s looking at the reality of what you’ve lost—and letting it break your heart.

Yes, it hurts, takes time, and is terrifying.

AND, it’s the bravest thing you’ll ever do.

Because an open, broken heart can be healed (festering wounds cannot).

Until you face your new reality—both inwardly (what your heart actually feels) and outwardly (what your life now looks like)—you can’t step into healing or rebuilding.

When I say, "let it break your heart," it isn’t about wallowing and getting stuck, remember. It's about genuinely acknowledging and feeling the loss of your husband. Because even if you can't sense it, the reality you are accepting does contain HOPE!

This is about telling yourself the truth so God can begin to do something with it.

Grief doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you loved and lost.

And the only way out… is through.

Healthy, Authentic Grief

How do you genuinely acknowledge and feel your grief experiences as a widow? Just start with one honest moment... then string more of them together. It may seem trite, but it's a healthy way of experiencing it, and bringing the Lord into it with you!

Here’s how it can look in a wave of grief:

1. Feel what you feel. Where is it in your body, and how would you describe it, physically? Allow yourself to sit and feel it (know it's going to come and go, it will pass).

   
   

   Now, what would you call it? Anger? Numbness? Jealousy? Relief? Sadness? Associate the bodily feeling to the emotion you've chosen.

   
   

   All of them (there's more than one) are ok, and all of them belong.

   
   

2. Name what you’re thinking. This can be hard, but try to hold open space for the raw thoughts your brain is offering you. What are you honestly believing?

   
   

   Say them out loud or write them down in a journal. “I don’t know who I am anymore.” “I don't know how to do this life without them.” “I feel like I’m going crazy.”

   
   

3. Be honest with God, and invite Him into it with you. He can handle you unfiltered. He already knows and loves you, so include Him into the process. Ask Him to show you where He is with you, and allow the Spirit in you to humble receive what He has to give you, show you or tell you.

It will feel messy and hard—that’s where healing begins.

We’ll talk about the next steps, healing and rebuilding, in the next two weeks, but for now:

Just be here. You and the Lord.

Opening your honest, broken heart to Him is the first, holy step.

The Bravery of Authentic Grief... & Authentic Hope

There was a moment, deep in my grief, when I realized I wasn’t just "still very sad"—I was stuck. Despair had settled in so deeply, I didn’t even know how to part from it.

One night, sitting in the silence after my kids were in bed, I whispered a truth I’d been too afraid to admit:

“God, I still want a beautiful life.”

It was an honest cry. I didn’t want to stay in the darkness forever. I wanted to laugh again, love again, dream again. And in that moment, I sensed His presence and invitation to move toward it together. I was open to change.

That was a beginning for me... trusting that great beauty and joy could still grow from broken places.

It can for you, too.

With you,

Rachel

"...Sisters [in Christ]... you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope."

-1 Thess. 4:13

Christian widows grieve differently- we grieve with HOPE!

If you are wondering what difference it makes to walk widowhood together with other widows who love Jesus, I will tell you it makes all the difference in the world, because His HOPE gives us an entirely different identity and trajectory!

If you are ready to find a community of Christian widows to walk that out with you, you've found a safe space. We truly get it, and are connecting, encouraging and praying together as we move forward in HOPE.

Join us in The HOPE Stronghold. You don't need to do this alone anymore.

🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post,

or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top)

to be in-the-know when a new post drops and for weekly encouragement!