Suicide Survivor's Guilt: Moving Forward to Freedom After Suicide Loss

While guilt after suicide loss is "common" and "expected," it is also devastating and even crippling to those left behind.

If you’ve lost someone to suicide, you know the torment that follows. We look back, inspecting memories for warning signs, questioning our every word or action. We live in the "what ifs" and "if onlys," convinced that somehow, we could have/should have stopped it. We go looking for who (outside of the person) is "responsible/to blame." We might even repeatedly fantasize about things going differently, with a different scenario.

I struggled with a lot of this, too.

These thoughts are normal—but getting stuck in them keeps us trapped, and may even lead us to hopelessness ourselves. We become frozen in the past, reliving the trauma and pain.

But guilt and shame are the Devil's playground.

After the loss of my husband by suicide, I became so low that I attempted myself. And it was through my battle with the weight and darkness that I came to two critical truths—that had to become true beliefs of mine—that brought real freedom.

I'll share them with you.

Truth vs. Lies: The Holy, Freeing Work of Thought Work

Before I share these two critical truths, I have to tell you: They won't mean anything if you don't let the lies go and make a decision to change your beliefs.

Did you know you could do that? As a Coach, let me tell you, you can. And as a Christian, let me tell you, you must.

Romans 12:2 says to "be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

You see, guilt after suicide loss centers around illusion of control. If you are stuck in guilt, you think you could have controlled it.

But here's the foundation: No one could control the person who died by suicide.

We first need to accept that while humans can influence and impact one another (sometimes significantly), we each have free will to make our own choices, and will stand responsible before God only for ourselves. There won't be finger-pointing before the Lord, as He will hold each person accountable for the only thing we can control: ourselves.

When we can let go of control, here’s the two truths that will help set you free:

1) It was their decision

Suicide, by definition, is acting to end your own life. If they passed by someone else's hands, it wouldn't be called suicide.

They are an autonomous person made in the image of their Creator. Although painful, we have to accept that they chose to leave this life. Even if their mind and brain were sick, they make their own choices.

**And though they made this choice, here’s another critical truth: Suicide is not an unforgivable sin.

Biblically speaking, there is no such posture toward suicide. God’s grace covers their story. They're free now—no more torment, no more chains, and no accusation toward anyone else.**

2) It was not your decision

It seems the same as #1, but hear it this way: You couldn't control them, and you couldn't make this choice for them.

Even if there was conflict between you before they passed, if you triggered them, or even if they blatantly accused or blamed you related to their suicide, the ownership of their choice, and the responsibility for their own life, rests on them.

Friend, it's not your job to carry what was never yours.

As a suicide widow (and attempt survivor myself in the aftermath of losing my husband), I’ve battled this deeply. Healing began when I stopped playing on the playground of guilt and shame, and intentionally exchanged lies for truth.

Let's briefly touch on some practical steps to moving forward through suicide survivor's guilt.

How to Begin Moving Forward From Survivor's Guilt

Here are two sacred parts of healing guilt after suicide:

1) Acceptance & Grieving Honestly

True grief is critical in our journey of grief. Without honestly seeing and working through the very real heartbreak, we either get stuck in pain or try to bypass it. Neither is effective, or produces forward movement after loss.

Here are some steps that are a quick read, but need depth and practice in suicide loss:

• Feel what you feel. Identify where it lives in your body and how you experience it. Don’t run from it.

• Name your thoughts. Write them. Speak them. Let them be raw..

• Be honest with God. Invite Him into the mess. He already knows. Let Him love you here.

Don't allow fear and shame to hide what festers in the dark. The light is where real grief begins. And with it, real healing.

(You can dig into acceptance and true grief in the first post of a mini series HERE)

2) Surrender & Release What Was Never Yours to Control

It bears repeating: Guilt after suicide loss centers around illusion of control. If you are stuck in guilt, you think you could have controlled it. The foundation is that no one could control the person who died by suicide.

These bullet points, again, are an easy read, but a repeated practice:

• Name their autonomy as you grieve their pain: "I am so sorry for your suffering, and I'm sad you made this choice."

• Surrender control of your person and the number of their days. Somehow, the Lord knew and is still sovereign over the redemption and resurrection that will come through (even this) death.

• Forgive the person: It hurt, even though it wasn't about you. The Lord's grace covers them fully.

• Forgive yourself: NOT because it was your fault, because you were never meant to be their Savior. But in any and every way you fell short of perfect love... and you know what? Perfect grace has you, too.

Forward Into Freedom

Sister, the weight of guilt, of “what if” and "if only" can never rewrite the story. The good news is you can lay it down.

Forward movement happens when you stop grasping for control over the past and start surrendering their story back to the only One big enough to hold it: God.

Yes, they made a tragic choice, and it changed everything for you, too. I am so sorry.

But it was not your choice. And it was never your fault.

Let that truth crack open your deeper healing, because God is not finished writing the story. He still brings beauty from ashes, and resurrection life from death.

Your story isn't over yet. It can be one of deep-rooted confidence, Spirit-led healing, and a future built in freedom.

With you,

Rachel

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