Christian Widow Grief: Why Bypassing Pain Hurts Healing | Hope Speaker

Hello, sisters! Today I want to talk about something that can feel a little controversial—our attitude toward grief (especially early grief). Things like the funeral, the service, and the trajectory we set for our grief right from the start.

It can be hard to discuss when everyone is quick to defend their subjective and unique grief experience. While there is validity to our own journey, it can prevent us from looking at navigating grief more objectively- seeing what helps us move forward in a healthy way from evidence, rather than staying stuck.

This idea was influenced by Dr. Alan Wolfelt from the Center for Loss and Life Transition. If you’re not familiar with his work, his resources are incredibly helpful. One of the things he talks about is how often we try to bypass grief, and how that can actually end up harming us. I want to talk about that in a way that respects personal convictions, because this isn’t about right or wrong.

But it is also about how our bodies, our brains, and our hearts work together in widowhood grief.

How We Avoid Sadness & Bypass Grief in Early Widowhood

As human beings, we now know much more about how pain and grief are processed. When we don’t authentically go through grief and metabolize our pain, we don’t get rid of it—we hold on to it instead.

You may be familiar with the book The Body Keeps the Score. It explains how our bodies hold onto trauma and pain we don’t address holistically. Unacknowledged grief doesn't go away. We’re often unaware of how it’s affecting us—physically, mentally, and even spiritually. And without that awareness, deep healing doesn’t happen.

So let me ask you a question.

When your husband died, what were your thoughts about the funeral or the service? What were the expectations for what that was supposed to look like—and what it looked like afterward?

For many of us, those expectations are shaped by family, culture, and tradition. In my own family, the common approach has been a celebration of life. It's become common in western culture. But by jumping straight into celebration, we can often bypass the sad part—the crying, the mourning, the grieving... which are actually a very important part of the healing process.

We move quickly from “this person is no longer in our daily life” to “we’re celebrating that they’re in heaven.” And while those things are true and they matter tremendously, they aren’t the whole picture.

In fact, when we do this in early grief, we miss out on what should be most important- that which helps us process loss and heal through our grief.

Who are our Funerals & Rituals in Death Are Really For?

Here’s something important I want to say clearly:

The funerals & traditions are not for the person who died. They're for the people left behind.

That would be YOU.

Yes, we honor their life. Yes, we acknowledge that they are no longer suffering. But funerals, services, and rituals exist to help us connect to the loss (and one another) as we process through it. Not closure—because we know this is really just the beginning of the grief journey—but connection.

Rituals matter... Funerals. Memorials. Even continuing to acknowledge, in uplifting ways, specific dates or anniversaries linked to our late husband. These things have been shown to be healing and helpful.

We see this spiritually too—Jesus taught us about communion and baptism. Rituals are not meaningless or mystical. They are grounding and healing in our human experience.

They allow us to mourn together.

When we skip over these things—especially in early grief—we can unintentionally set a trajectory that says:

• “I’m not going to feel this.”

• “I’m not going to cry.”

• “I’m not going to let this hurt much.”

But the truth is, your heart is broken. The person you loved died. And that matters to your grieving and healing process.

Our Christian Faith Reveals Mourning Matters

Scripture tells us that death is the last enemy to be destroyed- I personally don’t see death as neutral.

Yes, we have hope of heaven. Yes, we believe in eternal life. Yes we find comfort in our husband's presence there!

But Jesus still wept at Lazarus’s tomb.

Even knowing resurrection was coming, Jesus connected with grief, sadness, and loss. Why? I believe it's because in our broken human experience here, death is significant. Loss is significant. Enough to feel it and even shed tears in our grief.

So if you were pushed—by others or by yourself—to bypass grief… if you were told being sad wasn’t helpful, or felt pressure to be “further along” than you were… if you decided "being sad or hurting won't change anything, anyway..."

I want to gently encourage you to revisit that, sister.

Allowing Grief Instead of Avoiding It

If you notice that when things get painful, you shut it down—

“I don’t have time for this.”

“I can’t deal with this right now.”

"Crying is a waste of time."

Know that it's a human temptation that we don't want to choose all the time. We might numb out, dissociate, or cope in ways that aren’t healthy—food, alcohol, substances, distractions, even relationships... because we’re trying to survive by getting around it instead of going through it..

But the only way out is through. Avoiding grief doesn’t heal it.

I’ve been a nurse for 14 years, and in healthcare we (try to) focus on root causes. If you only treat symptoms, the problem doesn’t go away. Putting a bandage over a dirty wound without addressing and treating the real issue allows infection to grow.

Grief is like that, too.

After my husband died, I attended a suicide loss group. A young man shared that when his brother died, he decided not to feel it. Almost a decade later, he was there admitting that the grief he'd pushed away was coming out in all sorts of terrible ways—and he was struggling deeply. That moment stayed with me.

Sister, bypassing grief does not get you through faster. The only way out is through.

And we don’t have to fear that, because the Lord is faithful to walk it and feel it with us. There is help. There is HOPE!

Feeling & Healing it Together

Research repeatedly shows that we can heal deeper in safe, empathetic and hope-filled relationships. A lot of healing happens with others.

If you’re struggling, please stay connected. I lead a Christian widow community where we allow space to acknowledge loss honestly and walk toward healing together—without avoiding the hard things of widowhood or getting stuck in them.

Visit us HERE

We grieve with HOPE (1 Thessalonians 4:13). And that changes everything.

Thank you for being here!

With you,

Rachel

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