Christian Widow Grief: Releasing Control and Embracing Surrender | Hope Speaker
If you have felt lost, out of control, and desperate to get out of the pain in widowhood, you are in good company. When we got thrown into this "Club of Tragedy," our very bodies (even our brains) went into a scramble trying to get out. Trying to find something to hold onto in this freefall.
We spend hours thinking about the "what ifs" and "if onlys" related to his passing. We spend hours searching for information on grief, loss and widowhood... hours trying to make any of this make sense.
The problem is, we think that "figuring it out" will make it better. Because if we can figure it out, if we can learn the "how," it gives us a sense of control and safety. Maybe we could have changed it. Or maybe we can at least get control now....
While control and safety are important parts of empowerment in widowhood, the key is really what we are trying to find safety in, and control of. the wrong things keep us spinning in circles...
The Hamster Wheel of Trying to "Figure It Out"
Trying to find safety in control is why widows run the hamster wheel of the "hows":
"How could this have been prevented?"
"How do I do this grieving thing?"
We feel if we could just understand what happened before he passed away, maybe we could have prevented it. This is definitely where we can get stuck after suicide loss, but also other ways we were widowed, whether accident, illness, or something else.
We keep going back, playing it over, trying to "figure it out" because we're still clinging onto the hope of making this different instead of living fully the life we're in now.
Sometimes the control comes out in trying to understand the grief journey. We think that we just need to know the how-tos. How do I do this, now, to move on as quickly as possible?
We widows are pretty good internet researchers. We go on YouTube, social media, groups, and more trying to find the answer(s). And to be clear, I'm not saying those things are bad at all! I literally use those platforms to try to help widows in the journey.
But when it's coming from a place of trying to control to escape the pain, it's never going to be enough. In the end, we really don't need more information or another how-to. It is not the answer.
"Figuring out" what happened or how to widow isn't going to help in widowhood like surrender, trust, and being known on the journey are.
The Way Forward: Surrender, Trust, and Faith
We get through the faith journey of widowhood just like every life season: returning our eyes and heart to Jesus, surrendering our will for His, and boldly living out our faith.
Jesus never gave instruction manuals. He called for people to receive Him and the Kingdom that was being given through Him. And sister, Jesus is right here with you. He offers to walk with you as a Kingdom widow right here.
This will never be about what you can do or how well you can do this widowhood journey. It's about giving glory to God as you love Jesus as a widow.
He doesn't want you to "do" anything. He wants your love. He wants your faith.
...when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth? -Luke 18:8
When you surrender your control, and yes, even the life you wanted, to God by opening your hands, you are also open to receiving what He has for you now and ahead.
Instead of cycling on trying to figure this out, we surrender and trust Him. We believe what He says:
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. -Psalm 27:13
You can be confident of His goodness for you in your remaining days. You didn't die when your husband died. It may have felt like it, but you are still alive and He has more for you than where you are right now.
So how can we love, trust, and follow the Lord as Kingdom widows? Here are just three ways.
1) Vulnerability with God
This is hard for women, for a host of cultural reasons I won't go into in this post. It's also hard for a widow who has lost her person, and is navigating surviving a myriad of ways she feels less safe.
The world is cruel. People take advantage of widows, and men who are sharks can appear when our hearts are bleeding. We may also be navigating hurt from the church. We may be trying to protect children who are now more vulnerable also.
I know how hard vulnerability is. And, safety is the first stage of healing.
Working through the walls of a heart hardened to your Maker is the first place to start.
You may feel betrayed by God, abandoned, harmed. My prayer is that although this is not heaven, and in this world we will have trouble (as Jesus promised in John 16:33), that you will take heart! Jesus has overcome the world.
He is not against you, and He didn't take your husband. He welcomed him home. He will faithfully love and walk with you on this broken road, until we are with Him where He has made all things new (Revelation 21:5).
Go to Him with your broken, weary, angry heart. He is your safe place to be raw, completely known, and loved the same.
2) Ask and Receive What You Need from Him
Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full. -John 16:24
Oftentimes, we are trying to get things from God. To get is “to obtain by struggle and effort.”
Receiving is different. Remember, open hands are a posture of surrender... and they are in a posture to receive the goodness God has for you.
When we come to Christ, we are in the waters of His ever-flowing grace and mercy toward us. All we need is to receive it; even from the Holy Spirit who is always indwelling and providing this strength and grace to us.
“Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive. -John 7:37–39
So drink deeply, sister. This is the way of a Kingdom widow.
Blessed is she who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. She will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out her roots by the stream. She does not fear when heat comes; her leaves are always green. She has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. -Jeremiah 17:7–8
3) Rest in Him
Sister, none of this is about performing, about "doing more" or "trying harder." You are finding relief from the need to control, and to figure things out, to be safe and at peace.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. -Matthew 11:28
Sister, He is your hiding place:
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. -Psalm 32:7
When you are overwhelmed with grief, fall on Him.
When you are out of strength, draw from His.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"... For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:9–10
Widows can be the weakest they've ever felt, and, Kingdom widows are powerhouses in God's grace, by His Spirit.
Stay in Hope, and Don't Walk It Alone
If you want to keep grieving and rebuilding in HOPE with other Kingdom widows, welcome sister.
You can receive personalized 1:1 Christian widow coaching with me (and have complimentary access to our amazing community) if you are done with widowing alone.
You can also start with joining our private, virtual Christian widow community membership: The HOPE Stronghold.
With you here, sister!
Rachel
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