5 Healing Essentials for a New Widow

Navigating life as a new widow is like trying to discover how to rebuild at ground zero. It can seem not only impossible, but when we're honest.... we might not desire a "good" life without them.

But it is possible, my friend. It won't be the same good, but it can still be good again. I have been there, and I am here to help.

Here are 5 powerful areas I found crucial to press into (the last 3 are my favorite!):

1. Empathy

Why is empathy - the ability to feel with others and connect with their emotions - so important to us widows? It's because the ability for others to join and companion us in our pain, in an authentic way, can be one of the most safe, healing, and helpful things anyone could do!

The fact is, no one can change what happened. No one can bring our spouse back, make it right, or take the pain away. But whatever people can do that is helpful (and we will go into that), it is most helpful (and likely) to come from a heart that is empathetic with our pain.

As we suffer and struggle, we will feel less alone, more able to be honest, and will find more comfort with those who can truly connect with our grief and loss.

Empathetic people aren't afraid of the journey of grief. They can hear your pain, without pushing their pace/agenda. They won't deny the needs you are sharing with them, or judge your grieving process. No one is perfect, but these are aspects of empathy.

All the other essentials will typically come from those who are able to be empathetic with you, and you will save yourself more grief by finding and focusing on these safe relationships, rather than trying to change those around you to become so.

Find the "faithful few," as I like to call them, to journey with you toward healing in widowhood. Often it's other widows, or those who have suffered other ways and been intentional with their own healing journeys.

Those who lack empathy can inflict more pain than they realize, and it closes us off to them immediately. We just can't take acid on a fresh, open wound.

Make empathy, and relationships that are anchored in it, a top priority.

If you haven't already seen it, I love and highly recommend this video on empathy by Brene Brown.

2. Stability

I'm going to camp here a minute, because finding safety and support when grieving the loss of our spouse is critical.

When your world crumbles, and you are trying to put the pieces back together, you can go into survival mode in a variety of areas: physically, financially, emotionally, relationally, spiritually...

It can go on for years, but it is more likely to be mitigated through the ways we can make things stable again. Here are some tips to help:

Find Safe People

At a very vulnerable time, you need to make sure your help comes from those whom you can trust. Listen to your intuition and what feels safe to you when making decisions in who to delegate tasks to/receive help from, and who enters your inner world.

This is also a caution for future romantic relationships; many widows have been used or scammed by those establishing this type of connection/trust to take advantage of them in the aforementioned areas.

I would suggest keeping those who are truly safe and protective of you (in a healthy way) near. If you trust them and know their heart for you, you can listen to and receive from their words of wisdom, their cautions, and from their perspectives.

Ask for Assistance

When you have safe people around you, tell them what you need! You can even ask them to help you find other safe and well-equipped people to delegate specific tasks to.

This is such a critical area of overwhelm for widows. After my husband died, I was left with 4 children, trying to figure out both what responsibilities my husband had that I needed to take over and how to do it. His identity was stolen, and our main credit card (with necessary autopayments linked) was shut down to me even though my name was on the account and I was a surviving spouse.

It was a nightmare, on top of the grief I was already experiencing. That is why the first resource I created was for those who are newly widowed- to have a checklist to walk them through the necessary steps when their spouse has died.

I wish I could get the Newly Widowed Checklist into the hands of every person who steps into widowhood. It was the resource I desperately needed to make things just a little bit easier to navigate and complete. I am giving away for free, so please utilize and share:

Newly Widowed Checklist 🌻

Mental Health Support

The last part of stability that is critical to mention is our mental health. It's not just the circumstances of our lives that need attention. Our very brains have taken a major hit with trauma and the losses of death.

My late husband died by suicide, and I became so low and hopeless myself that I ended up attempting twice, on top of struggling with suicidal ideation for years. While despair can be normal and grief complicated, we don't want it to get so dark that we give up.

We didn't die with them, and our lives are not over yet.

Self-care is not a luxury in this season. It is a necessity. I am not talking about addictions or other unhealthy or destructive ways of coping. I am talking about caring for ourselves lavishly in this time.

I look back on myself as a new widow with such compassion.

I vividly remember crying outside a smoothie shop and deciding to leave without getting one, in panic of my financial future... Even though I was down to almost 100 lbs. in my grief (way too thin), dehydrated on a hot summer day, running endless errands trying to deal with his death (like the police station, due to his stolen identity). I felt paralyzed to meet my own needs.

Or the time I escaped a near-suicide attempt, barely making the decision to go get a massage (gifted to me) instead... I lay on the table almost weeping aloud as I experienced human touch again. I realized that physical touch was still a need, and it was worth pursing the things I needed to cope rather than un-aliving myself in desperation.

It is hard not to let fear and pain be driving decisions right now, but carefully guarding your heart, home, children, and your world in general is so vital in this season. You are worth every resource to stay alive and to heal!

3. Empowerment

The empowerment of widows is absolutely vital!

Why? Because if we do not find our voice, power and ability to direct our own lives, we will never be able to rebuild or recreate them.

Can you tell I'm super passionate about this one? Unashamedly so.

The irony of people expecting/demanding (or even simply hoping) we will move forward, while doing things that hinder us from being able to, shouldn't escape our notice.

There is an empowerment gap for women (widows vs widowers), and even more for widows that come from religions/faiths/churches where the roles of leadership and authority are either given strictly, or weighted primarily, to men alone.

Here it is, straight:

➡️How could you expect a widow to have the confidence, voice and ability to lead her own life/home/family, if you have never equipped her, believed in her, and empowered her to do so as a woman? Not to mention if you also do not do so after her husband dies? It is the epitome of being set up to fail.⬅️

You cannot become self-sufficient, capable and strong on your own if you need to be monitored, questioned, or directed in what to do (needing someone's permission). Nor can you if you feel tied to hand-outs/"support" in a way that obligates and cripples, rather than honors you and your new role.

Having lived these unfortunate experiences, I know what it is like to have to navigate the internal and external battles of getting out of the crazy-making; allowing yourself to think your own thoughts, to use your voice, to trust your own relationship with God and your own judgement where others may not support it in your widowhood.

But it can be done. Those who are truly safe and who are for you will support and empower you to persevere, heal and grow on this journey. Where they cannot, rest assured that you can still empower yourself. 💗

4. Grace

When your world has blown up, when you are in excruciating pain, and when you are walking through a valley you have never been through before, you're going to mess up... a lot. Probably much more than you already did when your life was "normal" and "stable."

In fact, if you are anything like me, you will struggle with things you never did before, fail in ways you never thought you would, and be the farthest you have ever been from "having it all together."

Welcome to the messy s*%# show of widowhood (just keepin' it real). If you are a widow, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're not, you have no idea the inside experience.

Here's the gospel truth, though: where our sins are many, His mercy is more. We cannot out-fail His grace. Praise God!

Where we experience the most terrible of human pain and suffering, there is an entirely different level of refinement, and it is a gift. I would never know His lovingkindness the way I do after I became the things I hated and lost pride in my performance.

I am not saying that screwing up is good in any way, but all the mess, failure and weakness is where He delights to meet and strengthen us. Where we are weak, He is strong. He does amazing things in the impossible, and that is exactly what we need.

So in your widowhood and your grieving... welcome to grace! It is right here in abundance, and this is an opportunity to learn to give it to yourself as you are coping with your losses. It is through grace that we are made new and transformed. 🤲

5. Hope

I am a firm believer that we cannot live well, or even live long, without HOPE... hence the mission of Hope Speaker:

"Most people reach a point in their lives where they are overwhelmed with the struggles they are facing. We create resources that support, encourage, and heal, for people to recover their lives, have hope for their future and in some cases, simply keep surviving in their pain."

Hope is the confident expectation in the waiting, and in the hurting, that the goodness of God will come to us, even here. It is an anchor for our soul because we can trust Him, and that we will see His goodness even here in the land of the living... even without our spouse.

That takes time, healing, and one hell of a battle.

Post-traumatic growth, emotional resilience, and the increase of our faith do not simply happen on their own. I believe we are transformed as we suffer with hope.

We need hope desperately, and to keep believing the truth that it will not always be the way it is right now. We often need reminders and encouragement; it is typically not something you obtain once and never struggle with again.

These reminders come through a variety of ways:

• From our relationship with the Lord- When He speaks truth to our souls and shows us love, it is more powerful than hearing it from any other source. Go to Him, over and over!

  
  

• From other people- Whether they are faithful to walk alongside you offering encouragement, or are someone you know you can go to in a time of need, life-giving relationships are a valuable source of hope.

  
  

• Through reminders we can put up around us- As we go through these painful days, the dark and hopeless thoughts can replay in our minds, and become the lens through which we view our new life. Putting truth and encouragement on display in front of/around you can help combat this.

As I battled negative, even suicidal thoughts, I needed to put tangible reminders of hope in front of me around my home, and they helped me get through every one of my darkest days. This was actually the inspiration behind our family's HOPE Shop- to create products that help other people get through theirs.

My oldest girl, who also struggled intensely, and I hand-design these unique items with love, some even with original photography (I had to have eyes to capture glory to survive my dark days). They are a literal manifestation of beauty from the ashes of our story.

It is our desire for these gifts to be tangible reminders of hope to those who need it!

You can check out The HOPE Shop here! Here is a small sampling of our offerings:

My heart is that with these 5 Healing Essentials as a guide, you may find a way forward in widowhood that brings you HOPE! Save this post to return to, or share it with those who need it.

With you in HOPE, my friend,

Rachel

🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post,

or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top)

to be in-the-know when a new post drops!