Breaking Free from Guilt: Learning to Live Again After Loss

The Weight of Guilt in Grief

Grief is heavy enough on its own, but when guilt creeps in and latches on, it can feel suffocating.

You want to heal. You want to breathe again. But questions whisper:

"If I move forward, does that mean I’m leaving them behind?"

Maybe you replay the past, wondering if you could have done something differently. If your loss was due to suicide, you might wrestle with even more "what ifs":

"What if I had called?"

"What if I had seen the signs?"

"What if my last interaction with them had been different?"

Or if you lost a spouse, you may struggle with simple joys—smiling, laughing, even considering or desiring a new relationship—because it feels like betrayal.

This guilt convinces you that moving forward means dishonoring their memory. That if you dare to find happiness again, it must mean you don't love them enough.

But that is a lie. One the enemy tries to get you to believe... which keeps you stuck in darkness, pain and loneliness.

Guilt is not proof of love. And no amount of guilt can change what happened—but it can keep you from the healing and peace you were meant to have in your life going forward.

So, how do you break free from and learn to live again?

2 Truths That Set You Free

1) You are Only Responsible for/can Only Choose for Your Own Life

One of the hardest truths to accept after loss—especially in suicide grief—is that you are not responsible for what happened. You did not cause it (regardless of what they themselves may have said), and the decision wasn't yours.

Their life, their pain, and the number of their days were never in your hands.

If your loss wasn’t by suicide, you may still carry guilt—about what you said or didn’t say, what you did or didn’t do. Or, you may just plant your flag in "Why did this happen to them/to me?" with no intention to ever move beyond it.

But the truth is, none of us can predict the future or have control over much of anything, really. We can't control circumstances. Control - outside of deciding our own internal attitudes and choices - is an illusion.

Another reality is although we want answers, they would not truly soothe our loss, and no extra amount of time with them would still have been enough. Their loss would still be this grief we're navigating.

Most importantly, you did not die when they died. Although a part of you may have, it is not the same as your life and your story being over. While we hate that they have died, we have to take the grave clothes off and keep living the time we have left.

"Jesus called in a loud voice, 'Lazarus, come out!' And he came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, 'Take off the grave clothes and let him go.' " -John 11:43-44

Take off your grave clothes, my friend. You have been let go for a bit longer... God has given you more life to live, and that doesn’t mean forgetting them. It means honoring both their memory and the life still ahead of you.

2) Forgiveness Frees You

The only true healing to guilt is full, freeing, forgiveness that wipes every offense away. Forgiveness isn’t about excusing what happened. It isn’t about pretending there was no pain. It’s about releasing yourself from the prison of shame.

That might mean:

• Forgiving yourself for things you wish you had done differently.

• Forgiving the person you lost, if their actions caused you pain.

• Forgiving others you feel may have been at fault.

• Forgiving others who didn’t show up for you in your grief.

• Continuing this process of receiving and giving forgiveness.

But what if you don’t feel like forgiving, or like you can?

We want to be able to authentically and honestly work through these things. While I believe forgiveness is not a feeling (but rather a choice to release what is "owed" to you), I also recognize it is not the simple "one and done" that the faith community likes to pressure people into.

I believe it is a repeated decision (toward yourself and others) to stop replaying the past and step back into freedom. It may take some time with the Lord, but I hope you are willing to continue to engage with His freeing, unoffendable love.

And when guilt creeps back in and tries to latch on, you can rebuke it and revisit this forgiveness again. It's an ongoing journey, just like our grieving (and living!) are.

Because carrying unforgiveness won’t change the past—but it will shape your future. And you deserve a future that isn’t weighed down by chains you were never meant to carry.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” — Matthew 11:28-30

How to Start Living Again (Without Guilt)

Guilt tells you that healing is betrayal. That living the life you have left with joy means you didn’t love them enough. That taking steps forward means you’re leaving them behind.

But grief and love can coexist; in fact, they have to. When someone once asked if I was "done grieving yet" I replied, "Nope, because he's still dead." As long as he's gone I will be missing him and coping with his loss. I believe that we continue to navigate grief the rest of our lives, but we want to do it well.

You don’t stop loving them by living again. You don’t forget them by stepping into joy. In fact, embracing life can be one of the greatest ways to honor their memory. Love wants you to keep living a beautiful life.

Here’s how you can start stepping into that freedom:

1) Challenge the Guilt with Truth

Every time guilt creeps in, rebuke it and answer it with truth.

When your mind says, "I shouldn’t be happy," remind yourself:

"I call joylessness unfamiliar to me! My loved one would want me to live."

When guilt whispers, "I could have done more," tell yourself:

"I rebuke guilt! I did the best I could with what I knew at the time, and grace covers me."

When you feel like moving forward is a betrayal, say:

"Shut up, Liar! Healing doesn’t mean forgetting—it means honoring."

The enemy uses guilt like a playground of lies, but truth sets you free. Write these truths down, speak them aloud, and let them sink in.

2) Release the Weight of Regret

If you’re carrying "what ifs" or shame over the past, take time to acknowledge them. Then, release them.

Some ways to do this through rituals (which can help our brain process and find freedom):

• Write a letter to your loved one, saying all the things you never got to say, and then release it—burn it, bury it, or tuck it away as a symbol of letting go.

• Pray through each regret, asking God to take what you cannot carry and replace it with His peace.

• Physically release it—hold a rock, associate your "if only" to it, and throw it into water, as a reminder that you don’t have to hold onto it anymore.

Forgiveness isn’t a one-time act—it’s a practice. But every time you choose to release guilt, you are closer to freedom.

3) Take One Brave Step Toward Hope

This is where the rebuilding work begins. What brings life to your soul?

Maybe it’s listening to music again, or creating and sharing it. Maybe it’s traveling to your favorite healing place. Maybe it’s dreaming about the future and how you can shape it.

Give yourself permission (and find support!) to step into it.

You can start small, if needed:

• Take a walk and breathe deeply. Look for beauty wherever you go.

• Call a friend and say yes to coffee. Or connect with another who can relate to your loss.

• Turn on music and let yourself feel something besides pain (move to it if you can!)

One small step at a time, you are rebuilding a beautiful life. And one day, you’ll wake up and realize…

🌻 You are living again. And it’s more than just okay. It's so good. 🌻

Your Life Isn’t Over Yet

Healing is not forgetting. Moving forward is not leaving them behind.

You are not betraying your loved one by choosing to live—you are honoring their life by fully living yours.

Guilt wants to keep you trapped in the past. But grace invites you into the present.

There is mercy to choose afresh, right now.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18

With you,

Rachel

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