Fearless Confession of a New Widow: What It's Really Like

The tragedy that changed everything: My Person DIED

As a deep-feeler and a straight-shooter, I'm always going to be honest with you, whether you are here in the trenches of widowhood, walking with someone who is, or curious of/open to the truth about what it's like.

It all started the day Andre died.

That still feels absurd to write. It's still unbelievable to me, even after 5.5 yrs since it happened. It's as absurd and unbelievable as if your very tangible, real, breathing loved one, was dead.

We don't have a place to file that in our brains. My husband was as real, productive, alive... Then, he... wasn't. So when it happens, it's not just a shock, it's an unbelievable fact that you have to keep grasping over and over.

It's easy to want to tread carefully and to soften the blow by using phrases like "passed away," but those who are widowed typically name it straight to one another. Our person DIED. It is awful, horrific, and tragic.

"The last enemy to be destroyed is death," it says in 1 Corinthians 15:26. So acknowledge it as an enemy, and admit that all is not/will not yet be well, because this enemy has not yet been destroyed.

Us widowed folk live in a reality that others cannot hand-wave over or fix.

Nor should "fixing" ever be a part of the agenda.

Nor should the agenda of another ever be part of the equation, frankly speaking.

The most helpful and safe people are those who can face the reality of death with us (feeling it with us is a huge bonus), and just BE with us. To companion us in our grief, without trying to get us "moving on faster," or saying the things that make themselves feel better, rather than seeing what we really need: empathy and presence.

The shock of their death is something we all have to face again and again... with honesty. Grief is not a process on a timeline. It is a new way of learning to re-live the rest of our lives with an amputation (the permanent loss of them), that never ends.

Journey in the Dark: Who Am I?

When I entered the fog of widowhood, "widow" was the lens I saw everything through. It was the only thing about me that mattered.

Everywhere I went (even the grocery store I frequented), I felt like wearing a sign:

"Do you know that Andre died? I'm a widow. I'm a widow now.

Hello, I'm Rachel, and I'm a new widow."

While those on the outside can feel the shock and grief at certain times, they can return to their home, their spouse, their life as usual. We, on the other hand, never step out of it, step away from it, and can't escape or even take a break.

And it's SO MUCH MORE than just the loss of our person. I love this visual of the other losses created by the Modern Widows Club:

You see, it is that we lost our special person... but with them, we also lost so much more. All of these losses need to be felt, processed, and worked through.

If you know a widowed person who is sharing their pain and grief, consider yourself on holy ground. It is an honor to share the journey with them, and what they need is a safe place to be heard.

There are also places we are left to navigate completely alone. Things no one, including even our pastors, counselors, and closest friends dare to go. Things like:

• Our sexuality- losses, drives, urges and needs (like the need to be touched)

• Being treated as "unsafe" for other men, like a predator (hint: the above bullet doesn't make us "unsafe")

• Lack of empowerment for widows as "head of household" in spaces (like some churches) where men are expected to fill roles

• The loneliness of suddenly being unknown and unloved

I love what a grief poet, Sara Rian, writes:

"Where do we go to grieve

when it's our safe place

who died?"

Others in the Trenches: Finding My People

Have you ever seen the acronym, "IYKYK"? It stands for "If You Know, You Know."

Well, others who have been widowed, just... know.

Even though we are all different, and don't agree on everything, we get:

• The Anniversaries

• The struggles (in-laws, what to do with their clothes, our children's pain, etc.)

• The dumb things people say to us

• The strange photo documentation of the journey (the mower we fixed, the hole we kicked in the wall, the beauty around us when we can see it)

All the things.

I have had a couple special people who have been safe, healing places for me- mostly because they are able to connect with their own pain and losses... that's why they can meet me in mine.

But no one gets it like those who have also been through the unimaginable and are also surviving, and even growing, in through this same suffering. They are those we can be broken with... together. Those who aren't afraid of the mess.

I highly recommend finding other widowed friends, through local support groups, through conferences, or even connections through mutual friends.

And now, you have this space HERE. Welcome, friend.

With you,

Rachel

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