Fearless Confession: Widowed & Rebuilding Your Identity

The Tragedy that Changes Everything: Death

For me, it all started the day Andre died. Now, that may seem laughably obvious, but it still feels absurd in a way when I write it.

It's still unbelievable to me, even six years later. It is for a lot of us, because it can seem like our very tangible, living, breathing husband, was just here. Then, he... wasn't.

It's not just a shock, it's a daily reality- a fact that you can't grasp (but have to, over and over). In fact, brain research shows that the more time overlap and life integration you have with someone, the longer it can take for new neural pathways ("knowing their absence") to be laid.

This means widows are grappling with trying to accept a new reality, and new life, on a cellular level... for a long time. We need grace, and the right support.

It is awful, horrific, and tragic... not just to us, but to our Lord who loves, grieves with, and comforts us.

But here's another vital truth of widowhood: There is so much HOPE ahead!

Without invalidating your loss, I assure you that the new life you have ahead can still be beautiful, the body and brain can recover, the broken heart can heal by God's grace, and there are so many possibilities ahead.

If you struggle to believe me, may this Word anchor you deeper:

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 17:13-14

We may be widows, but there is more to our identity than just that, and the Lord can lead us into it...

Identity in Widowhood: Who Am I?

Becoming a widow isn't just a marital status check box change. It involves an "identity crisis," of sorts; a transition process that is both legitimate and very painful.

When we marry, Genesis 2:24 says we are "united... and [we] become one flesh." It also says that when one spouse dies, the other is released from the earthly, lawful marriage (1 Corinthians 7:39).

While this doesn't dismiss or diminish the bond of love, it does give clarity as to why this is so hard! We were once "one flesh," united physically, emotionally, even spiritually... and have now come back to being just one as a widow.

It is an abrupt change, and we cannot take a break or find relief from it. It's a new, unwanted, identity. And it involves so much more than just the loss of our person. Here is a great visual of the other losses of widowhood created by the Modern Widows Club:

While there is one "loss of identity" bubble, I would argue that all of these losses include parts of our identity.

Add in the loneliness of lacking support from the primary person we would receive it from, and you have painted a picture of widowhood. Grief poet, Sara Rian, says it powerfully: "Where do we go to grieve when it's our safe place who died?"

We are not only trying to figure out who we are now, but to whom we intimately run to with these things. As Christians we have a miraculous answer for both of those questions:

Christ, and Christ in me.

He can go into every intimate and broken place with us as widows. Here are some truths and promises that can anchor us in our "identity crisis" and time of transition in widowhood:

1) The Lord Can Become Husband in Deeper Ways For You

• “For your Maker is your husband.” -Isaiah 54:5

• "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling." -Psalm 68:5

2) God Loves Widows, Calling for their Protection & Provision

• Deut. 10:18, James 1:27, 1 Timothy 5:3-16

3) The Lord gives you an Identity Beyond "Widow"

• Who you are in Christ spans the whole Bible. Here are a few identity-filled truths.

  
  

• Ruth, a widow, was called "a woman of khayil" (Ruth 3:11) This word doesn't just mean "noble character" or "virtuous," as it's often translated. It means a warrior. Valor. The same word is used in Judges 6:12 to tell Gideon he was a "mighty man of valor (khayil)."

You are not "just a widow." You are a seen, known, heard, loved, warrior bride of God, with a future ahead of you!

Find Your Companions in the Trenches

Have you ever seen the acronym, "IYKYK"? It stands for "If You Know, You Know." Well, others who have been widowed, just... know.

Even though we are all different, and don't agree on everything in the grief journey, we get:

• The anniversaries

• The daily struggles (many of them)

• The inconsiderate things people say

• The losses (remember the diagram above?)

And the truth is, just as the Lord says we can't do this life alone (not well, anyway!), we also can't widow well alone, either.

Although it can feel hard to find those who are safe and healing people for us in widowhood, they do exist! Those who are able to connect with and work to bring healing to their own pain and losses can meet others in theirs. They aren't afraid of the mess.

And here's the thing: if you find other widow sisters who love Jesus, and who want to fight for HOPE, healing, and finding purpose through their pain, their friendship can help you on the same trajectory!

This is why I created a community of such women. Rooted in faith, intentional about investing in their healing, and want to walk this widowhood thing for the glory of God. They believe deeper healing is possible, and that they can create a life that is beautiful again.

Beauty from ashes. Restoring the years the locust has eaten. Open to the possibilities of the good things that are now springing up... the goodness of the Lord right here in the land of the living.

If this describes you, or the kind of woman you want to be, I would like to extend a personal invitation to you to be part of our Christian Widow Community- The HOPE Stronghold. We are moving forward into peace, joy, and HOPE, together.

You don't need to do this alone anymore. Will you join us?

👉 www.HopeStronghold.com 👈

With you on the journey,

Rachel

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