Feeling Alone in Widowhood? Here's the Grief Companion You're Looking For...

The Ache of Being Alone in Your Loss

Loneliness is one of the primary named struggles of widowhood. And that is significant loneliness... Considering it is an epidemic in our common human experience before being widowed.

When your husband dies, you lose your partner in the areas that are most important, and the person with whom you spend most of your time. This can mean your home life, family, intimacy, travel, adventures, hobbies, sports, even your sleeping and other areas of life have all now become empty and void of their presence.

Additionally, grief adds another layer to loneliness, because people often pull away from those navigating painful loss, or fail to come alongside sufferers well.

Let's be honest and full of grace, as there are many reasons for this:

• Most people (including us) don't know exactly what to say or do when faced with tragedy

• It's easier to hide and pull away then show up for grievers

• People already feel overwhelmed with life

• Suffering, and facing it honestly, scares people

• Most would rather avoid or cling to positivity and quick fixes than experience the discomfort of sitting in the ashes with someone who’s broken/hurting

But isn't it ironic that we have each felt so alone in times of our own darkness, and yet we also avoid truly coming alongside people in theirs?

My beloved Christian widow sister: You aren't spiritually immature or a hopeless cause if you aren't polished, positive, and back to smiling. You don't have to fake it or clean yourself up to be accepted.

And he fact is, you need people in grief who will companion you well. Let's touch on what that means, and how to identify the characteristics.

Companioning in Grief Is the Way Forward

We know what it feels like when someone tries to “fix” our grief, make our loss smaller or tells us to live like it's not there. But what does it look and feel like to experience a different, healthy and powerful way for someone to come alongside us?

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a leading voice in grief education, teaches something I believe every widow needs to understand as she finds and chooses those who can enter deeper into widowhood with her:

Companioning is a sacred way of walking with someone in sorrow—not trying to change, push or fix them, but simply to be with them in a way that is truly connecting and helpful.

People need more than a message of hope to get out of the depths. They need us to embody it with them there.

This is what widows are often aching for, when the person they would go to for support is the one who died.

Not advice or platitudes. But like Jesus; loving presence in our pain.

Because when we feel seen, known, and our struggle is validated, we are often more open to stop defending our grief, cling to it, and can have forward movement in the journey with that safe person.

What to Look For in a Grief Companion

If you're walking through grief—here are 4 characteristics of an empathetic grief companion, drawn from Dr. Wolfelt’s Companioning Model. While no one will be perfect, consider these traits green flags in considering who to open up to/go deeper with on your journey of grief:

1. Presence Over Fixing

• They don't try to solve your grief or push you out of it

• They speak the Word over and to you, but they don't quote Scripture to bypass your pain

• They can just be with you, even in silence or with a hug

2. Understanding that the Griever Is the Expert

• They don't try to push or drag you to a different place, especially without mourning with you

• They respect your need to honor your person and your story

• They don't only give you advice/tell you what to do

• They are able to come alongside because they can experience their own grief in authentic and healthy ways

3. Bear Witness Without Judgment

• They can come alongside the mess without guilting, shaming, minimizing or invalidating your journey

4. Look for Genuineness and Warmth

• The relationship feels safe, and the connection has genuine empathy (trust your gut)

• They are honest and authentic, and build trust over time

PS- Here's a bonus video including more on the topic of today's blog and Dr. Wolfelt's expertise:

Watch: Stuck in Grief—Here’s What Most People Get Wrong

Keep Your Healing Heart Open

I call these types of grief companions as "the faithful few," because they are often rare gems. You cannot expect these behaviors- most people don't "get it" and their own limitations keep them from being this for you.

But don't give up praying for and seeking these treasured friends. They may come out of the woodwork where you least expect them.

You may find them in a grief or support group, another church or church group, through a widow's event, or even through someone else you know. Please stay open to finding a faithful friend, rather than closing off, isolating or giving up.

Also, when (not if) people fail you, and you them, remember the grace that covers all, and remain rooted in the Love of Him who walks alongside you as the perfect faithful grief companion.

This is a holy journey: keep your heart and eyes open to how the Lord meets you through faithful people, lots of random people and acts, and most of all through His Holy Spirit in you.

And as we have opportunity, may we be brave enough to offer the same companionship we so badly needed ourselves.

With you,

Rachel

💛Ready for a Widowhood Grief Companion and Guide?💛

If your heart is longing for safe, faith-filled connection and support in your grief—that still has forward movement—you have found your Coach!

You can heal, grow and rebuild a life you love again. And, you don’t have to do this alone anymore.

Learn more about Coaching with me HERE.

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