How to Handle Hurtful Comments In Grief

Salt In A Wound: Hurtful Words After Loss

I remember the words of a friend on my doorstep, mere days after my husband died by suicide.

“You need to be strong, Rachel," she said with a firm nod.

I stood there in silence, shocked, and quickly felt the sting; she could not grasp what I was going through. It was meant as encouragement, but it felt like pressure—like I was expected to carry my grief without breaking—and I was already shattered in a million pieces as I stood there.

In my years of being a Christian suicide widow, and in connecting with hundreds of other grievers who have had salty words spoken into their bleeding hearts, I know these comments come in many forms:

"YOU SHOULD..." [do this/that, stop this/that or feeling xyz]

"AT LEAST..." [you're young, he's in a better place/not suffering, etc.]

"I KNOW..." [how you feel, or inserts how their pain compares/is worse]

Or numerous other commentary, like:

"Are you still so sad? You need joy, today."

"Everything happens for a reason."

"God is in control."

Each phrase hits differently, but all of them can leave us feeling unseen, misunderstood, alone, or even guilty for the way we're grieving.

If you’ve ever felt the sting of hurtful words after loss, walked away from a conversation with a lump in your throat, replayed the words over and over, wondered how someone could be so dismissive —you’re not alone.

But what if I told you that their words have nothing to do with you, or the situation they are speaking into? Not that they don't still hurt, but they can hurt less, and you can guard your peace.

This is not going to be your typical grievers blog to plant a flag on the mound of "Can you believe the dumb comments, they suck, no one gets it."

Let's heal these wounds, prepare to be unoffendable, and be transformed.

The Real Problem: Absorbing Their Statements

What if, instead of taking their words personally, we saw them for what they really are:

➡️A reflection of their worldview, not a judgment of us/ours (even if they intend judgement).⬅️

Before you roll your eyes and click away, hear me out: I am not invalidating your pain or the impact words can have. But as a Life Coach, the work I do is empowerment based in love and belief... In this example, to grieve and heal in a way that you aren't tossed about by the commentary of other people.

You have decision-making (control) over the impact you let their words have, how painful it is, whether you stew in it... or whether you are at peace. Unoffendable. Do you know that is possible?

That is a position of healing, of peace, and of power (yes, you have a grounded voice there).

This is the transformative work. When you recognize that their words are about them—their struggles, their fears, their avoidance, their attempt to make themselves feel more comfortable in grief—you can detach.

You don’t have to carry the weight of their words. Instead, we recognize their response as a mirror of their own struggles, not a judgment of your healing.

• Some people rush to fix your grief because they feel helpless and uncomfortable with deep sorrow.

• Others offer clichés because they haven’t processed their own losses and don’t know what real support looks like.

• Some downplay pain because they fear what it would mean to truly sit with it—in you or most accurately, in themselves.

• Some want you to be happy again, and don't know how to help other than trying to push you in that direction.

• Most people (even those of us who have been through tragedy ourselves) don't have the perfect words or perfect timing (and let's face it, the needs of someone in loss may depend on that day's grief!)

Changing our beliefs gives us a perspective of grace and compassion for them (yes, the salt in the wound people!). That place of love, healing, and wisdom is the only place safe from the pain of offense. We are free from absorbing the offense- we don't have to take it on because we don't believe it means anything about us or our loss.

How do we do this, practically speaking?

Let That 💩 Go:

Beliefs, Boundaries & How to Respond to Hurtful Comments

Are you ready for Step 1 in how to handle the insensitive, dumb, and hurtful comments people say to those grieving loss? You already know it, now:

1) Change your beliefs- decide that their words are about them, not you

Because it's true. Because it sets you free from pain and bitterness and resentment. Because you have the power to see the way people bump into your pain from a higher perspective. Allow me to repeat what I said above, and let is soak deep:

When you recognize that their words are about them—their struggles, their fears, their avoidance, their attempt to make themselves feel more comfortable in grief—you can detach. You don’t have to carry the weight of their words. Instead, we recognize their response as a mirror of their own struggles, not a judgment of your healing.

It's not about you, friend, so don't take it on. Let that 💩 go.

2) Boundaries are a gift (not a punishment)

Boundaries are essential in grief—not as walls to keep people out, but as safeguards to protect our peace. A boundary is not about controlling others; it’s about deciding where we are going to live, and what we allow into our space. It's keeping ourselves in a place where we can honor God.

Boundaries start with acknowledging your feelings internally. By being honest about the sting you feel, being misunderstood or the minimization of your painful experience, you have the awareness you need to make a change- a boundary for yourself and your healing.

In this way, you can shape your healing journey rather than being controlled by the responses of other people.

In grief, boundaries related to people's commentary may look like:

• Not sharing the deeper parts of grief with those who bring more pain by their responses

• Choosing a few empathetic companions who help you heal and grow

• Lessening contact with those who intentionally bring you harm

• Limiting negative, judgmental, and shaming feedback you receive about your grief journey

Lastly,

3) Responding to hurtful or insensitive comments

When you receive one, start with a deep breath and remember # 1 above. ☝️

Ask God for discernment and guidance.

Now you're ready. 😅

Here are some simple but firm responses:

1. “I know you mean well, but that actually makes this harder for me.”

2. "Sometimes positivity is actually hurtful. Connecting with my pain is much more helpful."

3. "I feel how I feel. This is grief."

4. "I get to decide that." (When it comes to your own feelings, grieving, and decisions)

5. Educate when appropriate/desired- "Grief doesn’t have a timeline," "Healing doesn't mean forgetting, " "In the suicide community we prefer 'died by suicide' instead of 'committed suicide' or 'killed himself' "

6. No reply at all- if they aren't open to receiving or changing, it might not be worth your effort and it's definitely not worth losing your peace.

Healing with Boundaries and Grace

Ultimately, your grief journey belongs to you and God—not to the expectations of others.

The next time someone makes an insensitive or hurtful comment about your grief, remember: It’s not a reflection of your healing—it’s a reflection of their understanding of loss, and/or their limitations. It's not about you; only your response is.

By choosing grace over offense, setting healthy boundaries, and using the power of your own voice, you reclaim your peace, healing, and hope.

With you,

Rachel

P.S. Are you ready to get unstuck from your pain and grief, with individualized 1:1 support? If you are interested in doing the deeper work of healing your heart, and being empowered to confidently rebuild a life you love, reach out to me for a Coaching consult. ❤️

Connect@hopespeaker.com

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