Lies Widows Believe: "No One Else Will Want Me"

Here’s some raw dialog that I’ve heard many times—in my own head and from many of my widow sisters who desire to marry again someday:

"I'm too old/ugly/broken/unstable now... No one will want me anymore."

Every human has lie-based beliefs to battle. Widows are no exception.

After a bomb has gone off in your world, your life, your children, and even in your brain—everything feels messy. You're overwhelmed with the fog of grief, losses upon losses, and the burden of keeping it all afloat. You may see your life (and perhaps yourself) in shambles.

You feel broken. Inadequate. Perhaps even ruined.

You judge yourself as "too much." Too unstable. Not good enough. Not healed enough yet. And that belief—that no one else will want you—"protects" you from further hurt by cutting off hope at the root.

The problem is that these lies, and our fear of rejection and disappointment, shape how we feel about ourselves. And how we feel drives what we do (or don’t do).

We stop dreaming.

We shrink back from connection.

We stay stuck in the same patterns.

And ultimately, these lies/myths severely limit us in co-creating our own future with the Lord.

The Truth Will Set You Free

Let's get real. "No one else will want me" is a straight-up lie from the pit of hell.

How do I know?

First, because the One who knows you best says shame is a liar.

Also, I (and so many others) struggled with that lie, and then actually experienced the opposite. Many widow sisters with messy, complex stories have found deep, godly love and second-chapter (or even third-chapter!) marriages full of life.

We judge ourselves through the harshest lens—but the truth is a man of character, faith, and depth won't see us that way.

And what if a man looks at your grit, perseverance, bravery and faith- and does see you as your self-hating fears describe?

He’s not the kind of man you want.

Anyone who would catch a glimpse of the hard and run isn't the kind of man we desire, want or pray for.

So, if you wouldn’t even want someone who sees you the way you harshly see yourself... Why let those thoughts root your identity and influence your decisions in dating and remarriage in widowhood?

We may agree intellectually that how we treat ourselves and what we believe attracts others who are aligned with the same view. However, it takes a deeper resolve to actually change something: to change our thoughts of ourselves.

It is time to change your own mind, so you can live from a place of confidence, clarity, and empowerment.

We want to be the women and moms who are healthy, grounded, faith-filled, and whole, so we can choose men who are the same.

If your heart feels ready to believe again—even a little—here are some practical steps to help you shift your thinking and step toward healing and hope.

Shifting to Truth - Replace Lies, Limits, and Lack

1) Get Clear on the Lies and Limiting Beliefs

Get out paper and a pencil (I'm serious) and start by writing down the fears, the wounds, the statements that keep you stuck.

Don’t filter. Let it be raw, and what you have truly thought or said. While I have already given some examples, here are a few more :

• "No one would step in for my broken children and love them."

• "My husband abandoned me—everyone else will too." (I struggled with this as a suicide widow)

• "All the good ones are taken. I'm too late."

Bring it all into the light. Name it.

2) Challenge and Replace Every Single One

Now, tear down lies one by one.

Don't skip this with an eyeroll and intellectual assent. Each of the beliefs you wrote down are coming up for you from deep places, and will continue to unless you address them.

• Ask: Is this actually true? (NOT, "does this feel/seem really true to/for me?")

• Invite the Holy Spirit to speak. Literally ask Him:

  "Lord, I am believing [insert statement from #1]. Is this true? What do You want me to know?"

• Let Him speak. Don’t over-filter or rationalize. Just receive.

• Then write the new truth next to the lie.

PS- If Scripture comes to mind, anchor yourself in it and write it down. If not, ask the Lord directly as described.

Sister, let truth and HOPE begin to rewire your thinking.

3) Return to the Truths/Promises/Statements He Gives You

Remember, changing our mindset takes effort and perseverance (unfortunately it doesn't change itself). Revisit these routinely. Speak them over yourself and embrace them!

When the lies return, ask yourself:

• "Who would I be without this thought?"

• "How would I act if I truly believed what the Lord has given me instead?"

Let these truths shape your posture, presence, and decisions. Let them speak into your dating journey, how you carry yourself, and the kind of man you will welcome.

My Offer to You - New Thoughts, New Self 🤲

"...be transformed by the renewing of your mind." -Romans 12:2

As you walk this journey, here are some truths you may choose to adopt:

• I am valuable, worthy, and cherished as a daughter of the High King.

• Widowhood doesn’t disqualify me. The right man won’t be afraid of my story.

• I will not settle out of fear, loneliness, or scarcity.

• I am not desperate. I am divinely led.

• My children are a blessing, and the right man will see them as such.

• I will be a gift to his life, and the right man will receive me as such.

• I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I am open to what that looks like.

• I choose a posture of surrender. I trust God to author my next chapter.

Sister,

You are not unwanted.

You are not too much.

You are not too late.

You are deeply seen and deeply loved. And when you live from that place, it changes everything.

With you,

Rachel

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