A Widow's Guide to Dating Again: Navigating Love After Loss

The Questions Widows Ask...

If you've been a widow for a while, you've likely asked, heard or worried about these questions:

• "How do I know I'm ready to start dating again?"

• "Is there something I can do to prepare?"

• "How do I manage my kids in this?"

• "What if I still deeply love my late husband—am I betraying him?"

• "What about the guilt I sometimes feel?"

• "What about what everyone else is saying—that I'm moving on too fast, or wondering why I'm still alone...?"

It's a lot to navigate, and it's also deeply personal.

Having navigated widowhood, dating, and remarriage (and lots of questions) myself and with the widow clients I serve, I do have some helpful considerations, and an overarching truth that can bring peace to the unknowns.

Let's dive in.

Is There A "Right" Answer?

While there are Biblical standards and wise principles (and we'll get to them below), the most important answer I could ever give is this:

Seek the Lord and His direction, and grow your relationship with Him- that you can hear His response. You can then follow where He is leading with confidence.

If your heart genuinely desires God's guidance, is humble before Him, and desires His way above your own, you don’t need to live in fear. You can trust that He will lead you, sister! The Bible assures us that if we are His sheep, we know His voice (John 10:27). As His daughters, we can trust in His guidance and goodness.

That doesn’t mean rushing ahead with our own plans and just asking God to bless them. But it does mean that a heart that longs for His way doesn't live in lack or shame.

Wise counsel is also Biblically encouraged, but this is not the same as following opinions of others out of people pleasing or your own lack of certainty. Many widows receive opposing feedback, depending on who they ask (this is an area people have strong opinions, but often little to no experience behind it for our situation).

From a Holy Spirit led widow coach with some personal and professional experience, here are some helpful considerations that can guide you as you navigate the dating world as a widow.

Practical Considerations Before You Start Dating

• Do you truly desire another relationship? Are you considering dating because it is your heart's genuine desire, or because you feel like you "should" or it's "time"? Pressure (from the outside or internally) won't lead to a real love, care, or attachment to another person.

  
  

  On the other side of the pendulum, neither will an attempt to medicate loneliness or just get practical help by having a man around. There is nothing wrong with longing for a companion, but numbing our pain or "solving problems" through a relationship won't be an act of love, for either of you. If your heart feels ready and open to the journey (and work!) of another relationship - both being loved and loving someone else again - rejoice that the Lord knows and honors this desire. There is no shame in it!

• Are you ready for dating as a widow (emotionally and as a whole)? Here is a good little "test." Ask yourself: Can I picture holding another man's hand, kissing someone else, or being intimate with another person? Do you feel both openness and peace about this? If you say no to any of those, or if those ideas bring discomfort, guilt, or resistance, it may be a sign that you need more time for healing. If you still feel too connected to your late husband in that way, if intimate thoughts of someone else feel "icky," or if you don't have openness and peace... trust your intuition. You likely aren't ready to pursue that kind of relationship yet, and forging ahead won't yield good fruit. You can work on bringing healing and grace to those areas so you are open and able to love fully and peacefully.

• Is there a "right" or "wrong" time to start dating after losing a spouse? The timing of dating and remarriage after widowhood are not moral decisions. Moral (right and wrong, sin or not sin) choices exist in areas of dating and remarriage, such as keeping the marriage bed pure, for instance. Other times, we try to make decisions that are actually free will choices into "moral" ones, and cause ourselves more angst. Who and when you remarry are typically not in the moral category (barring someone/thing that is sinful being a centerpiece of the decision). Don’t create a burden of morality where God has given you grace. This area should be one filled with His abundance and expectation, not overshadowed with lack or fear.

• What about the opinions of others on dating in widowhood? No matter what you do, people will have (and often share their) opinions. Some will think you’re moving on too fast; others will wonder why you haven’t started dating yet. And the truth? This isn't their decision. Also, their opinions will change depending on their own experiences, perspectives and priorities. No one can be the Holy Spirit for you. That said, there are things you can do to prepare and walk through it well, with wise counsel from those you trust in this vulnerable time. Those who have walked with the Lord through widowhood dating and remarriage (and navigating their children, as well as blending families) can offer invaluable insight. Most importantly, lean into the Lord's voice!

• Am I betraying my late husband by dating again? Biblically speaking, marriage ends when a spouse passes away. That doesn’t mean love ends— love is eternal! But you are no longer bound to an earthly covenant of marriage. You are free to marry again if you choose to, and you are free to remain single. There is no betrayal in moving forward into a new relationship. But if you can feel that your heart is not ready, that is important to listen to. Processing the trauma of losing a spouse can take time for our physical brains to "catch-up" to the reality of what has happened.

  Take the time you need. And I encourage every widow to do so prayerfully.

LAST, but not least:

• Do I need to reach a certain level of healing before dating after widowhood? I love this one, because I wrestled with it so hard. Some of us can struggle with the idea that we need to be fully healed, "whole," or have all our trauma neatly wrapped... and then we'll be ready for a new relationship. I did years of weekly therapy, consumed books and podcasts, and attended support groups and conferences. I thought if I could "fix" myself enough, then I'd not just be ready- I'd finally be worthy. And there's where I caught myself (yet again) tying performance to worth. Yes, we should be aware of our struggles and do the hard heart work of healing (for God's glory, for our own well-being, and for a person we may love). But none of it changes our worth, or fixes the lies in our own minds that we are "too broken," or "no one would want me now/want all this/want me with my kids," etc. Coaching can offer significant help in this work.

  
  

  But again, your value to be worthy or lovable doesn't change, and you will feel so much peace living in the Lord's freedom from "standards and rules" to be a "good enough" Ruth to get a Boaz.

  
  

  Sister, you have never been "too broken" or "unworthy" to be loved again—not from day one of widowhood. So yes, always move toward healing, wisdom, and taking responsibility for your journey- to better love another person. And there is supportive wisdom and help to guide you in the journey (I can help if you are interested). But all must be rooted in grace, sister.

Trusting God in Your Dating Journey

If you take anything from this, let it be this:

The real answer to every question is looking to the Lord for His merciful guidance- knowing both that He is able to give it, and you as His daughter are able to receive it!

He is more than able to lead and guide you through every question, every doubt, every step forward (and yes, every mistake)! If you are walking in relationship with Him, He will make your path clear. You don’t have to live in fear—you can trust that He is leading you into good things.

So lean into Him. Deepen your love for God. Grow your confidence in hearing His voice. And know that, whatever your journey looks like, He is walking it with you.

With you,

Rachel

PS- If you want to go deeper in an experiential relationship with the Lord in your widowhood, and would like Biblically-based, Holy Spirit led guidance in how to deepen these (and navigate areas like dating, remarriage, and blending a family), see how I can guide you HERE.

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