Navigating Love After Loss: A Widow's Guide to Knowing When to Date Again

The Questions We All Ask

If you've been a widow for a while, you've likely asked them, heard them... or worried about them.

"When is it okay for a widow to start dating again? Is there a specific timeline for dating after widowhood? Is there a "right" time and a "wrong" time?

What if I still deeply love my late husband—does dating again betray him? And what about the guilt that sometimes creeps in?

Am I supposed to meet certain criteria, or reach a level of "healing" before stepping into another relationship? Who decides that? Who judges when it's too soon or too late?

What about what everyone else is saying—that I'm moving on too fast, or wondering why I'm still alone...? What do I do with all of this? How do I figure it out?"

These questions are deeply personal, and every widow will wrestle with them differently.

Having navigated widowhood, dating, and remarriage (and these questions) myself, I do have some helpful considerations, and an overarching truth that can bring peace to all the unknowns.

Let's dive in.

Finding the Right Answer?

Or, Finding the Right Answer For You?

While there are some helpful considerations and wise principles that can guide you in your decision (and we'll get to them below), the most important answer I could ever give is this:

Seek the Lord and His direction, and grow your confidence that you can hear His response. Then, follow where He leads you confidently.

If your heart is genuinely desiring God's guidance, humbling itself before Him, and desiring His way above your own, you don’t need to live in fear. You can trust that He will lead you. The Bible assures us that if we are His sheep, we know His voice (John 10:27). As His daughters, we can trust in His guidance and goodness.

That doesn’t mean rushing ahead with our own plans and just asking God to bless them. But it does mean that a heart that longs for His way doesn't live in fear.

And it also has nothing to do with the opinions of others. You could get feedback (including opposing feedback) if you tried to rely on surveying others. We can release the burden of people-pleasing and performance-based living, and trust in the One who knows us fully.

No, sister. Your life has never been about the opinions, ways, and thoughts of man, but of God's higher ways and thoughts... and He has good plans for you!

Now let's get to those specific questions we asked as we try to navigate all this!

Practical Considerations Before You Start Dating in Widowhood

• Do you truly desire another relationship? Are you considering dating because it is your heart's genuine desire, or because you feel like you "should" or it's "time"? Pressure (from the outside or internally) won't lead to a real love, care, or attachment to another person. On the other side of the pendulum, neither will an attempt to silence and medicate loneliness (I know it's so freaking lonely!). There is nothing wrong with longing for a companion, but acting to numb pain won't be an act of love, for either of you. If your heart feels ready and open to the journey (and work!) of another relationship - both being loved and loving someone else again - rejoice that the Lord knows and honors this desire. There is no shame in it!

• Are you ready for dating as a widow (emotionally and as a whole)? Here is a good little "test." Ask yourself: Can I picture holding another man's hand, kissing someone else, or being intimate with another person? Do you feel both openness and peace about this? If you say no to any of those, or if those ideas bring discomfort, guilt, or resistance, it may be a sign that you need more time for healing. If you still feel too connected to your late husband in that way, where thinking of someone else feels "icky," or for any other reason you don't have openness and peace... trust your gut. You likely aren't ready to pursue that kind of relationship yet, and forging ahead won't yield good fruit. You can work on bringing healing and grace to those areas so you are open and able to love fully.

• Is there a "right" or "wrong" time to start dating after losing a spouse? The timing of dating and remarriage after widowhood are not moral decisions. Moral (right and wrong, sin or not sin) choices exist in life, but sometimes we get stuck making decisions that are free will choices into "moral" ones, and cause ourselves more angst. Who and when you remarry are typically not in the moral category, barring someone/thing that is sinful being a centerpiece of the decision. Don’t create a burden of morality where God has given you grace. This area should be one filled with His abundance, not overshadowed with lack and fear.

• What about the opinions of others on dating in widowhood? No matter what you do, people will have (and often share their) opinions. Some will think you’re moving on too fast; others will wonder why you haven’t started dating yet. And the truth? This isn't their decision! Also, their opinions will change depending on their own experiences, perspectives and priorities (to put it graciously). At the end of the day, only God knows your heart, and only His ways and thoughts are the higher ones. Everyone else has no idea what you are walking through, and no one (even other widows who "get it," spiritual leaders, etc.) can be the Holy Spirit for you. They may give counsel (which can be good), but they are not a judge. So please, do yourself a favor and lean in to the Lord's voice.

• Am I betraying my late husband by dating again? Biblically speaking, marriage ends when a spouse passes away. Now that doesn’t mean love ends—love is eternal! But you are no longer bound to an earthly covenant of marriage. You are free to marry again if you choose to, and you are free to remain single if that is what brings you peace. There is no betrayal in moving forward into a new relationship if that is what God is leading you to do. But as we discussed previously, your heart may not be there yet, and that is ok, too. There are many things, in processing the trauma of losing a spouse, that even take our physical brains time to "catch-up" to the reality of what has happened. Take the time you need.

LAST, but not least (actually it's my favorite one to talk about):

• Do I need to reach a certain level of "healing" before dating after widowhood? I love this one, because I wrestled with it so hard. Some of us can struggle with the idea that we need to be fully healed, "whole," or have all our trauma neatly wrapped... and then we'll be ready for a new relationship. I did years of weekly therapy, consumed books and podcasts, and attended support groups and conferences. I thought if I could "fix" myself enough, then I'd not just be ready- I'd finally be worthy. And there's where I caught myself (yet again) tying performance to worth. Yes, we should be aware of our struggles and do the hard heart work of healing. But I felt so much peace when the Lord freed me from any "standards and rules" I tried to come up with. He showed me I was never "too broken" or "unworthy" to be loved again—not from day one of widowhood.

  
  

  "So let's not make it about that," He told me. Living in the freedom of grace always produces better fruit than tilling the soil of performance. The Lord also gently reminded me of this truth (this time, from the outside looking in) when a friend who was widowed a second time remarried very quickly (as she had after her first spouse passed). By His mercy, the first time I had a tendency toward the thought, "She sure gets out of widowhood fast, I wonder if she's worked through her stuff..." He told me (through the surprising ways He can!) that she was a person who actually was built for relationship in a specific and rare way... This was a need of hers in a different way than I understood it, and it was A-OK. Blessings on her, all the way through! So yes, always move toward healing, wisdom, and taking responsibility for your journey- to better love another person. But make no mistake; there are no "healing" levels, criteria, or requirements in dating... any more than there was the first time you married. Grace, sister.

To Summarize the Heart of It All:

Trusting God to Lead Your Dating Journey

If you take anything from this, let it be this:

The real answer to every question is looking to the Lord for His merciful guidance- trusting both that He is able to give it, and you as His daughter are able to receive it!

He is more than able to lead and guide you through every question, every doubt, every step forward (and yes, every mistake)! If you are walking in relationship with Him, He will make your path clear. You don’t have to live in fear—you can trust that He is leading you into good things.

So lean into Him. Deepen your love for God. Grow your confidence in hearing His voice. And know that, whatever your journey looks like, He is walking it with you.

With you,

Rachel

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