Safe, Healing Churches DO Exist: Finding Redemption After Spiritual Abuse

Have you ever been in a church where the Bible was taught "rightly," but the arrows of its distorted form continued to be sunk into your heart?

Arrows that tell you:

• You are too messy, too broken, too extreme.

• You are a problem, and don't belong with us.

• You are disqualified and ineffective.

• You can't say "No" or have boundaries- you don't even know what they are.

• You are out of place as a woman, are unsubmissive, and are too loud.

Despite having experiences receiving these messages ongoing, it took a long time to sink in that being accused, shamed, and made to be the one in the "wrong," in my attempts to understand or have a voice... wasn't something I could fix.

I had loved my church—served in it, trusted leaders, gave my time, my money, and my heart. But somewhere along the way, the gospel I’d heard preached became unrecognizable in the way I was treated. Shame replaced grace. Silence was rewarded more than truth. And my voice? It became a liability.

All under the banner of the Bible.

So I left. I needed to. Maybe you did, too.

Not because you gave up on God. But because the place that claimed to represent Him didn’t look anything like Him, and you weren't safe in its grip.

But I want to gently challenge the belief that every church is the same.

Because the truth is:

Safe, healing churches DO exist, my friend.

For me, leaving that church was led by the Spirit and confirmed with wise counsel. And He directed me in my search, through the desert of widowhood and the COVID pandemic, to a safer, healthier church.

Your pain is real. But your pain is not the whole story. There is more for you. There is HOPE for you. And there are churches where healing is not only possible—it’s actively pursued.

The Cost When the Church Doesn’t Look Like Christ

Spiritual abuse and manipulation leave deep wounds... lies about who you are, fundamentally, as God's child and the nature of your relationship with Him. It is a deep betrayal, where the very character of God is distorted through the people that are meant to reflect Him.

Maybe you were silenced, gaslit, or shamed for asking questions or following your convictions. Perhaps you were seen as rebellious when you set boundaries, or labeled "difficult" for noticing and naming spiritual manipulation or gender-based oppression.

When those who hold power in the church misuse it, the fallout is devastating. Especially when it’s swept under the rug, spiritualized with half-truths, or when your character is called into question to protect theirs.

And here’s the thing: It’s not just you. This kind of harm happens far too often.

And when leaders fail to acknowledge it, the Body of Christ suffers, and God grieves. The gospel is not displayed- inside the Church, or to the world.

The longing for a place of real safety and actual freedom in Christ is not rebellion, it’s discernment. And while it's a normal survival instinct to pull away from deep pain (and stepping away may be necessary for healing), staying in isolation need not be the end of your story.

There are churches that are safe and reflect the heart of Jesus.

Let’s talk about what they look like—and how to begin healing.

What Safe, Healthy Churches Look Like

You don’t need a perfect church. (Spoiler: there are none.)

But you do need a healthy one.

Here’s a few characteristics of them:

1. They Are Honest and Repentant

They don’t excuse spiritual abuse, manipulation or mistreatment—from anyone. They name failures, repent on behalf of them, and mourn harm done. Safe churches don’t protect systems, roles or authority—they protect God's people. Especially the most vulnerable.

2. They Empower All Believers to Hear God for Themselves

These churches honor the power of the Holy Spirit in every child of God. They believe He speaks, convicts, comforts, and leads—not just pastors, but all people equally. They want you to listen to Him, not just rely on their voice.

In fact, they teach (and trust themselves) God's freedom and ability to lead His own people. That is the default (not tight, fear-based management).

3. They Treat Women as Co-Heirs and Co-Laborers

They welcome women to speak, lead, teach, pray, and prophesy. Not just in "women’s ministry" (nor requiring men sitting in to "oversee" women's ministry leadership meetings!🚩), but in Kingdom ministry.

You’ll see it in how (or whether) they listen to, learn from, and support women. They create space for their full spiritual giftings to bless the church.

Here's what I've learned:

Whatever the views on women's roles taught as "Biblically correct" from the pulpit, the women will come to know the true position experientially. Especially if your word comes up in contrast with a man's or in marital struggles. If the resulting response does not match up with the words and life of Jesus, it's off.

4. They Don’t Equate Control with Holiness

Perfection is not their brand. Instead of focusing on hierarchy, authority, and rules—they focus on love, grace and freedom in Christ (the things that actually change hearts). Leadership walks in humility, not control. Look around:

Who makes up the church? Are the messy, broken, and misfits among you? Or is everyone near perfectly "put together" according to internal expectations? What are the "qualifications" to participate in offering your giftings- who is "in" and who is "out"?

Are they open to change or growth, or is "this just the way we do things" (end of discussion)? Is authority and obedience in marriage, family and the church held in a white-knuckle grip?

This is not to say there is no order and there are no standards whatsoever. But behavioral compliance and made up expectations shouldn't be the goal or the focus of a truly gospel-centered church.

5. They Are Transparent and Accountable

Healthy churches don’t hide behind authority structures or spiritual jargon. They also don't avoid hard conversations with the actual people involved, or try to cover up wrongs. They create systems of shared leadership, financial transparency, and external accountability.

You’ll know the difference because it will feel safe enough to ask questions. Are you, sister, allowed to question a pastor, and how do they respond? Have you brought a concern, only to be the one wrong/apologizing at the end?

Also consider, if someone names harm within or from the church, what is the response/how is it handled?

If you’re wondering how to even begin trusting again, know this: healing isn’t a straight line. But every step matters. And it’s okay if this next step is small.

How to Start Your Journey Toward Healing

1. Give Yourself Permission for Healing to be a Process

For some, entering a church results in a physical trauma response, due to their past wounding. It is very real, and very devastating.

You can start with therapy, journaling, or online support. God does not spiritually minimize your trauma. He is patient, kind, and present.

2. Process the Pain With People Who “Get It”

You are not alone. Consider a support group or reading testimonies of others who’ve walked through spiritual abuse. There is something deeply healing about being believed and receiving empathy... especially when your wounding involves the opposite.

3. Research Churches That Reflect These Values

Look online. Read belief statements. Watch messages. Check for leadership transparency and doctrinal balance. Ask hard questions. Churches that are truly healthy will welcome them.

4. Visit Slowly—and Let the Holy Spirit Lead

You don’t have to jump in headfirst. Attend quietly. Listen. Watch. Pay attention to the tone, the power dynamics, and whether people seem free and alive—or burdened and controlled. God does not use loyalties and shame to bring people into a local body, or to pressure them to stay.

5. Don't Quit- Let God Surprise You With Redemption

The same God who met you in the wilderness can meet you in community. The very place that wounded you -the Church in general- may also become the place where He brings your greatest healing.

That's gospel redemption.

Recovery and Redemption Are Real

There was a powerful healing and reframing that happened in my heart and life when I found safety, support, and empowerment for women inside the body of Christ in a way I had never known before.

God gently led me to a group of believers who weren’t perfect, but were safe.

People who mourned my pain.

Leaders who didn’t see my voice as a problem, or need to control me.

A church that looked and felt like Jesus in some of the deepest ways.

A church that valued me and my broken family, and believed we had something to offer right where we were.

It changed everything.

You’re not crazy for wanting that. You’re not wrong for needing time. And you’re not alone in the process.

There is a place for you in the Body of Christ. Not just to attend—but to be known, healed, and strengthened in your walk with Christ.

Yes, safe and healing churches DO exist.

They are worth finding.

And yes, you are a needed part.

With you,

Rachel

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