Why Trying to Respond to Abuse the "Right Way" Keeps Christian Women in Bondage

"A Woman Should Be Silent..."

I remember trying very carefully to be “measured” whenever mentioning anything that had happened to me (if I mentioned it at all). After all, others knew them, too. I was supposed to speak "honorably"... even of what violated my safety.

I tried to be careful. Calm. Restrained. I wanted nothing to come out in anger—even though I was wounded, devastated, and spiritually disoriented. I wanted people to know I was credible. Trustworthy.

Why? Because I had already been accused of being the opposite, even as I navigated addiction, betrayal and abuse from others.

I had been told my emotions were "too extreme," my motives were repeatedly assumed to be wrong, and my character was questioned by these men in leadership to others in the church. Worse, I had been told to submit, that my boundaries were "sin"... and I felt completely trapped and hopeless.

Yet even after the worst of the worst happened, and I found myself a suicide widow, I still had deeply internalized the idea that the “right” way to respond to being mistreated—especially as a Christian woman—was quietly and without disruption.

So instead of truth, repentance and safety (things that should characterize the church), I didn't expose the depths of what was happening to anyone, but suffered in silence. Meanwhile, there were meetings and talk where they defended themselves- and discredited me.

Even years after, as I began to speak honestly and publicly, I was told it was "gossip," "divisive," and "ungracious."

The lies of how to handle what happened to me "rightly" as a Christian woman stole my voice (and part of my healing) for years. And if you’ve been wounded, minimized, or manipulated—especially in a spiritual context—I want to tell you this:

There is nothing holy about silence in the face of abuse.

There is nothing righteous about pretending it didn’t happen.

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This message isn’t easy to write (believe me, there have been repercussions). But it is wrong, and it is common, that women are often left carrying this burden and pressure. I know how many have experienced deep harm—and then were expected to handle it in a way that protects the abuser’s reputation, keeps the system intact, and doesn’t rock the boat.

But silencing survivors is not seeking unity.

Truth shares experience honestly, and seeks true change.

And, it's hard to heal what you're not allowed to name.

It's More Predictable Than You Think

As I've connected with growing numbers of women who have experienced abuse (in various forms) in faith spaces, I've found many commonalities and themes:

• You’ve been conditioned to believe you are/your reaction is the problem—not the original abuse/violation itself

• You second-guess your own experience, and you ignore your own intuition

• You have little to no confidence in the Spirit of God to speak to and lead you clearly: in having boundaries, or saying "No" as a woman... especially if your male authorities are saying something different

• Your desire is to honor God... and that desire is hijacked to keep you in a place God never called you to be, and enduring what He never called you to endure

• You go quiet; you try to “respond well”

• You try to forgive before you’ve even named honestly what happened to you

• What happened is hidden rather than confessed openly.

• You feel pressure to protect the image of the church, the leader, the mission—while no one has/is protecting you

• They may have meetings "for the sake of unity" / their own relationships, where they become the wounded one and the victim has the problems (DARVO acronym)

• There is rarely public investigation or communication to the whole church, and the victim does not has a voice in these spaces, either

• As a victim begins to speak out (commonly years after the abuse occurred) she finds increasing judgment, indifference and even contempt

I hear the question, "How could this happen?" when major wrongs in the Church have been publicly revealed.

Let’s be brutally honest about the answer:

In these systems, the abuser/violator is often surrounded by people with more power, more influence, and more loyalty than the victim. They may be well-known (by those who have intimately known them a long time) and are well-loved.

The fact that many will refuse to believe this person would do such a thing keeps them from being open to hearing the truth about the things that happened. And many are reluctant to press in, seek answers, or take a stand for anything. They just carry on in the community.

This is how it happens, and continues to happen.

The emotional toll is devastating. But worse, it’s often done in the name of God.

In spiritual abuse systems, as a woman, this is especially intense—because faith communities often confuse their silence with "spiritual maturity."

I will say it again:

That is not the heart of God. That is spiritual abuse. And it has to stop.

Sister, You Were Made to Be Bold- Not Voiceless

Here’s what you need to know today, if you’ve been abused, minimized, or gaslit:

God is not asking you to quietly carry the burden of abuse. He’s calling you into light, truth, and healing.

You are made in the image of God.

That means you carry His strength, His dignity, and His voice.

You are not the one responsible for protecting the reputation of the people who abused you, were complicit in abuse, or violated your trust.

God is your defender—and He is not silent about injustice.

Spiritual abuse, manipulation and silencing are sins.

Talking about it isn't.

If you’ve felt confused about what’s happening to you or how you’re “supposed” to respond, this is your permission to stop trying to do it the “right” way- when defined as being abused or manipulated in silence.

The right way is truth.

The right way is light.

The right way is naming the harm so it doesn’t continue for others.

And if the people around you can’t or won’t see that? That’s not your fault. Nor is it your burden.

Please note: I have still not named churches or names. I am not attacking; I do not have hate or unforgiveness. That is not what I am advocating for.

But, sister, God fights for you and supports the end of abuse and manipulation!

Don't Confuse the Position of God

May we not forget:

Jesus confronted corrupt religious leaders.

He exposed the injustice that harmed people in God’s name.

He defended the dignity of women.

He valued the truth-tellers, not the title-holders.

He did not stay silent in the name of "peace." He made holy disruption.

And He does not ask you to stay in darkness just to maintain someone else’s comfort.

So if you’re wondering, “What do I do with all of this?”—here’s where you start.

Your Next 4 Steps Toward Healing and Empowerment

1. Identify What’s Actually Happening

If you're unsure if what you’ve experienced is abuse, this may help:

If someone repeatedly manipulates / uses Scripture to control you, denies your reality, dismisses your pain, invades your physical or emotional boundaries, or uses their role/power to intimidate you—that is abuse.

• Spiritual abuse uses God or Scripture to control, harm and shame

• Emotional abuse includes manipulation, gaslighting, silent treatment, or constant criticism

• Verbal abuse includes yelling, name-calling, or threats

• Physical abuse includes any physical harm or intimidation

• Psychological abuse leaves you unsure of what’s real or afraid to speak

God does not call you to live in that. Anything that tries to convince you otherwise is not from Him—it’s a lie of the enemy.

2. Speak UP

You are not being “unbiblical” by telling the truth.

God gives you your voice. He invites you to speak.

The Holy Spirit dwells in you; You are empowered.

You are called to be an ambassador—not an appeaser.

Here's something crucial I've learned, the more stories I hear:

Speaking up isn’t just about you.

It’s about exposing darkness and protecting others.

You do not have to remain silent to be faithful or biblically feminine.

[Interested in more on this? Read my other blogs related to spiritual abuse and the role of women in the church.]

3. Find Support + A Way Out

Is there anyone in your life who feels safe? Someone who listens, believes you, and doesn't try to dismiss or downplay what happened?

Safe people don't pull away, they protect you.

They don’t try to control the narrative (especially when they don't know it).

They don’t label you "unforgiving," "ungracious," or refuse to talk with you.

They listen with compassion and love—and help you find a way out.

If you don’t have that person yet, don’t give up. Keep reaching. You were never meant to do this alone.

And if no one around you is safe—I will say this boldly: Get out anyway. You can. There is hope on the other side. Safe, amazing churches DO exist, and they are so redemptive and healing!

4. Know God’s Heart for You as a Woman

This is the most powerful, and most empowering, thing of all.

God’s heart for you is not submission to abuse.

God’s heart for you is not silence, shame, or fear.

His heart is safety. Truth. Empowerment. Healing. Restoration.

You can hear Him as clearly as men can.

You are not “too emotional.”

You are not wrong for wanting to be free. The truth sets you free.

He goes before you in battle and stands behind you in strength. You don’t have to be afraid anymore.

This is true because God loves and protects you as His daughter. Can you imagine the violation happening to your daughter? Can you connect with that heart?

That is the heart of your Father, for YOU.

Freedom

I remember the shift—the day I just told more of the truth.

It was scary. There were people who didn’t want to hear it. People who pulled away. But there were also those who leaned in. Those who believed me.

There were all the women who had been carrying their own untold stories, who finally felt seen.

It made me realize: When you break your silence, you’re not just healing yourself.

You’re lighting the way for others.

And isn’t that what Jesus did?

With you,

Rachel

❤️‍🩹 If this post spoke to your heart and you're looking for more hope and healing, reach out to me for a Coaching consult, or to get on the waitlist for our upcoming Hope Stronghold Membership Community! You don't have to do this alone.

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