Why the Church Should Empower Widows, Single Moms & Divorcees

My fellow widows, single moms and/or divorced friends know the weight. The burden. The loneliness. The fears.

The questions.

• Who am I without them?

• How do I do this all by myself?

• How am I going to provide?

• How can I meet my kids' needs?

• Can I fill in what is missing from their father... am I even supposed to?

• What is my purpose now?

• Is it even possible to do this well, with all the barriers?

• Do I even fit here now?

• Do I have anything to offer anymore?

So many fears, doubts, and insecurities about the place we find ourselves.

Meanwhile, the Biblical roles of men and women, fathers and mothers are preached from stage and fill marriage and parenting classes. If you are widowed, divorced, or are a single mom, you have probably ached under the teachings... that likely never even mention women like you.

You may experience pity, or avoidance, or something else, but it's hard for them to know what to do with the messiness... Especially when the mess is primarily what they see.

Where are the answers? Where is the community? The support? The empowerment?

How are we supposed to navigate life by ourselves? If our leaders and community do not see us as equal, capable, and qualified... How are we supposed to view ourselves that way? What do we do when people are more focused on their solutions/directives than hearing from us?

The Problem: Disempowered and Disadvantaged

Widows, single moms, and many divorced women are more likely than their married counterparts to struggle with poverty, marginalization, and discrimination. It can be financial/career opportunities, social relationships, struggles with their own faith and identity... or many other issues.

Within churches there can be even more confusion for us to find our place... adding to the burden.

It can be difficult to find support in some faith communities related to divorce, even in circumstances involving abuse. Worse, these women's experience can be silenced and they may even be excommunicated from the church if they draw boundaries that leadership didn't agree with. Sometimes this results in a tragic wake of wounding and even deconstruction of faith.

My friends who have found themselves divorced have often named a shift in how they are viewed and treated in their churches, which can lead to their leaving to find a more supportive place.

My experience as a new widow was also being treated as one who needed close "management" from male leaders. Trying to advocate for myself and make my own decisions was viewed as unsubmissive/uncooperative.

I was told I could be relieved by friends on a weekday night to sit at a coffee shop with my Bible, but not to participate in worship practice in the same time frame (that "privilege" and "overflow ministry" ended for me at the death of my husband). Later, under counsel to "run, not walk" away from this church, my ability to "make that kind of decision at this time" was even questioned.

In widowhood, when I was already wondering, "How do I do this life without my husband? How can I...?" The answer appeared very dismal. It seemed I wasn't capable of doing or knowing much for myself at all, and I had four children in my care.

It was a hopeless place to live in - believing I was severely lacking what was Biblically mandated in my life and family now (since my husband was dead), and looking at what I was experiencing in the church at that time as my new "covering."

Although women who are widowed, divorced, or are single parents most definitely have disadvantages, additional hardships come when they are seen and treated as those without authority or influence.

The result is:

• Women feel and stay stuck in being voiceless/powerless

• Their children also experience resulting limitations

• The Church and world miss out on what they have to offer

If we are taught that we are not sufficient, in and of ourselves as a woman, to have autonomy in our lives, to have capable leadership in our homes, and to have gifts and strengths to bring - how are we to walk those things out as we navigate life alone as a widow, single mom, or divorced woman?

In essence, if we are not taught that every person is empowered by the Holy Spirit, equipped and strengthened to walk out what He calls us to in this life, we set women up to fail even more so in every area they become disadvantaged.

The good news is that it does not have to be this way. God offers a beautiful reflection of the gospel, and His sufficiency, right here in the brokenness.

Why Empowerment is an Answer

God empowers widows, single moms, and divorced women - equipping them with authority and influence to lead their own lives and families. He remains the foundation for their identity and has plans to use them mightily in this world.

Let me also be clear. I am not saying it is better for a woman to be without a man, or that there are not differing, biblical roles for genders. I am also not attacking male leadership, nor promoting "self"/independence above the community of the church.

I am saying that we are often doing great damage with an extremely skewed view - where we have replaced the primary calling of men to love with the role to "lead," and the primary calling of women to love with the role to "submit." All sorts of dangerous and broken things happen.

Empowerment is a gift of God to every believer, and it is critical to understand how this plays out for women in faith, particularly. [See previous blog posts for more on these topics]

What happens when we empower these women, and point them to their authority in Christ?

• Their identity is rooted first in Christ, not in their relationship to another person(s)

• They have security that the Lord's presence with them has not changed

• They have confidence that the Lord will provide to and through them

• They can trust that the Lord will fill in the gaps of the absence of a man

• They feel seen, validated and equipped by a supportive community

• They do not lose their calling, gifts, or abilities

• They participate in the movement and purpose of the Kingdom, just as other disadvantaged women in the Bible were chosen to do

• They grow in hearing, knowing and trusting the voice of the Holy Spirit to lead them (this is the foundation for every believer and therefore, for the Church as well)

  
  

How Do We Empower? Here are 3 Ways

1) Consider Your Lens

What you believe is biblical, and your interpretation of the role and place of women, is the lens by which you will view the treatment of widows, single moms, and divorced women.

After sitting under leadership that I believed was doctrinally sound for over a decade, I unfortunately experienced the place to which some of the views lead... the dark corners where spiritual abuse and manipulation hid in (and what's more, the victim blaming/backlash for speaking about what happened).

If you are willing and open to digging a little deeper into the theology of the female role, I offer a few resources to listen to and read in this blog post.

What we believe will absolutely have tangible outcomes in how we interact with these women.

2) Affirm her God-Given Calling and Abilities

These women need safety and support - not just to struggle, but to grow. They need encouragement (verbally and tangibly) that the Lord is with them and is giving them the power they need to walk life out in faith.

Here are a few practical ideas:

• Include her in communication and decision-making the way you do everyone else

• Value her input and her contributions

• Treat her with respect as the head of her home

• Encourage the good and the growth in her life

• Support her goals

• Treat her as equal (not less-than)

• Listen to her voice more than you focus on telling "what to do"

• Ask her what support is most helpful (and believe her)

• Honor her boundaries

3) Get Behind What God is Doing - Let Him Lead

Last week I offered this definition for Christian empowerment:

• An active, faith-driven partnership with God that embraces the autonomy and responsibility He gives every human, to walk in His purposes and power

The foundation is that God Himself empowers every one of His children with the Holy Spirit. We each can speak to Him, hear from Him, and receive authority to live in faith, full of the Spirit.

It is the essence of every believer, of the church, and of the process of making disciples.

This is how we build up, in love, people who lead lives that reflect Jesus.

A Parting Blessing

To my widow sisters, my single moms, and my divorced friends: no one disqualifies you where God has qualified you. You are not too broken. You are not left behind or unusable in His Kingdom.

If you are struggling or have left the church completely, I encourage you to believe that there are safe places with people who will empower you. They do still exist.

With you, friend,

Rachel

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