Silent Wounds: Understanding Spiritual Manipulation in Marriage & Church

"We decide who is up there, and we've already told you that you're no longer leading worship. Are you trying to push just to be up on stage?" my pastor asked, rather flatly.

"I don't know what the exact time frame is or what it all looks like," I replied, aware that I was getting flushed in embarrassment at the false accusation, "But I know that God has called me into worship leading. I know the Holy Spirit wants to use me there."

"So you're going to use the 'God card'? We have to let you lead worship because 'God says so?'"

It was so backwards, convoluted, and just wrong. The assumption of my attempt to manipulate God Himself for my selfish gain seemed to hang there... perhaps my shock would not allow it in. But with a rush, it sank like a knife deep in my heart.

I don't remember much else of the brief words that may have been exchanged upon my leave, but I remember feeling the color drain from me and the feeling of humiliation settle into the pit of my soul. I felt so incredibly misjudged, and small... I just wanted to hide.

My very own pastor, who preached the Bible and its truths, who emphasized sound doctrine and things like love, whom I had lived life with for years, said this to me. The pastor who showed up the day it was announced to me that my husband was dead by suicide... this shepherd over my soul, shamed me spiritually in a way I had never before experienced.

In my deep grief of widowhood, being on a stage for my own interest was the farthest thing from my mind. Worship was how I lived, breathed, and did warfare. And I felt so moved by the Spirit to share it. How was I being treated this way for trying to live out the faith that was preached every Sunday? I couldn't understand what was happening.

This conversation was a few months after being widowed. Amongst the many changes I had to navigate, I hadn't anticipated this one. The church was becoming anything but "home" or "family," and in the most broken time of my life, I received some of the hardest blows from the body of Christ.

Repeated meetings with church leadership to find answers or resolution did not work. Not even when I tried involving a counselor (who also did not feel her input was heard or respected as a woman) and a few others in the church to try to help me navigate the confusion. These couple of pastors had made up their minds; they were going to do things their way.

I remember crying and asking why they did not protect me when my husband became abusive. I asked why they ignored my pleas for help as he declined mentally. Most relevant of all, I asked why my life had been under a microscope after he died by suicide, and why I was being treated like a wolf among the sheep when I, too, was the church?

Even when these other supporters attended with me and also asked on my behalf, no legitimate reasons or answers were given, including for why I was removed from worship leading in the first place (though it gave me life in a dark time) or when I may be allowed to return. The reasons that were given were illogical, contradictory or even unbiblical, but as with everything else, they only became more adamant if I tried to ask questions or press further.

This knife-in-the-heart conversation with a pastor had been another one of my attempts to find peace, to share my heart with leadership and understand what was happening. However, it was a mistake to keep trying... and I eventually learned it.

How Does Someone Get To That Point?

For over a decade I thought spiritual abuse was normal, because I never recognized it. This is so, terribly, common.

It was much easier to be reminded of my place as a wife and woman in the church and fall in line. I was determined to be a "godly woman." There were things I struggled with, but I always told myself to swallow my pride, lay down my life, and to be "gentle and quiet" as a woman... every time.

Even when:

• The 0% divorce rate was announced proudly from stage... while myself and others in broken (some abusive at the time) marriages sat under its banner

• The few times I dared to try to address a problem/inconsistency with the leadership, I walked away corrected and being the one wrong/who apologized

• I was repeatedly told I never had grounds for any boundaries, even when my husband's addiction escalated to illegal behaviors

• I was told I was reacting "extreme" when I expressed despair at not being able to get out of that which was destroying me

• I was abused and I reached out to men in "authority" for help; who complied with my husband's desire to know I had, and I was punished (which they were aware of because I shared it)

• I was told to submit by pastors and called a "feminist" by my late husband more times than I could count while simultaneously never being allowed boundaries or to have limits as a human being

During and after my late husband's decline and sickness, however, I became more empowered by the Lord Himself to have a voice and authority for myself- that I previously thought I needed permission from male leaders to have.

It became apparent to me that I was viewed as either out of control, or no longer seen as having the character to lead/participate, and I lost belonging where I had once performed as a leader, a wife, and a "good Christian."

I finally realized something was deeply wrong; I was not safe, and I would not heal in that church. I would not be allowed the voice they did not believe I had. I would never be able to be the woman of faith the Lord was calling me to be where I had no freedom or empowerment to do so. So I left, and even my competency to make that decision was questioned.

Spiritual abuse can begin in a whisper—a subtle suggestion that our worth is somehow tied to our silence, our compliance, our diminishment. Sometimes, it breathes so softly you almost miss its suffocating presence. But often, it will grow into a roar if resisted.

I've shared how it happened to me in my story. Now let's look at the objective realities.

What is Spiritual Abuse?

Spiritual abuse is a profound violation of trust that uses religious beliefs, scriptures, or spiritual authority to control, manipulate, or harm another person. It's a betrayal that cuts deeper than physical wounds because it attacks the very core of one's spiritual identity and sense of self-worth... namely, one's connection and relationship with God.

This form of abuse can occur in various settings—marriages, churches, religious communities—when spiritual authority is weaponized instead of used for genuine care and support. It's characterized by:

• Systematic undermining of personal boundaries

• Using religious texts or beliefs to justify control

• Invalidating personal experiences and limits

• Creating a culture of shame and silence to maintain belonging

Red Flags of Spiritual and Emotional Manipulation

In Marriage

Watch for these warning signs:

• Your partner uses biblical passages to demand unquestioning obedience

• Your spiritual (or other) concerns are consistently dismissed or minimized

• Your personal thoughts or intuition are not valid

• Your partner uses prayer or spiritual language to avoid accountability

• Your individual identity is consistently subjugated to a narrow interpretation of "godly" behavior

In Church Environment

Manipulation can look like:

• Leadership that discourages questioning or critical thinking

• Spiritual counsel that consistently blames the victim

• Isolation from supportive networks, and not referring to counseling outside the church

• Silencing mechanisms disguised as "maintaining unity" and "honoring God-given authority"

• Spiritual leaders who refuse open accountability or owning major failures publicly (and rather hide them)

Pathways to Healing and Empowerment

Healing begins with recognizing your inherent worth, given to you by God who loves you deeply. You are not defined by anyone other than Him, and a believer's relationship with God, hearing from Holy Spirit is the grass roots of the church. Our relationship with Him is where it all begins, so the fear and distrust of it is a red flag.

Here are a few things to consider:

1. Church should be a place where you feel safe (body, mind, soul)

2. Seek professional counseling, particularly with someone understanding religious trauma

3. Choose a supportive community that supports and respects your voice

4. Setting clear, healthy boundaries to be safe and sane is Biblical

5. You don't need to defend or justify your motivations to those who misjudge them

   
   

Remember: Using spirituality as a weapon against you is not a reflection of Christ, or his body.

You Are Not Alone

To every woman reading this who feels silenced, invalidated, or trapped, I want you to know: Your pain is real, your experience matters, and your voice has been given you by God. The ways He empowers you to walk in faith and share Jesus with the world, no one can take from you.

Spiritual abuse thrives in silence, under a mask of "godliness," to maintain the relational/community connection. But you are not expected to be superhuman to be the church. And God is not inviting people to join a dysfunctional family where spiritual abuse is acceptable, and no one can talk about it out loud to others.

He longs that all would come to Him, be loved by Him, and know that love for ourselves- that we might love others with the same love.

With you,

Rachel

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