Support for Widowed Moms: Helping Your Children Grieve When You're Hurting Too

I remember sitting on the floor in a tiny room outside of a small counseling office, flustered and exhausted, trying to keep 3 of my children quiet while the 4th had a therapy session on the other side of the door. I had just picked them all up from school, and we had another therapy session for another child after the one we were all at.

I was trying so hard to get everyone what they needed after their Daddy/ Uncle Daddy, had died by suicide.

But it would be some time before I realized that the burdened and compacted lifestyle of constant hole-plugging (I was trying to keep the family "ship" afloat, alright?) was actually having negative effects.

I had thought that the impossible load was just how life was now. Me doing life alone, trying to carry all these children on my back... trying to keep everyone alive.

But that was just it. Survival mode can't be the new, forever normal. And it became glaringly obvious after my first attempt to end my own life in the wake of his death.

Widowhood isn’t just losing your spouse—it’s parenting in the aftermath of that loss as well. And it is so important that we keep wisdom and balance as we walk it out, recognizing that our own health is the foundation to it all in these discussions.

There's a lot of value in today's post. Let's dig in, sister!

Grieving as a Widow and a Mom

Let's be honest. It's tough when you're both the one who's lost and the one the little people around you look to.

Here are a few ways that it's messy:

• You’re in the thick of your own pain—yet still need to show up for your children and their needs.

• Your kids may express grief in ways that confuse or hurt you (acting out, shutting down, emotional regression) and your bandwidth already feels low.

• You feel guilty when you’re not “strong,” or when you miss signs of their grief.

• You fear that your grief might burden them… but hiding it doesn’t feel honest, either.

• You may wonder: How can I help them process their pain when I don’t know what to do with my own?

The burden isn’t just grief—it’s the pressure to guide someone else through it while feeling lost yourself.

While nothing erases the weight of this dual journey, there are lifelines that can help you support your children while tending to your own healing.

You Don’t Have to Choose Between Their Healing and Yours

In fact, you can't. Because you (your well-being) are the foundation to both.

It's just like the instruction before takeoff from the flight attendants: "Put your oxygen mask on first, then assist your children to put on theirs."

I mean, I'm a Nurse! I should have known better, right?! But everything in me defaulted to becoming a sacrifice on their behalf, which seemed loving... until there was nothing left of me.

And at the end of me, there was no helping them.

So, in this challenging dynamic, cover yourself and your children with grace, and keep in mind:

• Healing is not either them or you. It’s both/and.

• While very hard to accept: Widowed Mama, your healing must come first. This is how you give them the best (safety, emotional stability, and spiritually availability, etc.).

• If you ignore your own pain, your children will inevitably feel the weight of it/its consequences—even if they can’t name it.

• You set the emotional tone of the home. If you’re shut down, maxed out, or constantly running on empty, it’s not sustainable—for you or them.

• Show them what faith-filled healing looks like (let your honesty open doors for theirs).

You can’t pour from an empty cup—but when your cup is being refilled by God’s grace, your children get to drink from it, too. You don’t need to have it all figured out—you just need to be willing to take steps with Holy Spirit.

Now let’s look at some practical, research-based, age-appropriate ways to care for your child’s grief—and your own.

How to Support You, & Your Grieving Child (at Every Stage)

1. Invest in Support for Yourself First

• You cannot walk your child through grief well if you’re buried under it.

• Whether it’s therapy, support groups, coaching, self-help books, or other options—your healing is foundational to theirs.

• I always remind people that they are worth whatever resources needed (time, money, effort, resources) to stay alive, to heal, and to rebuild. Believe it!

• If you are providing support to children but it all feels overwhelming (like my story at the start of this blog), check in with Holy Spirit for guidance about saying "no." Support shouldn't be running you into the ground.

Remember, your kids don’t need a perfect mom. They need a healing one who invites them to heal too.

2. Communicate Openly and Age-Appropriately

When my husband passed by suicide, there were people very close to me who told me I shouldn't share how he passed with my kids.

While I believe the decision belongs to each widow, I am grateful that I didn't choose out of fear. My gut told me that honesty was important for trust in this grief journey with my children, and I knew if they didn't hear it from me, they would eventually... from someone else. Later, the input from a children's grief specialist affirmed my decision.

But how do we have these hard conversations with our kids (suicide or not)? Here's a couple tips:

• Keep the conversation door open. They may not want to go deep when you plan to. They may also bring it up out of the blue. Be ready and open when they are.

• Avoid vague language with young children such as “he went to sleep”—they often have black-and-white thinking, and may interpret this literally. I told my children, "Daddy died by suicide. He did something to his body that caused him to die."

• Be ready to revisit and repeat. Grief matures as your child does, so they may revisit the death over time with new questions or emotions. You may be surprised at how much you will need to repeat (they are in a fog, too).

• Not every question they have needs an answer right now, if not age appropriate. While I want the door to communication open, I have also not gone into horrific details with young ones, even when they have asked for specifics. But I do let them know we will return to it and talk together when they are older.

3. Understand What Grief Looks Like at Different Ages

This chart give some helpful insight into grief at different childhood stages:

Age Range	Common Grief Behaviors
Ages 3–5	Regressed behavior, confusion about death permanence, clinginess, magical thinking
Ages 6–9	Fears of abandonment, somatic (bodily) symptoms, acting out, constant questions
Ages 10–13	Isolation, defiance, sadness, identity confusion
Teens	Withdrawal, anger at God or parent, rebellion, risky behavior, deep internalization

4. Create Structure and Stability

• Routine helps anchor children when everything else feels chaotic... and it can be regulating for us, too!

• Although it's a hard time and discipline of any kind may seem too harsh, remember: Boundaries still matter—structure is an act of love and safety for both of you.

5. Use Tools for Emotional Expression

• Art, journaling, grief books, music, talking, role play with dolls/stuffed animals, physical movement.

• If your child is struggling, investigate art therapy, play therapy, occupational therapy... There are many resources available that might fit just what they need.

• Create "grief rituals" they can turn to when missing Dad (light a candle, prayer time, memory box, etc.).

6. Model and Invite Honest Faith

• Let them see you be human, cry, and also lean on Jesus.

• Pray aloud when you’re hurting, and let them see you model running to the Lord in your need. “Jesus, we need You. We’re so sad. Please help us today.”

• Don’t default to spiritualizing grief by jumping over feelings/ the process and telling them why it's all ok. Instead, make space for their honest feelings, struggles, and questions about God.

  
  

In It Together

Widowed mothering isn't like anything else. And you know what? We're not only in the trenches together, but we are equipped and upheld by One who sees all, knows all, and is so eager to walk this with you.

Friend, you’re walking your kiddos through the valley of the shadow of death with courage. You are still here. Still showing up. Still loving them deeply. And that is everything.

With you,

Rachel

If you’re a widowed mom and feel hopeless, helpless or lonely... I am here to support you in healing and taking confident steps toward a brighter future. My 1:1 widow coaching is built for this sacred space. Book a free consult and let’s talk. You’re not alone in this.

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