Thanksgiving in Widowhood: Gratitude & Grief

From the Same Soil...

When you lose your husband, there is no escaping the giant hole that is left in their absence. It is something we continue to navigate year after year. At the same time, the holidays roll in, mercilessly expecting "cheer" from you (along with some of the people around you).

At times we feel the incongruence (or the inability) to be joyful in the valley of grief we may be in. It is, in fact, important to be honest in widowhood about our struggles and pain (with safe grief companions) in order to remain authentic and to have the chance at a real journey forward.

Also, research has shown the power of gratitude in the brain to rewire paths for thankfulness. Gratitude has been shown to connect Relational Circuits in our brain to God and other people. And, we don't want to circle the drain of grief and get stuck in the dark places, because there IS a path forward into goodness.

The truth is, there must be room for both our grief and gratitude.

What if the goal was not to avoid any sadness and "just be thankful"? What if we also didn't have to be swallowed in the pain of our loss?

What if gratitude and grief were equally important pieces of the landscape growing in the soil of us... of our hearts? And both could be watered by our honest tears?

We can navigate Thanksgiving's grief and gratitude with authenticity, and HOPE!

The Grief

My first Thanksgiving as a widow was full of grief. I do remember the grace of sharing time with people that I loved... However, I also needed to mourn.

As a very deep feeler, the weight of my late husband's death by suicide hit me incredibly hard. On Thanksgiving day, I went to the place where he died, though it was cold and lonely, and I grieved for him there. I wept for the man, the love, the life that I had lost.

Knees in the snow, shivering with cold, I spoke with God, raw and honest, about it all. And in my devastation, He met me.

Before I left, I was able to draw a heart in the snow where I knelt.

This year, I will walk through my 7th Thanksgiving without him. What I have learned is that grief cannot be completely controlled, but we can grieve, heal and rebuild with HOPE... and in this process, be equipped to handle other experiences of grief ahead of us.

When we are able to feel all of the feelings (anger, sadness, pain, shame, etc.) in safe places (with the Lord and a few others), we can actually begin to metabolize the pain that our bodies, minds, and souls are carrying.

This opens more space to see and receive the blessings we do have around us, with gratitude. It cannot happen, however, by simply attempting to bypass our grief in the name of "choosing joy."

The platitudes (in the name of faith or in general) can never change the heart or remove the grief.

The Danger of Limitless Grief

A word of caution I have for other deep feelers and authentic grievers of tragedy... Grief still needs limits.

The place my husband passed by suicide became a place of despair as I spent a lot of time and focus there. While it is important to walk the path of bereavement honestly, we do need to take steps when hopelessness begins to consume us.

Pain, suffering and death do not have the victory nor the final word, and the Bible says we are completely different from the world, in that we can truly "grieve with HOPE" (1 Thess. 4:13).

Here are a few Thanksgiving survival tips for grievers:

• You are not obligated to attend activities that aren't helpful, but don't isolate completely. Make a plan (for instance, RSVP "maybe") and keep it flexible for your needs.

• Spend the Holiday(s) with those who are safe, empathetic, and whom you truly feel supported by (don't fear asking them for connection time).

• Include life-giving and self-care activities in your schedule (some of mine were salt water floats, making music, time in nature and with friends).

• Have/make a list of the people you can reach out to if it's getting too dark (asking them ahead of time may help you both be more prepared in a time of need)

• Find a local grief, widow, or suicide support group with others who "get it" (Christian widows are my people!).

The Gratitude

Did you know the Lord led me to begin sending a family Thanksgiving card each year after my husband died? Though it wouldn't have been my idea of good timing, it ended up being a grace to me. Above is the back of our first one.

Why is gratitude a critical part of our life and experience, even in grief?

Focusing on what we are thankful for has been shown to reduce stress, anxiety, and positively impact our physical and mental health in a variety of other ways... and there's no doubt we need that in our experience of suffering.

It is also a way that we heal, find purpose, and keep from becoming myopic in our pain. Because grief isn't all that is left for us in the story the Lord is writing.

Gratitude can be a list of reasons to keep living, healing, or moving forward to the next step.

After my husband died, my children and I began a practice of thankfulness, where on the way to school, the five of us would each take a turn listing three new things we were thankful for. I did my best to keep it fun, and the fact is though some days it felt empty, on most it would set a lighter tone, and even bring smiles and laughter.

Even if gratitude feels like an internal battle, let me encourage you that it is worth fighting for!

My Hope for You, Sister

This Thanksgiving, may you be able to experience any grief and gratitude in an honest and healthy way. They are both part of the experiential journey. May you release those who do not understand, honor your own limits, and find ways to express both your pain and your joy.

They are both there. May they be tenderly held.

With you,

Rachel

P.S. If you are looking for safe, honest healing spaces in grief, that still have forward movement, you are in the right place, sister! Here are two powerful, proven steps to grieve, heal, and rebuild in HOPE:

1. The HOPE Stronghold: A private, online Christian widow community to connect, pray and grow together.

2. 1:1 Christian Widow Coaching: Individualized support rooted in faith and evidence-based practices to guide you through to the changes or transformation you are wanting.

🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post,

or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top)

to be in-the-know when a new post drops!