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Lies We Believe When Dating as a Widow: “No One Else Will Want Me” Here’s some raw dialog that I’ve heard many times—in my own head and from many of my widow sisters who desire to marry again someday: "I'm too old/ugly/broken/unstable now... No one will want me anymore." Every human has lie-based beliefs to battle. Widows are no exception. After a bomb has gone off in your world, your life, your children, and even in your brain—everything feels messy . You're overwhelmed with the fog of grief and all the losses. You’re trying to hold everything together while quietly wondering if you yourself are now too damaged for love. You feel broken. Inadequate. Perhaps even ruined. So when it comes to widow dating advice, one of the most common lies sounds like this: “No one else will want me.” You judge yourself as "too much." Too unstable. Not healed enough yet. And that belief—that no one else will want you—"protects" you from further hurt by cutting off hope at the root. And that belief can feel protective. If you cut off hope, you avoid the risk of rejection. But that same belief quietly shapes how you see yourself—and how you show up (or don’t) when considering dating as a Christian widow. We stop dreaming. We shrink back from connection. We stay stuck or in fear. And ultimately, these lies/myths severely limit us in co-creating our own future with the Lord. The Truth About Dating as a Widow That Will Set You Free Let's get real. "No one else will want me" is a straight-up lie from the pit of hell. How do I know? First, because the One who knows you best calls shame is a liar. Second, because many widows—including young widows dating after loss—have believed this lie and then experienced the opposite. I’ve watched widow sisters with complex, painful stories enter healthy, godly second-chapter (and even third-chapter) marriages full of life. We judge ourselves through the harshest lens—but the truth is a man of character, faith, and depth will not see you the way your self-criticism does. And what if a man does see you as your self-hating fears describe? He’s not the kind of man you want! Anyone who would catch a glimpse of the hard and run isn't the kind of man we desire, want or pray for. So, if you wouldn’t even want someone who sees you the way you harshly see yourself... So why let fear-based thoughts shape your identity or your approach to dating as a widow? We may agree intellectually that how we treat ourselves and what we believe attracts others who are aligned with the same view. However, it takes a deeper resolve to actually change something: to change our thoughts of ourselves. It is time to change your own mind , so you can live from a place of confidence, clarity, and empowerment. We want to be the women and moms who are healthy, grounded, faith-filled, and whole, so we can choose men who are the same. If your heart feels ready to believe again—even a little—here are some practical steps and tips to help you in dating as a widow from a place of hope. Shifting to Truth When Dating as a Widow 1) Name the Lies and Limiting Beliefs Holding You Back Get out paper and a pencil (I'm serious) and start by writing down the fears, the wounds, the statements that keep you stuck. Don’t filter. Let it be raw, and what you have truly thought or said. While I have already given some examples, here are a few more : "I have too much baggage; they won't want me." “No one will want to step into my children’s lives.” "My husband abandoned me—everyone else will too." (I struggled with this as a suicide widow) "All the good men are taken. I'm too late." Bring it all into the light. 2) Challenge and Replace Each One Now, tear down lies one by one. Ask: Is this actually true ? (NOT, "does this feel/seem really true to/for me?") Invite the Holy Spirit to speak. Literally ask Him: "Lord, I am believing [insert statement from #1 ]. Is this true? What do You want me to know?" Let Him speak. Don’t over-filter or rationalize. Just receive. Then write the new truth next to the lie. PS- If Scripture comes to mind, anchor yourself in it and write it down. If not, ask the Lord directly as described. Sister, revisit these and let truth and HOPE begin to rewire your thinking. 3) Return to the Truths Consistently Mindsets don’t change with one shift... neural pathways shift through repetition. When the lies return, ask yourself: "Who would I be without this thought?" "How would I act if I truly believed what the Lord has given me instead?" Let these truths shape your posture, presence, and decisions. Let them speak into your dating journey, how you carry yourself, and the kind of man you will welcome. Renewing Your Mind While Dating as a Widow "...be transformed by the renewing of your mind." -Romans 12:2 As you walk this journey, here are some truths you may choose to adopt: I am valuable, worthy, and cherished as a daughter of the High King. Widowhood doesn’t disqualify me. The right man won’t be afraid of my story. I will not settle out of fear, loneliness, or scarcity. I am divinely led. My children are a blessing, and the right man will see them as such. I will be a gift to his life, and the right man will receive me as such. I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I am open to what that looks like. I choose a posture of surrender. I trust God to author my next chapter. Sister, You are not unwanted. You are not too much. You are not too late. You are deeply seen and deeply loved. When you live from that place, everything changes—including how dating as a widow unfolds. With you, Rachel You're invited to the sisterhood - The Christian Widow Club you DO want to join! Visit The HOPE Stronghold 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Widow Support Groups: Finding Relief Without Carrying It All Alone "I made [such] a connection with [my] loss. It really hit me in the heart. I could feel the pain of the loss that was released..." -Another member of my cohort, W. B. I am so excited about this evidence-based grief healing model after experiencing it myself in a recent intensive, in which we all went through the process personally, and were also trained in facilitating it for others. The transformation in my own heart and grief was so effective, I am thrilled that I also became certified to share it with other widows. Hear me out: I’ve done a lot of work over the years (I’m a personal development person). I’ve worked on myself. I’ve worked on my healing. And still—widowhood has been so incredibly hard and painful, that there were areas of deep pain I continued to struggle with over 6 years out. This grief support group and method is changing that. If you’re here looking for widow grief support or wondering whether widow support groups can actually help, I want you to know this comes from both research and lived experience! When Widowhood Pain is Too Much I was widowed at 31 after losing my husband by suicide. In the aftermath, I became so low that I attempted twice myself. So please don’t think for a second that I’m minimizing your pain, rushing grief, or invalidating anything you’re carrying. I promise you—I am not. I know widowhood is painful, and I am not pretending that there is a way to go through it completely pain-free. I have tried many supports- groups, conferences, books, therapy, podcasts... While everything I’ve been through has mattered, and I’ve taken pieces from all of it, I need you to hear this clearly: What I’ve just experienced through this specific process brought a kind of relief I hadn’t felt before. And that’s why I’m sharing it with you! Widow Grief Support Beyond Just Surviving - Healing the Roots of Pain What I just completed is, in fact, the only evidence-based grief healing process in the world . There’s research behind it. It’s structured. It’s consistent. Because of that, this method works for those who go through it. And what stood out to me most was this truth: We do not have to hold on to the heavy pain we are carrying around. Widowhood is painful. Losing our person is devastating. There is no way around that. But often, it becomes more painful than it has to be. We stay connected to people, places, memories, and even our late husband through pain alone—and we don’t actually have to do it through that lens. We can honor them and have a relationship with them, their memories, and so many other facets of grief- without doing it through suffering. In fact, those things will actually be more meaningful when we come from a healed, lighter place. Why Unresolved Grief Weighs So Heavily One of the clearest ways I understand grief now is like this: Every painful experience—loss, tragedy, heartbreak—is like putting a rock into our backpack. Some are small pebbles. Some are rocks. Some are boulders. And we carry them through life. When we don’t resolve those painful experiences, that weight shows up everywhere: Isolation Anxiety and depression Exhaustion Chronic illness Feeling stuck Struggling spiritually Breakdown in relationships & much more... When you’re already trying to figure out life without your person, that added weight becomes an enormous burden. This is why widow grief support groups—and especially widow to widow support—matter so much. Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Experiencing Relief Through a Structured Process During this four-day intensive, all the members in my cohort and I experienced similar and shocking transformations through this method: We felt lighter. We experienced relief. We released pain connected to specific areas of our lives. Here is what another group member of mine shared: "Following the journey using [this] tested method of grief recovery, one begins to realize that with the pain and sting of grief pain removed, the breathing and living one's life is easier. This proven method of personal life control will change your life." -Member of my grief healing cohort B.M. We weren’t stacking more insight on top of unresolved grief—we were actually unloading the backpack. That difference matters. It’s what shifted something deep inside me and made me want to share this with other widows. Why I’m Offering a Small Widow Support Group Because I’ve now gone through this process myself—and because I’m certified to guide others through it as a Specialist— I’m opening my first pilot widow grief support group. This will be a group of six. It’s intentionally small. It’s deeply guided. This pilot group will also be offered at a lower rate than future groups, simply because it’s the first time I’m leading it. The smaller group allows for a more personal experience. Healing Is Not Optional in Widowhood I need to say this plainly, because I learned it the hard way: Healing becomes your job in widowhood. The heart work must be a focus in the season of widowhood. When I didn’t prioritize my own healing, it cost me more in the long run—in my health, my relationships, and my overall well-being. This work matters! Sister, you are worth the time, the effort, and the investment it takes to stay alive, heal, and rebuild a future. Scripture reminds us that we are temples of the Holy Spirit and that God has good plans for us. Carrying unresolved grief—staying stuck in the same pain and patterns—doesn’t honor that. A Gentle Invitation Forward If you’ve been waiting for a sign, this is it. If you’re looking for widow support groups that offer real widow grief support, not just survival, I would love to walk with you through this process. This pilot group is small and intentional. Future groups will continue, but they will be larger. If this feels like the next right step for you, I encourage you to reach out and learn more. Your story isn’t over, and it can hold more than pain! There is hope. There is relief. There is a lighter way. I’m here for you. I get it—and I’ve walked this road before you. Let’s do it together! With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Hello, sisters! Today I want to talk about something that can feel a little controversial—our attitude toward grief (especially early grief). Things like the funeral, the service, and the trajectory we set for our grief right from the start. It can be hard to discuss when everyone is quick to defend their subjective and unique grief experience. While there is validity to our own journey, it can prevent us from looking at navigating grief more objectively- seeing what helps us move forward in a healthy way from evidence, rather than staying stuck. This idea was influenced by Dr. Alan Wolfelt from the Center for Loss and Life Transition. If you’re not familiar with his work, his resources are incredibly helpful. One of the things he talks about is how often we try to bypass grief, and how that can actually end up harming us. I want to talk about that in a way that respects personal convictions, because this isn’t about right or wrong. But it is also about how our bodies, our brains, and our hearts work together in widowhood grief. How We Avoid Sadness & Bypass Grief in Early Widowhood As human beings, we now know much more about how pain and grief are processed. When we don’t authentically go through grief and metabolize our pain, we don’t get rid of it—we hold on to it instead. You may be familiar with the book The Body Keeps the Score . It explains how our bodies hold onto trauma and pain we don’t address holistically. Unacknowledged grief doesn't go away. We’re often unaware of how it’s affecting us—physically, mentally, and even spiritually. And without that awareness, deep healing doesn’t happen. So let me ask you a question. When your husband died, what were your thoughts about the funeral or the service? What were the expectations for what that was supposed to look like—and what it looked like afterward? For many of us, those expectations are shaped by family, culture, and tradition. In my own family, the common approach has been a celebration of life. It's become common in western culture. But by jumping straight into celebration, we can often bypass the sad part—the crying, the mourning, the grieving... which are actually a very important part of the healing process. We move quickly from “this person is no longer in our daily life” to “we’re celebrating that they’re in heaven.” And while those things are true and they matter tremendously, they aren’t the whole picture. In fact, when we do this in early grief, we miss out on what should be most important- that which helps us process loss and heal through our grief. Who are our Funerals & Rituals in Death Are Really For? Here’s something important I want to say clearly: The funerals & traditions are not for the person who died. They're for the people left behind. That would be YOU. Yes, we honor their life. Yes, we acknowledge that they are no longer suffering. But funerals, services, and rituals exist to help us connect to the loss (and one another) as we process through it. Not closure—because we know this is really just the beginning of the grief journey—but connection. Rituals matter... Funerals. Memorials. Even continuing to acknowledge, in uplifting ways, specific dates or anniversaries linked to our late husband. These things have been shown to be healing and helpful. We see this spiritually too—Jesus taught us about communion and baptism. Rituals are not meaningless or mystical. They are grounding and healing in our human experience. They allow us to mourn together. When we skip over these things—especially in early grief—we can unintentionally set a trajectory that says: “I’m not going to feel this.” “I’m not going to cry.” “I’m not going to let this hurt much.” But the truth is, your heart is broken. The person you loved died. And that matters to your grieving and healing process. Our Christian Faith Reveals Mourning Matters Scripture tells us that death is the last enemy to be destroyed- I personally don’t see death as neutral. Yes, we have hope of heaven. Yes, we believe in eternal life. Yes we find comfort in our husband's presence there! But Jesus still wept at Lazarus’s tomb. Even knowing resurrection was coming, Jesus connected with grief, sadness, and loss. Why? I believe it's because in our broken human experience here, death is significant. Loss is significant. Enough to feel it and even shed tears in our grief. So if you were pushed—by others or by yourself—to bypass grief… if you were told being sad wasn’t helpful, or felt pressure to be “further along” than you were… if you decided "being sad or hurting won't change anything, anyway..." I want to gently encourage you to revisit that, sister. Allowing Grief Instead of Avoiding It If you notice that when things get painful, you shut it down— “I don’t have time for this.” “I can’t deal with this right now.” "Crying is a waste of time." Know that it's a human temptation that we don't want to choose all the time. We might numb out, dissociate, or cope in ways that aren’t healthy—food, alcohol, substances, distractions, even relationships... because we’re trying to survive by getting around it instead of going through it.. But the only way out is through . Avoiding grief doesn’t heal it. I’ve been a nurse for 14 years, and in healthcare we (try to) focus on root causes. If you only treat symptoms, the problem doesn’t go away. Putting a bandage over a dirty wound without addressing and treating the real issue allows infection to grow. Grief is like that, too. After my husband died, I attended a suicide loss group. A young man shared that when his brother died, he decided not to feel it. Almost a decade later, he was there admitting that the grief he'd pushed away was coming out in all sorts of terrible ways—and he was struggling deeply. That moment stayed with me. Sister, bypassing grief does not get you through faster. The only way out is through. And we don’t have to fear that, because the Lord is faithful to walk it and feel it with us . There is help. There is HOPE! Feeling & Healing it Together Research repeatedly shows that we can heal deeper in safe, empathetic and hope-filled relationships. A lot of healing happens with others. If you’re struggling, please stay connected. I lead a Christian widow community where we allow space to acknowledge loss honestly and walk toward healing together—without avoiding the hard things of widowhood or getting stuck in them. Visit us HERE We grieve with HOPE (1 Thessalonians 4:13). And that changes everything. Thank you for being here! With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

We are at the end of our three week series on navigating our grief journey in a healthy and redemptive way. Part 1: How to Navigate Grief as a Widow - Healthy Grieving Part 2: How to Heal Deeper as a Widow - Tending the Real Wounds Now, in Part 3, we build on that foundation, and ask perhaps the hardest, holiest question yet: “Can I discover my new identity and fulfilling purpose after being widowed? Can I rebuild a life—full of goodness—that I love again?" It takes courage to ask that. It takes even more to believe the answer might be yes , for you . But being open to the possibilities ahead, instead of rejecting them, is the first step. When my husband passed away, I felt that my life was over, too. Deep purpose, joy, and hope were out of reach (and out of my day-to-day experience). In the early years of widowhood, I didn’t dare to truly dream again. I had accepted that my hollowed-out version of life after my husband’s suicide was all that remained for me. In an attempt to protect my heart, I actually rejected the things my soul wanted deep down: A life full of possibilities, goodness and abundance. I felt it was a betrayal of my husband/my love for him, and I self-protected from further loss and disappointment by closing off to restoration. Additionally, so many circumstances continued to be hard that I threw my hands up, pitched a tent in the valley of the shadow of death, and allowed it to be my new "home." In years of working with widows, I have found it also may look like anger or defensiveness of your pain, as though accepting grief that is less dark is always invalidation of your loss (it's not). It often looks like maintaining life in a functional sense, but having lost your own identity apart from your spouse, and deep purpose for the rest of your life. If any of that feels familiar, you’re not alone. Many widows get stuck there... which in turn shapes our continued reality, rather than the blessings and promises of God. The empowering truth is we are participating in the creation of our life as we know it now (not entirely, but in large part). And, I offer you this hope: there is more available to us, if we are willing to receive and rebuild it. The Quicksand: Limiting & Lie-Based Beliefs Although it may be easy, it's dangerous to believe that our life after the loss of our husband will never measure up to life "before." We settle into lack, accepting loneliness and pain as permanent companions. We tell ourselves we’ll never be happy again, never thrive again, never feel fully alive. Here's an incredible neurobiological reality- your own mind (through your thoughts and beliefs) is, largely, creating your experience? That by believing you’re stuck in a shadow of your former life, you’re unintentionally staying stuck in it ? What we think and believe, we act on and live out. If you’re constantly orbiting pain, loss, or disappointment, your brain will keep you in survival mode. It will resist and reject your rebuilding the abundant life Jesus still has for you. Thankfully, as humans, we have the ability to not only evaluate our own thinking, but to change it, and therefore, change our lived experience . Friend, this is not a minimization of your painful reality, nor is it a "name it and claim it," or "woo-woo" concept. It's Biblical, for one thing: "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind." -Romans 12:2 It’s also an invitation to manage your mind and reshape your life: to reclaim the promises the Lord has given you, and to rebuild what is still possible for you! You are not just meant to survive this life—you were made to co-create something beautiful again with God. You still carry His Spirit within you. That means you have power, purpose, and a new identity. We Widows Are NOT Victims While we may have earthly disadvantages in widowhood, the ideas that we are unable to change anything, have no power, agency, or control are lies . God didn’t promise us a life free of trouble. But He did promise His presence, His strength, and His HOPE through it all. I once heard that widowhood is not a curse, it's a calling. As Christian widows, we are not helpless. In fact, we’ve been entrusted with the most sacred of opportunities: the resurrection of our own lives; beauty from ashes with the help of the Holy Spirit. In Christ, we are offered: Hope that’s unshakable Joy that defies circumstances Purpose that doesn’t die when our husband did Authority to choose how we show up in our pain Power to live these as tangible realities (not only spiritual ideas) New identities as Brides of Christ (widowhood is an earthly season, NOT an identity) One of my favorite quotes of all time, from a Christian sister widowed multiples times, describes it well: "The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances." -Elisabeth Elliot The determining factor in your future is not your circumstances, but your beliefs about what’s still true and possible. Focusing on the internal shifts and growth changes everything. We don't have to accept every thought our brain offers us (especially a brain stuck in suffering). Have you ever considered: who would you be without those hopeless, stuck thoughts/beliefs? When you can change them and learn the power of also shifting your emotional state, it impacts the actions you take. Your entire life can begin to shift. These things are possible for anyone. But, how ? Let me share a couple powerful steps. 3 Steps to Rebuild with HOPE 1) Reject Lies & Open to Possibilities You may be terrified to hope again. That’s okay. Fear will show up—but it doesn’t have to be in charge. You can choose to believe that something good is still possible, and that God has abundant goodness for you (because He does , friend). Hope is not naïve. Hope is holy. When the enemy whispers, “Your dreams are lost,” reject that lie. Rebuke it! Lies give the enemy ground, and we have been given power to overcome them by the blood of Jesus. God has more for you. Let yourself imagine abundant possibilities. Allow the Holy Spirit to stir creativity, beauty and meaning back into your heart and world. This willingness and openness is the foundation to all rebuilding. Without it, you will continue on a trajectory in grief that will not bring you to God's deep joy, goodness and meaning. 2) Create a Vision for Your Future Take time to get quiet with God and ask: What do I still long to experience and do ahead in my life? (Stay in a creative mode without limiting ideas and possibilities): Is it a new mission or purpose? A new career path? A trip you've always wanted to take? A new healing home for your family? Openness to love or remarriage? New traditions or connections with your family? A way the Lord is calling you to use your pain for purpose? To help others? There are so many open doors ahead! The point to engage with your tangible future dreams. Invite the Holy Spirit in. Write it down. Speak it aloud. And begin to pray circles around these things (be a persistent widow- ask, and keep asking). 3) Surround Yourself With a Winning Team Don’t try to rebuild alone... it takes much longer and is much more painful. Just as healing requires community, growth (especially that which comes with deep healing) requires the right support. Think of it as choosing a "winning team." If you are going to embark on this endeavor, it's crucial that you invest in the things that are going to get you to success. Choose people—even a faithful few—who believe for your abundant future when you can’t for yourself Seek wise, empathetic counsel: friends who have been with you in your pain, so you can receive their challenges, too Join a group or community that "gets it," but doesn’t just orbit and defend painful grief... they move toward rebuilding . [ The HOPE Stronghold is my community I pour into, and we welcome you!] Invest in therapy, especially in instances of acute distress Consider working with a Coach to get measurable results in moving forward [Learn about my Christian widow Coaching here ] The last one - Coaching - changed everything for me (it's why I left 14 years of Nursing to become one!). I felt that I was a victim, and life just kept happening to me . Coaching helped me go from functioning (and stuck there) to confident, abundant and full of purpose! Coaching isn't just "inspiration." A good Coach can lay out a clear, achievable plan for your rebuilding, and support you along the way through the discouragements and failures, into new thoughts, new beliefs, new feelings, and recreating a life you love again! I 100% believe in it because it transformed not just my life, but many women I now guide. Whatever you do, don't give up and don't go widowing alone. Loving Life Again The life I live now isn’t the same one I had before loss (how could it be, without him?). But it is full. It is beautiful. It is mine to shape and live. And you know what? It didn’t happen by accident. I chose to dream. I created a vision. I surrounded myself with the right support. And I did the holy work of changing my mind, and changing my life. You can too. There is more ahead for you, sister. You can rebuild a life you love again . With you, Rachel PS- If that is your desire, Coaching can help you achieve it. You can set up a consultation here. You are not forgotten. You are not finished. A new chapter has begun for you. 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

How do you navigate the grief, healing and rebuilding journey as a widow? We are in a 3 Part series looking at these steps in a healthy process (and common pitfalls). Breaking down our journey into "steps" gives us a framework to talk about navigating widowhood loss and pain that still has forward movement and doesn't circle the drain of darkness. Last week, we talked about Part 1, where the journey after loss begins: healthy grief that is based in true acceptance and includes HOPE (1 Thess. 4:13). Check it out here if you have not already, because we're building on it today.💗 This week, we move forward to step 2 - deeper healing! Because our widowhood wounds, and broken heart, need the right care and treatment to mend.❤️‍🩹 As I navigated my early widowhood grief, I grew in identifying and ending unhealthy strategies, such as bypassing, numbing, and coping in survival mode (again, see Part 1 ). Despite my growth, I also discovered I continued to struggle in pain, with a bleak outlook on my life- that burdened my mind, body and spirit. I still didn't know how to heal deeply from these things. I was told (have you heard these, too?) that "time heals all wounds," or that I just needed to "keep being strong." I was functioning in "maintenance mode" as I call it— taking care of children and trying to do what I needed to everyday as a widow. But I wasn't deeply healing or transforming. I didn't realize that functioning + the passing of time did NOT = deep healing ! Deep healing is much more personal and intentional than that. Your deep heart wounds are worth the investment of resources (time, money, effort, etc.) needed for recovery after the devastating, life-changing loss of being widowed. Time passed and though I did try many things, I still felt devastated and without peace- until I found the right support to "treat" my specific wounds. The right support for you is key to your process, and the Lord will be faithful to lead, provide for, and walk with you on the journey! For some widows, it's hard to imagine how we could "come back" from our shattered life, or live without ongoing pain. Or perhaps things like "post traumatic growth," or living in a beautiful future can feel out of reach. Yet I have not only experienced this transformation personally, but work with many widows who do, too! I know that it's an available possibility for every widow (you can disagree with me, but it won't stop me from believing it for you , because I know it's true). I went from a hopeless widow who attempted suicide myself- to deeper healing and joy than I could have imagined were possible. Sister, the Lord has not allowed you to be broken beyond what He can heal. There is a way forward. If you have felt like you're still broken and in need of deeper healing (or don't know how), I want to give you some tangible hand holds to grab onto today. Let's go! 💗 Healing Comes When We Tend the Real Wounds- 3 Steps Toward Deep Healing In case you haven't already experienced it, trying to ignore our deep grief wounds doesn't work. In fact, carrying all that we often have to solo while bearing grief, perhaps trauma, and spiritual heartbreak can actually deepen that pain. I want you to think of your pain like the dashboard light on your car.🚨 The light itself (while irritating) is not the problem or an enemy; it's an indicator of an underlying problem. Your pain reveals that you need time, effort and attention for your wounds to heal, and for you to recover. We need to pay attention to it. Deep healing means intentionally investing in : 1) Identifying your real wounds 2) Committing to finding & getting the right treatment for you 3) Engaging relationship (with God and others) in the process This is so valuable, so let's look at them! 1) Identifying Your Real Wounds 💔 Addressing your wounds involves examining your pain points and your needs in a very honest way . Seems simple, right? Unfortunately... not. ➡️Recognizing them can be hindered by: Your fear/resistance to looking deep into your broken places and feeling them (it might seem too deep/overwhelming). Your concern for the thoughts, opinions or judgements of other people if you're honest about your brokenness and how you need more support. Lack of knowing what you need in order to make progress- you may just feel clueless on what you need to do. ➡️In identifying your specific wounds/needs, you may need to consider: Are there wounds from the past you have never sought healing for, that may be contributing to your present views and pain? What ways have you been harmed? Specific forms of abuse, loss, trauma, etc. may require their own methods of healing (example: EMDR is generally considered a gold standard treatment for PTSD). How can you approach healing holistically (which is necessary for deeper healing)? Your physical body, your mind, and your spirit are all connected and impacting one another. You will likely need outside assistance in discovering where you need help. God is the Knower and Healer of all, and can guide His sheep by His voice (John 10:27). Keep seeking and asking Him in prayer, and know that the language of the Holy Spirit's leading is peace. You may also need the help of professionals/specialists to assist you. Doctors, therapists/counselors, grief coaches and others are equipped to serve you in your healing, in various ways! (More on bringing others into your healing in step 3) Identifying your wounds in a real and honest way also means taking ownership of how you may be participating in the current painful experience you find your life to be (which is good news, because you can change it! More on this next week❤️‍🔥). 2) Committing to Finding & Getting the Right Treatment For You ❤️‍🩹 When you discover, through healthy and honest evaluation, what you really need, you must be willing to make it a priority. Because just knowing more "shoulds" don't do you any good. You have to connect with why this matters and is worth pursuing . If you know actions to take for your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual healing, I encourage you to value your life, your healing and your future enough to follow through on them. It bears repeating: Deep healing is much more personal and intentional than [the passing of time alone]. Your deep heart wounds are worth the investment of resources (time, money, effort, etc.) needed for recovery after the devastating, life-changing loss of being widowed. Your deep healing can change everything about how you experience both your current days, as well as your future! Ok, I have tried to motivate you to love and value yourself as the Lord loves and values you, His beloved daughter, Bride, and temple of the Holy Spirit. Now let's look at a few specifics. ➡️Here’s what "wound treatment" options might look like in widowhood (this is not exhaustive by any means): Involving our physical bodies and mental health in our healing with healthy food/fuel, exercise/movement, routine check ups and care, getting enough sleep, etc. Failing to take care of the only place you have to live (your body) can hinder your grief journey more than you may realize. Healthy processing tools (proven in psychology) like journaling and gratitude methods, or somatic body work (such as vagus nerve healing) to help metabolize your pain in healing ways. Therapy or trauma-informed counseling to address emotional wounds and gently work through the hard layers of pain. Therapy is a great tool to help take you from non-functional/crisis states to functioning. Personalized Coaching that helps you identify where you’re stuck and equips you with tools to take confident steps in the "what now" areas. Coaching is often from struggling (but functioning) to HOPE-filled, forward movement! Rebuilding spiritual connection with God—through your own individual time with Him in the Word, through meditation, in nature, as well as part of the body of Christ through a safe, supportive and Spirit-filled church (they do exist!). Including these things into your life is possible, and it is worth the investment into yourself. You don’t have to figure this all out today; just take a couple brave steps toward healing. 3) Engaging Relationships (with God & Others) in the Process 💕 Ok, seriously? Why is healing in relationship a critical step in deep healing as a WIDOW? How does that make sense? Aren't we figuring out how to do this all on our own, now? I sure hope not. Loneliness is one of the top struggles for widows. What is more, research has shown (credit to Dr. Curt Thompson) that so much of how we are wounded in relationships and in shame can be healed best within safe, trusted relationships! Miraculously, new neural networks within the brain (a new mind) even occur through these relational interactions (body to body healing)! There are so many reasons, from a holistic standpoint, to involve relationships in our deep widowhood healing. Humans need safe people who can witness and tend to our pain and needs. ➡️Here are a few ways integrating these kinds of relationships into your own deeper healing: Grief/widow support groups and other forms of community with those who truly “get it,” so you don’t feel so alone. (I personally feel I have the most incredible Christian widow community, and you are welcome to join us! ) As described in more detail in Step 2, therapy and coaching are both relational supports to help you heal and grow in widowhood, and beyond! I did 5 years of weekly therapy in widowhood, but finding coaching changed my life so drastically I left Nursing and became a Christian Widow Coach myself ( feel free to learn more about my support here ). Honest, two-way conversations with God that open your heart to comfort. (I highly recommend the book Joyful Journey: Listening to Immanuel for some practices on hearing from the Lord). We utilize this in my widow community and Coaching. Learning to ask and also to receive—from people, from God, and even from your own self-compassion. In Closing: The Pain Is Real—But So Is the Healing I remember when I finally decided living the same life I currently had- the pain and struggles I was experiencing as a widow- wasn't what I was going to accept for my future. It wasn’t a moment of weakness, but of strength and wisdom. It was the beginning of deep healing for me. The pain didn’t vanish, but I finally had next steps into a doable path forward. And so can you. You’re not failing. You’re not broken beyond repair. You’re simply wounded. And wounds can and do heal—when tended rightly, with care. You’re not alone, sweet sister, and you weren't made to carry this in isolation. You can find change if you see yourself worthy of making changes. Healing your heart will change the rest of your life. Let’s walk it together. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

"I honestly don't know what to do, or how to navigate this..." "I feel stuck in grief..." When we become widows, we can feel lost in a new life we never wanted. While all of us will experience grief in our own way, healthy grieving, healing, and rebuilding our lives anew isn't something every widow ends up doing, unfortunately. Grief is not a linear process, but the journey does have common pitfalls, and common steps (yes I said the "s" word). Don't let the word "steps" in the grief process turn you away; your widowhood loss and journey are still very much unique, and this isn't about packaging things into a black and white box. But breaking down our journey into "steps" of grieving, healing, and rebuilding gives us a framework to talk about safe, healthy grief that has forward movement and doesn't circle the drain of darkness. This three week series is designed to help you along the way. Let's go, sister. 💔❤️‍🩹❤️ I thought I was grieving "normally" after losing my husband (if there was such a thing). I cried. I wailed. I stared off in numb disbelief. I checked the boxes that I had to: do the funeral, get the death certificate, keep getting out of bed for my kids. But when I became so low that I attempted suicide myself, I began to realize I had fallen into a dark hole in my grief journey, somewhere. Maybe this level of devastation wasn't "normal," or at least, certainly wasn't healthy. I didn't know what healthy grieving actually looked like. In my survival, it turned out I was stuck in a dark place from early in the process. Hopelessness isn't the only way we can get derailed- it can look like other things, too. And we're digging into it this week as Part 1 of our grief process: Accepting our new reality, and truly grieving in a healthy way. It's so important because it can change the course of our journey! Let's briefly chat about what that means. Grief Pitfalls: Getting Stuck & Bypassing I know it seems so obvious that it's almost laughable, but if the first step in the grief journey is acceptance and actually grieving our losses, the truth is... We're terrible at doing it! Real, healthy grief is something many try to skip altogether, or get stuck in. Both of these have massive impacts on and implications for our grief journey, and our future. 1) Getting Stuck in the Pain This is what I did in my early grief experience. Sometimes widows feel trapped in grief and loss because we set up camp in the valley of the shadow of death... and live there instead of walking through it with the Lord. We can feel so overwhelmed with despair that we make pain our home, and don't realize there is a better journey of grief available to us. We believe that we died when they died, and when we hold to this, we don't just experience death—we embody it. The result of this pitfall is living a life that feels pretty much over, done, and miserable. It is devoid of hope, abundance or future dreams. It comes out in how we speak and how we feel in our widowhood days. Even though we hate it, we may not realize what we're doing, or don't know how to get out. Sometimes it's because we think that staying in pain honors who and what we've lost. But it actually robs you of the healing and rebuilding God has for you (the next steps in this blog series-stay tuned!). While authentic grief is valuable, so is its forward movement . In healthy grief, we have both. 2) Bypassing Our Losses Another pitfall is when we rush past grief because it's, obviously, painful. The losses feel too great to face. Perhaps, our underlying beliefs ("I am abandoned/unworthy" or "Life is now purposeless/hopeless," etc.) are too much to connect with. We may try to numb or distract ourselves from it—maybe with alcohol, drugs, shopping, food, a relationship(s), sex, or just keeping too busy to feel. Numerous addictions and dysfunctions can surface in widowhood as we attempt to find comfort and relief. Another way we bypass or avoid the grief process is by denial, or dissociating from it entirely. In this case, a person avoids feeling, thinking, or talking about their loss(es) altogether. Perhaps we bypass just because we're trying to survive, keep our kids afloat, or not upset others with our grief process. As I talk to other widows, I hear these common themes: “I have to be strong.” "I can't go there." “I don’t want to burden others.” "Being sad won't change it anyway." In a variety of ways, we give no notice, attention, or time to our bleeding hearts. But by skipping the first step in the journey through grief, we don't actually "jump" to the other side like we may think. Limits in grief are good, but trying to bypass the pain of widowhood will only get you trapped in grief. 2) Doing Both Oftentimes we vacillate in our widowhood grief and do a bit of both- bypassing and getting stuck (I did). It's part of our human nature to try to escape, and comfort ourselves with the wrong things, and it's the tendency of some to become ensnared in overwhelming pain and loss. And sister, if you’re feeling hopeless, lost, or think you "got over it" without feeling anything—if either of these pitfalls rings true for you—you might be stuck in this very first step. Here’s what you need to know: You can’t move forward into your life and healing if you haven’t truly felt and accepted your losses. True, Healthy Grieving Now that we know how we avoid it, let's briefly talk about what it means to actually grieve in a healthy way . Authentic grief is not finding the fastest, easiest way through. It’s also not "getting over it." It’s looking at the reality of what you’ve lost—and letting it break your heart . Yes, it hurts, takes time, and is terrifying. AND, it’s the bravest thing you’ll ever do. Because an open, broken heart can be healed (festering wounds cannot). Until you face your new reality—both inwardly (what your heart actually feels) and outwardly (what your life now looks like)—you can’t step into healing or rebuilding. When I say, "let it break your heart," it isn’t about wallowing and getting stuck, remember. It's about genuinely acknowledging and feeling the loss of your husband. Because even if you can't sense it, the reality you are accepting does contain HOPE! This is about telling yourself the truth so God can begin to do something with it. Grief doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you loved and lost. And the only way out… is through. Healthy, Authentic Grief How do you genuinely acknowledge and feel your grief experiences as a widow? Just start with one honest moment... then string more of them together. It may seem trite, but it's a healthy way of experiencing it, and bringing the Lord into it with you! Here’s how it can look in a wave of grief: Feel what you feel. Where is it in your body, and how would you describe it, physically? Allow yourself to sit and feel it (know it's going to come and go, it will pass). Now, what would you call it? Anger? Numbness? Jealousy? Relief? Sadness? Associate the bodily feeling to the emotion you've chosen. All of them (there's more than one) are ok, and all of them belong. Name what you’re thinking. This can be hard, but try to hold open space for the raw thoughts your brain is offering you. What are you honestly believing? Say them out loud or write them down in a journal. “I don’t know who I am anymore.” “I don't know how to do this life without them.” “I feel like I’m going crazy.” Be honest with God, and invite Him into it with you. He can handle you unfiltered. He already knows and loves you, so include Him into the process. Ask Him to show you where He is with you, and allow the Spirit in you to humble receive what He has to give you, show you or tell you. It will feel messy and hard—that’s where healing begins. We’ll talk about the next steps, healing and rebuilding, in the next two weeks, but for now: Just be here. You and the Lord. Opening your honest, broken heart to Him is the first, holy step. The Bravery of Authentic Grief... & Authentic Hope There was a moment, deep in my grief, when I realized I wasn’t just "still very sad"—I was stuck. Despair had settled in so deeply, I didn’t even know how to part from it. One night, sitting in the silence after my kids were in bed, I whispered a truth I’d been too afraid to admit: “God, I still want a beautiful life.” It was an honest cry. I didn’t want to stay in the darkness forever. I wanted to laugh again, love again, dream again. And in that moment, I sensed His presence and invitation to move toward it together. I was open to change. That was a beginning for me... trusting that great beauty and joy could still grow from broken places. It can for you, too. With you, Rachel "...Sisters [in Christ]... you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope." -1 Thess. 4:13 Christian widows grieve differently- we grieve with HOPE ! If you are wondering what difference it makes to walk widowhood together with other widows who love Jesus, I will tell you it makes all the difference in the world, because His HOPE gives us an entirely different identity and trajectory! If you are ready to find a community of Christian widows to walk that out with you, you've found a safe space. We truly get it, and are connecting, encouraging and praying together as we move forward in HOPE. Join us in The HOPE Stronghold . You don't need to do this alone anymore. 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops and for weekly encouragement!

The Weight of Widowhood Loneliness Loneliness after losing your husband is more than just an empty house or quiet nights—it’s the aching feeling that you are now living in a world void of your person, that no one truly sees you, or that you're lost in a world that keeps moving on without you. The silence can be deafening, making you wonder, "Is this just how life will be now?" Death is an enemy, and navigating after this kind of loss feels lonely because, well, they are gone ... And we hate that they aren't coming back. There are also the critical elements of lost companionship, intimacy, and being deeply known. Where you once had someone who knew your mind from a look across the room, there is now emptiness. There are no texts, no one to talk about your heart to... and the person you need comfort from the most is the one you're grieving. This is likely why, in recent responses from 100 widows, "loneliness" came out on top as one of the leading challenges/frustrations. But what if our experience of loneliness did not have to translate into "I Am Alone," now or for the rest of our life? I want to give you hope (learned from my own widowhood walk with Jesus): this season of solitude can become a doorway into renewed identity and purpose, as well as intimacy with Christ. Lonely vs. Alone: Understanding the Difference Feeling lonely after loss can make you believe you are trapped in aloneness, but understanding the difference can equip you to rebuild a meaningful, hope-filled life with confidence, purpose, and yes, deep connection(s). Being utterly alone is a "fact" statement- a belief of what is true . Namely, that " I am alone ." Intense feelings of loneliness, on the other hand, are about what feels true : " I feel so alone . The difference is key, because something may feel so incredibly real and true... but it doesn't mean it is truth. We know from the Bible that believing truth vs. lies is even a spiritual issue. And psychology shows the impact that our thoughts (beliefs) have on us- they tie right into the feelings we feel. And here's the kicker: our thoughts and feelings create our actions (habits) which create the reality, the life, we're living. Can you see the implication for widowhood? It means that as long as we hold to the thought/belief of "I am alone" (even though it is not true), we feed more into the experience of being alone . Now, we must validate our painful experience of loneliness in widowhood, which is very real and very raw. Losing our companion, of being misunderstood in our grief by others, and of having to endure our days without them - in a way no one else comprehends - can be devastating. This unwelcomed solitude of being lonely is a circumstantial and emotional burden that we are forced to navigate in our widowhood grief. It is a heavy feeling, and a painful one. In contrast, the deep belief (and identity shift) of "I am Alone" is different from felt loneliness. It is a dark lie that sinks like an arrow into the heart, and can be very difficult to remove the longer we nurse its poisonous message. It works its way out through our actions and choices (through withdrawing, isolating, fearing connection, etc.) and becomes the life we create for ourselves going forward. Recognizing this difference is crucial . Many of us have been surrounded by people and have still felt lonely. Conversely, there are moments when we’re physically alone but at peace, being deeply connected to ourselves and to the Lord. The shift begins with how we see and what we believe about ourselves - our own identity. And this reality opens a door of hope for widows to move from "I Am Alone" to the more bearable and formable, "I feel so lonely right now." We may begin to grasp that how it is right now is not our forever reality. Your identity was never solely in being the wife of your husband. While deeply meaningful, it was never the sum of who you are. The truth is, your value and purpose were never dependent on another person being in your life, or on receiving it from them, specifically. You are still alive, still a treasure... and you have so much capacity for love (not just romantically, but it could be that), connection, healing and purpose! And though it may not feel like it right now, you have the strength and the power to rebuild a richly meaningful future as you engage the deep mind, heart and soul work of managing your thoughts and beliefs. Let's talk about 3 ways to step into that change... 3 Key Steps to Freedom from "I am Alone" 1) Rebuke Lies Jesus said in John 8:44 that "When [the devil] lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." On the contrary, Jesus said, “I am... the truth” (John 14:6), and the Holy Spirit is named “the Spirit of truth” (John 14:17). Hebrews 6:18, says that “it is impossible for God to lie.” Our feelings of loneliness can be met with compassion and comfort, but the lie of "I am alone" needs to be rebuked. In scripture, God himself responds this way. Renouncing a lie is declaring it to be false and breaking up with it, and it's hold over you. Do not coddle or hold "I am alone" as a weighted blanket you pull over yourself in the fetal position of hopelessness. Reject it. I encourage you to do so out loud: "I rebuke and renounce the lie of 'I am alone,' and I call it unfamiliar to me. I will not allow its hold over my mind, heart and soul any longer, in the name and by the blood of Jesus." You have never been alone, before or in widowhood. God has been with you in every tear, every question, every moment of doubt. And no matter who passes on before you, you are not lost or separated from God. Hope is not lost. You are empowered to move forward, not because you have to “get over” your grief or because your pain is invalidated, but because you were created for more than just surviving in the burden and blindness of lies. 2) Sink Your Roots Deeper Into Your True Identity Speaking Biblically, we are not often called only to "say no" to things (in this instance, believing lies) only. We are given deeper, richer and more fulfilling things to hold onto and take its place instead (in this case, glorious truth!) . So we don't stop at rebuking the lie, we are to go deeper into the richness of the truth of our true identity. Grief has a way of shaking who we are and everything we thought we knew. When your world is shattered by loss, you may feel like a part of you died with your loved one. But as we mentioned, your identity has never been defined by another human being. That means that you, your life and your hope, have not died or been lost. The most freeing (although incredibly difficult) realization you can embrace as a widow is that no one—apart from Jesus—is coming to “save” you. Though it sounds terrible, it's not a bad thing; it’s actually liberating. It's you and Jesus, primarily. It always has been, and always will be, because He cannot be taken from you, you cannot be taken from Him, and you are never alone. When you begin to find yourself as wholly in and with Christ (on an experiential level), rather than permanently alone without your spouse, the fear of loneliness lessens its grip. Here are just a couple truths to renew your widow identity as "One Who is Never Alone": "And be sure of this: I am with you always ..." -Mt. 28:20 "For your Maker is your husband , The LORD of hosts is His name..." -Is. 54:5 " the LORD will hold me close ." -Ps. 27:10 We receive them with a "Yes" and "Amen!" 3) Cultivate Connections with Purpose Loneliness often convinces us that no one understands (and unless you have close widow friends, there aren't often those around us who do). But believing the lie that we are all alone (and often the resulting isolation and withdrawal on our part) deepens our pain. Connection and relationship, however, can be a lifeline—especially when it’s rooted in shared experience and purpose. It is critical that they are safe, empathetic relationships with those able to companion us in our grief (so we can be real), and also ones that help us on the trajectory of hope and forward movement in our grief. Here are some ways to cultivate these meaningful relationships: Join a local grief support group or a widow’s group if possible (Christian connections will be rooted in your shared values and Holy Spirit power!) Volunteer to support others who are also grieving—sometimes, purpose is found in serving Schedule regular check-ins with trusted friends who uplift and encourage you Hold on to the faithful few who are empathetic and consistently walking with you Be open to growing your confidence in making new connections and relationships. You are a powerful widow who can rebuild beautiful things in a new life, not a victim! PS- If you are ready to go deeper in building these meaningful relationships, I want to offer you an invitation to my most precious widow community. The HOPE Stronghold is a private virtual group of Christian widows to deepen their faith and relationships with other widows who love Jesus.👭 If you want to connect, pray and grow with widow sisters who "get it," we are on the journey to grieve, heal and rebuild with HOPE! 💞 You can join us HERE. You Are Not Trapped In "I Am Alone"—You Are Free Sister, as I end, let me gently remind you: The loneliness you feel right now is not a life sentence. It is a season (albeit one that feels awful!), and seasons change. The pain of loss will always be a part of your story, but it does not have to define your identity and your future . You have the power to build a life that feels full and meaningful—not because you forget who you lost, but because you remember who you are. You are loved. You are seen. And you are never, ever alone. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

I am in gratitude to Dr. Betsy Guerra for her wisdom and insights included into this week's blog.❤️‍🔥 The Search for Happiness... We all have hunger in our souls... for joy , peace , and hope . And, when we are suffering, for relief of pain . In every season of life, we search for the experiential answers: “When will I find happiness that lasts?” “When will I have peace and rest?” “When will my life just be... good (or good again)?” We work, we wait, we strive—believing that when we finally achieve that goal, find/fix that relationship, or escape this season of suffering, we’ll have what we’re longing for. While we may have seasons where we can take hold of these things, they don't last forever. Perhaps we are hit with tragedy. Our person dies. Suicide becomes a real struggle. We are spiritually (or otherwise) abused. Our dreams shatter. Life doesn’t unfold how we thought it would. And then, hope begins to feel impossible, peace seems out of reach, and joy feels like a cruel joke. The struggles continue, and we need relief... again. Because the problem is, we are all on the search to find fulfillment from circumstances outside of us... and that is why it is an endless search. When we believe that happiness, security, etc. can only come from something or someone outside of us, we will live in constant lack. We have created our own ball and chain of dependence on a source that will always fail us or that we will end up losing. And here's an important side note for my fellow grievers and sufferers: this is no minimization or shaming of pain! Of course your wounds and losses are devastating- and should be! There is heartache in the human experience. But… What if we could have hope, joy, peace and relief in the life we're living—right now? It is still what our (broken) hearts long for, isn't it? Drawing From the Source: Abundance If we are dependent on HAVING [fill in the blank] before we can BE [peaceful, joyful, filled with hope, in less pain], then we are setting ourselves up for endless lack. The irony is that it’s the other way around: We must BE before we will ever truly HAVE. And the astounding truth? You already are! Because in Christ, we have full oneness with God Himself, and access to His abundance in the Holy Spirit. The hope, joy, and peace you’re searching for are not found in solving any of the circumstantial problems (of which there are many). We don’t need more achievements, possessions, or even people to be whole. They’re found in connection—your connection to God, the true source of all you need. Our only true problem? We’ve lost our way home. Disconnection from the source appears in our life as all of the other "problems" we are trying to solve. What we need is to return to the One who makes us whole. Our only true solution is simply to come home- to return to Him, our abundance. From this place of being—of reconnecting with God— we can actually enjoy life’s blessings without being dependent on them for meaning and happiness . It is also a place from where we can find a real way forward into deeper healing and growth from our grief and loss. So how do we do that? How do we shift from chasing peace to living in it? Let’s talk about some practical steps. Living (and Healing) from Abundance 1. Come Back Home to God Your truest home is oneness with God. And the good news? You are never far from Him. So "coming back" simply involves the turning of our heart (not a list of things to do). In Christ, you are already in perfect standing with God. There is no striving, no groveling, no proving yourself worthy of His love. He is always waiting with open arms. Take a moment to pause. Is anything in the way of going even deeper and nearer? Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal anything you need to release—pain, unforgiveness, false beliefs, or wounds that need healing from Him. And please know: there is no shame here (shame is not from God). This is not about “clawing your way back” to God. It’s about surrender—laying your burdens down and resting in His presence. You are warmly welcomed into this starting place of healing. 2. Believe That You Already Have Everything You Need Your beliefs are the beginning to everything in your lived experience. Still, believing you have all you need is so hard, especially when life is the most challenging. Pain and suffering make us feel like we are victims—like we need the circumstances to change before we can be okay. Plus, we get defensive about our pain, as though someone is trying to minimize it. Your pain and your needs are valid . But here’s the challenge: Resist the urge to believe things have to “look a certain way” before you can be at peace (I’ll be honest—this is something I have to remind myself of, ongoing). This doesn't mean your desires are wrong, or that God is against your dreams. But when you live as though your peace depends on them, you’ll always feel empty. What if you could experience peace and joy right now, regardless of circumstances? That’s the freedom found in Christ. Let go of the ball and chain. Every human, in various challenges on this planet, is able to have abundant life in the Lord as they navigate the struggles of life. 3. Rebuke the Lies Keeping You Stuck This has been one of the biggest battles in my personal journey—learning to stand in my authority in Christ and reject the lies that try to pull me back into despair. As an Enneagram 4 (translation: deep feeler, very familiar with grief), I know what it’s like to sit in pain. And while self-awareness and authenticity are good, creating an identity out of pain is dangerous. For years, I let my suffering define me. It fed my despair, intensified my struggles, and nearly drowned me in hopelessness. But then I learned something life-changing: agreeing with the thoughts that weren't actually true was partnering with the enemy... and I can walk through my grief with Him, or I can repeatedly take God's hand, instead. When old, familiar lies creep in—thoughts of hopelessness, self-pity, or despair—rebuke them. Don’t coddle, entertain, or empathize with them. Don’t let them take root. And if you need permission to get aggressive here, let me say this: The enemy is the one place you can use all your bad words. Seriously. Tell him to get out. 4. Start Living Like the Person You Already Are - Abundant You already have hope, peace, and joy in Christ. You have Holy Spirit power for endurance and perseverance in suffering. You have authority to rebuke the enemy and power to rebuild a beautiful life. Can you fathom that reality? Let your life reflect it; rather than waiting to have the right circumstances before you become the person God created you to be. Let your identity—not your circumstances—determine your choices, words, and outlook. In my darkest season of widowhood, the Lord gave me the theme that has carried me for years: Acceptance-With-Joy. At first my response was, "Really?! Are you kidding me? Right HERE?!" But it became a part of my new life and new identity, despite all I've been through. Start speaking life over yourself, friend. Start making decisions from a place of abundance, not lack. Start stepping into the fullness of who God says you are. When you do this, you’ll realize something incredible: The joy, peace, and hope you were searching for were inside you all along... Come back home, to Oneness with God that is always available to you. Final Thoughts: Your Hope Starts Here You don’t have to wait for life to get “better” before you can live fully. You don’t have to chase joy, peace, or hope. You already have them in Christ. Now, it’s time to step into that reality—right here, right now. It IS possible, and I have walked through it- from suicide attempts to an abundant (not perfect) life. If this resonates with you and you’re looking for deeper support, and transformation, I’d love to walk alongside you! Become a Founding Member of The HOPE Stronghold Membership, and get connected to community and a path to success. You can get on the list by subscribing to the blog (instructions below), and I will update you when The HOPE Stronghold Membership opens! Stay tuned—hope is closer than you think. I also have openings for 1:1 Coaching to help you navigate healing and rebuilding your life, if you are ready to get out of the suffocating grasp of grief, despair and loneliness. Reach out here: Connect@hopespeaker.com With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Why Is "Being Strong" The Default When We Are Broken? Survival instincts and "survival mode," as we often call it, exist for a reason. In life, seasons of suffering - trauma, abuse, death of loved ones, diagnosis of a disease, financial hardships, ongoing stress, etc. - bring us to "just trying to make it through the day." These circumstances necessitate survival mode, both in our body's physiological changes (to perform through intense stress), as well as in all the ways we have to cope with the losses. We become battle hardened. We become fighters, soldiers... survivors. This is the conflict that those in deep pain walk out daily: How can I be the strongest I've ever been (and keep walking through this suffering) when I am the weakest I've ever been (and feel like I can't do it anymore)? Unfortunately, nearly everything else (both in and around us) feeds into this same way of thinking when we are suffering. Internal Pressures When our mental and emotional pain becomes intense and prolonged, it is often too overwhelming (and we have few resources and other people who can help us navigate this well). We protect ourselves from feeling by numbing, medicating, dissociating, or being in denial. It can lead us to seek relief by various means: addictions, hardening ourselves from feeling, isolating from others, or even by soldiering forward as "the strong one." 🙋 The problem is, pain continues to build as the wounds fester under the surface, and it drives problem behaviors and brokenness that won't heal until the hurts are faced. External Pressures The voices of culture, family, friends, and acquaintances, though well-meaning, often speak idolatrous words. Words of the supremacy of "strength over weakness," powering through, overcoming... while people also wave banners of positivity and gratitude over our bleeding hearts. Unfortunately this typically starts long before we've actually come to terms with our losses and grieved them. Few are willing to join us there. Their platitudes do not apply pressure to our wounds, but instead they cover our mouths (which are often trying to speak grief as the language that it is). These "motivational" sounds bites can be: "Everything happens for a reason." "At least......[fill in the blank]" "Suck it up and keep going. You've got this." "People die. That's life." "Isn't it time you move on?" "Be strong," were some of the only words a friend spoke to me within a matter of weeks from losing my husband by suicide. I stood dumbfounded at my door with swollen eyes, wearing one of his shirts, and with his wedding ring on a chain around my neck. I didn't invite her in to stay. Another reason we put our walls up is toxic positivity. While it's a culturally "hip" phrase that is thrown around often these days, I want to define it here: "Toxic positivity is the practice of expecting people to maintain a positive attitude or mindset regardless of their circumstances or emotions." And through a megaphone, hear me say: That is not human! Also, suffering is a key time we should NOT try to be superhuman. Unfortunately, the church is often not a safe place to hide from the pressure (er, "encouragements") to clean up our mess and stay out of the "darkness." Or, we at least only get a certain amount of time that is deemed "appropriate" to struggle in any particular way. Most common is the judgements people make as they watch.... with their hearts at a distance. We can even have opportunities taken from us that are life-giving based on the judgement of leaders or others who deem us no longer "fit" for service. This is a punishment to those suffering and exacerbates the pressure to "keep it together" to order to belong and participate in the body. Faith verbiage that misses compassion comes from those who can't grieve with you, and sounds like: "God works all things for good..." "Give thanks in all things!" "God needed another angel" "Remember, God is positive" It is not only that these things are ridiculous to say to someone carrying great pain, but they reveal the lack of empathy. The person hasn't connected at with/has forgotten what it would be like to be standing in your shoes... as evidenced by the things like these they are saying. It often reveals they way they themselves are coping with their own pain. Here's a helpful hint: sufferers are most likely to be able to hear hard/true things they may benefit from considering from those who empathize with them . If you haven't felt the pain, cried or mourned with them... it's probably not you. A Healing Reality God is a suffering God. The Bible describes Him as grieving, weeping, comforting mourners, and coming alongside sufferers - to the point of easing their burdens and experiencing suffering Himself. He doesn't put it on a timeline. He lived human struggles and He is not afraid of our mess or our journey. We are called to follow His example. Rather than pushing our own ideas, agendas, and time frames on others, may we truly contemplate being in their shoes. If we are able to authentically say, "I have no idea..." we are closer to actually getting it. Humility makes us safe companions for sufferers. The moral of the story is this: while we can be thankful for the things that help us stay alive and get through for a season, we can't take survival mode as a new way of living... which we so often do. Why We Lose The War With This Mentality While we shouldn't be hard on ourselves for the things we did we did to survive ( enter abundant grace, y'all ), it is also detrimental to our healing and growth to try to "power through" the entirety of our suffering. Impact On Our Health Our body and brain develop loops and patterned ruts that are not only harmful to our overall health, but become increasingly difficult to get out of. Constant stress leads to things like adrenal fatigue, stomach ulcers, anxiety, chronic illnesses, and more. In our attempt to soldier forward and "keep going" in unsustainable patterns, the panic grows, and ultimately, our pain increases. My Lightbulb Moment I was nearly four years into widowhood, carrying the all the needs of my struggling four children. The first few years were intensely dark; I was literally trying to keep myself and one of my children from dying by suicide ourselves. A bit farther down the road, however, I couldn't stop the "go mode" I found myself in. The weight was still so heavy, and I was overburdened but convinced that "this is just how life is now." I remember taking the children to school (my driving had long ago turned into an offensive sport, trying to get four children all the places, in not enough time, by myself), and I realized I had a couple hour window without a task on the calendar. This was extremely rare, as I had very little "free" time. I immediately pulled up my long "To-Do List." What on the list could I get done? I remember feeling panicky as I mapped out a course of stops around town and what I could try to get off my plate before the next calendar event. My second husband-to-be called me at that time (he lived in another state), and when he discovered my time window and the stressful running I was about to embark on, he asked, "Why in the world would you do that right now? You never have any time to yourself. Can you just rest? Find a peaceful place? Have time for something you would enjoy?" I'll never forget that moment. His words, "time for yourself... rest... peaceful... enjoy," seemed to seep deeper into my bones and into my brain. I realized - quite shocked, actually - that four years of living hell later, there were ways I was still doing it in a panic where I didn't need to be . I was so used to stress and chaos and misery that I was missing where I actually could step out of it. In fact, I would be right next to some of those errands later in the week (and with a more efficient opportunity to get them done), but I was about to run the only down time I had away in a needless frenzy. My default was still to keep everyone alive; to keep it all from falling apart. You see, I was still trying to survive. And I had long since lost myself in it. As previously mentioned, we are also surrounded by voices that keep us in "moving on" mode. The bigger issue is that we don't realize there is a gentler and better way, and that we can choose not to surround ourselves with these same voices and same people. The Vicious Cycle... And It's End Point Press on. Give more. Keep going. Don't Stop Pushed past our own limitations and in overwhelm, we collapse. Then the shame hits. We are a failure. Due to the needs around us and the internal and external pressures discussed previously, we clean ourselves up as much as we can to be presentable to others. You see, without safe people and places, we can't show how broken we still are . We jump back into the cycle of trying to manage it, never really getting to the deeper healing. This cycle ultimately keeps us helpless, hopeless, and disempowered. How To Win The War The answer lies in learning to be softer with ourselves, rather than becoming bulletproof. Though we would prefer complete relief from suffering, the only way through that leads to healing is honestly naming and feeling your heartache. Safe connection/witnesses with you in your pain are also key to growing rather than becoming crippled. Can you accept your humanity? You are imperfect, and limited... especially right now in the midst of the struggle. Is that ok? It is! Actually, it must be for you to get through . Another key is to lay down the panic, the defenses, and the fears, and dare to dream . Dare to reimagine your future and find purpose in the "new" you are rebuilding . You have a lot more power to do things that bring you life, even in the midst of darkness, than you may realize. In the first (and worst) years after Andre's death, in the midst of doing nothing but surviving with the children, I would have a yearly get away to the warm ocean. I can't even describe what it did for me. I was so low that I felt cold in my soul as well as my body. Going there warmed me all over and through. It brought me hope and peace and joy I was out of touch with for so long. I had the help of people to get there. And it was SO worth it! If your life wasn't over (because it's not), what would you want it to look like? Probably less like a war zone, and more like coming home. You can create that place, and you are creating a new you. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

The Slide Into Crisis Everyone starts believing it will never happen to them. From childlike innocence and zest for life, to the ambitions and dreams we develop, we all start with the inability to relate to wanting life to end, let alone acting on it. But somewhere along the way, we experience things like suffering, trauma and pain. Whether it is tragedy, or just the process of aging into the overwhelm and exhaustion that life can bring, we find ourselves feeling burned out, powerless to change things in our lives, or even hopeless. It is in this place without hope that we go from a person who would "never do that," to feeling like "I just can't do this anymore"... perhaps even to battling thoughts of suicide. We know it is not only happening, but growing- everywhere. Global statistics show someone dies by suicide every 43 seconds- which is 740,000 deaths annually. And the number of attempts each year is even higher. Still, when we begin the downward spiral, it may be hard to recognize it, and it can look different on the outside (or not be outwardly shown). But inside, there may be feelings of numbness, anger, or sadness which become overwhelming. We may or may not have a diagnosis like depression or anxiety, but we still may experience them. At some point, the thoughts of ending our life can enter in. It's also hard to be honest with ourselves (we deny, minimize or ignore), and even harder to be honest with other people. The fear of judgment, the stigma, or the potential repercussions of opening up might be holding you back. You might feel that no one is safe to confide in, leaving you isolated in your pain.​ At some point, the journey of life may feel insurmountable. And we need to recognize this is actually a very common, and very dangerous, human experience. Reaching Out Before the Crisis Peaks The suicidal progression is: Thinking about it Contemplation of the idea It becomes an actual possibility It is a potential solution It is our only way out/option Entertaining suicidal thoughts may lead to either ongoing planning, or only acted on impulsively. But studies show the acute crisis period where suicide is attempted is often only minutes or hours long. While the struggle may be ongoing, few periods of acute crisis last more than a full day. In this time frame (speaking from personal experience of my own attempts), you are not in your right mind. During one of my attempts, my entire body was shaking uncontrollably, my heart was pounding (to the point of hearing it in my ears), and I was vomiting in distress at my suicide site. Although my mind was disconnected, set on what I was going to do to end my pain, it was like my body, in a very primal survival way, knew- and didn't want to die. I was out of my own mind. What we do before this intense, brief crisis is critical. Because in moments of intense suicidal distress, our ability to make clear decisions diminishes, and the risk of irreversible actions increases. It's crucial to understand that help is within your grasp, and it's best to seek it before reaching a full-blown place where suicide attempts are made. Now , before you are inches or moments from suicide, is the time to grab hold of the lifelines available to you.​ Remember, you are worth whatever it takes to stay alive: any and all time, money, effort, or other resources invested in your safety and healing. Your life is precious, and there is hope and help beyond this pain. Your Lifelines & Healing Supports Whether you are in or near crisis, or just realizing that you need to make changes in the low place you find yourself, here are some tangible, practical steps that can help: 1. Access Immediate Support If you're in crisis or need someone to talk to, immediate help is available, and it was created for you and for this moment :​ Call or Text 988: The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline offers free, confidential support 24/7. By calling or texting 988, you'll be connected to trained counselors who can provide emotional support and resources. ​ Seek Local Crisis Services or go to In-Person Facilities: Search online for "behavioral health urgent care," "mental health crisis services," or "acute mental health services" and include "near me." You can get the help equipped to provide immediate, in-person assistance.​ [For my friends here in Colorado: contact Colorado Crisis Services at 1-844-493-8255 or text “TALK” to 38255. They offer immediate support for mental health, substance use, or emotional crises.] 2. Establish Long-Term Support Beyond immediate crisis intervention, setting up ongoing support is vital:. Remember, this is the window to prevent the slide into crisis. Find a Therapist/Counselor that it a good fit, that you can afford: Here is an easy and quick way to do it! Visit the Psychology Today website and click on "Find a Therapist." Or click HERE Enter your city / state, then use filters to narrow down options based on insurance, price, and specialties. Simply begin making calls and leave messages for those that interest you to see where you can get in. If a therapist isn't the right fit, keep searching. Your healing journey deserves your persistence! I repeat: You are worth whatever it takes to stay alive: any and all time, money, effort, or other resources invested in your safety and healing. Your life is precious, and there is hope and help beyond this pain. 3. Develop a Personalized Self-Care Plan ( this is prevention !) Self-care isn't a luxury; it's a necessity. It's about engaging in activities that uplift your spirit and nurture your well-being.​.. and ultimately make life livable, and even enjoyable. So take a couple minutes, give yourself a little thought, and write a few things down to implement. Identify Mood Elevators: Reflect on what helps uplift your mood, body, and mind. This could include prayer, journaling, walking in nature, or listening to uplifting music.​ Ask yourself: what has helped before? Include the things you love to do and the things you may not, but are a "yes" to helping you. List Safe Support Contacts: Who do you trust that can reach out to when you are very low and struggling? Someone that feels safe to you. It helps you both to tell them about some of your struggles (including any thoughts of suicide) ahead of time and get their agreement to be available. This way, when you reach out to them, they can provide you the best, informed support. Write it down: By creating this plan, it not only helps you to actually complete fully it (so it's there before you need it), it also serves as a tangible reminder of help and hope. It will also be easily accessible when things start to get dark. Final Encouragement Dear friend, your pain is valid, and your struggles are seen. In the human experience, we will navigate pain, suffering, and overwhelm. But it need not take us out. I want you to know that healing, hope and an abundant life are still possible for you (yes, you!). And you are not alone on this journey.​ Take the first step today. Reach out, seek support, and embrace the path toward healing. Your life matters, and your story isn't over yet. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Have you been on the receiving end of hurtful comments or unsolicited advice as a widow? Or have you ever been asked questions that were hurtful, angering, or that left you flustered or confused in how to respond? I vividly remember one question I received. My husband had just died by suicide, and I happen to see this come through social media: "Hey Rachel, sorry about Andre but I was curious, would you tell me more about how he killed himself?" Full stop. So many visceral feelings happened at once. I felt shocked, horrified, and angry... and I couldn't detect any true empathy. This person would not be walking alongside me to support me more deeply with that information. It felt like shameless curiosity for the horrific details. Too many widows have to navigate how to respond to insensitive questions and commentary, often when they are already foggy and struggling. They can hurt right where you are often vulnerable and unprepared. You might be tempted to get upset, react, and end up regretting it later (the Spirit is faithful to tap on our hearts). My biggest regret is actually the wasted time and energy mulling it over and being aggravated- because I've found another way to respond that keeps my peace. The truth is those questions and remarks (or dreading them) doesn't have to control you... Even in places of raw widowhood pain. Because that would be giving your power away to someone else. The Lord has given us a Spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). You can respond with peace and confidence. It's challenging, but possible. Let’s talk about how. Your Mindset Protects Your Heart, & Your Peace No matter what someone says — even if it’s completely out of line — you get to decide how to respond. You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t have to spiral or stay stuck in pain. Believe it or not- you don’t have to get offended. You don't have to react. Instead, you can stay grounded. Calm. Peaceful. Spirit-filled. You can answer (or not answer) with confidence, because your worth, healing, and journey need not be controlled by outside forces (whether ignorant or with intention to harm). Now, let me clarify: This doesn’t mean it shouldn't hurt. It doesn't mean you are to be a doormat or to be silent. The Lord encourages boundaries, and there are ways to use your voice to protect yourself, educate ignorance, and shed light on truth... But these things done from a Holy Spirit filled place will be most life-giving and effective. Not allowing insensitive comments and questions to control you means you hold the power to manage yourself- so you are not a victim of life happening to you. It's rooted in changing beliefs about yourself and the empowerment of the Spirit through you. The shift happens when we move from reactivity to intentional ownership of your story. Doing so with the Spirit leads to confident responses, even in widowhood messiness. Three Practical Steps to Respond with Confidence 1. Decide Some Possible Replies, Now One really helpful tip is to consider some of these answers and boundaries beforehand : What are you okay sharing about your story, and what is private to you? What are some possible responses: No answer at all? "I don't feel comfortable sharing about that." "You may be trying to help, but this isn't helpful for me right now." "When people say that, here's what I'd like them to know...." "The Lord is guiding me through these decisions for myself." Can you decide now that when you encounter a hard question or comment, you will start with a deep breath as you consider what go-to reply to draw from rather than reacting? While there is no "right" way to respond to some of the input of others in our widowhood, we do know that we can respond in a wrong, flesh-filled way (especially in our pain!). When you have already decided what you do and don't want to share, and even have some possible responses, it can prevent you from losing your own peace and reacting in anger. Clarity ahead of time helps you stay anchored when words catch you off guard. As I like to say, "Predictable is preventable." 2. Don’t Get Stuck In Judging Motives & People Insensitive words may come from anyone: a well-meaning loved one or acquaintance, someone driven by uncomfortable curiosity, or even someone else who is grieving a loss. Sometimes, other grievers are reaching for connection or are trying to help. People may fumble with words, but genuinely care. Sometimes they are ignorant or oblivious. And sometimes, yes, it might even be meant to hurt you. While the reason behind it may or may not be clear to you, I encourage you not to get lost in evaluating or assuming motives. Remember, you don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to. But also — you don’t have to armor up in suspicion or get defensive about your grief (hint: it only causes you more distress). When you stay open (with boundaries), you create space for compassion and connection without losing yourself. This leads into the most powerful action step... 3. Stay Grounded and Unoffendable — Because You Have the Choice This is a coaching principle and mindset shift that changed my life and brought freedom. Because: You get to own your thoughts, your reactions, and your power — no matter what anyone else says or does You have power and choice over whether these interactions ruffle or rock you, or whether you let them roll off You are not a victim of their words. You are not a prisoner of their questions. You don't have to experience the feelings of offense just because someone says something out of line. Again, I want to clarify that this isn’t about denying that it hurts or may even have been wrong. It’s about holding Holy Spirit strength in the moment — choosing true thoughts and beliefs that allow you to respond from a place of empowerment, instead of being pushed out of the Spirit by other people. Coupled with forgiveness, and that is where you become unshakable. Rooted. Centered. Free. And here’s what’s beautiful: this doesn’t mean you’re perfect or unaffected. It just means you’re living from your true self — Christ and Holy Spirit-filled, connected to God the Father, and no longer tossed around by the words or actions of others. Don’t Lose Yourself in the Hurt I could be offended, but it has taken time to learn I could also be unoffendable. Somewhere along the way, I stopped letting the questions and commentary put me into defense or counterattack as a widow. I stopped giving my peace away. And as I leaned into the Lord's mercy for my failures, I could allow His forgiveness to pass through me and over their insensitivity. You have that same power. It doesn’t mean that the pain disappears in this life — but it does mean that brokenness no longer needs to take over your control center (as a powerful, Christian widow that you are!). Your grief may still be raw, and your flesh may be weak. But the Spirit is strong. You can be healing and mighty. Vulnerable and grounded. With you, Rachel Pssst! I know the implications of living unoffendable and empowered by the Holy Spirit has profound implications in all areas of life, and it is also an ongoing work. If you want to connect to grow in this area, I welcome you into our Christian widow community, The HOPE Stronghold, or to engage even deeper in this heart work, through 1:1 Coaching with me. 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

From the Same Soil... When you lose your husband, there is no escaping the giant hole that is left in their absence. It is something we continue to navigate year after year. At the same time, the holidays roll in, mercilessly expecting "cheer" from you (along with some of the people around you). At times we feel the incongruence (or the inability) to be joyful in the valley of grief we may be in. It is, in fact, important to be honest in widowhood about our struggles and pain (with safe grief companions) in order to remain authentic and to have the chance at a real journey forward. Also, research has shown the power of gratitude in the brain to rewire paths for thankfulness. Gratitude has been shown to connect Relational Circuits in our brain to God and other people. And, we don't want to circle the drain of grief and get stuck in the dark places, because there IS a path forward into goodness. The truth is, there must be room for both our grief and gratitude. What if the goal was not to avoid any sadness and "just be thankful"? What if we also didn't have to be swallowed in the pain of our loss? What if gratitude and grief were equally important pieces of the landscape growing in the soil of us ... of our hearts? And both could be watered by our honest tears? We can navigate Thanksgiving's grief and gratitude with authenticity, and HOPE! The Grief My first Thanksgiving as a widow was full of grief. I do remember the grace of sharing time with people that I loved... However, I also needed to mourn. As a very deep feeler, the weight of my late husband's death by suicide hit me incredibly hard. On Thanksgiving day, I went to the place where he died, though it was cold and lonely, and I grieved for him there. I wept for the man, the love, the life that I had lost. Knees in the snow, shivering with cold, I spoke with God, raw and honest, about it all. And in my devastation, He met me. Before I left, I was able to draw a heart in the snow where I knelt. This year, I will walk through my 7th Thanksgiving without him. What I have learned is that grief cannot be completely controlled, but we can grieve, heal and rebuild with HOPE... and in this process, be equipped to handle other experiences of grief ahead of us. When we are able to feel all of the feelings (anger, sadness, pain, shame, etc.) in safe places (with the Lord and a few others), we can actually begin to metabolize the pain that our bodies, minds, and souls are carrying. This opens more space to see and receive the blessings we do have around us, with gratitude. It cannot happen, however, by simply attempting to bypass our grief in the name of "choosing joy." The platitudes (in the name of faith or in general) can never change the heart or remove the grief. The Danger of Limitless Grief A word of caution I have for other deep feelers and authentic grievers of tragedy... Grief still needs limits. The place my husband passed by suicide became a place of despair as I spent a lot of time and focus there. While it is important to walk the path of bereavement honestly, we do need to take steps when hopelessness begins to consume us. Pain, suffering and death do not have the victory nor the final word, and the Bible says we are completely different from the world, in that we can truly "grieve with HOPE" (1 Thess. 4:13). Here are a few Thanksgiving survival tips for grievers: You are not obligated to attend activities that aren't helpful, but don't isolate completely. Make a plan (for instance, RSVP "maybe") and keep it flexible for your needs. Spend the Holiday(s) with those who are safe, empathetic, and whom you truly feel supported by (don't fear asking them for connection time). Include life-giving and self-care activities in your schedule (some of mine were salt water floats, making music, time in nature and with friends). Have/make a list of the people you can reach out to if it's getting too dark (asking them ahead of time may help you both be more prepared in a time of need) Find a local grief, widow, or suicide support group with others who "get it" (Christian widows are my people!). The Gratitude Did you know the Lord led me to begin sending a family Thanksgiving card each year after my husband died? Though it wouldn't have been my idea of good timing, it ended up being a grace to me . Above is the back of our first one. Why is gratitude a critical part of our life and experience, even in grief? Focusing on what we are thankful for has been shown to reduce stress, anxiety, and positively impact our physical and mental health in a variety of other ways... and there's no doubt we need that in our experience of suffering. It is also a way that we heal, find purpose, and keep from becoming myopic in our pain. Because grief isn't all that is left for us in the story the Lord is writing. Gratitude can be a list of reasons to keep living, healing, or moving forward to the next step. After my husband died, my children and I began a practice of thankfulness, where on the way to school, the five of us would each take a turn listing three new things we were thankful for. I did my best to keep it fun, and the fact is though some days it felt empty, on most it would set a lighter tone, and even bring smiles and laughter. Even if gratitude feels like an internal battle, let me encourage you that it is worth fighting for! My Hope for You, Sister This Thanksgiving, may you be able to experience any grief and gratitude in an honest and healthy way. They are both part of the experiential journey. May you release those who do not understand, honor your own limits, and find ways to express both your pain and your joy. They are both there. May they be tenderly held. With you, Rachel P.S. If you are looking for safe, honest healing spaces in grief, that still have forward movement, you are in the right place, sister! Here are two powerful, proven steps to grieve, heal, and rebuild in HOPE: The HOPE Stronghold : A private, online Christian widow community to connect, pray and grow together. 1:1 Christian Widow Coaching : Individualized support rooted in faith and evidence-based practices to guide you through to the changes or transformation you are wanting. 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!