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When we are in the wake of tragedy, and all we see is loss, it’s hard to believe anything good could ever come for us again. I know the weight of hopelessness—to the point of attempting suicide after my husband died by the same. I understand what it feels like to have your life stolen from you in a way that seems unrecoverable. And while true grief- acknowledging our very valid pain and losses- is a vital step in our grief journey, it's not the final destination . Healthy grief actually does have a forward movement, where you incorporate loss into your life but you don't stop living it . When grief becomes a whirlpool of pain we circle that keeps leading to rock bottom, we're in a bad cycle. We often get stuck repeatedly looking back and only wanting/trying to live the old life we had. But here’s the truth that isn't named enough (because if we're honest, we grievers don't want to hear it): You won’t recover the same life. How could you, when he will never again be in it? However, that doesn’t mean your life is over. If we still want hope, joy, and a life we can love again, we must be willing to shift our gaze and look ahead to the possibilities of our future. Sister, there is a ground underneath you that does not shake. It is the promise of resurrection—not of what was, but of a new thing the Lord will do in, through, and for you. Doing CPR on a Life That No Longer Exists After loss—especially the traumatic, gutting kind that comes with widowhood or suicide loss—so many of us get stuck in grief. It impacts who we become, and the entire rest of our lives. We’re not trying to rebuild; we’re often busy performing CPR on our former life. Forgive the metaphor if it is triggering to you, but I find it not only fitting in widowhood, but relatable as a former RN (including ER and ICU Nursing). CPR is performed for resuscitation- trying to revive someone that is unconscious or dead. As widows, we know what it's like to walk in the valley of the shadow of death. Our losses aren't imagined; we feel the realities every day. We grieve our person, the future we planned... The version of life that held our past joy, security, and identity. And so, naturally, we fight to bring that same version back. Both our subconscious and conscious mind wrestle, doing CPR. "What if.....? Would he still be here? If only...." The memories of life with our person we sit with at the bottom of the whirlpool Being in denial, pain, and closed off to future hope Being stuck in anger and defense of our grief But the CPR on our old life doesn't work; unfortunately it can never come back. The problem is when we try to permanently survive in the ruins instead of rising from them. We believe the lie that we’re stuck here forever. That this is all that’s left. That resurrection isn’t possible. But God doesn't ask you to live in the ashes. He invites you to trade them for beauty... God Is Doing a New Thing Here’s what I want you to know, sister: In Christ, death is not the end- resurrection follows. I want you to know that it is coming, for you. It may not look like the life you had before, but it will be life . It will be good . There is a new chapter being written. As painful as it may be to hear: you were never meant to recover what was— you are meant to receive what’s ahead. This isn’t about minimizing your pain or pretending your loss doesn’t matter. It’s about holding the truth that while life as you knew it may be over, your story is not, because it is still being written! HOPE is available to you. Trust/fall back on the coming resurrection of your hope, joy, & future dreams. Death is not the end. It precedes a resurrection that is coming—with certainty. Even if you can’t see it or feel it yet. Even if it feels impossible. We can’t always trust what our dark perceptions are telling us. But we can trust the God who speaks light into darkness. How to Step Into Resurrection Living If you're open to stopping CPR on your old life, and instead taking the loss and growth with you into your new life, here are a few places to start: 1) Name the Deaths You’re Still Grieving Not just your husband, but the dreams, the identity, the future you pictured. Say them out loud. Write them down. Acknowledge what has been lost. We can't skip the early steps of grief. Validating and empathizing with the pain is a place we begin. But it's not the only step... 2) Ask: What If God Wants to Rebuild Something Beautiful? What if your future isn’t a consolation prize (given to last place)—but a new, divinely-authored chapter that could hold as much love, purpose, and joy as the first? What might some of your future hopes and dreams be? A large part of rebuilding starts HERE: Your openness and willingness to receive the future possibilities. If you close off or reject them, you can be certain you will not experience them. 3) Speak Resurrection Truth Over Yourself When hopelessness hits, declare what's real. Here are some powerful Biblical truths for widows: "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." -Isaiah 43:19 "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." -Psalm 27:13 "So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten... And it shall come to pass afterward that... I will pour out My Spirit in those days." -Joel 2:25, 28-29 "For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality." -1 Cor. 15:52-53 "But we do not want you to be uninformed about those who [have passed away], that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope." -1 Thess. 4:13 4) Take a Step What would taking a step toward embracing hope look like for you? Maybe it means allowing yourself to get excited about future desires. Maybe it means taking a first step toward a new dream. Maybe that means investing in yourself through coaching with me or another widow coach. Maybe it just means getting super honest in prayer. But take one small step forward. Time to Shift The repeated moments I stopped trying to live in my old life and finally allowed myself to open to what might still be ahead, changed everything. It was not in denial. Not in forgetting. But in faith. And something shifted. Sure, it was scary! And it didn’t make the pain disappear. But it made space for the possibility of joy, peace, and HOPE. Friend, there is more ahead for you. It will not always be the way it is right now. He is faithful to you. And your story isn’t over yet. With you, Rachel Our Family HOPE Shop *In case you didn't know* One of my girls and I hand-design tangible reminders of hope... because we needed to see them in every one of our darkest days after losing Andre. The HOPE Shop exists to help other people in their dark days. Whether for you or as a gift, our items made with love (tote bags, mugs, shirts, hats, stickers and more) are a reminder of truth and HOPE. Plus, every purchase supports the work we do for widows and suicide prevention. It doesn't get better than that! Start shopping and Join the Movement of HOPE! 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Here’s some raw dialog that I’ve heard many times—in my own head and from many of my widow sisters who desire to marry again someday: "I'm too old/ugly/broken/unstable now... No one will want me anymore." Every human has lie-based beliefs to battle. Widows are no exception. After a bomb has gone off in your world, your life, your children, and even in your brain—everything feels messy . You're overwhelmed with the fog of grief, losses upon losses, and the burden of keeping it all afloat. You may see your life (and perhaps yourself) in shambles. You feel broken. Inadequate. Perhaps even ruined. You judge yourself as "too much." Too unstable. Not good enough. Not healed enough yet. And that belief—that no one else will want you—"protects" you from further hurt by cutting off hope at the root. The problem is that these lies, and our fear of rejection and disappointment, shape how we feel about ourselves. And how we feel drives what we do (or don’t do). We stop dreaming. We shrink back from connection. We stay stuck in the same patterns. And ultimately, these lies/myths severely limit us in co-creating our own future with the Lord. The Truth Will Set You Free Let's get real. "No one else will want me" is a straight-up lie from the pit of hell. How do I know? First, because the One who knows you best says shame is a liar. Also, I (and so many others) struggled with that lie, and then actually experienced the opposite. Many widow sisters with messy, complex stories have found deep, godly love and second-chapter (or even third-chapter!) marriages full of life. We judge ourselves through the harshest lens—but the truth is a man of character, faith, and depth won't see us that way. And what if a man looks at your grit, perseverance, bravery and faith- and does see you as your self-hating fears describe? He’s not the kind of man you want. Anyone who would catch a glimpse of the hard and run isn't the kind of man we desire, want or pray for. So, if you wouldn’t even want someone who sees you the way you harshly see yourself... Why let those thoughts root your identity and influence your decisions in dating and remarriage in widowhood? We may agree intellectually that how we treat ourselves and what we believe attracts others who are aligned with the same view. However, it takes a deeper resolve to actually change something: to change our thoughts of ourselves. It is time to change your own mind , so you can live from a place of confidence, clarity, and empowerment. We want to be the women and moms who are healthy, grounded, faith-filled, and whole, so we can choose men who are the same. If your heart feels ready to believe again—even a little—here are some practical steps to help you shift your thinking and step toward healing and hope. Shifting to Truth - Replace Lies, Limits, and Lack 1) Get Clear on the Lies and Limiting Beliefs Get out paper and a pencil (I'm serious) and start by writing down the fears, the wounds, the statements that keep you stuck. Don’t filter. Let it be raw, and what you have truly thought or said. While I have already given some examples, here are a few more : "No one would step in for my broken children and love them." "My husband abandoned me—everyone else will too." (I struggled with this as a suicide widow) "All the good ones are taken. I'm too late." Bring it all into the light. Name it. 2) Challenge and Replace Every Single One Now, tear down lies one by one. Don't skip this with an eyeroll and intellectual assent. Each of the beliefs you wrote down are coming up for you from deep places, and will continue to unless you address them. Ask: Is this actually true ? (NOT, "does this feel/seem really true to/for me?") Invite the Holy Spirit to speak. Literally ask Him: "Lord, I am believing [insert statement from #1 ]. Is this true? What do You want me to know?" Let Him speak. Don’t over-filter or rationalize. Just receive. Then write the new truth next to the lie. PS- If Scripture comes to mind, anchor yourself in it and write it down. If not, ask the Lord directly as described. Sister, let truth and HOPE begin to rewire your thinking. 3) Return to the Truths/Promises/Statements He Gives You Remember, changing our mindset takes effort and perseverance (unfortunately it doesn't change itself). Revisit these routinely. Speak them over yourself and embrace them! When the lies return, ask yourself: "Who would I be without this thought?" "How would I act if I truly believed what the Lord has given me instead?" Let these truths shape your posture, presence, and decisions. Let them speak into your dating journey, how you carry yourself, and the kind of man you will welcome. My Offer to You - New Thoughts, New Self 🤲 "...be transformed by the renewing of your mind." -Romans 12:2 As you walk this journey, here are some truths you may choose to adopt: I am valuable, worthy, and cherished as a daughter of the High King. Widowhood doesn’t disqualify me. The right man won’t be afraid of my story. I will not settle out of fear, loneliness, or scarcity. I am not desperate. I am divinely led. My children are a blessing, and the right man will see them as such. I will be a gift to his life, and the right man will receive me as such. I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I am open to what that looks like. I choose a posture of surrender. I trust God to author my next chapter. Sister, You are not unwanted. You are not too much. You are not too late. You are deeply seen and deeply loved. And when you live from that place, it changes everything. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

I vividly remember the curt message. My husband had just died, and although most social media messages went unseen—for years—I did see this one (lucky me 🙄). To be clear, I didn't have an issue talking about his death by suicide, as I have always felt strongly about breaking the stigma and being an advocate of prevention. But this message wasn't an opportunity for either of those things. "Hey Rachel, sorry about Andre. I was curious, would you tell me more about how he killed himself?" Full stop. So many visceral feelings happened at once. I felt shocked, horrified, and angry... and I felt it physically in my body. I couldn't detect any true empathy. This person and I were connected as Facebook friends from many years ago (with no contact), and they would not be walking alongside me to support me more deeply with that information. It felt only about their shameless curiosity for the horrific details (and I never heard anything else from them). I am thankful that I closed the message and did not reply in that moment (or at all). But I wasted time and energy mulling it over and being aggravated. While I have been open about so much of our story, I have not yet felt those kinds of intimate and devastating details needed sharing. If you’re a widow — especially a suicide widow — you’ve probably faced questions like this. They come in hot and fast, while your brain may still be in the fog of grief: "How did he die, exactly?" "Where did it happen?" "Were you the one who found him?" The questions can hurt right where you are often vulnerable and unprepared. You might be tempted to answer in your shock and regret it later, or perhaps, to get upset and react. But the truth is, you don’t have to let those questions control you... even in places of raw pain. You don’t have to give your power away to someone else. You don’t have to dread rude questions/comments nor react to them. You can respond with peace and confidence. Let’s talk about how. Your Mindset Protects Your Heart, & Your Peace No matter what someone says — even if it’s completely out of line — you get to decide how to respond. You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t have to spiral or stay stuck in pain. Believe it or not- you don’t have to get offended. Instead, you can stay grounded. Calm. Peaceful. You can answer (or not answer) with confidence, because your worth, healing, and journey need not be controlled by outside forces. This doesn’t mean the questions don’t hurt. It means you hold the power to manage yourself- so you are not a victim of life happening to you. The shift happens when we move from reactivity to intentional ownership of your story — and that shift starts now. Three Practical Steps to Respond with Confidence 1. Decide What You’re Comfortable Sharing, Now One really helpful tip is to consider some of these answers and boundaries beforehand : What are you okay sharing, and what is sacred or private to you? How do you want to answer questions about the cause of death, especially suicide? What are some possible responses- no answer at all? "I don't feel comfortable sharing about that." "His name was , and he was much more than how he died." "That's not public information." etc. Some suicide widows feel called to speak out and reduce stigma. Others want to grieve quietly without explaining the trauma over and over. While there is no right way, having clarity ahead of time helps you stay anchored when the questions catch you off guard. When you have already decided what you do and don't want to share, and even have some possible responses, it can prevent you from losing your own peace and reacting in anger. 2. Don’t Get Stuck In Judging Motives & People Insensitive questions may come from anyone: a well-meaning acquaintance, someone driven by uncomfortable curiosity, or even someone else who is grieving a loss. Sometimes, other widows are reaching for connection. Sometimes, people fumble with words but genuinely care. And sometimes, yes, it’s just nosy curiosity. While the reason behind their question(s) may or may not be clear to you, don’t get lost in assuming/evaluating motives. Oftentimes, even if they are rude, they are often ignorant/oblivious rather than trying to hurt you intentionally. Remember, you don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to. But also — you don’t have to armor up in suspicion or get defensive about your grief (hint: it only causes you more distress). When you stay open (with boundaries), you create space for compassion and connection without losing yourself. This leads into the most powerful action step... 3. Stay Grounded and Unoffendable — Because You Have the Choice This is the coaching principle and mindset shift that changed my life and brings freedom. Because: You get to own your thoughts, your reactions, and your power — no matter what anyone else says or does You have power and choice over whether these interactions ruffle or rock you, or whether you let them roll off You are not a victim of their words. You are not a prisoner of their questions. You don't have to experience the feelings of offense just because someone says something out of line. This isn’t about denying that it hurts. It’s about holding Holy Spirit strength in the moment — choosing true thoughts and beliefs that allow you to respond from a place of empowerment. That is where you become unshakable. Rooted. Centered. Free. And here’s what’s beautiful: this doesn’t mean you’re perfect or unaffected. It just means you’re living from your true self — the one tethered to the Holy Spirit, connected to God, and no longer tossed around by the insensitivity of others. You Don’t Have to Lose Yourself in the Hurt I didn’t know I could be offended, but also be unoffendable . But somewhere along the way, I stopped letting the questions and commentary put me into defense or counterattack. I stopped giving my peace away. You have that same power. It doesn’t mean you can't feel hurt or that the pain disappears — but it does mean those things no longer need to take over your control center. Your grief may still be raw. But your Spirit can be empowered. You can be healing and strong. Vulnerable and grounded. With you, Rachel Pssst! Don't forget, my widow workshop: Navigating Grief and Growth is THIS Saturday! May 31, 2025 Time: 1:00 - 2:00 PM EST Workshop location: Virtually on Zoom 👉 Click here to view details and save your seat 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

You know that feeling when you’re trying to keep your head above water—but the waves keep crashing harder? For many widows, life can feel like that... for a long time . Why? Because tragedy, grief, and ongoing losses train you to brace for impact. You live in survival mode so long that it becomes normal mode. Normal in your day-to-day, normal in your brain wiring, normal in your language and actions... But did you know that we can become silently trapped in patterns that keep us stuck... and we don't even realize that we can change it. It's like living as though you are still in a hurricane when the waters have calmed. You're not broken—you’re human and have been doing what you need to do to get through. But you are also exhausted from surviving. For some of us, it's time to look up and realize there are lifelines not just to live through it—but also to move beyond it. When Survival Mode Becomes Our Prison If you’ve ever felt like you’re operating on autopilot—doing what needs to be done, avoiding triggers, going numb just to get through the day—I get it, too. This is called survival mode, and it’s not your fault. Survival mode is a God-given response designed to help you endure the unthinkable. It shields you in the short-term. But when we proceed to live the rest of our lives there, it can quietly become our prison: You constantly brace for the next problem You expect, watch for, and speak pain over your life You stay isolated because healing feels too far out of reach You repeat unhealthy ways of coping (which ironically keep you barely hanging on) And here’s the hardest truth: survival mode may have saved you—but staying in it will prevent you from rebuilding. There is a way out—and it starts with noticing when you’re in survival mode and choosing small, powerful shifts to reclaim your story and future. I distinctly remember seeing the below meme early in my widowhood because it was so relatable. While it's humorous, God doesn't just want you to keep surviving. He wants to lead you into HOPE, strength, and new life. We're headed in a new direction. Survival Mode Isn’t Your Forever Home Survival mode is the mental, emotional, and spiritual life raft that keeps us afloat after loss. It kicks in automatically—often without us even realizing it. And in the beginning, it serves a sacred purpose. It keeps us alive in the chaos. But here’s what most widows don’t hear: Survival mode is a raft you can make your new home on... and you don't want to do that! It’s not your fault if you’ve been operating on autopilot—if you’ve felt like you're navigating the grief fog, holding your breath for the next breakdown, or afraid to hope again. This isn’t weakness. It’s wiring. Grief often locks us into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. We over-function or numb out. We avoid. We isolate. We beat ourselves up for not being “further along.” Inside, we're preparing for it all to fall apart again. And over time, this becomes our default. But you are allowed to interrupt that cycle. You need to, sister. As Christians, we believe that God calls us to life—and life abundantly. He gave it to widows, too! And that means the invitation is always open: To grieve, yes—but also to heal. To remember—but also to rebuild. To feel the real sorrow of death—but also live in resurrection. Faith becomes the anchor that steadies you in the hurricane waves. And lifelines—real, practical tools—help pull you back to shore. Let's take hold. Two Lifelines to Move You Beyond Survival Mode Here are two powerful ways to begin identifying and gently interrupting survival mode in your own life: 1) The Power of Reframing Your thoughts are not your enemy—but they often need management and redirection. One of the most healing tools I’ve learned is reframing: looking at the same reality through a new perspective. Identify thoughts that are painful and distressing, or that impact you in a negative way, and then challenge/dispute them. This reinterpretation is incredibly powerful... if we are willing to let go of old thoughts and feelings that "seem" and "feel" so true in and of themselves. While it can be used in a variety of ways, here's just a few examples. That lonely night? Instead of hating and dreading it, view it as a time to invite God into the silence. You can create healing, connecting rituals with the Lord in this time. That trigger-heavy location? Instead of avoiding it forever, you might consider reframing it as a space for sacred remembering and eventual release. I did this with a healing visit to the site of my late husband's death with my new husband, and I no longer dreaded driving in the area. Those thoughts of how life is bereft of goodness? Instead of repeating them, consider, "Who would I be without this thought? What would my life feel like?" Did you know you can choose new thoughts and beliefs, and therefore change the associated feelings/experiences? While these examples won't be fitting for everyone, know that reframing helps shift survival mode into resilience mode. It doesn’t erase your grief—it gives you authority over it (instead of victimization). 2) The Pivotal Point of Deciding There is a point of decision that is a critical reframe for every human that can change them and their future entirely. In widowhood, it is a tipping point from powerless to empowered and from hopeless to hope. It restores you even when so much has been taken from you. It is this: I may not have control of what happened/happens to me, but I can choose what I do with it. You may have heard it like this: "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it." Because while no one can control the ups and downs of life, how you choose to respond is everything . This mindset shift is on the path from barely surviving to actively rebuilding. It’s the bridge from pain to purpose. When you choose to take ownership of your thoughts—without dismissing your grief—you move from being stuck to being free. You get to say: “I can’t change my losses. But I can partner with God in resurrection life again and again.” A Hope-filled Resource for You If you are a widow who is resonating with this message, join me as I partner with Widowhood Real Talk with Tina for this upcoming widow workshop: Navigating Grief and Growth In this workshop, I'll give you some free lifeline resources I've put together, we'll talk more about reframing and the pivotal point of deciding mentioned here, and I'll offer how your relationship with the Lord is the fuel for your future. Date: May 31, 2025 Time: 1:00 - 2:00 PM EST Workshop location: Virtually on Zoom Put it on your calendar quickly (heck, invite another widow sister to join you!) and 👉 Click here to save your seat You don’t have to figure this out alone. Let’s do it together—with Jesus at the center and real HOPE lighting the way forward. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

We are at the end of our three week series on navigating our grief journey in a healthy and redemptive way. Part 1: How to Grieve – Embracing acceptance and true grief. Part 2: How to Heal – Finding support and hope in the grief journey Now, in Part 3, we build on that foundation, and ask the hardest, holiest question yet: “Can I rebuild a life—full of goodness—that I love again?" It takes courage to ask that. It takes even more to believe the answer might be yes , for you . When my husband passed away, I felt that my life was over, too. Love, joy, and hope were out of reach (and out of my day-to-day experience). For years of my widowhood, I didn’t dare to truly dream again. I had accepted that my hollowed-out version of life after my husband’s suicide was all that remained for me. My experience was one of suffering (pain without hope), and I actually rejected the things my soul wanted deep down: A life full of possibilities, goodness and abundance. I felt it was a betrayal of my husband/my love for him, and I self-protected from further loss and disappointment by closing off to restoration. Additionally, so many circumstances continued to be hard that I threw my hands up, pitched a tent in the valley of the shadow of death, and received it as my new home. If any of that feels familiar, you’re not alone. Many widows get stuck there... which in turn shapes our continued reality, rather than the blessings and promises of God. The empowering truth is we are participating in the creation of our life as we know it now (not entirely, but in large part). And, I offer you this hope: there is more available to us, if we are willing to receive and rebuild it. The Quicksand: Limiting & Lie-Based Beliefs It’s easy to believe that our life "after our person" will never measure up to before. We settle into lack, accepting loneliness and pain as permanent companions. We tell ourselves we’ll never be happy again, never thrive again, never feel fully alive. But what if I told you a neurobiological reality- that your own mind is largely creating your experience? That by believing you’re stuck in a shadow of your former life, you’re unintentionally staying stuck? What we think and believe, we act on and live out. If you’re constantly orbiting pain, loss, or disappointment, your brain will keep you in survival mode. It will resist and reject your rebuilding the abundant life Jesus still has for you. Thankfully, as humans, we have the ability to not only evaluate our own thinking, but to change it, and therefore, change our lived experience . Friend, this is not a minimization of your painful reality, nor is it a "name it and claim it," or "woo-woo" concept. It’s an invitation to manage your mind and reshape your life: to rise, to reclaim, to rebuild what is still possible for you ! You are not just meant to survive this life—you were made to co-create something beautiful again with God. You still carry His Spirit within you. That means you have power. You have purpose. And you have access to a life and resources that reflect His goodness, even in the face of devastating loss. We Widows Are Not Victims God didn’t promise us a life free of trouble. But He did promise His presence, His power, and His purpose through it all. I once heard that widowhood is not a curse, it's a calling. As Christian widows, we are not helpless. In fact, we’ve been entrusted with the most sacred of opportunities: the resurrection of our own lives... beauty from ashes with the help of the Holy Spirit. In Christ, we are offered: Hope that’s unshakable Joy that defies circumstances Purpose that doesn’t die when our person does Authority to choose how we show up in our pain Power to live these as tangible realities (not only spiritual ideas) The determining factor in your future is not your circumstances, but your beliefs about what’s still possible. We don't have to accept every thought our brain offers us (especially a brain stuck in suffering). Have you ever considered: who would you be without those hopeless, stuck thoughts/beliefs? When you can change them and learn the power of also shifting your emotional state, it impacts the actions you take. Your entire life can begin to shift. These things are possible for anyone. But, how ? Let me share what I've learned from doing it myself. Practical Steps to Rebuild with Hope 1) Dare to Dream Again You may be terrified to hope again. That’s okay. Fear will show up— but it doesn’t have to be in charge . You can choose to believe that something good is still possible (because it is , friend). Hope is not naïve. Hope is holy. When the enemy whispers, “Your dreams are lost,” reject that lie. God has more for you. Let yourself imagine abundant possibilities. This willingness and openness is the foundation to all rebuilding. Without it, you will continue on your current path. 2) Create a Vision for Your Future Take time to get quiet and ask: What do I want to experience in the next chapter of my life? Is it a new mission or purpose? A new career path? A trip you've always wanted to take? A new healing home for your family? Openness to love or remarriage? New traditions or connections with your family? There are so many possibilities! The point to engage with your tangible future dreams. Invite Holy Spirit in. Write it down. Speak it aloud. And begin to pray circles around these things [shameless plug for you to read the book The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson]! 3) Surround Yourself With Empowerment Don’t try to rebuild alone. Just as healing requires community, growth (especially that which can become exponential) requires the right support. Think of it as choosing a "winning team." If you are going to embark on this endeavor, it's crucial that you invest in the things that are going to get you to success. Choose people—even a faithful few—who believe for your abundant future when you can’t for yourself Seek wise, empathetic counsel: friends who have been with you in your pain, so you can receive their challenges, too Join a group or community that "gets it," but doesn’t just orbit and defend painful grief... they move toward rebuilding Invest in therapy if needed Consider working with a Coach to get measurable results The last one that changed everything for me. I felt that I was a victim, and life just kept happening to me . Coaching helped me go from functioning (and stuck there) to confident, abundant and full of purpose! Coaching isn't just "inspiration." A good Coach can lay out a clear, achievable plan for your rebuilding, and support you along the way through the discouragements and failures, into new thoughts, new beliefs, new feelings, and recreating a life you love again! I 100% believe in it because it transformed not just my life, but many women I now guide. Loving Life Again The life I live now isn’t the same one I had before loss (how could it be, without him?). But it is full. It is beautiful. It is mine to shape and live. And you know what? It didn’t happen by accident. I chose to dream. I created a vision. I surrounded myself with the right support. And I did the holy work of changing my mind, then changing my life. You can too. There is more ahead for you, sister. You can rebuild a life you love again . With you, Rachel PS- If that is your desire, Coaching can help you achieve it. You can set up a consultation here. You are not forgotten. You are not finished. You are just getting started. 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

How do you navigate the grief journey as a widow? We are in a 3 part series looking at steps in a healthy process (and common pitfalls). Last week, we talked about where the journey after loss begins: acceptance and authentic grief. That was step 1 (check it out here if you have not already, because we're building on it today). This week, we move forward to step 2 - healing! Because after our wound is openly and honestly acknowledged, it needs some deep care to mend. ❤️‍🩹 As I navigated the beginning of my grief journey, I was able to identify and end unhealthy numbing/coping strategies... but I also discovered I was stuck in deep grief pain. The pain didn’t lessen with time like the world said it would. I was "functioning"—taking care of the kids, paying the bills, smiling when I needed to. But inside? I was bleeding out. I didn't realize that functioning + the passing of time would NOT = healing ! Deep healing is much more intentional than that, and it's worth the effort and resources necessary. "Healing" is a common term and common desire in widowhood, but few of us seem to find some tangible hand holds to grasp as we navigate the journey. Why is it that so many will experience a significant loss or tragedy, but so few will then become resilient, abundant and hope-filled warriors? Yet I have not only experienced this transformation personally, but work with many women who do, too! I know that it's an available possibility for everyone . Maybe you find yourself in a place of doing what needs to be done, holding it together—but feeling like you're still broken inside. You don't need to stay stuck! Healing is what most grievers want, deep down. But what does that actually mean? We Want to Heal, But We Don’t Know How Many Christian widows find themselves stuck in survival mode or perpetually "hanging in there" without purpose and hope. We’re told that time heals, or that we just need to be strong, or trust God... But our attempts to find some resolution or progress are often unfruitful. We can become disillusioned, bitter, and even more lost. And that? That is not the place God desires for you to accept as "normal," and to stay in. If you feel like you’re scraping by, or just existing... There is a way forward. It won’t erase your grief—but it will  begin to bring deep healing. Healing Comes When We Tend to the Wound The importance of last week's step 1 was to inspect our broken heart in a real and honest way, and this week, we get to look at a plan for treating and mending it. Because trying to function (carrying all that we often have to solo) while bearing trauma, grief, and spiritual heartbreak can deepen that pain. Pain is like the dashboard light on your car. It's not the problem or an enemy; it's an indicator of where you need time, effort and attention to recover. True healing means intentionally: 1) Addressing the places we're wounded, and 2) Not trying to do it alone Addressing our wounds involves examining our honest feelings and thoughts, as well as taking ownership of how we are participating in the creation of our current life experience (and how we can change it! More on this next week). It also involves bringing all these things to safe places where they can be tended to, understood, and healed. We also were never meant to carry this weight in isolation. God designed us for connection—with Him, ourselves, and with others. Deep healing can come when we allow support in: from those who truly understand grief, from safe people who will sit with us in our pain, and most importantly, from the God who draws near to the brokenhearted. Healing is possible, but healing isn’t passive. It’s something we walk out, together. How do we move forward in healing—step two on the journey of grief? If you're ready to press in, here are some real, tangible ways to begin. Your Next Step Toward Healing Here’s what that can look like in real, messy, everyday widowhood: Healthy processing tools like journaling, EMDR, or somatic work to help metabolize your pain in healing ways. Grief support groups, memberships and other forms of community with others who truly “get it,” so you don’t feel so alone. Therapy or trauma-informed counseling to address emotional wounds and gently work through the hard layers of pain. Therapy is a great tool to help take you from non-functional/crisis to functioning. Personalized Coaching that helps you identify where you’re stuck and equips you with tools to take confident steps forward.... often from struggling (but functioning) to thriving! [Shameless Offer- Coming alongside my widow sisters to help them rebuild a life they love again, and change the daily experience of their lives to one of HOPE and power is my jam! If you need support in your journey, reach out to me for a Coaching consult here: Connect@hopespeaker.com ] Rebuilding spiritual connection with God—not just in quiet time routines, but through honest, two-way conversations that open your heart to comfort. (I highly recommend the book Joyful Journey: Listening to Immanuel for some practices on hearing from the Lord). Involving our physical bodies and mental health in our healing with healthy food/fuel, exercise/movement, routine check ups and care, getting enough sleep, etc. Failing to take care of the only place you have to live (your body) can hinder your grief journey more than you may realize. Learning to receive—from people, from God, and even from your own self-compassion. Including these things into your life is possible, and it is worth the work to transform both yourself and your future! You don’t have to figure this all out today. Just take a couple brave steps toward healing. That makes the next ones a little easier! The Pain Is Real—But So Is the Healing I remember when I finally decided surviving, living an unhappy life wasn't what I wanted to accept for my future. It wasn’t a moment of weakness. It was the beginning of deeper healing. The pain didn’t vanish, but I finally had next steps into a doable path forward. And so can you. You’re not failing. You’re not broken beyond repair. You’re simply wounded. And wounds can and do heal—when tended rightly, with care. Healing is not forgetting. Healing is honoring what was lost while fighting for what still can be . You’re not alone, sweet sister. Healing your heart will change the rest of your life. Let’s walk it together. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

"How do I grieve... how do I cope with this loss?" It is a question I not only get a lot, but have asked myself, as a suicide widow. While grief is not a linear process, it is a journey with common steps, and some common pitfalls. This three week series can help you along the way. ❤️‍🩹 I thought I was grieving. I cried. I screamed into pillows. I stared, numb and in disbelief for hours. I checked the boxes that society says count: do the funeral, eat the donated casseroles, keep getting out of bed. But over a year later, when I attempted suicide myself for the second time, I began to realize I had fallen into a dark hole in my grief journey, somewhere. No one ever really told me what grieving actually looked like. Turns out, I was living just one way of becoming stuck in the first step. And we're digging into it this week as part 1 of our grief process: Accepting our new reality, and truly grieving. Grief Pitfalls: Bypassing and Getting Stuck I know it seems so obvious that it's almost laughable, but if the first step in the grief journey is acceptance and actually grieving our losses, the truth is... We're terrible at doing it! It seems ridiculous to say—of course we grieve, right? But I bring this up because real grief is something we often skip altogether, or get stuck in. Both of these have massive impacts on and implications for our grief journey, and our future. 1) Getting Stuck in the Pain One place we feel trapped in grief and loss is when we set up camp in our early suffering, and never move... but live there, instead. We can feel so overwhelmed with despair that we make pain our home, and don't realize there is more to a healthy journey of grief. We believe that we died when they died... and when we hold to this, we don't just experience death—we embody it. The result of this pitfall is living a life that feels pretty much over, done, and miserable. It is devoid of hope, abundance or future dreams. Even though we hate it, we may not realize what we're doing, or don't know how to get out. As an enneagram 4, I am a deep feeler (and not afraid of melancholy feelings!). When my husband died, I went right to the deep end of the grief pool, dove in, and stayed there. For a long time, I thought staying in the pain honored who and what I lost. I didn’t realize that staying stuck there was robbing me of the healing and rebuilding God had for me (the next steps in this blog series-stay tuned!). While authentic grief is valuable, so is its forward movement ... and I was lacking in that. 2) Bypassing Our Losses Another pitfall is when we rush past grief because it’s unbearable. The losses are too great to face. Perhaps, our underlying beliefs ("I am abandoned/unworthy" or "Life is now purposeless/hopeless," etc.) are too painful to even name. We may try to numb or distract ourselves from it—maybe with alcohol, drugs, shopping, food, a new relationship, or just keeping too busy to feel. Numerous addictions and dysfunctions can surface as we attempt to find comfort. Another way we bypass or avoid the grief process is by denial, or dissociating from it entirely. In this case, a person avoids feeling, thinking, or talking about their loss(es) altogether. Perhaps we bypass just because we're trying to survive, keep our kids afloat, or not upset others with our grief process. As I talk to other widows, I hear these common themes: “We’re told to be strong.” “We don’t want to burden others.” “We try to just move on.” In a variety of ways, we give no notice, attention, or time to our bleeding hearts. But by skipping the first step in the journey through grief, we don't actually "jump" to the other side like we may think. It is only another way we get trapped in the pain of grief. 2) Doing Both Oftentimes we vacillate in our grief and do a bit of both bypassing and being stuck (I did). It's part of the human experience to feel pain and loss, and it's part of our human nature to try to escape, and comfort ourselves with the wrong things. And friend, if you’re feeling hopeless, lost, or think you "got over it" without feeling anything—if either of these pitfalls rings true for you—you might be stuck in this very first step. Here’s what you need to know: You can’t move forward into your life and healing if you haven’t truly accepted your losses and grieved. Truly Grieving Now that we know how we avoid it, let's briefly talk about what it means to actually grieve . Authentic grief is not finding the fastest, easiest way through. It’s also not "getting over it." It’s looking at the reality of what you’ve lost—and letting it break your heart . Yes, it hurts. Yes, it takes time. Yes, it’s terrifying. Yes, it’s the bravest thing you’ll ever do. Because an open, broken heart can be healed (festering wounds cannot). Until you face your new reality—both inwardly (what your heart actually feels) and outwardly (what your life now looks like)—you can’t step into healing or rebuilding. This isn’t about wallowing and getting stuck, remember. Because even if you can't sense it, the reality you are accepting does contain HOPE! This is about telling yourself the truth so God can begin to do something with it. Grief doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you loved and lost. And the only way out… is through. How to Begin Grieving Authentically You just need to start with one honest moment... then string more of them together. Here’s how: Feel what you feel. Where is it in your body, and how would you describe it, physically? Allow yourself to sit and feel it. Now, what would you call it? Anger? Numbness? Jealousy? Relief? Sadness? Associate the bodily feeling to the emotion you've chosen. All of them (there's more than one) are ok, and all of them belong. Name what you’re thinking. This can be hard, but try to hold open space for the raw thoughts your brain is offering you. What are you honestly believing? Say them out loud or write them down in a journal. “I don’t know who I am anymore.” “I don't know how to do this life without them.” “I feel like I’m going crazy.” Be honest with God. He can handle you unfiltered. He already knows and loves you, so invite Him into the process. It will feel messy and hard—that’s where healing begins. We’ll talk about the next steps, healing and rebuilding, in the next two weeks, but for now: Just be here. You and the Lord. Opening your honest, broken heart to Him is the first, holy step. The Bravery of Authentic Grief... & Authentic Hope There was a moment, deep in my grief, when I realized I wasn’t just "still very sad"—I was stuck. Despair had settled in so deeply, I didn’t even know how to part from it. One night, sitting in the silence after my kids were in bed, I whispered a truth I’d been too afraid to admit: “God, I still want a beautiful life.” It felt almost wrong to say—selfish, maybe. But it was honest. I didn’t want to stay in the darkness forever. I wanted to laugh again, love again, dream again. And in that moment, I sensed His presence and invitation to move toward it together. I was open to change. That was a beginning for me... trusting that great beauty and joy could still grow from broken places. It can for you, too. With you, Rachel PS- If you could use connection & support getting unstuck, a personalized strategy to help you confidently rebuild a life you love (with HOPE)—that is the clarity that real time Coaching gives! Reach out to me for a free consultation at: Connect@hopespeaker.com 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops and for weekly encouragement!

Have you ever been in a church where the Bible was taught "rightly," but the arrows of its distorted form continued to be sunk into your heart? Arrows that tell you: You are too messy, too broken, too extreme. You are a problem, and don't belong with us. You are disqualified and ineffective. You can't say "No" or have boundaries- you don't even know what they are. You are out of place as a woman, are unsubmissive, and are too loud. Despite having experiences receiving these messages ongoing, it took a long time to sink in that being accused, shamed, and made to be the one in the "wrong," in my attempts to understand or have a voice... wasn't something I could fix. I had loved my church—served in it, trusted leaders, gave my time, my money, and my heart. But somewhere along the way, the gospel I’d heard preached became unrecognizable in the way I was treated. Shame replaced grace. Silence was rewarded more than truth. And my voice? It became a liability. All under the banner of the Bible. So I left. I needed to . Maybe you did, too. Not because you gave up on God. But because the place that claimed to represent Him didn’t look anything like Him, and you weren't safe in its grip. But I want to gently challenge the belief that every church is the same. Because the truth is: Safe, healing churches DO exist, my friend. For me, leaving that church was led by the Spirit and confirmed with wise counsel. And He directed me in my search, through the desert of widowhood and the COVID pandemic, to a safer, healthier church. Your pain is real. But your pain is not the whole story. There is more for you. There is HOPE for you. And there are churches where healing is not only possible—it’s actively pursued. The Cost When the Church Doesn’t Look Like Christ Spiritual abuse and manipulation leave deep wounds... lies about who you are, fundamentally, as God's child and the nature of your relationship with Him. It is a deep betrayal, where the very character of God is distorted through the people that are meant to reflect Him. Maybe you were silenced, gaslit, or shamed for asking questions or following your convictions. Perhaps you were seen as rebellious when you set boundaries, or labeled "difficult" for noticing and naming spiritual manipulation or gender-based oppression. When those who hold power in the church misuse it, the fallout is devastating. Especially when it’s swept under the rug, spiritualized with half-truths, or when your character is called into question to protect theirs. And here’s the thing: It’s not just you. This kind of harm happens far too often. And when leaders fail to acknowledge it, the Body of Christ suffers, and God grieves. The gospel is not displayed- inside the Church, or to the world. The longing for a place of real safety and actual freedom in Christ is not rebellion, it’s discernment. And while it's a normal survival instinct to pull away from deep pain (and stepping away may be necessary for healing), staying in isolation need not be the end of your story. There are churches that are safe and reflect the heart of Jesus. Let’s talk about what they look like—and how to begin healing. What Safe, Healthy Churches Look Like You don’t need a perfect church. (Spoiler: there are none.) But you do need a healthy one. Here’s a few characteristics of them: 1. They Are Honest and Repentant They don’t excuse spiritual abuse, manipulation or mistreatment—from anyone . They name failures, repent on behalf of them, and mourn harm done. Safe churches don’t protect systems, roles or authority—they protect God's people. Especially the most vulnerable. 2. They Empower All Believers to Hear God for Themselves These churches honor the power of the Holy Spirit in every child of God. They believe He speaks, convicts, comforts, and leads—not just pastors, but all people equally. They want you to listen to Him, not just rely on their voice. In fact, they teach (and trust themselves) God's freedom and ability to lead His own people. That is the default (not tight, fear-based management). 3. They Treat Women as Co-Heirs and Co-Laborers They welcome women to speak, lead, teach, pray, and prophesy. Not just in "women’s ministry" (nor requiring men sitting in to "oversee" women's ministry leadership meetings!🚩), but in Kingdom ministry . You’ll see it in how (or whether) they listen to, learn from, and support women. They create space for their full spiritual giftings to bless the church. Here's what I've learned: Whatever the views on women's roles taught as "Biblically correct" from the pulpit, the women will come to know the true position experientially. Especially if your word comes up in contrast with a man's or in marital struggles. If the resulting response does not match up with the words and life of Jesus, it's off. 4. They Don’t Equate Control with Holiness Perfection is not their brand. Instead of focusing on hierarchy, authority, and rules—they focus on love, grace and freedom in Christ (the things that actually change hearts). Leadership walks in humility, not control. Look around: Who makes up the church? Are the messy, broken, and misfits among you? Or is everyone near perfectly "put together" according to internal expectations? What are the "qualifications" to participate in offering your giftings- who is "in" and who is "out"? Are they open to change or growth, or is "this just the way we do things" (end of discussion)? Is authority and obedience in marriage, family and the church held in a white-knuckle grip? This is not to say there is no order and there are no standards whatsoever. But behavioral compliance and made up expectations shouldn't be the goal or the focus of a truly gospel-centered church. 5. They Are Transparent and Accountable Healthy churches don’t hide behind authority structures or spiritual jargon. They also don't avoid hard conversations with the actual people involved, or try to cover up wrongs. They create systems of shared leadership, financial transparency, and external accountability. You’ll know the difference because it will feel safe enough to ask questions. Are you, sister, allowed to question a pastor, and how do they respond? Have you brought a concern, only to be the one wrong/apologizing at the end? Also consider, if someone names harm within or from the church, what is the response/how is it handled? If you’re wondering how to even begin trusting again, know this: healing isn’t a straight line. But every step matters. And it’s okay if this next step is small. How to Start Your Journey Toward Healing 1. Give Yourself Permission for Healing to be a Process For some, entering a church results in a physical trauma response, due to their past wounding. It is very real, and very devastating. You can start with therapy, journaling, or online support. God does not spiritually minimize your trauma. He is patient, kind, and present. 2. Process the Pain With People Who “Get It” You are not alone. Consider a support group or reading testimonies of others who’ve walked through spiritual abuse. There is something deeply healing about being believed and receiving empathy... especially when your wounding involves the opposite. 3. Research Churches That Reflect These Values Look online. Read belief statements. Watch messages. Check for leadership transparency and doctrinal balance. Ask hard questions. Churches that are truly healthy will welcome them. 4. Visit Slowly—and Let the Holy Spirit Lead You don’t have to jump in headfirst. Attend quietly. Listen. Watch. Pay attention to the tone, the power dynamics, and whether people seem free and alive—or burdened and controlled. God does not use loyalties and shame to bring people into a local body, or to pressure them to stay. 5. Don't Quit- Let God Surprise You With Redemption The same God who met you in the wilderness can meet you in community. The very place that wounded you -the Church in general- may also become the place where He brings your greatest healing. That's gospel redemption. Recovery and Redemption Are Real There was a powerful healing and reframing that happened in my heart and life when I found safety, support, and empowerment for women inside the body of Christ in a way I had never known before. God gently led me to a group of believers who weren’t perfect, but were safe. People who mourned my pain. Leaders who didn’t see my voice as a problem, or need to control me. A church that looked and felt like Jesus in some of the deepest ways. A church that valued me and my broken family, and believed we had something to offer right where we were. It changed everything. You’re not crazy for wanting that. You’re not wrong for needing time. And you’re not alone in the process. There is a place for you in the Body of Christ. Not just to attend—but to be known, healed, and strengthened in your walk with Christ. Yes, safe and healing churches DO exist. They are worth finding. And yes, you are a needed part. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

"A Woman Should Be Silent..." I remember trying very carefully to be “measured” whenever mentioning anything that had happened to me (if I mentioned it at all). After all, others knew them, too. I was supposed to speak "honorably"... even of what violated my safety. I tried to be careful. Calm. Restrained. I wanted nothing to come out in anger—even though I was wounded, devastated, and spiritually disoriented. I wanted people to know I was credible. Trustworthy. Why? Because I had already been accused of being the opposite, even as I navigated addiction, betrayal and abuse from others. I had been told my emotions were "too extreme," my motives were repeatedly assumed to be wrong, and my character was questioned by these men in leadership to others in the church. Worse, I had been told to submit, that my boundaries were "sin"... and I felt completely trapped and hopeless. Yet even after the worst of the worst happened, and I found myself a suicide widow, I still had deeply internalized the idea that the “right” way to respond to being mistreated—especially as a Christian woman—was quietly and without disruption. So instead of truth, repentance and safety (things that should characterize the church), I didn't expose the depths of what was happening to anyone, but suffered in silence. Meanwhile, there were meetings and talk where they defended themselves- and discredited me. Even years after, as I began to speak honestly and publicly, I was told it was "gossip," "divisive," and "ungracious." The lies of how to handle what happened to me "rightly" as a Christian woman stole my voice (and part of my healing) for years. And if you’ve been wounded, minimized, or manipulated—especially in a spiritual context—I want to tell you this: There is nothing holy about silence in the face of abuse. There is nothing righteous about pretending it didn’t happen. This message isn’t easy to write (believe me, there have been repercussions). But it is wrong, and it is common, that women are often left carrying this burden and pressure. I know how many have experienced deep harm—and then were expected to handle it in a way that protects the abuser’s reputation, keeps the system intact, and doesn’t rock the boat. But silencing survivors is not seeking unity. Truth shares experience honestly, and seeks true change . And, it's hard to heal what you're not allowed to name. It's More Predictable Than You Think As I've connected with growing numbers of women who have experienced abuse (in various forms) in faith spaces, I've found many commonalities and themes: You’ve been conditioned to believe you are/your reaction is the problem—not the original abuse/violation itself You second-guess your own experience, and you ignore your own intuition You have little to no confidence in the Spirit of God to speak to and lead you clearly: in having boundaries, or saying "No" as a woman... especially if your male authorities are saying something different Your desire is to honor God... and that desire is hijacked to keep you in a place God never called you to be, and enduring what He never called you to endure You go quiet; you try to “respond well” You try to forgive before you’ve even named honestly what happened to you What happened is hidden rather than confessed openly. You feel pressure to protect the image of the church, the leader, the mission— while no one has/is protecting you They may have meetings "for the sake of unity" / their own relationships, where they become the wounded one and the victim has the problems (DARVO acronym) There is rarely public investigation or communication to the whole church, and the victim does not has a voice in these spaces, either As a victim begins to speak out (commonly years after the abuse occurred) she finds increasing judgment, indifference and even contempt I hear the question, "How could this happen?" when major wrongs in the Church have been publicly revealed. Let’s be brutally honest about the answer: In these systems, the abuser/violator is often surrounded by people with more power, more influence, and more loyalty than the victim. They may be well-known (by those who have intimately known them a long time) and are well-loved. The fact that many will refuse to believe this person would do such a thing keeps them from being open to hearing the truth about the things that happened . And many are reluctant to press in, seek answers, or take a stand for anything. They just carry on in the community. This is how it happens, and continues to happen. The emotional toll is devastating. But worse, it’s often done in the name of God. In spiritual abuse systems, as a woman, this is especially intense—because faith communities often confuse their silence with "spiritual maturity." I will say it again: That is not the heart of God. That is spiritual abuse. And it has to stop. Sister, You Were Made to Be Bold- Not Voiceless Here’s what you need to know today, if you’ve been abused, minimized, or gaslit: God is not asking you to quietly carry the burden of abuse. He’s calling you into light, truth, and healing. You are made in the image of God. That means you carry His strength, His dignity, and His voice. You are not the one responsible for protecting the reputation of the people who abused you, were complicit in abuse, or violated your trust. God is your defender—and He is not silent about injustice. Spiritual abuse, manipulation and silencing are sins. Talking about it isn't . If you’ve felt confused about what’s happening to you or how you’re “supposed” to respond, this is your permission to stop trying to do it the “right” way- when defined as being abused or manipulated in silence. The right way is truth. The right way is light. The right way is naming the harm so it doesn’t continue for others. And if the people around you can’t or won’t see that? That’s not your fault. Nor is it your burden. Please note: I have still not named churches or names. I am not attacking; I do not have hate or unforgiveness. That is not what I am advocating for. But, sister, God fights for you and supports the end of abuse and manipulation! Don't Confuse the Position of God May we not forget: Jesus confronted corrupt religious leaders. He exposed the injustice that harmed people in God’s name. He defended the dignity of women. He valued the truth-tellers, not the title-holders. He did not stay silent in the name of "peace." He made holy disruption. And He does not ask you to stay in darkness just to maintain someone else’s comfort. So if you’re wondering, “What do I do with all of this?”—here’s where you start. Your Next 4 Steps Toward Healing and Empowerment 1. Identify What’s Actually Happening If you're unsure if what you’ve experienced is abuse, this may help: If someone repeatedly manipulates / uses Scripture to control you, denies your reality, dismisses your pain, invades your physical or emotional boundaries, or uses their role/power to intimidate you—that is abuse. Spiritual abuse uses God or Scripture to control, harm and shame Emotional abuse includes manipulation, gaslighting, silent treatment, or constant criticism Verbal abuse includes yelling, name-calling, or threats Physical abuse includes any physical harm or intimidation Psychological abuse leaves you unsure of what’s real or afraid to speak God does not call you to live in that. Anything that tries to convince you otherwise is not from Him—it’s a lie of the enemy. 2. Speak UP You are not being “unbiblical” by telling the truth. God gives you your voice. He invites you to speak. The Holy Spirit dwells in you; You are empowered. You are called to be an ambassador—not an appeaser. Here's something crucial I've learned, the more stories I hear: Speaking up isn’t just about you. It’s about exposing darkness and protecting others. You do not have to remain silent to be faithful or biblically feminine. [Interested in more on this? Read my other blogs related to spiritual abuse and the role of women in the church.] 3. Find Support + A Way Out Is there anyone in your life who feels safe? Someone who listens, believes you, and doesn't try to dismiss or downplay what happened? Safe people don't pull away, they protect you. They don’t try to control the narrative (especially when they don't know it). They don’t label you "unforgiving," "ungracious," or refuse to talk with you. They listen with compassion and love—and help you find a way out. If you don’t have that person yet, don’t give up. Keep reaching. You were never meant to do this alone. And if no one around you is safe—I will say this boldly: Get out anyway . You can. There is hope on the other side. Safe, amazing churches DO exist, and they are so redemptive and healing! 4. Know God’s Heart for You as a Woman This is the most powerful, and most empowering, thing of all. God’s heart for you is not submission to abuse. God’s heart for you is not silence, shame, or fear. His heart is safety. Truth. Empowerment. Healing. Restoration. You can hear Him as clearly as men can. You are not “too emotional.” You are not wrong for wanting to be free. The truth sets you free. He goes before you in battle and stands behind you in strength. You don’t have to be afraid anymore. This is true because God loves and protects you as His daughter. Can you imagine the violation happening to your daughter? Can you connect with that heart? That is the heart of your Father, for YOU. Freedom I remember the shift—the day I just told more of the truth. It was scary. There were people who didn’t want to hear it. People who pulled away. But there were also those who leaned in. Those who believed me . There were all the women who had been carrying their own untold stories, who finally felt seen. It made me realize: When you break your silence, you’re not just healing yourself. You’re lighting the way for others. And isn’t that what Jesus did? With you, Rachel ❤️‍🩹 If this post spoke to your heart and you're looking for more hope and healing, reach out to me for a Coaching consult, or to get on the waitlist for our upcoming Hope Stronghold Membership Community! You don't have to do this alone. Connect@hopespeaker.com 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Salt In A Wound: Hurtful Words After Loss I remember the words of a friend on my doorstep, mere days after my husband died by suicide. “You need to be strong, Rachel," she said with a firm nod. I stood there in silence, shocked, and quickly felt the sting; she could not grasp what I was going through. It was meant as encouragement, but it felt like pressure—like I was expected to carry my grief without breaking—and I was already shattered in a million pieces as I stood there. In my years of being a Christian suicide widow, and in connecting with hundreds of other grievers who have had salty words spoken into their bleeding hearts, I know these comments come in many forms: "YOU SHOULD..." [do this/that, stop this/that or feeling xyz] "AT LEAST..." [you're young, he's in a better place/not suffering, etc.] "I KNOW..." [how you feel, or inserts how their pain compares/is worse] Or numerous other commentary, like: "Are you still so sad? You need joy, today." "Everything happens for a reason." "God is in control." Each phrase hits differently, but all of them can leave us feeling unseen, misunderstood, alone, or even guilty for the way we're grieving. If you’ve ever felt the sting of hurtful words after loss, walked away from a conversation with a lump in your throat, replayed the words over and over, wondered how someone could be so dismissive —you’re not alone. But what if I told you that their words have nothing to do with you, or the situation they are speaking into? Not that they don't still hurt, but they can hurt less , and you can guard your peace. This is not going to be your typical grievers blog to plant a flag on the mound of "Can you believe the dumb comments, they suck, no one gets it." Let's heal these wounds, prepare to be unoffendable, and be transformed. The Real Problem: Absorbing Their Statements What if, instead of taking their words personally, we saw them for what they really are: ➡️A reflection of their worldview, not a judgment of us/ours (even if they intend judgement).⬅️ Before you roll your eyes and click away, hear me out : I am not invalidating your pain or the impact words can have. But as a Life Coach, the work I do is empowerment based in love and belief... In this example, to grieve and heal in a way that you aren't tossed about by the commentary of other people. You have decision-making (control) over the impact you let their words have, how painful it is, whether you stew in it... or whether you are at peace. Unoffendable. Do you know that is possible? That is a position of healing, of peace, and of power (yes, you have a grounded voice there). This is the transformative work. When you recognize that their words are about them —their struggles, their fears, their avoidance, their attempt to make themselves feel more comfortable in grief—you can detach. You don’t have to carry the weight of their words. Instead, we recognize their response as a mirror of their own struggles, not a judgment of your healing. Some people rush to fix your grief because they feel helpless and uncomfortable with deep sorrow. Others offer clichés because they haven’t processed their own losses and don’t know what real support looks like. Some downplay pain because they fear what it would mean to truly sit with it—in you or most accurately, in themselves. Some want you to be happy again, and don't know how to help other than trying to push you in that direction. Most people (even those of us who have been through tragedy ourselves) don't have the perfect words or perfect timing (and let's face it, the needs of someone in loss may depend on that day's grief!) Changing our beliefs gives us a perspective of grace and compassion for them  (yes, the salt in the wound people!). That place of love, healing, and wisdom is the only place safe from the pain of offense. We are free from absorbing the offense- we don't have to take it on because we don't believe it means anything about us or our loss. How do we do this, practically speaking? Let That 💩 Go: Beliefs, Boundaries & How to Respond to Hurtful Comments Are you ready for Step 1 in how to handle the insensitive, dumb, and hurtful comments people say to those grieving loss? You already know it, now: 1) Change your beliefs- decide that their words are about them , not you Because it's true. Because it sets you free from pain and bitterness and resentment. Because you have the power to see the way people bump into your pain from a higher perspective. Allow me to repeat what I said above, and let is soak deep: When you recognize that their words are about them—their struggles, their fears, their avoidance, their attempt to make themselves feel more comfortable in grief—you can detach. You don’t have to carry the weight of their words. Instead, we recognize their response as a mirror of their own struggles, not a judgment of your healing. It's not about you, friend, so don't take it on. Let that 💩 go. 2) Boundaries are a gift (not a punishment) Boundaries are essential in grief—not as walls to keep people out, but as safeguards to protect our peace. A boundary is not about controlling others; it’s about deciding where we are going to live, and what we allow into our space. It's keeping ourselves in a place where we can honor God. Boundaries start with acknowledging your feelings internally. By being honest about the sting you feel, being misunderstood or the minimization of your painful experience, you have the awareness you need to make a change- a boundary for yourself and your healing. In this way, you can shape your healing journey rather than being controlled by the responses of other people. In grief, boundaries related to people's commentary may look like: Not sharing the deeper parts of grief with those who bring more pain by their responses Choosing a few empathetic companions who help you heal and grow Lessening contact with those who intentionally bring you harm Limiting negative, judgmental, and shaming feedback you receive about your grief journey Lastly, 3) Responding to hurtful or insensitive comments When you receive one, start with a deep breath and remember # 1 above. ☝️ Ask God for discernment and guidance. Now you're ready. 😅 Here are some simple but firm responses: “I know you mean well, but that actually makes this harder for me.” "Sometimes positivity is actually hurtful. Connecting with my pain is much more helpful." "I feel how I feel. This is grief." "I get to decide that." (When it comes to your own feelings, grieving, and decisions) Educate when appropriate/desired- "Grief doesn’t have a timeline," "Healing doesn't mean forgetting, " "In the suicide community we prefer 'died by suicide' instead of 'committed suicide' or 'killed himself' " No reply at all- if they aren't open to receiving or changing, it might not be worth your effort and it's definitely not worth losing your peace. Healing with Boundaries and Grace Ultimately, your grief journey belongs to you and God—not to the expectations of others. The next time someone makes an insensitive or hurtful comment about your grief, remember: It’s not a reflection of your healing—it’s a reflection of their understanding of loss, and/or their limitations. It's not about you; only your response is. By choosing grace over offense, setting healthy boundaries, and using the power of your own voice, you reclaim your peace, healing, and hope. With you, Rachel P.S. Are you ready to get unstuck from your pain and grief, with individualized 1:1 support? If you are interested in doing the deeper work of healing your heart, and being empowered to confidently rebuild a life you love, reach out to me for a Coaching consult. ❤️ Connect@hopespeaker.com 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

I am in gratitude to Dr. Betsy Guerra for her wisdom and insights included into this week's blog.❤️‍🔥 The Search for Happiness... We all have hunger in our souls... for joy , peace , and hope . And, when we are suffering, for relief of pain . In every season of life, we search for the experiential answers: “When will I find happiness that lasts?” “When will I have peace and rest?” “When will my life just be... good (or good again)?” We work, we wait, we strive—believing that when we finally achieve that goal, find/fix that relationship, or escape this season of suffering, we’ll have what we’re longing for. While we may have seasons where we can take hold of these things, they don't last forever. Perhaps we are hit with tragedy. Our person dies. Suicide becomes a real struggle. We are spiritually (or otherwise) abused. Our dreams shatter. Life doesn’t unfold how we thought it would. And then, hope begins to feel impossible, peace seems out of reach, and joy feels like a cruel joke. The struggles continue, and we need relief... again. Because the problem is, we are all on the search to find fulfillment from circumstances outside of us... and that is why it is an endless search. When we believe that happiness, security, etc. can only come from something or someone outside of us, we will live in constant lack. We have created our own ball and chain of dependence on a source that will always fail us or that we will end up losing. And here's an important side note for my fellow grievers and sufferers: this is no minimization or shaming of pain! Of course your wounds and losses are devastating- and should be! There is heartache in the human experience. But… What if we could have hope, joy, peace and relief in the life we're living—right now? It is still what our (broken) hearts long for, isn't it? Drawing From the Source: Abundance If we are dependent on HAVING [fill in the blank] before we can BE [peaceful, joyful, filled with hope, in less pain], then we are setting ourselves up for endless lack. The irony is that it’s the other way around: We must BE before we will ever truly HAVE. And the astounding truth? You already are! Because in Christ, we have full oneness with God Himself, and access to His abundance in the Holy Spirit. The hope, joy, and peace you’re searching for are not found in solving any of the circumstantial problems (of which there are many). We don’t need more achievements, possessions, or even people to be whole. They’re found in connection—your connection to God, the true source of all you need. Our only true problem? We’ve lost our way home. Disconnection from the source appears in our life as all of the other "problems" we are trying to solve. What we need is to return to the One who makes us whole. Our only true solution is simply to come home- to return to Him, our abundance. From this place of being—of reconnecting with God— we can actually enjoy life’s blessings without being dependent on them for meaning and happiness . It is also a place from where we can find a real way forward into deeper healing and growth from our grief and loss. So how do we do that? How do we shift from chasing peace to living in it? Let’s talk about some practical steps. Living (and Healing) from Abundance 1. Come Back Home to God Your truest home is oneness with God. And the good news? You are never far from Him. So "coming back" simply involves the turning of our heart (not a list of things to do). In Christ, you are already in perfect standing with God. There is no striving, no groveling, no proving yourself worthy of His love. He is always waiting with open arms. Take a moment to pause. Is anything in the way of going even deeper and nearer? Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal anything you need to release—pain, unforgiveness, false beliefs, or wounds that need healing from Him. And please know: there is no shame here (shame is not from God). This is not about “clawing your way back” to God. It’s about surrender—laying your burdens down and resting in His presence. You are warmly welcomed into this starting place of healing. 2. Believe That You Already Have Everything You Need Your beliefs are the beginning to everything in your lived experience. Still, believing you have all you need is so hard, especially when life is the most challenging. Pain and suffering make us feel like we are victims—like we need the circumstances to change before we can be okay. Plus, we get defensive about our pain, as though someone is trying to minimize it. Your pain and your needs are valid . But here’s the challenge: Resist the urge to believe things have to “look a certain way” before you can be at peace (I’ll be honest—this is something I have to remind myself of, ongoing). This doesn't mean your desires are wrong, or that God is against your dreams. But when you live as though your peace depends on them, you’ll always feel empty. What if you could experience peace and joy right now, regardless of circumstances? That’s the freedom found in Christ. Let go of the ball and chain. Every human, in various challenges on this planet, is able to have abundant life in the Lord as they navigate the struggles of life. 3. Rebuke the Lies Keeping You Stuck This has been one of the biggest battles in my personal journey—learning to stand in my authority in Christ and reject the lies that try to pull me back into despair. As an Enneagram 4 (translation: deep feeler, very familiar with grief), I know what it’s like to sit in pain. And while self-awareness and authenticity are good, creating an identity out of pain is dangerous. For years, I let my suffering define me. It fed my despair, intensified my struggles, and nearly drowned me in hopelessness. But then I learned something life-changing: agreeing with the thoughts that weren't actually true was partnering with the enemy... and I can walk through my grief with Him, or I can repeatedly take God's hand, instead. When old, familiar lies creep in—thoughts of hopelessness, self-pity, or despair—rebuke them. Don’t coddle, entertain, or empathize with them. Don’t let them take root. And if you need permission to get aggressive here, let me say this: The enemy is the one place you can use all your bad words. Seriously. Tell him to get out. 4. Start Living Like the Person You Already Are - Abundant You already have hope, peace, and joy in Christ. You have Holy Spirit power for endurance and perseverance in suffering. You have authority to rebuke the enemy and power to rebuild a beautiful life. Can you fathom that reality? Let your life reflect it; rather than waiting to have the right circumstances before you become the person God created you to be. Let your identity—not your circumstances—determine your choices, words, and outlook. In my darkest season of widowhood, the Lord gave me the theme that has carried me for years: Acceptance-With-Joy. At first my response was, "Really?! Are you kidding me? Right HERE?!" But it became a part of my new life and new identity, despite all I've been through. Start speaking life over yourself, friend. Start making decisions from a place of abundance, not lack. Start stepping into the fullness of who God says you are. When you do this, you’ll realize something incredible: The joy, peace, and hope you were searching for were inside you all along... Come back home, to Oneness with God that is always available to you. Final Thoughts: Your Hope Starts Here You don’t have to wait for life to get “better” before you can live fully. You don’t have to chase joy, peace, or hope. You already have them in Christ. Now, it’s time to step into that reality—right here, right now. It IS possible, and I have walked through it- from suicide attempts to an abundant (not perfect) life. If this resonates with you and you’re looking for deeper support, and transformation, I’d love to walk alongside you! Become a Founding Member of The HOPE Stronghold Membership, and get connected to community and a path to success. You can get on the list by subscribing to the blog (instructions below), and I will update you when The HOPE Stronghold Membership opens! Stay tuned—hope is closer than you think. I also have openings for 1:1 Coaching to help you navigate healing and rebuilding your life, if you are ready to get out of the suffocating grasp of grief, despair and loneliness. Reach out here: Connect@hopespeaker.com With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

The Weight of Grief and the Silence of God I remember pulling my car over on an empty road during a solo drive, gripping the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles were white. My young husband had died by suicide just weeks before, and I could no longer see the road through the torrential tears that were pouring. The world around me was blurred, distant—like I was moving through a life that no longer felt like mine. Somehow, woven into my shock and numbness were waves of excruciating pain. My prayers at that moment were primal screams... which felt like they hit the ceiling and came back down, unanswered. "God, where were you?! Where are you?! How could you let him die?! How am I supposed to keep living?!" Maybe you’ve asked similar questions in your own grief and loss. Maybe you’ve screamed them into the void, hoping for something—anything—that would bring a sense of comfort. But you felt that all that came was silence. Losing someone you love shakes the very foundation of your world. It can cause us to view life differently and ask deeper questions. It can also plunge us into darkness. How do you hold on to faith and hope when the One you trusted feels absent? When Hope Feels Distant and Trust Feels Unsafe In grief, you lose more than just your person. Amongst many other losses that follow that first domino, a felt connection to God can be something that also falls down... and away. You might find yourself wondering: Why did God allow this suffering? If He loves me/my person, why didn’t He stop it? Can I trust Him again when He let me experience this much pain? Faith, once so sure, now feels fragile—too tender to touch. Hope seems like something meant for other people, but no longer for you. And if you’ve lost your person to suicide, the questions only multiply. The pain can feel unbearable, and the "whys" and "what ifs," unrelenting. Maybe you've been told to "just trust God," but faith after loss has nothing to do with pat answers or pretending to be okay. It's about finding a deeper connection to God and a foundation of hope.... right under you in the middle of your devastation. That is something entirely new- which you may find now in a way you never could while the structure of your life was still standing. Holding On to the Love That Doesn’t Disappear in Grief Although loneliness is so strong, God is not absent in your grief. But pain has a way of making Him feel incredibly distant. Throughout scripture, we see people wrestling with this same ache: David cried out, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?" -Psalm 13:1 Job, in his suffering, asked, "Why do you hide your face and consider me your enemy?" -Job 13:24 Jesus, taking on the sin of the world in His final moments, cried, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" -Matthew 27:46 As much as we avoid the subject, lament (a passionate expression of grief, sorrow and confusion), is all over the Bible. Honest lament can open us to true connection with our Heavenly Father. It can lead back to trust, and be the first step in daring to hope again. Repeatedly, God's response to lament is validation, compassion, comfort and reassurance. Faith after loss doesn’t mean "being ok" or having all (or really, any of) the answers. It means trusting that love—God’s love—hasn’t disappeared, even in your deepest pain. It means allowing yourself to grieve with a God who grieves with you . Taking the First Steps Toward Hope If you're struggling to believe, if hope feels impossible, know this: faith is expressed in our willingness to turn to God, again, in our brokenness. That's it. Just turn your tear-stained face His way. There's nothing you need to be and nothing you need to bring. Here are a few practical steps as you start rebuilding on a foundation of hope: 1. Acknowledge Your Raw Feelings to God You don’t have to filter your emotions before bringing them to Him. Tell Him exactly where you are. The anger, the doubt, the exhaustion—He can handle it. In fact, He is the only One who can take all of it. Pray raw, unfiltered prayers. Write them in a journal. Cry them out in a space that feels comfortable. There aren't any "bad" or "wrong" feelings, thoughts, or words when you are bringing them to the safest place- the presence of the God of grace . He knows it all, anyway. When we come to Him with all our hurt, anger, and pain, we find God is near, even in the moments you feel furthest from Him. 2. Know the State of Your Brain Affects Your Experience Here is some helpful science- the absence of feeling or hearing anything from God in your pain is not evidence of His silence or abandonment. It can actually be that your brain is in a state that is closed off to receiving any input. Dr. Karl Lehman coined specific brain circuits "Relational Circuits (RCs), which serve our longing and need for relationship. When these circuits are "on," we are able to experience the presence and relational connection of God and other people. When they are "off," we are often unable to relate and connect. "The activation of trauma-based feelings of being alone and in pain can turn off our RCs. The sudden blackout explains why we are sometimes unable to perceive Immanuel [God with us]." (Wilder, Kang, et al. (2020). Joyful Journey. p. 28.) PS -I also highly recommend this book in learning interactive gratitude and "thought rhyming" to turn RCs back on! 3. Look for Hope- Every Way You Can Hope doesn’t always come in grand revelations—it often comes in the small things and quiet moments: A song that reminds you that you’re not alone. The "faithful few" who can empathetically be with you in your grief. A verse or promise given to you that you can hold tight to. A memory of your loved one that brings warmth instead of just pain. I remember that for many months following my husband's death, my trips to the local Sam's Club wholesale store were an embodiment of this principle. I entered feeling like the walking dead (truly; I struggled intensely with suicidal thoughts myself). The first thing I would do is plod into the aisle with all of the large, high-definition televisions. Then, I would stand there. For at least 10-15 minutes, or more (most of my time there, in fact), I would stand and look at the natural wonders of this planet, displayed in bright colors. It was one small thing that stirred any feeling in my grief-stricken body and my numb soul. It gave the tiniest spark that there was still beauty here. It gave me a bit of hope. And I made it a point to do it every time, because I knew I desperately needed it. Small moments and tokens are reminders: God is still present. You are still loved. Hope is still solid under your shaky feet. Today's reality isn't your forever reality. A Final Word: The Faithfulness of God The first (and pretty much only) words to me from a trusted, wise person after my husband died, when we came face to face at the back of a church sanctuary were this: "Rachel, you are going to know the faithfulness of God." I am grateful to say that through it all... this has been so true that it has become the theme that I share of the worst 6 years of my life. Through it all, He has been so faithful. If your faith feels shaky, if God feels distant, if you’re not sure how to trust Him again—you’re not alone. Faith isn’t the absence of the bloody struggles. It’s choosing to turn back toward Him to receive what we need (goodness knows, in our pain, we will be turning to something!). God hasn’t abandoned you. He’s holding you fast, even in this. And step by step, through grief and suffering, a deeper hope can be found- the foundation underneath the "rock bottom" where we may find ourselves at this time. You are going to know the faithfulness of God. Keep turning to Him, my friend. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!