Suicide Prevention: Understanding the "Black Box of Suicide" When we talk about suicide prevention, we often talk about what other people on the outside of the person struggling can do. How do you recognize that someone is struggling? What questions should you ask? How do you respond? How do you connect someone with help? I want to be clear: I am fully supportive of these things. Having done multiple trainings in these prevention methods and helping save lives myself, I believe that it is a part of suicide prevention. But after losing my husband to suicide—and then experiencing my own intense struggle and attempts as a widow—I believe there is another part (dare I say, the most important part)—of suicide prevention we need to talk about. How do we equip people to prevent their own suicide? What happens within a person before suicide occurs that is critical here? Because suicide is a change that takes place within a person, within their mind (soul) and body (brain). I have come to call the space where that transition happens The Black Box of Suicide. What Is the Black Box of Suicide? Think about how incomprehensible suicide is to a child. When I had to explain to my children in age-appropriate ways that their daddy / uncle daddy had died by suicide, it was impossible for them to even grasp. Suicide starts as something that all human minds can't even understand at our early beginnings. As we get older, we come to understand it as a concept; we learn what it is. The idea comes with shock and sadness. We may think, I would never do something like that. Or, That is so sad. But somewhere, for many people, a transition can happen where it becomes an internal struggle and association with ourselves. Something that was once unimaginable becomes something we ponder. Then something that becomes a possibility. Then an option. Then a plan. And eventually, in a suicidal crisis, it can feel like the only way or our only option. This transition happens in The Black Box of Suicide. I believe that if we can better understand what happens here, we can better understand how to interrupt the transition before someone reaches the point where they are in active suicidal crisis, acting on their "only way out." It can change the way we think about suicide prevention. My Own Experience With The Black Box After losing my husband to suicide, I wrestled with extreme hopelessness and carried tremendous guilt, shame, and pain. At the same time, suicide became a possibility to me... It was as if his leaving in this manner cracked and left the door open for me, too. Research has actually shown increased suicide rates in those close to suicide loss, and a heightened risk in widows and widowers as well (especially those who lost their spouse by suicide). Something I once could not imagine, then bore the brunt of the pain after, still became an idea I could find a strange consolation in, when I entered this space of thinking about and considering my own death. I struggled intensely and attempted twice myself before I came to a point of change. I began to recognize what was happening inside my own mind. Our thoughts related to our own suicide dig a slope inside that Black Box of Suicide. The more time we spend in that space, the steeper and more lubricated it becomes. For me, thoughts about not being here anymore could begin to feel like a comfortable chair or a weighted blanket. A place where I could imagine relief from the pain. There was comfort, and a temptation to return there, which grew the more time I spent in it. As a Christian, I know the work of our enemy who joins us in this dark work and space. Tempting us to return, helping us shovel a steeper grade slope, lubricating it up for the right circumstances. Finally, in a time of crisis (which is often impulsive and short-lived, often from minutes to hours), we jump into that box and slide right down this steep, slippery slope to the bottom.... to our own end. Because the danger was in thinking we had control over it; that we could compartmentalize it and decide when we entered the space and when we came out of it. But we are integrated beings who cannot completely compartmentalize in our brains; any time we spend there is the real danger. My real turning point was when I realized that preventing my own suicide meant refusing to enter that space. Ever, if at all possible. I had to wage war, with a battle mindset, to keep myself from going there. So how to we equip people to prevent their own suicide and not enter The Black Box of Suicide, more practically? Here are four things that helped me. 4 Steps to Help Prevent Your Own Suicide 1) Shift the State of Your Body (and Mind) When I was struggling with the pull to engage in thoughts of suicide or making a plan for it, it needed to sound an alarm. 🚨 And I needed to make a change immediately. One powerful way of making a direct change was to move my body. Getting up from where I was sitting in the thoughts (or however I was engaging with the temptation) and physically making a shift. Sometimes I would stop what I was doing and do push-ups, jog in place, or go for a run or walk outside (a prayer walk was even better). Physically moving your body shifts the neurochemistry in your brain... And the state of your mind. That is exactly what we need in those moments. It's a mental and physical way of saying, I'm not going to continue toward or in The Black Box. 2) Remind Yourself of the Truths you Need to Hear (yes, the raw real ones) There were reminders I would return to when I needed to get out of the siren's song that pulled me toward The Black Box and reminded me of suicide's reality and horrors. Here are a few of mine: The reality of what would be left behind... Specifically, what I would bring to mind was a small pillow with my husband's picture that was given to one of my children. My husband had become, for my children, a little pillow. I remember picking it up and being so angry thinking, You became a *bleeping* pillow, Andre! We need YOU here! I did not want to become that. I connected with the deep inner motivation to be there for my children's pain. I would specifically think of running toward my child if they were about to be, or were, hurt or in a serious accident. I reminded myself that painful things will happen to them, and I would not be able to run to or reach them if they were hurting and I was gone. It kept me here. Spiritual truths anchored me in something greater than earthly pain and suffering. The Lord had given me a picture of our family in His army marching, and that when my husband went down, the enemy came through the lines easier to me and my children (the spiritual warfare was real, y'all). I needed to stay and to fight. Also as a Christian, I believe my life has great purpose in glorifying God. Self-determining my number of days early was not an unforgivable sin, but it also wasn't living by faith. He reminded me I couldn't take myself out because I was here to bring Him glory. This is what Jesus said in his greatest suffering: "Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!" -John 12:27-28 I used motivation and reminders of the real, raw things that suicide steals from you. I also connected to something that was even deeper than the desire to die and end the pain: the human desire to live through it for the greatest purpose of all. 3) Worship Worship was a big one for me. It was how I kept breathing when I lost my husband. It was also how I did battle. I would put on worship music, whether I could sing or laid on the ground and cried while it played. Sometimes, I would pick up my guitar and sing. Yet again, worship brought me back to why I am here: I am here to glorify Christ. It reminded me of His presence and strength with me that helped me to endure the battle today, to continue to tomorrow. That mattered to me when the temptation was to take my life into my own hands. 4) Take Action to Get Help Having the right, safe people I could go to with this struggle was another important part of this. And since we talked about suicide prevention from the outside (from others) versus our focus on prevention from within ourselves, I want to be very clear about something: This is not about making other people responsible for saving us, or needing them to respond a certain way to keep living. Having a go-to person or people is about recognizing that we are human and human beings need one another. And there is no shame in that. For me, taking responsibility for myself meant initiating that connection. It meant leaning into my resources instead of staying alone inside the struggle. That can include safe people in your life, a counselor or therapist, or the 988 suicide crisis line to call or text. No matter who you are, there are people who will listen while also helping you take steps forward. ❤️ We Need a Different Conversation About Suicide Prevention I believe suicide prevention needs both sides of the conversation. Yes, we need people around us for support. There are times when a person's thinking can become so impaired that they are not seeing clearly. From my experience, you are not in your right mind and are not your true self when you are acting in suicidal crisis. But before someone reaches that point, I believe there is tremendous value in helping people understand what is happening within them, inside The Black Box of Suicide... The place suicide goes from incomprehensible to our "only way out" of pain. We must be equipped to prevent our own suicide, and fight for our own lives, while also remembering that we were never meant to do life alone. More From Hope Speaker If you are interested in the work I do with Christian widows or in speaking engagements on the topics of widowhood, faith or suicide prevention, you can find out more at: www.HopeSpeaker.com With you here, Rachel 🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Is Suicide Prevention Fueling Survivor's Guilt? September is National Suicide Prevention Month, so you have probably been seeing conversations about suicide prevention all over your platforms... And that's a good thing! But as a suicide widow and an attempt survivor myself, I want to share a different lens on suicide prevention with you. To be honest, it likely won't go along with what you're used to hearing, and might even ruffle some feathers. But stay with me, because how we frame suicide prevention is incredibly important—especially for those of us who have been affected by suicide loss. What Do We Mean When We Say "Suicide Prevention"? The term suicide prevention is about preventing suicides. It's something we all want, especially if you have lost a loved one to suicide or have struggled with suicidal thoughts yourself. In fact, many of us become strong suicide prevention advocates and find purpose there. When it comes to suicide prevention in our society, what you primarily hear and see that it means is: 1) Raising awareness about the struggle. 2) Focusing on outward signs of someone who may be suicidal. 3) How people outside of the struggle can take action to try to help someone get support and/or crisis intervention. It is how other people respond to prevent suicides. Now, there are also wonderful trainings for this: QPR stands for Question, Persuade, Refer. It is a fabulous training. safeTALK is another option. There are a variety of suicide prevention trainings, and I not only support them, but I've taken and used several of them myself. I have even prevented suicides and saved lives with these skills. So What's the Problem? However, in all my experience (from my own journey of loss and struggle, as well as walking alongside others and many widow sisters) focusing on outside prevention—how other people outside recognize and respond to suicidal ideation—is actually a big problem. Yes, suicide prevention can be helpful, and much of what is shared around "suicide prevention" is true. We should be kinder to each other. We don't know what everybody is going through. Watching for signs and taking actions to support and help other people is so valuable. But here is the crux of the issue: We do not prevent suicides in other people as much as we are able to prevent our own suicide. We are ultimately the decision makers for ourselves. Knowing the signs and getting help and using our own responsibility and agency is the answer. It has to be. Suicide: Decision-Making & Responsibility Let's start by acknowledging the messy, broken and hard reality that people who have died by suicide (or who are really struggling) have a "brain that is sick," as many of us have described it to our children and to others. I am not making the argument that suicide is a choice made from a healthy brain or that it is unrelated to real problems rooted in mental health. There are diagnosable illnesses of the brain, and scans can show this, related to suicidality. My view is not about judging the suicidal. We don't judge people's pancreas and diabetes for being sick; something is broken. We don't approach brain illness with blame. So I understand that people get very heated about it and whether someone has "chosen" suicide. And while holding space for those things being true, I also ask this: Who is ultimately responsible for their actions? It is called suicide for a reason. It means, by definition, that it wasn't another person's decision or doing (otherwise it would be homicide). I will go into this more into how we can prevent our own suicide next week. For now, just know that putting the primary focus of prevention on people outside of the person struggling can actual feeding the guilt and despair and pain that suicide loss survivors are already struggling with. The Burden Suicide Loss Survivors Carry If you've ever lost someone to suicide, you know where the struggle goes. You wrestle with questions like: When was the last time I interacted with them? How could that have been different? If I had done something different, could I have prevented this? How could we all have prevented this?! But when our focus is on the actions of those outside the person who died by suicide, the fires of guilt and shame (for yourself) or blame, judgement or even hatred (toward other people) grow. Because it is someone else's fault or failure (or is potentially). And as a suicide widow, I tell you that the burden of guilt toward yourself, or the judgement toward others is too heavy and dark. Suicide-loss survivors are already burdened so heavily, and this loss is not their fault. All suicides are not preventable. And here's another important factor: Those who have lost a close person by suicide are at higher risk themselves. Widows or widowers who have lost their spouse to suicide have an even higher risk. So, postvention—the care of those who have survived a suicide loss—is prevention! Postvention Is Prevention How we are approaching this subject and treating those left behind is preventing suicides because those left behind have an elevated risk. Part of that is reducing guilt, blame, shame, and pain. We as a society need to shift the primary responsibility of suicide prevention from others (outside the person struggling) to each of us, for ourselves. I believe we're ultimately going to stand before the Lord for our own decisions and our own actions. Now, very, very important side note here: Suicide is not an unforgivable sin. And those who believe in Christ are not losing their eternal security and going to heaven because of suicide. This is another message for another day, but suffice it to say it is not biblical, at all! And, we all will stand responsible for our own actions. Again, suicide by definition is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. It was someone's decisive action for and toward themselves. On the contrary, it was not a murder or it would be defined that way. We each need to equip ourselves when it comes to suicide. That is the only place from which we truly have agency, full responsibility, and control. Of course, the path toward (or away from) suicide is a process... From when somebody starts to struggle all the way down to getting to the point of attempting or completing suicide. It's messy. And there should be a lot of compassion and grace. What I Know as a Suicide Widow & Attempt Survivor In the aftermath of losing my husband by suicide I attempted twice myself. I want to say clearly: if I had been successful, even though people would have been struggling with the questions and the guilt, it would not have been their decision. It would not have been anyone else's fault. That's something I wish more people understood when it comes to suicide loss. The people left behind can carry so many questions, so much guilt, and so much pain. And we can spend so much energy looking backward at what someone else could have done differently that we lose sight of what is actually ours to own. The only thing we can control is ourselves. That is why I believe this conversation about responsibility matters. Not to judge people who have struggled. Absolutely not to shame people who have died by suicide. And certainly not to add another burden to a suicide widow who is already carrying enough. But because I believe we need to look at where we actually have agency and can make the biggest impact when it comes to preventing suicides. What Do We Do With This? I want to leave you to think on these ideas: How do we own responsibility for prioritizing our own mental health (as well as physical and spiritual)? How do we support and equip ourselves? How do we take full ownership of that, and how does it impact how we advocate for our own needs and support? What would suicide prevention that is focused on empowering people in preventing their own suicide look like?? How do we approach that process with compassion and grace? These are the conversations I want to keep having. I believe we need to shift our focus. Our current suicide prevention lens still holds truths. and actions steps: We should be kind. We should watch for signs. We should still support other people. We should still learn how to respond. Those things matter. But I believe we need to look at educating and empowering the individual to prevent suicides. This is our truest responsibility. Because, ultimately: The most effective suicide prevention is each of us preventing our own. More on this next week. 💜💙 Christian Widow Sisters, I want you to know there is a place of belonging for you to engage in the hardest topics and grief. A space that honors your love for Jesus and is also safe to be human in the struggles. We would love to invite you into our intentional virtual Christian widow community. We are on the journey together, and I am pouring into this space for grief that includes HOPE, deeper healing, and redemption in the rebuilding. Learn more HERE With you, Rachel 🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Christian Widowhood: Why Faith Changes It All When your husband dies, everything changes, and you see the world (and perhaps more of eternity) with a spiritual lens. Because you are faced with the reality and implications of death. It is so in-your-face that it is (if we're honest and open to it) a time of real spiritual questioning, struggle, reflection, and hopefully, growth. Whether you are a Christian widow or a widow exploring the area of faith, you are welcome here. I want to be clear that I write from my convictions, my heart, my knowledge of the Bible, and my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. And to me, that relationship means everything. Faith has changed everything about my life, and I believe it changes everything about our widowhood. Widowhood Makes Us Face Death and Eternity There is a problem that happens when we take God, faith, and our spirituality out of our process and healing after losing our husband. Because the Lord—and eternity—changes everything about our widowhood: The way that we grieve That we rebuild The life that we live during, in the middle of, and after all of this pain As widows, we are faced with death in a way that most of us have never experienced before. Sitting at the front row of your husband's funeral, and figuring out life afterward, will do that to you. We are having to look right at eternal realities: What happens when we die? Where do we go? Am I going to see him again? What do I believe about that? What's really true? These aren't small questions, and I encourage you to explore those areas. When we become numb to those things and distracted by all the other things of life—even the good things—we can miss what's of eternal importance. Because there is more than just this life. It is so important to really consider those things when we are faced with death and eternity, even in a time of pain. In fact, our faith can actually become an anchor into hope, purpose, and comfort that gets us through widowhood. Faith: Questions, Wrestle & Change If you have struggled in your faith (whether you consider yourself Christian or not) I want to encourage you that the spiritual wrestle and questions after he has died are so very normal. Actually, there can be pain from how things went before he passed also. Maybe you were praying for healing, or an outcome that did not get answered the way you were asking. I experienced this, even though my loss was by suicide. In the last year of my late husband's life, things were getting out of control as he became a different person behind closed doors, related to undiagnosed mental health struggles and an escalating addiction. And I prayed. And prayed. And prayed that the Lord would remove a heart of stone and give a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26)—to my late husband, and to myself. I asked for healing, for redemption of our marriage, for restoration... And what happened was that I lost him by suicide. That brought a lot of questions and struggles. My relationship with the Lord had to get very real. Maybe you prayed for healing that didn't come. Or perhaps you're wondering how this could happen to you with the way that you lived life, or the way that your late husband walked out his faith. There are hard questions that we wrestle with as widows, and we don't want to turn away from those hard realities. God can handle those things, all the anger, all the sadness... all of it. You can approach Him honestly, safely. ❤️ Don't Fear the Hard Questions There are Christian widows I have known who have been so afraid to "question God," or who are already biased against the idea of deconstruction, believing that it is the loss of faith. But I want to offer this: Sometimes our faith needs to be deconstructed so that it can be reconstructed. Maybe our view of God, of eternity, of purpose, of our life and purpose here, was too small. Maybe what we believed had to happen—and what our lives needed to look like—was too limited. And when it doesn't happen that way, it can actually become an opportunity to grasp in a deeper way how big God is. It can become an opportunity to see with spiritual eyes something bigger than we could see with our limited view when we believed it had to go a certain way. Pressing into the Lord and asking real questions isn't something you should be afraid of. He welcomes you there. And I believe the Holy Spirit will help you expand your view of God—to know the Lord more deeply through this tragedy, and to know some things about redemption and resurrection power that only come through death. To experience a deeper spiritual anchoring. Don't be afraid to lean into Christ and bring all of your real, raw feelings, anger, and questions to Him. Because He doesn't reject you. And He won't turn away from you. Spiritual Healing in Widowhood It is also so important for us to engage in the area of our spirituality because I believe in widowhood we need healing holistically in all areas. That includes: physically mentally emotionally spiritually Yes, we are spiritual beings. Now, that can mean a lot of different things these days. But there is, for the vast majority of humanity—for those who are willing to be honest about something beyond just life here—all the evidence that points to things that are so much greater and something beyond. And we need to engage in that area, in healing spiritually, in finding faith-based community and companionship. This deepens what we really believe and how we are going to walk that out in widowhood and also our life beyond it. So don't shy away from this area in your healing; it will not serve you to do so. Widowhood Looks Different With God in It Here's another way that widowhood looks different if you take God out of it versus keeping the Lord in it: our convictions don't look like the world. They don't look like the world when we were living with our husband, most likely, and they don't look the same in widowhood, either. There are a couple of areas I have commonly seen in a worldly way of widowing that are really detrimental to goodness, to healing, to health, to rebuilding, and to wholeness. 1) Grieving With HOPE vs. Without One of them is grieving without hope. In 1 Thessalonians 4:13, Paul talks about how the world—those who don't know Christ, those who don't believe in the Lord, who have no faith—don't have that same hope when they/their loved ones pass away. Consider realistically where this view leads: If it's just over when you die.... You don't see them again. There's no greater purpose or meaning beyond earthly life and survival. There's no redemptive good that can come through this. It's the end. It's just loss. It's just hopeless. But in Christ, we grieve with hope, because those things are not true! Because those in Christ will come together with Him and with one another again. And there is such hope and comfort in knowing that we are going to be reunited. That changes the way we grieve. 2) How We Find Relief in Our Pain Another way that widowhood looks different is in the area of convictions with purity, and also where we go to relieve pain. I see so often in secular areas of widowhood, people embracing and even celebrating what they call a “widowhoe era.” This seems to mean, "I am free to express and explore my sexuality in any and every way without judgement/consequence in widowhood." It addresses struggles like widow's fire—a deep longing for a sexual connection—and gets its needs met by sexual encounters outside of the commitment of marriage without moral consideration. To be clear, I am not referencing how widows who love the Lord sin or fail in this area, and fight for repentance and healing. There is so much grace in Christ, sister! We may also seek to find relief from pain and comfort by coping through the use of substances and other addictions. And we know that trying to satisfy the flesh with things that are not healthy—addiction—is actually destructive. Giving your heart away to different people through sex, getting tied to things like alcohol, drugs, food, and all sorts of things are not going to serve us in healing, in finding purpose, and becoming who we could be through these things. Again, there is so much grace where we fail. But in Christ, the Spirit in us fights to seek Him and turn back to Him, not willfully repeat sin unchecked and unfought. What we engage in to find relief can be harmful, and sin is always followed by regret, guilt, shame, more pain and heartbreak. And the Lord wants more for us than these things. That is why He offers something better: Himself. And that is why there are boundaries—good boundaries and limitations—to protect us. Following the Holy Spirit's convictions in our lives as Christians actually guards our heart, body and mind in the very vulnerable time of widowhood. Knowing Christ Changes Everything Knowing Christ changes everything about our life, our eternity, and yes, it changes everything about our widowhood grief here. Sister, He loves you! He wants you to know that He hears you and sees you. He is happy to be with you right where you are. And He can do something about where you are. He has so much good ahead of you. You can be confident that you will see His goodness in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13)—which you are still in. Your story is not over yet. And He wants to walk this with you. You Don't Have to Walk Widowhood Alone If this has been an encouragement to you, I would love to walk this widowhood journey with you. I offer personalized, high-touch support through one-to-one coaching (Learn more HERE), and that also includes my beautiful Christian widow community (the best, I have to say!) where we laugh, cry, and pray together. We grieve with hope. We're healing deeper. We're rebuilding by the power of the Holy Spirit. I pour into that space, and it is a precious space to be alongside other widow sisters who love Jesus, who want to walk this by faith, and who get the struggle. If you're looking for Christian widow support and a community where you can walk this journey with other widows who love Jesus, The HOPE Stronghold is the place you belong. Learn more about this private, virtual widow community here: The HOPE Stronghold With you, Rachel 🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Widowhood Vulnerability We're getting real and deeply honest this week, sister... because I believe the warnings are valuable, and your heart is worth protecting. After being widowed, I was taken advantage of by outsiders and also struggled with the weakness of my own flesh more than any other time in my life. I knew I was in survival mode in grief, but these were things no one prepared me for. As I have connected with hundreds of widows and been alongside so many, I have learned some commonalities in the deeper struggles that widows aren't always aware of before encountering them. Let's talk about it. Not because I want to make you afraid, but because I want you to be prepared. We Don't Know What We Don't Know The problem is, we don't actually know the things we should be watching out for and guarding ourselves from. Like we say and hear so often as widows—there is no manual for this! Most of it we figure out as we drag ourselves through it alone. But the lessons we learn about our vulnerabilities can come with a price we never needed to pay. In widowhood grief, we're already navigating with so much: Loneliness Pain Exhaustion A heart that is disoriented and desperate for connection You may not realize how much those things can affect your awareness, your judgment and your boundaries. And there are some people who will see those vulnerabilities as an opportunity. We also have to discern and wrestle between self control and unhealthy comforts. That is why this is good news: You can learn some ways to protect yourself from those who have gone before. You don't have to learn every lesson the hard way. From Christian Widows Already in the Trenches... You have a much better chance to guard from being taken advantage of, and avoid common pitfalls by learning from the experiences of those who joined the club before you. It's one of the reasons sisterhood matters so much in widowhood. From my own experience and so many other widow journeys I know, here are two areas you especially want to pay attention to. 1) Guard From Outer Threats Unfortunately, there are many practical vulnerabilities that come with becoming a widow. I experienced one of them the day my husband's obituary hit the paper (and I didn't even know it). While I was lost in grief, someone was already going to work stealing my late husband's identity, buying things in his name, and trying to open lines of credit. I would later spend hours in the police department with mail that had stacked up while I was unaware of what was happening. There are people who try to take advantage of the fact that you are suddenly vulnerable as a widow, in areas like: Identity theft Financial decisions Business matters This is one reason I created my Newly Widowed Checklist (linked here for newer widows). There are practical things that can easily get overlooked in the fog of early widowhood, including protecting important information and taking care of details you may never have thought about before. Here is another key tip: Bring people you trust into understanding and making decisions about things: Car or home repairs Tax or other financial to-dos Selling items Anything involving personal information or accounts So much more Ask for or choose people who are knowledgeable in the area of need. I encourage you to listen to your intuition and trust it. It may not be the relative, friend, or first person who offers. It's what feels safe, comfortable, and peaceful to you. One last, major area open to outer threats... who comes in through romantic connection/relationships. Sister, listen to me: There are sharks in the water. 🦈 Your widowed, broken heart is indeed bleeding, and there are men who can smell a drop of it from a mile away. I actually don't care how harsh it sounds. I have experienced and known so many other widows who have been pursued by the wrong kind of man, and were blind to so much. Some may be scammers who impersonate or have fake accounts and reach widows through social media or other accounts. They build a relationship, create a strong sense of connection, but it never moves forward in a way you are able to truly vet them, their identity, and get to know a real person. Eventually, they ask for money, something else, or find a way to take advantage. We must be so careful with connections online through dating platforms and social media. Whether you received an unsolicited message or reached out yourself, please know that these predators are very skilled in finding things out about you to use to their benefit as well as building relationships through love bombing or other means. But not every danger comes from behind a fake profile. Some sharks are real men. They may enter your life through friendship, dating, your community, or even your church. Our loneliness can make attention feel like connection on steroids. Kindness and offers can feel like protection. Being noticed can feel like being known. But those things are not automatically the same, and they may not be safe at all. Yes, there are healthy men who will respect your boundaries and your healing. In fact, it's a blessing in widowhood to lean into safe men for help and support, engagement with our children, etc. And there are some men who would recognize your loneliness and your lack of covering protection and use friendship or romance to get close enough to take advantage of you. Don't be afraid, sister. But do be wise, slow down, pay attention, and keep healthy boundaries. Listen to the Holy Spirit, and please do not numb His voice by ignoring red flags or sin for comfort. Let trusted people in for accountability and support. You don't have to hand someone access to your heart, your finances, your home, your body, or your future in a season of survival. Desperation will not bring you God's best. And He will guide and protect you. From the outside, and also from yourself... 2) Guard Your Inner Vulnerabilities We're not off the hook, sisters- could you tell? 😉 This one is harder because while we want to protect from outer threats, our inner heart vulnerabilities can be difficult to guard against. Widowhood loneliness and pain brings a level of endangerment to our fragile hearts unlike anything else. Again, from knowing so many other widow sisters and walking it myself, heed this honest warning: When you are hurting badly enough, you can become vulnerable to things you would never have entertained before. Plus, The desire to stop hurting can become stronger than your desire to make a wise decision The desire to feel comforted or loved can become stronger than your ability to recognize unhealthy love The desire to not be alone can make almost any company feel better than loneliness Throw things like widow's fire and the drive to find relief from pain, and we can be open to temptations of: Lust Addiction (alcohol, drugs, food, and more) Bad decisions with our bodies, finances, children and futures Much more In widowhood we MUST guard our own hearts. Not with shame, but with honesty and accountability. Sister, you are not a bad woman because you are lonely. You are not weak because you desperately want someone to hold you. You are not shamed because you are finding how weak some areas of your will are right now. You are not failing God because widowhood has exposed places in you that you didn't know were vulnerable. But you do need to know yourself, and where you are most susceptible. You also need to be known by those who love you deeply and support you in God's best. Those who love you enough to tell you the truth and will not shame you. Worthy of Protection Sister, widowhood has already taken enough from you. It is my desire that no unnecessary wounds are added to your grief. So here is my encouragement to you: Learn from women who have gone before you Pay attention to what doesn't feel right Be involved in a community you can be honest Ask questions Let trustworthy people speak into your life And don't be embarrassed to say, “I don't know,” because you are learning an entirely different way of living. There is no shame in needing help or accountability. In fact, one of the strongest things you can do in widowhood is stop trying to figure everything out alone. Because you may be grieving your husband, but you don't have to navigate every part of widowhood by yourself. I would love to offer you a place to belong in my private, virtual Christian widow community, The HOPE Stronghold. This is a place to be real, honest, and journey with other widow sisters who love Jesus and want to walk this road by faith. We would be so happy to welcome you. Join Here There is so much still ahead of you, sister. Your heart, your life and your future are worth protecting. Thank you for being here. With you, Rachel 🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Can I share something profound I have realized through my own widowhood, as well well as coming alongside many other Christian widows in recent years? So much of the struggle we go through, internally (our own fears, doubts, questions, lack of self-trust) as well as externally (through the real or perceived actions and words of others) about our widowhood walk comes down to this: Judgement and shame... and there is profound wounding where it connects to our faith, also. Have you ever wondered if: You're grieving wrong? The depth of your grief means you're not trusting God enough or are disappointing Him? Your grief can turn into sin or if you are dishonoring God navigating it? You should be doing better? Be farther along by now? Be where other widows are? Your decisions are the right ones? Do I have enough counsel to direct this decision? Your grief is brokenness that disqualifies you from something? You will have to do better or heal more for God's nearness or to "be ready" to receive His blessings or next seasons? I could go on, but if any of these thoughts resonate, I want you to hear this: Jesus isn't judging your grief, sister. Recently, I read an article from The Gospel Coalition entitled “When Does Grief Become Sin?” And I found myself deeply troubled—not simply because of the question itself, but because of what can happen when we begin approaching grieving people primarily through the lens of performance—what they might be doing wrong. Because when you're already hurting, the last thing you need is another burden to carry... especially questions of "what's wrong with me?" as you journey through widowhood. When Grief Becomes Something We Have to Perform The article asked whether it is "possible to grieve too much, too loudly, so as to dishonor God?" I understand the desire and value of self-reflection, honesty and repentance in the Christian walk. And the simple, Biblical answer is we can sin in grief—just like we can at any other time. But that's very different from making grief itself the problem or potentially sinful. I feel so strongly about addressing the heart of the matter, because unfortunately, this is a much larger issue than one article. It is rampant in the Church worldwide. Grief isn't the enemy of faith. We need to be careful about placing spiritual burdens on people who are already suffering, because this is not what Christ does. This is not the gospel that saves or sanctifies. Sometimes, in Christian spaces, we turn grief into a spiritual performance. We start asking things like: Am I trusting God enough? Am I grieving too long? Shouldn't I be further along by now? Is my sadness a lack of faith? Am I honoring God correctly in my grief? And suddenly the widow who is already suffering is carrying another devastating burden: She is evaluating whether she is suffering "legitimately," or "correctly." When we pivot away from the person of Christ and his heart for us, focusing instead on our own works, our own righteousness, our own performance, we have missed the most important thing of all. We have missed Him. Look at Jesus in the Grief Space Jesus didn't stand outside of human suffering, nor did he lecture people about having the correct emotional response. He entered it, was compassionately present with those mourning loss, and grieved Himself (John 11:1-44). "He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief... Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows." -Isaiah 53:3-4 And when we look at Jesus, we see something very different from a demand that grieving people need to "do it right" to love God or be loved by Him. Jesus is a Savior who understands suffering, is present, merciful, and has given us the Holy Spirit to counsel, guide and comfort us. We need to be very careful when we approach grieving people with a focus on correction—with judgment. Can there be sinful responses in grief? Absolutely! In times of survival, pain, and disorientation there can be risk of more extreme sin. But grief itself is not a spiritual failure. And you don't have to clean up yourself (ever) before you bring it to Jesus. The Gospel Coalition article pointed out that later in Job's journey, he did "cross a line, and God rebuked him soundly." And this is what I want to say clearly: God is fully capable of doing the same for us in grief where we wander. And, an article need not be written to ask "When Does Grief Become Sin?" or try to find a sinful failure on the part of the griever. Because ironically, that's what Job's friends did, and God rebuked them soundly, too. Maybe we should let God be the determiner of motivations and the Holy Spirit of convictions. I believe our time, energy, and hearts should be walking out our faith and showing people in grief the heart of God in how we come alongside them. Jesus Doesn't Add Burdens to the Broken In Matthew 23, Jesus was speaking about the religious leaders and authorities of His day. He told the crowds and His disciples to listen to the Scriptures and obey them, but not to follow their example because: "They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger." -Matthew 23:4 Can we remove the burden of loss from someone's shoulders? No, but we can choose not to lay additional burdens on their shoulders. When someone is already brokenhearted, already suffering, already trying to survive a season they never wanted, are we lifting burdens or adding them? Are we helping her see Jesus? Or are we making her more afraid that she isn't doing grief correctly? There is certainly room for growth in grief. There are things God can teach us in our pain. There are ways we can respond that aren't healthy or honoring Him. But the heart of God is not condemnation, and the Word says it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance" (Romans 2:4). "...Mercy triumphs over judgment." -James 2:13 God's kindness and mercy is what our widowed hearts need in grief, and He offers it to us freely. 💗 You Are Safe to Bring Your Grief to Jesus Sister, if you're wondering whether you're grieving right as a Christian widow, I want to offer you a different place to begin. Look to Jesus. Look at Jesus. Don't begin by asking, "How am I doing at this grief thing?" Begin by asking: “What does Jesus do with people who are hurting?” You don't have to perform for Him, prove that you're strong enough, pretend you're okay, or rush through your pain to prove that you have faith. And He is not disappointed in you. Be not afraid! Bring it all to Him: The sorrow The questions The confusion The pain The places where you don't understand what God is doing Let Him meet you there. Because the point of the Gospel is not that you become good enough at your grief! The point is Christ. Lets Be the Church This is where I believe the conversation needs to go. Where the Church needs to go. Where Christian grief spaces need to go. Not toward pretending that anything we do in grief is automatically okay. Not toward ignoring sin. Not toward refusing to grow. But toward the Lord. Toward bearing one another's burdens instead of adding more weight to someone who is already struggling. Toward creating spaces where grieving people can be honest without immediately wondering whether their honesty has offended God. Christian widows don't need another spiritual performance to master. They need Jesus. And Jesus is not standing over you, judging you or your grief. He is the One we came to us in our grief. And yes, He will transform you in and through it! So if you are grieving today, take a breath. You don't have to perform this perfectly. Bring your real heart to Jesus, because you are safe to grieve with Him. If this connects and you want more... You don't have to walk through widowhood alone. Hope Speaker exists to help Christian widows move through grief and healing with hope so they can rebuild life with renewed identity, faith-rooted support, and practical forward movement. If you want a gospel and Christ-centered widow community, you have found your sisters! Join The HOPE Stronghold private virtual Christian widow community If you need someone to guide you more closely in this season, I would love to connect with you: Learn more about Christian widow coaching And if this article blesses you or puts words to something you've been carrying, share it with a Christian widow sister who may need the same reminder today. With you, Rachel 🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Welcome sister. I’m glad you made the brave choice to even open this Blog (or perhaps you made it this far from curiosity, disbelief or even rage…) I’m glad you are here. The idea that widowhood could be, or give, gifts to us as widows is rather unbelievable. It certainly is a paradox; it seems like a contradiction but actually reveals a hidden truth. It’s kind of upside down, just like a lot of things in the Kingdom of God. For the record, I’m not writing to minimize the loss, the pain or the suffering. We’re not going to get masochistic or glorify brokenness, because God doesn’t do so. However, I know your soul longs for the things that are eternal and glorious, as mine does. And there is a hope that anchors the soul in discovering the grace, transformation, and resurrection power of the Lord—right where it would seem there is a hopeless ending. May we open our hearts wider and outstretch our hands to receive, by faith, what our God for whom nothing is impossible has for us here as widows. May be also come honestly and as we are, and be ok to say to Him, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24). Seven years out from becoming a suicide widow, here are three gifts that the Lord gave me through widowhood… 1) Fully Living These Numbered Days Years before my first husband’s passing, I had a bit of an existential crisis on a date night, when out of nowhere, I was hit with a deep sense of how one of us would die before the other. Sitting in the parking lot at our condo, Andre did his best to grasp the deep reality I randomly tapped into as I tried to explain it with urgency. “One of us is probably going to pass away before the other, Anj!” I said with some desperation. “Oh, yeah, honny. That is really sad…” he replied. “No, really! I know we know, but I really feel that. It’s so sad!” I cried as I felt the weight of it. I don’t know why the curtain was peeled back a bit that night, but I remembered the thoughts being at the forefront of my mind as we lay down to sleep. I distinctly remember putting my head on his chest, and hearing his steady heartbeat… Its consistency gave no indication it would ever stop. Fast forward more than a decade, through the horror and tragedy of losing him and into my second marriage. We widows know the reality of the temporal reality of earthly marriage, and if we’re honest, they cross our minds as we step into love after loss. If we lost once, we can lose again… The existential moment once again hit randomly, but hard. Not long after we were married, I lay down and put my head on my second husband, Mike’s chest. As the steady beat filled my ears and my mind, it all came crashing in… with force into my heart and soul. This is temporary. One of us is going to pass before the other. I am going to lose this again. It was a deciding moment in my life at that moment and going forward, and the Lord was faithfully present with me. I knew I could let the fear and panic at the door in to choke out this moment’s goodness… and many moments of goodness to follow. The fear of losing him, and losing it all, again. But what was most striking to my soul was the other option that the Lord whispered to my soul. Knowing that it was temporary, I could more deeply sink into this moment and richly soak in the goodness that I had here. I have lived without, and I now get to live with…. Gratitude and overwhelm at this present moment’s blessing. That is what I chose in that moment as I closed my eyes and my soul shifted from the white-knuckled grip of what I could lose, to a posture of surrendered hands that tenderly held this temporary gift. You see, widowhood taught me to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12). The fact that this current reality is only a season helps guard against hopelessness (for the current struggles and pains will, one way or another, pass). The temporary reality of this earthly life can also help me be more present in life’s moments, and soak in their richness, for they, too, will pass from this form to another. 2) Strongest at Our Weakest It was in widowhood that I was at my lowest, most vulnerable, and my weakest. Others failed me in profound ways and even more prominent, I failed in my biggest ways in my hopeless survival. There wasn’t a lot to be proud of when I felt most broken, messy, abandoned, rejected, sinful and even suicidal. Enter in the power of a shameless and limitless God. “…I pleaded with the Lord to take [this suffering] away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…’ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight… in hardships… in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Corinthians 12:8-10 Widowhood was when I felt most powerless: • stripped of the right to practice my faith the same way my previous church • feeling like a bad/failing single mom • taken advantage of and unprotected • facing all the losses in finances and our future plans together • questioning my own abilities, worth and capability in nearly every way Yet through this season of being stripped down and at my weakest, this is where the Lord built me back up in Him and His strength! Refined into gold in the fire. As a widow: • I was still a needed part of the church “On the contrary, the parts of the [church] body that seem to be weaker are indispensable.” -1 Corinthians 12:22 • The Lord supported me as a widowed mom as well as my children “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” -James 1:5 • The Lord was my shield and defender “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” -Psalm 68:5 • I did not lose God’s plans for me, which were still good “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11 “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” -Psalm 27:13 • I was purified through the struggle and rooted in what is deeper “I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’” - Zechariah 13:9 You don’t have to feel or understand it right now for it to be true. You are empowered through the Holy Spirit, given your voice and worth. It will shine through the darkness. 3) The Deepest Anchored HOPE for a Christian Widow The irony of what the Devil tried to take from me through the death of my beloved was that Jesus came to give me, and secure, what death could never steal. Enduring the desert conditions of widowhood meant my roots went down deeper into what is eternal, what lasts, and what can never be taken from me. “Blessed is she who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. She will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” -Jeremiah 17:7-8 He provides the living water we can sink our roots into. The Hope that anchors our soul is in Him alone. We can trust in Him for our security, as we grieve the earthly frailty and loss of our husband. "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; on that very day, their plans come to nothing. Blessed is she whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God." -Psalm 146:3-5 Here’s the good news: it is not just surviving, suffering and enduring now in widowhood and going forward. The most mind-blowing part is that God says suffering, trouble, and hardship do not take our hope away, they actually lead us to HOPE! “…I will make the Valley of Achor (meaning trouble or suffering) a door of hope.” -Hosea 2:15 "… we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” -Romans 5:3-4 The sufferings and hardships can lead straight to eternal hope for widows. Widow by Faith Only a God of the impossible can bring that kind of beauty from ashes, and life from our broken heart. His thoughts and ways are so beyond ours; they are so much higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9). And that’s really good news, because it means there is so much more for us here and ahead than we can see with earthly eyes right now. But through the Spirit, we can walk by faith rather than sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). We can widow by faith, too. And, we can do that together. If you want to continue this journey of widowing by faith with your widow sisters who love the Lord, join us in The HOPE Stronghold It is a precious and valuable community that will transform your experience of being a widow. As always, here with you, Rachel 🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Why Every Christian Widow Needs Connection None of us wanted to join Club Widow. We weren’t asked... In fact, we weren’t actually invited! One day, the floor dropped out from beneath us, and we found ourselves here… We just arrived. Most of us found that there was no welcome party, connections or initiation; loneliness was the only one there to greet us. Widowhood is lonely, isn’t it? Many women begin searching for a Christian widow support group because they desperately need someone who understands. When you lose your beloved, the person in the world who really saw you and knew you, you feel invisible in a whole new way. Then you become preoccupied with survival. All the death to-dos, estate plans, financials, perhaps single mothering grieving children. We also lose many relationships we once had, and the unhelpful ways the world responds to our grief can make us inclined to isolate further. The truth is, we need connection. Desperately. But where do we find it? Searching for a Place to Belong The trenches of widowhood can be disorienting. Sometimes it feels like we are giving our all, but we’re not going anywhere. It can become especially disheartening when we try to make connections with others, but they don’t respond or it doesn’t work out. As a young suicide widow, I felt desperate for help and support, but I didn’t seem to be able to find the relationships I longed for. I tried many Christian grief support groups, from GriefShare (multiple times) and others to suicide loss groups, and connections with widow groups. But I still struggled to find relatable and reliable connection. I felt ashamed when it seemed I was “too much” for someone to walk alongside me and my children. I connected with a Christian widow support group, but my efforts to engage and be involved were one-sided (my side), and after many attempts I grew discouraged and disheartened. My faith was a matter of first importance to me. Jesus was my everything; sometimes He felt incredibly near, but other times, very far. I knew I wanted to get my roots down deeper into a gritty joy and deeper hope. I needed to connect to the Rock (Christ Himself) and what suffering and death could never take from me. I believe a key in the shift from utter aloneness to the incredible community I have now was persistence. I didn’t allow shame about my situation or hurt from the actions or limitations of others to become my identity. I kept pressing forward toward the body of Christ. Fast forward years down the road, and I had engaged and befriended so many widow sisters (in person from conferences, retreats, introductions as well as online through a myriad of avenues) that I was overwhelmed by all the relationships! Still, something was missing. Most connections weren’t at the depth I needed (you also can only have so many of those really deep ones), and I didn’t have a space to integrate these relationships, our faith, and our widowhood journey together. That was when the Lord gave me a clear message: Create the Christian widow support group you have been longing to find. He wanted me to build the community myself. A widow support group online where Christian widows could come together from all over the world, love Jesus, and widow by faith. To cry, to pray, and to laugh together. A grief space where we could be raw, honest, and real (not wounded by platitudes), but where we also didn’t circle the drain of hopelessness affirming how terrible it all was for each other, either. A place where we “grieve with HOPE,” as the Bible says in 1 Thessalonians 4:13. Often in the real disadvantages of widowhood, we start to have a victim mentality overall—that life is happening to us (usually not very good things). This can easily bleed over into our loneliness, lack of supportive relationships, and the hurts we have felt from the failures or inabilities of others. But the truth is we get to decide so much about who we want to be and what we want our lives to look like. Relationships, connection, and support are a prime example of this. We can create these things in our widowhood! Allow me to extend an invitation if you have not found your tribe as a Christian widow yet… Finding Your Widowhood Sisterhood The Lord knew I was not the only widow struggling to find Christian widow support and a Christ-centered place of belonging. Instead of finding this place, He led me to create one… And to pour in resources and guidance for this journey of widowing well. I had been a hopeless, lonely and lost widow, who had become filled with HOPE, connected and empowered to rebuild a beautiful life with Jesus through this season and into the ones to follow. No, none of us wanted to join Club Widow. But if you are a widow who wants to navigate this season by faith, there is a Club you do want to join! I would love to invite you to join us in The HOPE Stronghold, my virtual Christian widow community membership space where you are connected to faith-filled sisters who get it, and evidence-based support from me. "But the LORD has become my stronghold..." -Psalm 94:22 "For you have been...a stronghold to the needy in distress...a shelter from...the ruthless storm." -Isaiah 25:4 This space is for Christian widows: To feel seen, loved, and supported, finding joy in friendships and purpose in your life ahead. To be part of something bigger than yourself and the pain. To grow in your faith and walk with Jesus. To have a path forward to help you navigate grief, healing, and rebuilding your future. To have live calls together and be encouraged and motivated by your sisters. "If you are a widow reading this, I want to encourage you to reach out for hope. Rachel is an incredible guide for widows. The Holy Spirit truly works in and through her to bring encouragement and direction. [She] has challenged me to move forward with confidence and peace through the power of the Holy Spirit. Be encouraged, your time will be well spent in The Hope Stronghold. I hope to meet you there!” -C.S. Having a space to be seen, loved, supported and prayed over can change everything. That is what our community is about. “I suddenly don’t feel so alone anymore after making this connection to Rachel’s coaching and community. I know the Lord led me to her.” -K.H. If you are a widow looking and praying for a Christian widow support group where you truly belong, we would love to welcome you. Join us HERE Widowhood may be lonely, but widowing alone is lonelier. It doesn’t have to be that way; we look forward to welcoming you! With you, Rachel 🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Walking Widowhood by Faith: Finding Hope in the Middle of Suffering Becoming a widow is often the worst day of our lives. Even if we've lived through other painful seasons before, widowhood reaches into every part of us and our world. We don't just lose our husband... We lose the future we imagined, the rhythms of everyday life, the partnership we depended on, and many times our sense of identity and security. As Christians, we may already know what the Bible says about suffering. We may have pondered the answers in light of theoretical tragedy, or that of others on the planet. But when unbearable pain becomes our own, questions that once felt theological suddenly become deeply personal. How could a good God allow this? Why didn't He stop it? Why my husband? Why my family? I want to be clear with you, sister... I have no interest in minimizing the pain of widowhood or pretending that quoting a Bible verse suddenly makes everything okay. I have experienced spiritual abuse and manipulation myself (as well as untimely religious platitudes in grief). And as a suicide widow, who became hopeless enough to attempt to leave this world myself, I know deep pain. Yet it was in that deepest place of brokenness that God began teaching me truths that completely changed not only my widowhood, but the rest of my life. Truths that have changed me. There is a hope that goes deeper than both happiness and loss. There is a joy rooted in eternity that cannot be taken away by death. And while it may not be what our hurting hearts naturally want, it is the truth that gives us strength to endure and even transform through what we never would have chosen. That is where I want to go with you today. Let's go deep! ❤️‍🔥 Holy Spirit Hot Take: Widowhood Is More Than Something to Survive There are many wonderful resources that teach practical ways to "get through" widowhood (I offer them, too). And to be clear, we need those things. But in the midst of getting through widowhood, we don't want to miss the greater purpose of this season (of every season, actually): growing closer to Jesus. Widowhood, like every season of life, is ultimately an invitation to walk more closely with God. We can learn to widow by faith. I would even argue that it is the only way to: Find peace when many questions remain unanswered. See suffering through the lens of eternity instead of only today's pain. Experience God's strength where we feel weakest. Discover deeper purposes for which we were created. Widowhood, and all suffering and trials, can be a gateway into God's deeper purpose for your life. That is truly comforting; there is more here than just pain. Here are a couple Biblical truths and promises that can help us anchor our souls in rock solid hope.💗 1) Suffering Is Expected Ok, I know this one doesn't feel hopeful, but this was a foundational truth that steadied me when it all felt unbelievable, and when I was tempted to believe that God missed something or didn't love me (or Andre). As painful and difficult as loss is, the Lord told us to expect it in this world of the fall, brokenness, sin and hardship. This helps us with acceptance, which is a critical first step both in grief and the walk of faith. Jesus said in John 16:33: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." He stated the reality of suffering, but He also promised His peace and victory. Be encouraged and do not despair, because He is doing the heavy lifting of the weight of sin and suffering. Peter echoes this same reality and gives encouragement: "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed… So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." -1 Peter 4:12-13, 19 Widowhood is now our walk of faith. Our opportunity to trust God even here. Good News: Suffering Produces HOPE Even Paul chimes in on this "upside-down" Kingdom way of thinking: "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." -Romans 5:3-5 Naturally, we think hope comes after suffering ends (I prefer this!). Especially in widowhood... we just want out. But what if God wants to give us an enduring hope that transforms us in and outlasts all circumstantial suffering? 2) Widows Are Blessed! Ready to have your hopelessness turned upside-down some more? This next radical truth also challenges the way we naturally think about suffering and widowhood. According to the world, blessing means comfort, ease, success, and the absence of pain... Those things sure sound nice to me. But Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn: for they shall be comforted." -Matthew 5:4 Think about the value of God's comfort in our deepest grief, and the perspective it changes in us. Another way widows are blessed is how powerfully He shows up and gives His strength right at our weakest points and places (and we widows know a lot about weakness!). Paul pleaded with God to remove the thorn in his flesh—whatever suffering that represented in his life. Instead of removing it, God answered him in a different way: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:9-10 Where are you weakest sister? In your most painful and broken places of widowhood? That is where God shows up to give you strength, and that is where you are tapping into the power of the Almighty! His power meets us right where our own strength ends. That is one of the great paradoxes of the Christian life. Finally, we are also blessed with something widowhood makes us appreciate in a completely new way—His presence. "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit." -Psalm 34:18 "I will not leave you or forsake you." -Joshua 1:5 "Behold, I am with you always." -Matthew 28:20 As we walk this broken earthly road to our eternal heavenly one, He goes with us every step. When our closest earthly companion is gone, the Lord reminds us that His presence has never left. 3) Walking in Faith & Giving God Glory is the Goal of This Life🔥 This perspective changed everything in the way I viewed not only widowhood, but life itself. Walking by faith and bringing God glory is ultimately why we are here. That doesn't mean God wants our suffering. It doesn't mean He caused every painful event. But it does mean our greatest purpose has never depended on our circumstances. If my goal in life is simply to be comfortable, then widowhood will always feel like the complete destruction of that purpose and of my hope. But if my purpose is to know Christ, trust Him, glorify Him, and become more like Him, then even this painful season can become part of that journey. The Lord wants our faith!❤️‍🔥 How incredibly fitting for us that the parable Jesus comes up with to teach this is the parable in Luke 18 of the persistent widow! 😉 Follow me, here... This parable is like an Oreo: we often focus on the filling⚪ (the lesson in the middle about persisting to get justice) but the cookie, the beginning⚫ and end⚫ put it all together and drive the point home about our faith and how that is what the Lord desires most. ⚫ 1 "Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up." He describes faith in action: prayer with persistence. Seeking Him with trust and belief in His goodness. ⚪ (verses 2-6) The parable describes a widow who continually advocates for her justice. Persistence is shown to be effective even with non-believers (the judge who didn't fear God). Jesus then says how much more effective persistence in prayer is with a loving God whose heart is for us. ⚪ 7 "And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. ⚫ 9 However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" This word "however" is significant! Because after talking about the granting of the persistent widow's request, "however" seems to insinuate "Even if not" or "Regardless of if justice is granted as desired." Wow. Even if the prayer hasn't been answered as asked. Even in the hardship of widowhood. Will He return and find faith in us? That is what He desires most. Widowhood Is a Journey of Faith - Together "So… whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." - 1 Corinthians 10:31 Widowhood is an opportunity to glorify God through our faith. Just like every season in life. *Spoiler alert: remarriage and blending—or whatever season follows the one you're in now—is a faith journey, too!* "We walk by faith, not by sight." -2 Corinthians 5:7 One day our faith will be sight, and it will be easier. Right now, when He returns, will He find us persisting in faith? If you want to stay more closely connected in walking widowhood together by faith and in having support, I offer both a virtual Christian widow community where we live it out together as well as 1:1 coaching (which includes access to the community!). Let's keep going deeper into Jesus, together as widows. With you, Rachel 🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Have you ever felt like your life ended the day your husband died? Not physically—but in every other way. Maybe you've thought, "I died when he died." Maybe you've wondered what you're even living for anymore. Maybe you've found yourself simply waiting for "your turn" to go to heaven because he's already there. Perhaps you've wished you could leave here, now... If you've struggled with those thoughts, I want you to know you're not alone. I also want you to know that while part of you and your old life is gone, there is more for you than this. One of the hardest parts of widowhood is that we don't just lose our husband—we can begin to lose our sense of purpose, hope, and our desire to find deeper meaning. We can settle into believing that the rest of our life will simply be something to endure. While those deep feelings are completely understandable after losing our closest person: That perspective can become crippling Those beliefs can keep us stuck in the same dark version of life we actually hate They can convince us that there is nothing meaningful ahead They keep us from finding purpose as a widow when God still has more for us The Good News: It Doesn't Have to Stay This Way Sister, the truth is this: While you are still living, your good story isn't over yet. The Lord has so much more ahead of you than suffering. Suffering is part of the journey, but it was never meant to be the ending. One of my favorite examples of the call to life beyond death is found in John 11, the story of Lazarus. It's not just about Lazarus being raised; it's about Jesus' call to us. We see how Jesus navigated grief after death (for Himself and for the others who were mourning). Here are three beautiful reminders from that story for us as widows. 1) Jesus Receives Our Honesty with Grace After Lazarus died, both of his sisters—Martha and Mary— said the same grief-stricken words to Jesus: "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." -John 11:21, 32 Neither woman hid her broken heart. Neither woman pretended to understand. Neither woman felt she had to clean herself up before coming to Jesus. As widows, we can come to Him with that same honesty. We can ask our questions and tell Him about our pain. We can bring Him our disappointment, confusion, and heartbreak because He receives us with grace and love—not shame. 2) Jesus Grieves With Us "When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled... Jesus wept." -John 11:33, 35 Jesus: Saw their tears Heard their grief Cared about their broken hearts Grieved with them If you've ever wondered whether God really sees your pain as a widow, this passage reminds us that He does. He is not distant from your suffering. He enters into it and weeps with you. 3) Jesus Brings Freedom from Death I know every widow wishes her story could end the way Lazarus' story did—with her husband walking out of the tomb alive again. While God didn't choose to raise our husbands back to earthly life, I still believe He wants to raise you from the tomb you may have been living in. After Lazarus came out of the tomb, Jesus said, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go." -John 11:44 Can I ask you: What grave clothes are you still wearing? What is still carrying the stench of death in your life? What tomb do you need to come out of in your widowhood? Sister, it wasn't your time to pass, and it isn't now. It's time for you to live. Really LIVE. Renew Your Mind with Truth Romans 12:2 reminds us that we are transformed by the renewing of our minds. One of the ways you can begin finding purpose after losing your husband is by intentionally shifting your thoughts about what his death means for you... and aligning those thoughts with God's truth. So I have three powerful promises to give you briefly (but encourage you to meditate on)! 1) In Christ, Death Leads to Resurrection "But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you." -Romans 8:11 Death is not the end of God's story. Resurrection is. That same resurrection power lives in every believer. While your grief is real, it is not the final word over your life. 2) In Christ, Suffering Leads to Hope "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." -Romans 5:3–4 We often believe suffering steals joy and takes our hopes away. It's an incredible gospel paradox that God says suffering actually produces a deeper, gritty and eternal hope in what we cannot lose. 3) We Have Victory Over Death "When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' ...thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear...sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." ​-1 Corinthians 15: 54, 57-58 Our labor is walking through this season of widowhood by faith. It is not in vain! You have the victory, even over death. Grieving With HOPE "...Sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope." -1 Thessalonians 4:13 As believers, we have access to a resurrection HOPE; a different way of living through widowhood than the world. But it is sometimes hard to get a hold of in deep grief. In my early suicide widowhood, I grieved without hope, and with unbearable pain instead... Leading to two attempts of my own to leave this world. My epiphany moment came as the Lord gave me a new way of grieving with HOPE, healing, and rebuilding a life I love again. Walking that journey over years led to the Lord's calling to come alongside other Christian widows and show them the way. It's why I offer 1:1 coaching and have built a virtual Christian widow community. Here is a warm invitation for you to join me (you can click either of those links). Happy to have you on this road of HOPE, sister. With you, Rachel 🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

It Wasn't Your Decision My beautiful Christian suicide widow sister, I grieve with you as I welcome you to this subgroup of Club Widow. I know being here is unreal. Losing him is unbelievable. “Shock” doesn’t begin to describe it. It’s not fair how your old life shattered because of those actions. And it’s even more confusing that the actions were his. It wasn’t your decision. I know this widowhood grief has a different flavor. You may feel like you don’t fit even in widow circles (but you do). There are also more of us than you know, and walking it together will help you in this journey. I know you have so many questions. So many regrets. So many unknowns. I know the burning desire to do it over. To go back and make it different. I know you see things now that you didn’t realize at the time. Sister, I need to remind you, in the swirling storm of your heart and mind: It wasn’t your decision. Embrace this truth, and come back and repeat it as you rest in grace. Reject Accusation and Receive Grace Accusation comes from the enemy, who only comes to steal, kill and destroy further. You will never find answers, peace, or life in guilt and condemnation. It can come in so many forms: The enemy and the flesh in your own thoughts The blaming words or actions of others The things your late husband may have done or said It is so important that you identify and reject accusations immediately. While it is a normal part of suicide loss, it's also a poisonous part. Don't receive it. Don't let it sink in and spread. "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." -Romans 8:1 When I felt tempted to embrace accusation, blame, hate or anger from my late husband in his decline toward me before he passed, the Lord told me this: "Do not empathize with the demons who tormented Andre." That is not love, sister. It doesn't mean you are loving him to agree with the dark things that contributed to this loss. You will find freedom in: 1) Rebuking lies- send them far from you 2) Surrender-release what you did not have control over 3) Receive grace-that covers him, you, and everyone else Resist Enshrinement and Bedevilment Enshrinement and/or bedevilment of your late husband may be tempting. Resist these. Enshrinement is when you remember him or your relationship with him as perfect. You may hide the bad memories, and you may never speak the truth about the hard things, because you want to make him look like a saint. You equate this to "honoring" him. Honoring our person and their memory is an important part of remembering and of connecting to purpose in grief. But enshrinement is not the same, and ultimately keeps you stuck. Bedevilment is when you focus only on the negative, hurtful parts of the relationship. You only remember the wrongs, the fights, and the pain. While anger and regret are part of normal grief, we can get stuck there, too (this could also be anger at God or people other than your late husband). Healthy grief is honest about both the good and bad. Processing both allows you to bring healing to all the different wounds that need it, rather than avoiding by trying to make them "all bad" or "all good" now that they have passed. I know that sometimes, depending on the memory, you may feel like you are grieving two different people. This, too, is a confusing part of widowhood grief. This brings me to another gem I want to share with you as my Christian suicide widow sister... Your Husband Is More Than How He Died Your husband is now his true self in the Spirit. Your heart, body, mind and soul will be blessed by keeping this truth close to your heart, and it gives you perspective in losing him. As you heal through all that has happened with your late husband: He and his life are more than how he died All the wounds and pain that came from him are held to account by God You can find freedom and peace now and going forward All that he has ever said and done in the flesh and in sin is not who he is now, as his true self in Christ. He no longer holds falsehood, confusion or lies over himself, the Lord, or you. He can now see the truth very clearly, is completely forgiven and at peace, and he holds a deep and pure love for you. You can hold this space as well. This brings so much hope to your widowhood grief, and also to your rebuilding of a beautiful life. He is not that darkness or pain. He is not "back there." He is ahead of you in heaven, cheering you on! From his end of this now eternal relationship, all is well. You only have your own healing to focus on. And from the Lord and from your late person, you are supported in it. Moving forward into life, into joy (and even into love again if you so decide) is not betrayal. You are not hurting his feelings. You are living, and your relationship with him has changed into an eternal one. Nothing can thwart or diminish that. Also, I want to say clearly (while I am not able to unpack it all here): Yes, Christians can die by suicide, and it is NOT an unforgivable sin. There is devastation from all sin, but those in Christ are covered in love and grace. Be not afraid. You Don't Have to Walk Suicide Widowhood Alone You don't need to do this alone, sister. I have lived this journey. As a young suicide widow, I felt so alone and devastated, and I ran myself into the ground caring for my four children. I thought the terrible suffering was just how my life was, now... And I crumbled into attempting to leave this earth twice myself. Then I committed to a new path of widowhood with Jesus- deeper healing and community. It changed everything, and I rebuilt a beautiful life I truly love again. My life's work is now helping other Christian widows walk the same road. I would love to journey together with you. Here are a couple of ways we can: 1) The HOPE Stronghold virtual Christian widow community This is a growing, intentional space where I pour into my sisters. You will meet other widows who love Jesus and are navigating this together (and even having some fun doing it). Join us HERE 2) One-to-one coaching support With weekly, personalized guidance and high-connection support, I can help you in relieving pain and healing deeper and more quickly. It has been life-changing (and life-saving!) for my beautiful widow clients. (Plus, you get access to The HOPE Stronghold community free as a coaching client) Find out more HERE Sweet sister, as a Christian suicide widow, you do not have to wander through this alone. I want you to know that although we may not have met yet, I am already praying for you as you have joined this Club and are on this new journey. There is still so much HOPE and goodness ahead of you in the Lord. I promise. "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." -Psalm 27:13 You can find identity, healing, purpose, and with Holy Spirit power- keep living a beautiful life. With you, Rachel 🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

We made it to the end of our series on dating, remarriage and blending as a Christian widow. Here's a quick recap (with links in case you've missed them!): Part 1: The "Am I Ready?" to date question, and how do you know? Part 2: Knowing and using your convictions to guide and protect your heart Part 3: Where the "Who am I now?" widow identity questions intersect love after loss Today we're closing things out with Part 4: an emphasis on the long-term win by looking at being equally yoked in our faith. Is Your Relationship Built on the Right Foundation? A Biblical Perspective on Christian Widow Dating Dating again after losing your husband is a significant step... One that can bring hope, excitement, anticipation, and uncertainty—all at the same time. After everything we've walked through, we want this relationship not just to work, but to be built on a sound, stable and safe foundation. We (and potentially our kids) have already been through enough heartache, and there is a lot of pain potential in failed relationships in widowhood. Will your relationship be built on the right foundation? It's easy to find comfort, excitement and attention in another person. A relationship can have chemistry, shared interests, and the affection we long for. But if the most important issues aren't marked by unity and alignment, the foundation eventually begins to crack, and can fail altogether. Why the Foundation Matters Building a relationship without a strong, compatible foundation is like building a house on unstable ground. The long-term success relies on your discernment and decisions, from the beginning. When the most important areas of life aren't built on unity, you'll spend more energy trying to hold the relationship together instead of functioning as and enjoying a true team. Scripture teaches about being equally yoked because marriage joins two lives together. If two people are pursuing different directions spiritually, the covenant of marriage doesn't eliminate that tension. Instead, you're still yoked together while continually trying to move in different directions. Even though none of us chose widowhood, we do have the opportunity to choose wisely as we rebuild our lives. That's especially important because the honest reality is that remarriage and blending families is often more complicated than a first marriage. Divorce and failed relationship rates are also significantly higher as well. You're not simply bringing together two people. You're bringing together histories, children, family traditions, expectations, and losses. Loss is, in fact, often the common thread that brings everyone together, whether through the death of a spouse, divorce, or growing up in a home where parents were never married. Because of that, it's important to be honest with yourself during dating. The concerns you see today usually don't disappear after marriage (more often it magnifies them). Marriage doesn't fix a weak foundation. It reveals it. A Christ-Centered Foundation Is Redemptive in Love After Loss Remarriage after widowhood can be a beautifully redemptive gift when two people are equally yoked and committed to following Christ together. A marriage built on a Christ-centered foundation becomes a display of God's oneness to the world. When a couple is seeking the Lord together, there's greater confidence in the decisions they make because they're learning to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit together. He faithfully guides us into God's best, including marriages and homes that are built on the Rock (Christ) instead of sinking sand. “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock." -Matthew 7:24-25 That kind of foundation doesn't only bless the husband and wife. It also blesses the children. Children will not always understand nor be in favor of every decision. They may not always welcome change or immediately embrace a blended family. But there is security in watching parents who are both committed to following Jesus above everything else. Plus, navigating this with the Lord often involves more patience and consideration with them, as well as bringing them into the rebuilding rather than running over them to "put our lonely heart first." When children see that neither adult is simply doing what they personally want—but instead are seeking what Christ wants—they experience the security of parents who themselves are submitted to the Lord. This also gives children context and an example for yielding to and trusting their parents. Being yoked equally in Christ isn't just about the success of you and your chapter two. It's about the foundation of the new family that is being built. 3 Questions to Help You Evaluate Your Foundation So what are some practical ways to walk this out? Here are three areas worth prayerfully considering as you begin, continue, or end a relationship. 1) Is your relationship with Jesus genuine—and is his? Before you spend time evaluating someone else's walk with the Lord, honestly look at your own (that's what Jesus continually says😉). Here are some questions to ponder: Is there a real relationship with Jesus? How is it practically lived out (in reading the Word, participating with other believers, other spiritual disciplines, etc.)? Do you see evidence of a growing walk of faith, even through failures? When conviction comes, is shame taken to the cross rather than hidden? Is your life becoming increasingly rooted in and overflowing with God's love? Those questions matter because we can't consistently give away what we ourselves aren't receiving. The ability to extend grace, forgiveness, patience, and sacrificial love flows from living deeply connected to Christ. Neither of you will be able to love the other when they are not deserving apart from being connected to the source of grace Himself. 2) Are you truly compatible and equally yoked? Think back through the previous questions we've been asking throughout this series: Are you both genuinely ready? Do your convictions align? Do your core identities fit together? Being equally yoked is about far more than shared interests or enjoying being together. "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?" -2 Corinthians 6:14 And sister, please don't find someone who isn't leading his life (and yours together) and think you can help him up "salvation mountain," to bring him to God. If he does not know the Lord or is not living in committed pursuit of Him, hoping your relationship will change him usually isn't reality. Likewise, don't try to make someone into the husband or stepdad you hope he'll become if he isn't already showing you he is that person today. Believe the life he's showing you he's living. Marriage isn't the place to begin wishing or "turning" someone into becoming another person. 3) How are you including your children—and are you united in how you do it? Although I see the widow community emphasizing doing what you want for yourself regardless of the opinions of the kids, I think there is more care needed than that approach for long-term success. If children are part of your story (regardless of their age), think intentionally about how they'll be included throughout this process. That begins with how everyone spends time together and what activities you choose as relationships develop. Later, it includes conversations about wedding plans, family traditions, and what life together as a blended family will look like. Listening to your children's hearts doesn't mean they make every decision. But inviting them into the process where it's healthy allows them to experience participation instead of simply feeling that change is happening to them. It gives them an opportunity to develop ownership in this new season and helps strengthen the relationships you're building together. Perhaps just as importantly, it allows you and your future spouse to practice unity as you make these decisions together. ❤️ Build on What Will Last Entering a new relationship (or the potential of doing so) is an exciting season... And an incredibly important one to steward well. Your heart has already been through so much, as have your children's hearts. That's why it's worth slowing down long enough to ask one final question: Are you anchored deeply enough in the Holy Spirit to hear His voice above your own strong emotions—or someone else's? Feelings matter. Hope matters. Love matters. But the strongest relationships are built on something deeper than emotions alone. They're built on a shared commitment to Christ, a willingness to follow His leading together, and a foundation that can withstand the inevitable challenges that every marriage will face. When that foundation is in place, you can move forward with greater confidence—not because life will be easy, but because you're building your future on the One who never changes. Want Some Extra Guidance and Support? If you're unsure what it looks like to engage more relationally with the Lord and be led by the Holy Spirit in this season of widowhood, that's one of the key areas I help women develop through Christian widow coaching. A relationship isn't really a relationship if it isn't reciprocal... And your faith wasn't meant to be one-way prayers and journaling to the silence. His sheep can hear His voice, and the Spirit can guide you in dating, remarriage and blending after widowhood. Over the years, I've discovered spiritual disciplines and practical tools that help create space to hear more deeply from the Lord so you can rebuild your life with greater confidence in His guidance. If you're looking for Christ-centered support as you navigate widowhood, I'd love to invite you to schedule a connection call. Together we can explore whether Christian widow coaching is the right next step for this season of your journey. Let's Chat With you, Rachel 🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Welcome to Part 3 of our four week series for Christian widows on dating and remarriage. 💕 Part 1 was based on the question, "Am I ready?" while Part 2 tackled the issue of convictions in finding a partner. Check them out, and welcome back! Who Am I Now? One of the painful parts of widowhood is trying to figure out who we are without our late husband. In the realm of dating and remarriage as a widow, the stakes are high... and unfortunately, so are the rates of big mistakes in this area. I share this with gentleness from my own story—and from the experiences of many other widows I know. In our loss, we are vulnerable to getting involved in relationships that are not healthiest, compromising our values, or making decisions that bring even more heartbreak and grief into an already painful season. Many widows find themselves struggling with purity and/or in relationships they later realize were a mistake. Some carry deep regret from romantic choices they made while grieving. Others enter remarriage and discover unresolved identity struggles follow them there. Now, there is grace—abundant grace—for all of it, sister. This week is not about shame. It is about talking honestly about how we can guard ourselves from some of those cliff edges while we are figuring out who we are and navigating love after loss. I'm giving you some safeguards from unnecessary mess-ups. Let's dig in. Widow Problems: We Don't Know Who We Are Anymore One of the challenges of our widow identity crisis is that we no longer know who we are anymore. As we try to figure that out, it can make us particularly vulnerable in dating. If we're really honest, many of us are devastated, lonely, and desperate in our widowhood. That is not the place we want to make major relationship decisions from. Yet it is often exactly where we find ourselves, even when we are trying to do things the right way. We're trying to rebuild. We're trying to discover who we are now. And while there are ways it is okay to discover parts of that journey with another person, we also need to be grounded in who we are in Christ so that we do not get lost or warped inside a relationship. Knowing Your Worth and Value As you think about Christian widow dating or even the possibility of remarriage someday, one question matters deeply: Do you know your worth and value apart from another relationship? Are you rooted in the truth that you are not too messy? Not too broken? That your children are not a burden? That the answer to your financial provision isn't in a man to come along? When we are striving desperately to be wanted, accepted, chosen, or rescued, we end up attracting unhealthy relationships, unintentionally. But when we are rooted in who God says we are, we approach relationships from a much better place. Being rooted in your identity in Christ is one of the greatest gifts available to you in this season of widowhood. In many ways you are being given the opportunity to learn this more deeply than ever before. And I can tell you from experience that understanding this truth will bless your future relationships! 3 Dating Tips for Widows (From This Foundation) 1) Who or What are You Looking For (Really)? This is to ask yourself honestly. Are you looking for a husband? Or are you looking for a savior? Sometimes we can begin hoping that a man will provide what we can be filled and equipped with by God. Maybe we want someone to: Cure the loneliness Carry our burdens Protect us perfectly Provide complete security Fix the challenges of single parenting Rescue us from the weight we are carrying But who is your Savior, then? One passage the Lord gave me before my late husband passed—and then again very clearly after I became a widow—is Psalm 146:3-5: "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; on that very day their plans come to nothing. Blessed is [she] whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord [her] God." A physical man was never meant to carry the weight of being your savior. Not because marriage isn't good. Not because companionship isn't a gift. But because God wants to fill you with what truly satisfies. Jeremiah 2:13 says: "My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and hewn themselves cisterns—broken cisterns that can hold no water." When our thirsts are quenched by the Lord first, we are able to give and receive human love in a richer, more secure and fulfilling way... rather than finding our mouth full of sand, and our heart with disappointment. 2) Date With Confidence as a Heavenly Bride This changes a lot about how we approach a possible chapter two on earth. Here are some beautiful truths. You are already: -Spoken For "For your Maker is your Husband, the Lord of hosts is his name." -Isaiah 54:5 -Loved "I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." -Hosea 2:19-20 -Protected "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling." -Psalm 68:5 -Provided For "My God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:19 And God also calls others to care for widows: "...look after orphans and widows in their distress..." -James 1:27 When these truths become real to us, we stop looking for another person to become what only God can be. Or even better, what He already is for us. 3) Make Your Standard High (☝🏻Him) Knowing who you are in Christ profoundly affects your standards. When you know how God loves and treats you, you are less likely to lower your standards out of loneliness or desperation. You are also given a model for how to love another person, and have a foundation to stand on in rebuilding another romantic relationship. Jesus told the Samaritan woman at the well: "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." -John 4:13-14 You want this rather than going to a man to drink from a broken, empty cistern filled with dust. When you are drinking from the living water Christ provides, that life can overflow to your partner. Two people coming together solely from a place of need often end up draining each other. Think of two vacuums in the same space; they end us sucking the life out of the relationship. God wants something so much better for you, and your future together... Don't Find Your Identity, Live From It Sister, God wants the best for you: He wants you to be secure and filled in Him. He wants you to know your worth and value. He wants you to build relationships from a place of identity rather than desperation. And if marriage is part of your future story, He desires two people who are grounded in Him to come together in a way that reflects His love. Marriage was always meant to point beyond itself. " 'For this reason a man will l... be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church." -Ephesians 5:31-32 Knowing who you are in Christ will help you avoid some of the cliff edges that many widows encounter and give you a stronger foundation for whatever comes next. "Who am I now?" is a question many widows wrestle with. And it's a question worth answering before you build a new relationship around it. As you navigate dating, remarriage, and love after loss, don't rush past this identity work. A Next Step Forward Need other Christian widows who get it and are walking this road, too? Connect into a community of widows who love Jesus and a space with guided, Spirit-led support in The HOPE Stronghold virtual Christian widow community. Join us HERE. With you, Rachel 🌻As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!