Search Results

Nighttime Loneliness - An Intimate Struggle There’s something about the night in widowhood that can make it extra hard. When the house quiets, the world dims, and the noise of the day or children fades, the silence can roar with everything we’re carrying. The ache. The memories. The weight of another day without him... When we finally stop, we often feel more discomfort. I remember my second night of widowhood. I laid down, and found myself saying aloud (like I had so many nights), "Andre, would you cuddle me?" Only this time, there was no response... Just silence in a cold bed. Nights are brutal for many widows—not just emotionally, but spiritually . And if you’ve found yourself wondering if God hears you, if He’s near at all in your loneliness, you’re not alone in the struggle. But here’s what I learned, experientially, through my years of being a widow: Night, and bedtime, doesn’t have to be a hopeless hour for you. This space can still be sacred and intimate - in a new way - with the Lord. Widowhood Nights As Holy Space Although we prefer to be sleeping and have a break from the feelings of grief, we see throughout Scripture that God shows up powerfully in the night for His people: Jacob wrestled with the Lord through the night and was transformed- even renamed. Paul and Silas worshipped in prison at midnight, and chains literally broke. Jesus cried out to the Father in the Garden in the dark hours before the cross. In fact, God may even draw closer and seek connection in the quiet of the night, and our hearts can do the same: God personally called Samuel's name three times in the night, and when Samuel finally replied with, "Speak, for your servant is listening," the Lord did . (1 Samuel 3) "I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy." -Psalm 63:6-7 This can be our posture as well. When you grieve, struggle to sleep or you feel like the only one awake in the world, that sacred space may actually become your place of deepest encounter. That isn’t just spiritual sentiment. It’s a divine, relational reality. And there are practical, Spirit-filled ways to experience God as a widow (yes, at bedtime/in the night!) and deepen your connection with Him. What to Do With the Silence & Loneliness Here are four simple (but powerful when implemented) ways to begin reclaiming the night as a space of peace and presence: 1. Establish a Peace-Giving Evening Ritual Bedtime routines have been shown to reduce stress and benefit sleep through regulation of our circadian rhythm. Here are a few tips: Keep your bedtime consistent, limit screens and caffeine hours before, light a candle, dim the lights, and take a warm bath. In addition to considering your physical state, care for your spiritual state as well: Put on gentle worship or instrumental music. Create a small sanctuary in your space—a cue to your Spirit that the Lord is near, and rest is coming. 2. Breathe— with Intention and Scripture Yes, we're going to hit on breathing specifically (don't eye roll me😉). The impact of breath work has been proven in a variety of areas, from coping with trauma and vagus nerve regulation to Olympic athletics... don't underestimate its power to change your state of body and mind! If you struggle to sleep, you can even purchase a dodow device, which uses breath work to help you fall asleep faster (it has helped me). When your mind is struggling too, meditation on truth/praying something simple while also breathing slowly can be highly effective. Do it on repeat: Breathe in: "You are with me." Breathe out: "I will not fear." Or even: Breathe in: "Je-" Breathe out: "-sus" Remember, these are practices... which take time and, well, practice. ❤️ 3. Reflect on God in Your Day/Present Moment Answer these questions thoughtfully, giving thanks for the answers: “Where did I see You today?” "What do you want to give me, show me, or tell me right now?" 4. Have Others Pray Over You This one can be so powerful and helpful, but challenging at night time. We often don't want to disturb others at these hours, or they aren't available even if we reach out. However, it has been my experience that Holy Spirit-led prayer impacted my nights profoundly . And I've created a resource just for this reason, to be available to my widow sisters at any nighttime moment they need it: Prayers for Widows: Hope for Lonely, Hard Nights. I have provided both short written prayers, as well as three audio prayers for comfort, sleep and HOPE . The Lord led me to record these for you during my own time of fasting and prayer. You can even listen while lying in bed. No striving. Just receiving. (Step 4 is an easy one, isn't it!?) It's free and created with Spirit-filled love: PrayersForWidows.com Relational Hope Sister, I know the night can feel like the loneliest place in the world. But this space can be reframed, so that you experience that you are not alone . “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” —Psalm 34:18 Although my late husband couldn't respond to my request to be held, I later had encounters with the Lord where He cuddled me in my bed. I never knew that was possible until my widowhood. Let tonight be the start of something new, for you: Not just surviving another long night… but opening your hands to receive the God who meets you there. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Widowhood feels like being sentenced to a life void of goodness... But what you believe about it is everything . There were days I looked around my life—his empty seat at the table, the mounting bills, four kids without a father, the silence in the night—and thought, “This is it now. This is my life.” Pain had become the new normal. Grief filled every corner. And I didn’t dare dream of joy or purpose again—because honestly, I didn’t think those things belonged to me anymore. I mean, I was a widow now. Maybe you’re there too. You're surviving, going through the motions. And part of you is wondering if this season will ever feel like anything more than survival. Or perhaps you've gained some traction and are in "life maintenance mode." Here’s the truth that changed so much for me: Widowhood may be a wilderness—but it’s not a wasteland. It’s holy ground for the Lord to do a mighty work in and through you. Reframing Widowhood: A Sacred Wilderness, Not Wreckage Widowhood feels like being lost, with no map and no companion. But throughout Scripture, God has always used wilderness seasons to form, reveal. and even bless . 🔸 Joseph — Betrayed, enslaved. He spent many years suffering and in prison, with no rescue in sight. Yet he was never forgotten by God, who remained with Him and used that time to prepare him for a position of influence that would save nations. “But the Lord was with Joseph and showed him steadfast love...” – Genesis 39:21 Do you feel forgotten by God or like losing your husband was a mistake on God's end? Might you be open to His faithful care and plan for you in this, as He had for Joseph? 🔸 David — Anointed, waited... then ran for his life. Do you know what happened after the Prophet Samuel anointed David (as a boy) in front of his family as the future king?! He got sent back out to tend sheep... for many years . Talk about anti-climatic. And still before David ever wore a crown, he hid in caves, running from enemies, questioning his future. Yet those were the years God used to shape and refine his heart for leadership. 🔸 Jesus — Led into the wilderness before public ministry. Even Jesus (God in human flesh!), spent 40 days in a barren place—fasting, wrestling, preparing for ministry... and it was according to God's plan. Not because the plan got thwarted. My widow sister, you’re in good company in this wilderness! And here’s the HOPE you must hold to: This season is not a punishment. It’s preparation. It’s not a dead end. It’s a divine setup. And your widowhood is not a detour—it’s a holy assignment. Your Power Lies in What You Do With It Don't misunderstand this as invalidation or gaslighting. I’m not saying what happened was good or that the pain disappears. I’m not pretending brokenness is good or that death isn't an enemy. But I am saying this : The Lord knew this tragedy was coming, has planned to walk with you through it, and can use it for His glory and your good. You don’t have to wait for joy, purpose, or clarity to “someday” find you. You can start walking in your wilderness with power today. Let’s talk about how. 3 Steps to Walk Your Wilderness With Purpose 1. Shift the question from “Why me?” to “How/What now, Lord?” It’s normal to ask why. But staying there gets sticky. Begin asking God: “How can I get closer and deeper with you here?” “How do You want me to show up today?” “What goodness do you have for me going forward, in the land of the living?” “What do you want to give me, show me, or tell me right now?” Widowhood didn’t surprise Him. We didn't and don't want it, yes. But it’s not outside His plan, and it can't prevent the good things He has ahead for you. 2. Anchor your identity in His truth—every day. When grief is loud, the Spirit can still speak louder. Ask Him for specific declarations, promises and truths to hold onto. Put it in front of you daily. Post it on your mirror. Say it out loud. Again and again. I needed these reminders in front of me on every one of my darkest days. (PS- this is a reason one of my girls and I created our family HOPE Shop of hand-designed, tangible reminders of truth... to get other people through theirs! May they bless you or someone you love.❤️) 3. Take one faithful step forward. You don’t need a 5-year plan, friend. You need a next step. That could look like: Starting a new routine that brings a sense of peace and intention into your day Intentionally connecting instead of isolating (coffee with a loved one, joining a support group, meeting a new friend, etc.) Taking care of your physical and mental health (schedule the checkup, exercise, do something active you love) Dare to dream again (try writing what you feel called to ahead- any visions, hopes or desires to pursue) Remember, just like Joseph, David, Jesus and others... This wilderness season is only part of your story! God is still writing it. You’re Not Just Surviving. You’re Being Transformed. This wilderness you’re walking through? It’s not proof that God has left you. It’s proof that He is transforming and preparing you. “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:8 Your story isn't sidelined—it's sacred. Your hope isn't on hold—it’s available right now. And you? You’re not powerless. You’re walking with the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead. That means this wilderness will not be the end of your story... And you can partner with Him to step into the good things he has planned for you—right here and ahead! Ready to Reclaim More Than Just Functioning? If this message stirred something in you—if you're ready to walk forward, not in fear, but in faith—I want to invite you to take your next steps with me. ➡️ Visit www.hopespeaker.com/coaching There, you can learn more about getting Holy Spirit-led guidance through widowhood—with clarity and support from someone who's been there—so you don’t have to walk this season alone. You were never meant to. With you in the wilderness, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

The Ache of Being Alone in Your Loss Loneliness is one of the primary named struggles of widowhood. And that is significant loneliness ... Considering it is an epidemic in our common human experience before being widowed. When your husband dies, you lose your partner in the areas that are most important, and the person with whom you spend most of your time. This can mean your home life, family, intimacy, travel, adventures, hobbies, sports, even your sleeping and other areas of life have all now become empty and void of their presence. Additionally, grief adds another layer to loneliness, because people often pull away from those navigating painful loss, or fail to come alongside sufferers well. Let's be honest and full of grace, as there are many reasons for this: Most people (including us) don't know exactly what to say or do when faced with tragedy It's easier to hide and pull away then show up for grievers People already feel overwhelmed with life Suffering, and facing it honestly, scares people Most would rather avoid or cling to positivity and quick fixes than experience the discomfort of sitting in the ashes with someone who’s broken/hurting But isn't it ironic that we have each felt so alone in times of our own darkness, and yet we also avoid truly coming alongside people in theirs? My beloved Christian widow sister: You aren't spiritually immature or a hopeless cause if you aren't polished, positive, and back to smiling. You don't have to fake it or clean yourself up to be accepted. And he fact is, you need people in grief who will companion you well. Let's touch on what that means, and how to identify the characteristics. Companioning in Grief Is the Way Forward We know what it feels like when someone tries to “fix” our grief, make our loss smaller or tells us to live like it's not there. But what does it look and feel like to experience a different, healthy and powerful way for someone to come alongside us? Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a leading voice in grief education, teaches something I believe every widow needs to understand as she finds and chooses those who can enter deeper into widowhood with her: Companioning is a sacred way of walking with someone in sorrow—not trying to change, push or fix them, but simply to be with them in a way that is truly connecting and helpful. People need more than a message of hope to get out of the depths. They need us to embody it with them there. This is what widows are often aching for, when the person they would go to for support is the one who died. Not advice or platitudes. But like Jesus; loving presence in our pain. Because when we feel seen, known, and our struggle is validated, we are often more open to stop defending our grief, cling to it, and can have forward movement in the journey with that safe person. What to Look For in a Grief Companion If you're walking through grief—here are 4 characteristics of an empathetic grief companion, drawn from Dr. Wolfelt’s Companioning Model. While no one will be perfect, consider these traits green flags in considering who to open up to/go deeper with on your journey of grief: 1. Presence Over Fixing They don't try to solve your grief or push you out of it They speak the Word over and to you, but they don't quote Scripture to bypass your pain They can just be with you, even in silence or with a hug 2. Understanding that the Griever Is the Expert They don't try to push or drag you to a different place, especially without mourning with you They respect your need to honor your person and your story They don't only give you advice/tell you what to do They are able to come alongside because they can experience their own grief in authentic and healthy ways 3. Bear Witness Without Judgment They can come alongside the mess without guilting, shaming, minimizing or invalidating your journey 4. Look for Genuineness and Warmth The relationship feels safe, and the connection has genuine empathy (trust your gut) They are honest and authentic, and build trust over time PS- Here's a bonus video including more on the topic of today's blog and Dr. Wolfelt's expertise: Watch: Stuck in Grief—Here’s What Most People Get Wrong Keep Your Healing Heart Open I call these types of grief companions as "the faithful few," because they are often rare gems. You cannot expect these behaviors- most people don't "get it" and their own limitations keep them from being this for you. But don't give up praying for and seeking these treasured friends. They may come out of the woodwork where you least expect them. You may find them in a grief or support group, another church or church group, through a widow's event, or even through someone else you know. Please stay open to finding a faithful friend, rather than closing off, isolating or giving up. Also, when (not if) people fail you, and you them, remember the grace that covers all, and remain rooted in the Love of Him who walks alongside you as the perfect faithful grief companion. This is a holy journey: keep your heart and eyes open to how the Lord meets you through faithful people, lots of random people and acts, and most of all through His Holy Spirit in you. And as we have opportunity, may we be brave enough to offer the same companionship we so badly needed ourselves. With you, Rachel 💛Ready for a Widowhood Grief Companion and Guide?💛 If your heart is longing for safe, faith-filled connection and support in your grief—that still has forward movement—you have found your Coach! You can heal, grow and rebuild a life you love again. And, you don’t have to do this alone anymore. Learn more about Coaching with me HERE. 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

🥀 Widowhood Is Savage Let's just be real about it. In one sense, widowhood has the potential to bring out the very worst in you. When you have lost your husband, you instantly lose so much more in regards to your needs... leaving a gaping hole in relationship, sex, parenting, finances, future, protection and so much more. You are left with chaos, pain, and instability in all kinds of ways. When you are already so lonely, and with such low bandwidth and capacity (plus a heavier load to bear alone), you are even more likely to lose willpower battles, feel weak, or give up. It is an extremely vulnerable time. As a widow tries to cope, she may find herself struggling in behaviors and survival tactics she never imagined, or doing things - wrong things - she never thought she would do. Addictions. Unhealthy patterns. Wrong relationship(s). Destructive coping. Sin. Isolation. Secrets. Failure to get out. Shame. That's a downward spiral. While we certainly all have challenges in our widowhood, we need to be really honest. If you know it’s wrong—or if you’ve tried to stop and can’t—you’re not just hurting. You’re stuck. And maybe you've been stuck for a long time. But here’s what I need you to know: Grace, mercy, and change can still meet you here . Yes, in the mess of widowhood. Because by doing whatever it takes to find freedom on the other side of the struggle, widowhood has the potential to bring out the very best in you, too. 🌹 Stuck in the Shame Spiral Do you have any secrets or dark struggles in your widowhood? Secret behaviors? A secret or illicit relationship? Secret coping mechanisms that are destructive to you? Here’s the truth that's hard to acknowledge: Anything that’s hidden grows in the dark. But when you're grieving and struggling to find safe, healthy relationships in your journey—you're already isolated without support. Because almost nobody outside the trenches truly "gets it" when it comes to widowhood. And because you don't feel like there's anyone—or any place—safe enough to bring it into the light. "Who could I tell, and talk to?" "Who will understand and not judge further?" "Who would know my worst and now add to my pain and shame?" So you keep it quiet. Keep it secret. Try to pray and read and fight it on your own. But you haven't gotten free. You're still stuck. And it's taking the life, joy, and peace you desperately need to heal and rebuild in your widowhood. THIS is your sign, sister. You have found a safe place, and your secret struggle needs to be told and shed. Bring It to Light, Seek Support & Let God Begin the Work Perhaps you have a struggle that isn't morally wrong, but is unhealthy, destructive or something painful you can't seem to get out of. It affects your grief journey, darkens your lens on life and breeds hopelessness. It may be emotional eating, or neglecting your body, causing health decline. Or perhaps sleeping to cope with it all, to the detriment of your home or your kids. Maybe you feel a crisis of faith in your relationship with God that is causing you distress in your grief as it is not addressed. Or perhaps it is sin. An addiction you use to cope with your daily life (sexual relationship(s), substances, p0rnography, gambling, and more). Perhaps it involves your anger or rage. As a woman of faith, I know that we are all sinners, and that Christ's mercy is far deeper than our worst failure. We also must own our own life. This quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer is revealing: "The more isolated a person is, the more destructive will be the power of sin over him, and the more deeply he becomes involved in it, the more disastrous is his isolation. Sin wants to remain unknown. It shuns the light. In the darkness of the unexpressed it poisons the whole being of a person." This isn't about shame or making everything into sin, but it is about healing and recovery. Whatever battle you are in, you don’t have to fight alone anymore, sister. In fact, you were never meant to. Healing doesn’t come through hiding—it comes through being known  in a sacred, judgment-free space and letting God begin to unravel the chains. And you are worthy of every resource (time, money, effort, etc.) to find freedom and forward movement... instead of the road you've been on. And listen, sister—your secrets may feel like they define you. But they don’t. They’re just the battlefield. Freedom is still possible. Five Questions in the Path to Break the Cycle If something in your spirit is stirring right now, stop scrolling. Let's dig a little deeper. Take out your journal—or open a blank note—and answer these four questions with brutal honesty : 1) Where am I stuck in secrets or unhealthy behaviors in my widowhood? This might be physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual. Say it plain. You are shedding light to name it honestly. What are you struggling with? What do you need to stop or change? 2) What have I tried to do to end the cycle or get unstuck? And, why do I think it hasn’t worked? This is where we stop the surface-level solutions and dig deep. Name your attempts at change, and why you honestly believe they failed. 3) What am I believing this destructive action gives me? What does it give me (temporarily)? It has become your solution for a reason. Does it give you: Comfort? Escape? Control? Companionship? If it's hard to find an answer, you can also ask: What is my resistance to letting it go? 4) What is the cost of this? Time for more brutal honesty. Is it truly helping—or costing you even more? What is at stake for you, your children, for others, if you continue? 5) Am I willing to make it known, get help, and pursue freedom in this area? Gently, I tell you- if you don't care and don't want to change, it will never happen. Everything really culminates to this: Am I willing to do whatever it takes to heal and rebuild in hope and joy? If the answer is yes, even if you feel feeble or unsure... you’re ready. I hold so much belief for you and with you. There are different paths you can take, but here is my offering to you: If you are willing to get real and start, I’ll walk with you the rest of the way to breaking chains and rebuilding a life you want again. You can learn more about Coaching with me here . Your secret doesn't define you. But your next step might just set you free. Even this has the potential to bring out the best in you, sister. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

When my husband died, I knew my world was forever changed. I expected grief and sadness. But I didn’t expect the changes in dynamics and relational pain with family and in-laws. When things already felt fragile, I also needed to navigate differing expectations, roles and have conversations I never imagined having without him by my side. I had to face indirect and direct blame for his suicide, and the family situations I knew forever changed. If you’re a widow who has had family relationships strained in hurtful ways—you are not alone in these losses. Sometimes Losing Your Husband Means Losing Family, Too At least, losing the way family used to be... which can be excruciating. One of the most painful realities of widowhood is that your entire relational world changes. Not just internally—how you see yourself, how you operate without your spouse—but externally, in the way others now interact with you. I have connected with enough widows to know how common it is, although the losses can come in many forms. The in-laws who once felt like parents and considered you a daughter might become distant, absent—or perhaps invasive or angry. Sibling relationships are strained. Your role in family traditions gets questioned—or erased. When you get cut out, you must acknowledge the reality that the family "bonds" were conditional, limited, or weren't based in a relationship with you . And sometimes, even your own family starts to feel unfamiliar. Your husband may have had an important role in your interactions with your biological family that have now shifted. And sometimes, it's those closest to you that bring the most harm in widowhood. Or perhaps it's you who has changed, and people expect you to stay the same through tragedy. The fact is that everyone has lost an important person, and may cope with it differently. In the case of suicide (even though it may be acknowledged that the person made their own choice to end their life), there can also be underlying or blatant blame to the spouse for their "contribution." Finding the "guilty one" in suicide loss is the Devil's playground- and it's excruciatingly common for suicide widows to encounter. The emotional mess of grief has a way of colliding with everyone else’s expectations, coping mechanisms, and unresolved pain. And rejection/mistreatment from family hits widows HARD. Widowhood often exposes the fragility of human relationships. And that can feel like another loss entirely. Thankfully, we have ground and HOPE to stand on that is rock solid. You Can Stay Grounded and Empowered—No Matter What Others Choose Here’s the shift that changed everything for me (when it went from intellectual knowledge to practice that is!): My stability doesn’t depend on other people’s behavior or acceptance of me. It depends on my true identity, and how I manage myself. We may not get to control the way others grieve, respond, or treat us—but we do have the authority, through Christ, to stay grounded, set boundaries, and seek support in healthy ways. Your role in your family, and/or with your in-law family may have changed, but your eternal relationship and calling haven’t been canceled—they can actually be clarified. Listen to these truths and let them soak deep. People's inability to embody or reflect the love of God does not diminish how the Lord offers it to you. "So then you are no longer strangers, but... members of the household of God... In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit." -Ephesians 2:19, 22 "See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are!" -1 John 3:1 Finally, in Romans 11:17, Paul explains that those who were previously not "in" as a part of God's family have been grafted in, with the same rights, inheritance, and relationship as His chosen people. SO. HAVE. WE! Even if you have experienced the opposite in your widowhood, or lack a healthy and safe family to call "home," you are invited, chosen, and included with the Lord. It is from this place that we must root ourselves as we look at practical steps to navigating family challenges in widowhood. How to Stay Grounded When Family Dynamics Get Complicated 1. Communicate About Hard Things (Even When It's Messy) Conflict is inevitable in grief, when everyone’s hurting. Instead of trying to judge motivations or change others, focus on managing your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Have the hard conversations. Be honest, but clear and kind. Initiate discussions, not to fix people, but to express needs and values. What happens (or doesn't happen) from there isn't on you. Self Reflection: What’s one family situation where communication could bring clarity or peace? 2. Set Boundaries That Honor God and Protect Your Peace Boundaries aren’t about control or punishment. They’re about protection—creating space for you to remain safe, stable, and obedient to what God’s asking of you. A boundary is not about their response; it’s about your responsibility. You get to choose how and where you will show up in the relationship... in a place and way that glorifies God. Self Reflection: Is there a boundary you need to set—or reinforce—with someone? Or perhaps, is there a boundary of someone else's that you need to honor? 3. Seek Support (Even If It Doesn’t Come from Family) As much as it sucks, the support and help you need as a woman without a husband may not come from the family you have remaining. Despite culture, past experience or your expectations... "family" may no longer look the way you hoped. Or worse, it may not be what is healing or helpful to you/your children. It’s okay to have needs!! And it’s okay to get them met in places outside of your original circle. Just because support doesn’t come from those related to you doesn’t mean it can’t be found. Keep seeking. Keep asking. I have found the church and faithful friends have been more consistent than family. There are also community organizations that can help fill the gap. Reflect: What are 2–3 practical needs you have right now—and who could you ask for help? Heart Note - Forward Movement in the Lord I used to believe that if the people closest to me wouldn't show up, I must be asking too much (even if I was drowning). But the truth is, God often brings new people into our lives to meet the needs that old relationships no longer can. And that doesn’t make you disloyal. It makes you discerning. You are not left behind, sister. You are called forward. You don’t have to be defined by other people’s limitations or dysfunction—you can be defined by God’s direction. Keep taking steps forward. With you, Rachel 🙏 Want help navigating the emotions and practical steps of all the struggles of widowhood? Access free resources here , or schedule a coaching consult ation with me to learn how together, we can help you reclaim HOPE & confidently rebuild a life you can love again! 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

I remember sitting on the floor in a tiny room outside of a small counseling office, flustered and exhausted, trying to keep 3 of my children quiet while the 4th had a therapy session on the other side of the door. I had just picked them all up from school, and we had another therapy session for another child after the one we were all at. I was trying so hard to get everyone what they needed after their Daddy/ Uncle Daddy, had died by suicide. But it would be some time before I realized that the burdened and compacted lifestyle of constant hole-plugging (I was trying to keep the family "ship" afloat, alright?) was actually having negative effects. I had thought that the impossible load was just how life was now. Me doing life alone, trying to carry all these children on my back... trying to keep everyone alive. But that was just it. Survival mode can't be the new, forever normal. And it became glaringly obvious after my first attempt to end my own life in the wake of his death. Widowhood isn’t just losing your spouse—it’s parenting in the aftermath of that loss as well. And it is so important that we keep wisdom and balance as we walk it out, recognizing that our own health is the foundation to it all in these discussions. There's a lot of value in today's post. Let's dig in, sister! Grieving as a Widow and  a Mom Let's be honest. It's tough when you're both the one who's lost and the one the little people around you look to. Here are a few ways that it's messy: You’re in the thick of your own pain—yet still need to show up for your children and their needs. Your kids may express grief in ways that confuse or hurt you (acting out, shutting down, emotional regression) and your bandwidth already feels low. You feel guilty when you’re not “strong,” or when you miss signs of their grief. You fear that your grief might burden them… but hiding it doesn’t feel honest, either. You may wonder: How can I help them process their pain when I don’t know what to do with my own? The burden isn’t just grief—it’s the pressure to guide someone else through it while feeling lost yourself. While nothing erases the weight of this dual journey, there are lifelines that can help you support your children while tending to your own healing. You Don’t Have to Choose Between Their Healing and Yours In fact, you can't. Because you (your well-being) are the foundation to both. It's just like the instruction before takeoff from the flight attendants: "Put your oxygen mask on first, then assist your children to put on theirs." I mean, I'm a Nurse! I should have known better, right?! But everything in me defaulted to becoming a sacrifice on their behalf, which seemed loving... until there was nothing left of me. And at the end of me, there was no helping them. So, in this challenging dynamic, cover yourself and your children with grace, and keep in mind: Healing is not either them or you. It’s both/and. While very hard to accept: Widowed Mama, your healing must come first. This is how you give them the best (safety, emotional stability, and spiritually availability, etc.). If you ignore your own pain, your children will inevitably feel the weight of it/its consequences—even if they can’t name it. You set the emotional tone of the home. If you’re shut down, maxed out, or constantly running on empty, it’s not sustainable—for you or them. Show them what faith-filled healing looks like (let your honesty open doors for theirs). You can’t pour from an empty cup—but when your cup is being refilled by God’s grace, your children get to drink from it, too. You don’t need to have it all figured out—you just need to be willing to take steps with Holy Spirit. Now let’s look at some practical, research-based, age-appropriate ways to care for your child’s grief—and your own. How to Support You, & Your Grieving Child (at Every Stage) 1. Invest in Support for Yourself First You cannot walk your child through grief well if you’re buried under it. Whether it’s therapy, support groups, coaching, self-help books, or other options—your healing is foundational to theirs. I always remind people that they are worth whatever resources needed (time, money, effort, resources) to stay alive, to heal, and to rebuild . Believe it! If you are providing support to children but it all feels overwhelming (like my story at the start of this blog), check in with Holy Spirit for guidance about saying "no." Support shouldn't be running you into the ground. Remember, your kids don’t need a perfect mom. They need a healing one who invites them to heal too. 2. Communicate Openly and Age-Appropriately When my husband passed by suicide, there were people very close to me who told me I shouldn't share how he passed with my kids. While I believe the decision belongs to each widow, I am grateful that I didn't choose out of fear. My gut told me that honesty was important for trust in this grief journey with my children, and I knew if they didn't hear it from me, they would eventually... from someone else. Later, the input from a children's grief specialist affirmed my decision. But how do we have these hard conversations with our kids (suicide or not)? Here's a couple tips: Keep the conversation door open. They may not want to go deep when you plan to. They may also bring it up out of the blue. Be ready and open when they are. Avoid vague language with young children such as “he went to sleep”—they often have black-and-white thinking, and may interpret this literally. I told my children, "Daddy died by suicide. He did something to his body that caused him to die." Be ready to revisit and repeat. Grief matures as your child does, so they may revisit the death over time with new questions or emotions. You may be surprised at how much you will need to repeat (they are in a fog, too). Not every question they have needs an answer right now, if not age appropriate. While I want the door to communication open, I have also not gone into horrific details with young ones, even when they have asked for specifics. But I do let them know we will return to it and talk together when they are older. 3. Understand What Grief Looks Like at Different Ages This chart give some helpful insight into grief at different childhood stages: Age Range Common Grief Behaviors Ages 3–5 Regressed behavior, confusion about death permanence, clinginess, magical thinking Ages 6–9 Fears of abandonment, somatic (bodily) symptoms, acting out, constant questions Ages 10–13 Isolation, defiance, sadness, identity confusion Teens Withdrawal, anger at God or parent, rebellion, risky behavior, deep internalization 4. Create Structure and Stability Routine helps anchor children when everything else feels chaotic... and it can be regulating for us, too! Although it's a hard time and discipline of any kind may seem too harsh, remember: Boundaries still matter—structure is an act of love and safety for both of you. 5. Use Tools for Emotional Expression Art, journaling, grief books, music, talking, role play with dolls/stuffed animals, physical movement. If your child is struggling, investigate art therapy, play therapy, occupational therapy... There are many resources available that might fit just what they need. Create "grief rituals" they can turn to when missing Dad (light a candle, prayer time, memory box, etc.). 6. Model and Invite Honest Faith Let them see you be human, cry, and also lean on Jesus. Pray aloud when you’re hurting, and let them see you model running to the Lord in your need. “Jesus, we need You. We’re so sad. Please help us today.” Don’t default to spiritualizing grief by jumping over feelings/ the process and telling them why it's all ok. Instead, make space for their honest feelings, struggles, and questions about God. In It Together Widowed mothering isn't like anything else. And you know what? We're not only in the trenches together, but we are equipped and upheld by One who sees all, knows all, and is so eager to walk this with you. Friend, you’re walking your kiddos through the valley of the shadow of death with courage. You are still here. Still showing up. Still loving them deeply. And that is everything. With you, Rachel If you’re a widowed mom and feel hopeless, helpless or lonely... I am here to support you in healing and taking confident steps toward a brighter future. My 1:1 widow coaching is built for this sacred space. Book a free consult and let’s talk. You’re not alone in this. Coaching Consultation 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

When we are in the wake of tragedy, and all we see is loss, it’s hard to believe anything good could ever come for us again. I know the weight of hopelessness—to the point of attempting suicide after my husband died by the same. I understand what it feels like to have your life stolen from you in a way that seems unrecoverable. And while true grief- acknowledging our very valid pain and losses- is a vital step in our grief journey, it's not the final destination . Healthy grief actually does have a forward movement, where you incorporate loss into your life but you don't stop living it . When grief becomes a whirlpool of pain we circle that keeps leading to rock bottom, we're in a bad cycle. We often get stuck repeatedly looking back and only wanting/trying to live the old life we had. But here’s the truth that isn't named enough (because if we're honest, we grievers don't want to hear it): You won’t recover the same life. How could you, when he will never again be in it? However, that doesn’t mean your life is over. If we still want hope, joy, and a life we can love again, we must be willing to shift our gaze and look ahead to the possibilities of our future. Sister, there is a ground underneath you that does not shake. It is the promise of resurrection—not of what was, but of a new thing the Lord will do in, through, and for you. Doing CPR on a Life That No Longer Exists After loss—especially the traumatic, gutting kind that comes with widowhood or suicide loss—so many of us get stuck in grief. It impacts who we become, and the entire rest of our lives. We’re not trying to rebuild; we’re often busy performing CPR on our former life. Forgive the metaphor if it is triggering to you, but I find it not only fitting in widowhood, but relatable as a former RN (including ER and ICU Nursing). CPR is performed for resuscitation- trying to revive someone that is unconscious or dead. As widows, we know what it's like to walk in the valley of the shadow of death. Our losses aren't imagined; we feel the realities every day. We grieve our person, the future we planned... The version of life that held our past joy, security, and identity. And so, naturally, we fight to bring that same version back. Both our subconscious and conscious mind wrestle, doing CPR. "What if.....? Would he still be here? If only...." The memories of life with our person we sit with at the bottom of the whirlpool Being in denial, pain, and closed off to future hope Being stuck in anger and defense of our grief But the CPR on our old life doesn't work; unfortunately it can never come back. The problem is when we try to permanently survive in the ruins instead of rising from them. We believe the lie that we’re stuck here forever. That this is all that’s left. That resurrection isn’t possible. But God doesn't ask you to live in the ashes. He invites you to trade them for beauty... God Is Doing a New Thing Here’s what I want you to know, sister: In Christ, death is not the end- resurrection follows. I want you to know that it is coming, for you. It may not look like the life you had before, but it will be life . It will be good . There is a new chapter being written. As painful as it may be to hear: you were never meant to recover what was— you are meant to receive what’s ahead. This isn’t about minimizing your pain or pretending your loss doesn’t matter. It’s about holding the truth that while life as you knew it may be over, your story is not, because it is still being written! HOPE is available to you. Trust/fall back on the coming resurrection of your hope, joy, & future dreams. Death is not the end. It precedes a resurrection that is coming—with certainty. Even if you can’t see it or feel it yet. Even if it feels impossible. We can’t always trust what our dark perceptions are telling us. But we can trust the God who speaks light into darkness. How to Step Into Resurrection Living If you're open to stopping CPR on your old life, and instead taking the loss and growth with you into your new life, here are a few places to start: 1) Name the Deaths You’re Still Grieving Not just your husband, but the dreams, the identity, the future you pictured. Say them out loud. Write them down. Acknowledge what has been lost. We can't skip the early steps of grief. Validating and empathizing with the pain is a place we begin. But it's not the only step... 2) Ask: What If God Wants to Rebuild Something Beautiful? What if your future isn’t a consolation prize (given to last place)—but a new, divinely-authored chapter that could hold as much love, purpose, and joy as the first? What might some of your future hopes and dreams be? A large part of rebuilding starts HERE: Your openness and willingness to receive the future possibilities. If you close off or reject them, you can be certain you will not experience them. 3) Speak Resurrection Truth Over Yourself When hopelessness hits, declare what's real. Here are some powerful Biblical truths for widows: "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." -Isaiah 43:19 "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." -Psalm 27:13 "So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten... And it shall come to pass afterward that... I will pour out My Spirit in those days." -Joel 2:25, 28-29 "For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality." -1 Cor. 15:52-53 "But we do not want you to be uninformed about those who [have passed away], that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope." -1 Thess. 4:13 4) Take a Step What would taking a step toward embracing hope look like for you? Maybe it means allowing yourself to get excited about future desires. Maybe it means taking a first step toward a new dream. Maybe that means investing in yourself through coaching with me or another widow coach. Maybe it just means getting super honest in prayer. But take one small step forward. Time to Shift The repeated moments I stopped trying to live in my old life and finally allowed myself to open to what might still be ahead, changed everything. It was not in denial. Not in forgetting. But in faith. And something shifted. Sure, it was scary! And it didn’t make the pain disappear. But it made space for the possibility of joy, peace, and HOPE. Friend, there is more ahead for you. It will not always be the way it is right now. He is faithful to you. And your story isn’t over yet. With you, Rachel Our Family HOPE Shop *In case you didn't know* One of my girls and I hand-design tangible reminders of hope... because we needed to see them in every one of our darkest days after losing Andre. The HOPE Shop exists to help other people in their dark days. Whether for you or as a gift, our items made with love (tote bags, mugs, shirts, hats, stickers and more) are a reminder of truth and HOPE. Plus, every purchase supports the work we do for widows and suicide prevention. It doesn't get better than that! Start shopping and Join the Movement of HOPE! 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Have you ever been in a church where the Bible was taught "rightly," but the arrows of its distorted form continued to be sunk into your heart? Arrows that tell you: You are too messy, too broken, too extreme. You are a problem, and don't belong with us. You are disqualified and ineffective. You can't say "No" or have boundaries- you don't even know what they are. You are out of place as a woman, are unsubmissive, and are too loud. Despite having experiences receiving these messages ongoing, it took a long time to sink in that being accused, shamed, and made to be the one in the "wrong," in my attempts to understand or have a voice... wasn't something I could fix. I had loved my church—served in it, trusted leaders, gave my time, my money, and my heart. But somewhere along the way, the gospel I’d heard preached became unrecognizable in the way I was treated. Shame replaced grace. Silence was rewarded more than truth. And my voice? It became a liability. All under the banner of the Bible. So I left. I needed to . Maybe you did, too. Not because you gave up on God. But because the place that claimed to represent Him didn’t look anything like Him, and you weren't safe in its grip. But I want to gently challenge the belief that every church is the same. Because the truth is: Safe, healing churches DO exist, my friend. For me, leaving that church was led by the Spirit and confirmed with wise counsel. And He directed me in my search, through the desert of widowhood and the COVID pandemic, to a safer, healthier church. Your pain is real. But your pain is not the whole story. There is more for you. There is HOPE for you. And there are churches where healing is not only possible—it’s actively pursued. The Cost When the Church Doesn’t Look Like Christ Spiritual abuse and manipulation leave deep wounds... lies about who you are, fundamentally, as God's child and the nature of your relationship with Him. It is a deep betrayal, where the very character of God is distorted through the people that are meant to reflect Him. Maybe you were silenced, gaslit, or shamed for asking questions or following your convictions. Perhaps you were seen as rebellious when you set boundaries, or labeled "difficult" for noticing and naming spiritual manipulation or gender-based oppression. When those who hold power in the church misuse it, the fallout is devastating. Especially when it’s swept under the rug, spiritualized with half-truths, or when your character is called into question to protect theirs. And here’s the thing: It’s not just you. This kind of harm happens far too often. And when leaders fail to acknowledge it, the Body of Christ suffers, and God grieves. The gospel is not displayed- inside the Church, or to the world. The longing for a place of real safety and actual freedom in Christ is not rebellion, it’s discernment. And while it's a normal survival instinct to pull away from deep pain (and stepping away may be necessary for healing), staying in isolation need not be the end of your story. There are churches that are safe and reflect the heart of Jesus. Let’s talk about what they look like—and how to begin healing. What Safe, Healthy Churches Look Like You don’t need a perfect church. (Spoiler: there are none.) But you do need a healthy one. Here’s a few characteristics of them: 1. They Are Honest and Repentant They don’t excuse spiritual abuse, manipulation or mistreatment—from anyone . They name failures, repent on behalf of them, and mourn harm done. Safe churches don’t protect systems, roles or authority—they protect God's people. Especially the most vulnerable. 2. They Empower All Believers to Hear God for Themselves These churches honor the power of the Holy Spirit in every child of God. They believe He speaks, convicts, comforts, and leads—not just pastors, but all people equally. They want you to listen to Him, not just rely on their voice. In fact, they teach (and trust themselves) God's freedom and ability to lead His own people. That is the default (not tight, fear-based management). 3. They Treat Women as Co-Heirs and Co-Laborers They welcome women to speak, lead, teach, pray, and prophesy. Not just in "women’s ministry" (nor requiring men sitting in to "oversee" women's ministry leadership meetings!🚩), but in Kingdom ministry . You’ll see it in how (or whether) they listen to, learn from, and support women. They create space for their full spiritual giftings to bless the church. Here's what I've learned: Whatever the views on women's roles taught as "Biblically correct" from the pulpit, the women will come to know the true position experientially. Especially if your word comes up in contrast with a man's or in marital struggles. If the resulting response does not match up with the words and life of Jesus, it's off. 4. They Don’t Equate Control with Holiness Perfection is not their brand. Instead of focusing on hierarchy, authority, and rules—they focus on love, grace and freedom in Christ (the things that actually change hearts). Leadership walks in humility, not control. Look around: Who makes up the church? Are the messy, broken, and misfits among you? Or is everyone near perfectly "put together" according to internal expectations? What are the "qualifications" to participate in offering your giftings- who is "in" and who is "out"? Are they open to change or growth, or is "this just the way we do things" (end of discussion)? Is authority and obedience in marriage, family and the church held in a white-knuckle grip? This is not to say there is no order and there are no standards whatsoever. But behavioral compliance and made up expectations shouldn't be the goal or the focus of a truly gospel-centered church. 5. They Are Transparent and Accountable Healthy churches don’t hide behind authority structures or spiritual jargon. They also don't avoid hard conversations with the actual people involved, or try to cover up wrongs. They create systems of shared leadership, financial transparency, and external accountability. You’ll know the difference because it will feel safe enough to ask questions. Are you, sister, allowed to question a pastor, and how do they respond? Have you brought a concern, only to be the one wrong/apologizing at the end? Also consider, if someone names harm within or from the church, what is the response/how is it handled? If you’re wondering how to even begin trusting again, know this: healing isn’t a straight line. But every step matters. And it’s okay if this next step is small. How to Start Your Journey Toward Healing 1. Give Yourself Permission for Healing to be a Process For some, entering a church results in a physical trauma response, due to their past wounding. It is very real, and very devastating. You can start with therapy, journaling, or online support. God does not spiritually minimize your trauma. He is patient, kind, and present. 2. Process the Pain With People Who “Get It” You are not alone. Consider a support group or reading testimonies of others who’ve walked through spiritual abuse. There is something deeply healing about being believed and receiving empathy... especially when your wounding involves the opposite. 3. Research Churches That Reflect These Values Look online. Read belief statements. Watch messages. Check for leadership transparency and doctrinal balance. Ask hard questions. Churches that are truly healthy will welcome them. 4. Visit Slowly—and Let the Holy Spirit Lead You don’t have to jump in headfirst. Attend quietly. Listen. Watch. Pay attention to the tone, the power dynamics, and whether people seem free and alive—or burdened and controlled. God does not use loyalties and shame to bring people into a local body, or to pressure them to stay. 5. Don't Quit- Let God Surprise You With Redemption The same God who met you in the wilderness can meet you in community. The very place that wounded you -the Church in general- may also become the place where He brings your greatest healing. That's gospel redemption. Recovery and Redemption Are Real There was a powerful healing and reframing that happened in my heart and life when I found safety, support, and empowerment for women inside the body of Christ in a way I had never known before. God gently led me to a group of believers who weren’t perfect, but were safe. People who mourned my pain. Leaders who didn’t see my voice as a problem, or need to control me. A church that looked and felt like Jesus in some of the deepest ways. A church that valued me and my broken family, and believed we had something to offer right where we were. It changed everything. You’re not crazy for wanting that. You’re not wrong for needing time. And you’re not alone in the process. There is a place for you in the Body of Christ. Not just to attend—but to be known, healed, and strengthened in your walk with Christ. Yes, safe and healing churches DO exist. They are worth finding. And yes, you are a needed part. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

"A Woman Should Be Silent..." I remember trying very carefully to be “measured” whenever mentioning anything that had happened to me (if I mentioned it at all). After all, others knew them, too. I was supposed to speak "honorably"... even of what violated my safety. I tried to be careful. Calm. Restrained. I wanted nothing to come out in anger—even though I was wounded, devastated, and spiritually disoriented. I wanted people to know I was credible. Trustworthy. Why? Because I had already been accused of being the opposite, even as I navigated addiction, betrayal and abuse from others. I had been told my emotions were "too extreme," my motives were repeatedly assumed to be wrong, and my character was questioned by these men in leadership to others in the church. Worse, I had been told to submit, that my boundaries were "sin"... and I felt completely trapped and hopeless. Yet even after the worst of the worst happened, and I found myself a suicide widow, I still had deeply internalized the idea that the “right” way to respond to being mistreated—especially as a Christian woman—was quietly and without disruption. So instead of truth, repentance and safety (things that should characterize the church), I didn't expose the depths of what was happening to anyone, but suffered in silence. Meanwhile, there were meetings and talk where they defended themselves- and discredited me. Even years after, as I began to speak honestly and publicly, I was told it was "gossip," "divisive," and "ungracious." The lies of how to handle what happened to me "rightly" as a Christian woman stole my voice (and part of my healing) for years. And if you’ve been wounded, minimized, or manipulated—especially in a spiritual context—I want to tell you this: There is nothing holy about silence in the face of abuse. There is nothing righteous about pretending it didn’t happen. This message isn’t easy to write (believe me, there have been repercussions). But it is wrong, and it is common, that women are often left carrying this burden and pressure. I know how many have experienced deep harm—and then were expected to handle it in a way that protects the abuser’s reputation, keeps the system intact, and doesn’t rock the boat. But silencing survivors is not seeking unity. Truth shares experience honestly, and seeks true change . And, it's hard to heal what you're not allowed to name. It's More Predictable Than You Think As I've connected with growing numbers of women who have experienced abuse (in various forms) in faith spaces, I've found many commonalities and themes: You’ve been conditioned to believe you are/your reaction is the problem—not the original abuse/violation itself You second-guess your own experience, and you ignore your own intuition You have little to no confidence in the Spirit of God to speak to and lead you clearly: in having boundaries, or saying "No" as a woman... especially if your male authorities are saying something different Your desire is to honor God... and that desire is hijacked to keep you in a place God never called you to be, and enduring what He never called you to endure You go quiet; you try to “respond well” You try to forgive before you’ve even named honestly what happened to you What happened is hidden rather than confessed openly. You feel pressure to protect the image of the church, the leader, the mission— while no one has/is protecting you They may have meetings "for the sake of unity" / their own relationships, where they become the wounded one and the victim has the problems (DARVO acronym) There is rarely public investigation or communication to the whole church, and the victim does not has a voice in these spaces, either As a victim begins to speak out (commonly years after the abuse occurred) she finds increasing judgment, indifference and even contempt I hear the question, "How could this happen?" when major wrongs in the Church have been publicly revealed. Let’s be brutally honest about the answer: In these systems, the abuser/violator is often surrounded by people with more power, more influence, and more loyalty than the victim. They may be well-known (by those who have intimately known them a long time) and are well-loved. The fact that many will refuse to believe this person would do such a thing keeps them from being open to hearing the truth about the things that happened . And many are reluctant to press in, seek answers, or take a stand for anything. They just carry on in the community. This is how it happens, and continues to happen. The emotional toll is devastating. But worse, it’s often done in the name of God. In spiritual abuse systems, as a woman, this is especially intense—because faith communities often confuse their silence with "spiritual maturity." I will say it again: That is not the heart of God. That is spiritual abuse. And it has to stop. Sister, You Were Made to Be Bold- Not Voiceless Here’s what you need to know today, if you’ve been abused, minimized, or gaslit: God is not asking you to quietly carry the burden of abuse. He’s calling you into light, truth, and healing. You are made in the image of God. That means you carry His strength, His dignity, and His voice. You are not the one responsible for protecting the reputation of the people who abused you, were complicit in abuse, or violated your trust. God is your defender—and He is not silent about injustice. Spiritual abuse, manipulation and silencing are sins. Talking about it isn't . If you’ve felt confused about what’s happening to you or how you’re “supposed” to respond, this is your permission to stop trying to do it the “right” way- when defined as being abused or manipulated in silence. The right way is truth. The right way is light. The right way is naming the harm so it doesn’t continue for others. And if the people around you can’t or won’t see that? That’s not your fault. Nor is it your burden. Please note: I have still not named churches or names. I am not attacking; I do not have hate or unforgiveness. That is not what I am advocating for. But, sister, God fights for you and supports the end of abuse and manipulation! Don't Confuse the Position of God May we not forget: Jesus confronted corrupt religious leaders. He exposed the injustice that harmed people in God’s name. He defended the dignity of women. He valued the truth-tellers, not the title-holders. He did not stay silent in the name of "peace." He made holy disruption. And He does not ask you to stay in darkness just to maintain someone else’s comfort. So if you’re wondering, “What do I do with all of this?”—here’s where you start. Your Next 4 Steps Toward Healing and Empowerment 1. Identify What’s Actually Happening If you're unsure if what you’ve experienced is abuse, this may help: If someone repeatedly manipulates / uses Scripture to control you, denies your reality, dismisses your pain, invades your physical or emotional boundaries, or uses their role/power to intimidate you—that is abuse. Spiritual abuse uses God or Scripture to control, harm and shame Emotional abuse includes manipulation, gaslighting, silent treatment, or constant criticism Verbal abuse includes yelling, name-calling, or threats Physical abuse includes any physical harm or intimidation Psychological abuse leaves you unsure of what’s real or afraid to speak God does not call you to live in that. Anything that tries to convince you otherwise is not from Him—it’s a lie of the enemy. 2. Speak UP You are not being “unbiblical” by telling the truth. God gives you your voice. He invites you to speak. The Holy Spirit dwells in you; You are empowered. You are called to be an ambassador—not an appeaser. Here's something crucial I've learned, the more stories I hear: Speaking up isn’t just about you. It’s about exposing darkness and protecting others. You do not have to remain silent to be faithful or biblically feminine. [Interested in more on this? Read my other blogs related to spiritual abuse and the role of women in the church.] 3. Find Support + A Way Out Is there anyone in your life who feels safe? Someone who listens, believes you, and doesn't try to dismiss or downplay what happened? Safe people don't pull away, they protect you. They don’t try to control the narrative (especially when they don't know it). They don’t label you "unforgiving," "ungracious," or refuse to talk with you. They listen with compassion and love—and help you find a way out. If you don’t have that person yet, don’t give up. Keep reaching. You were never meant to do this alone. And if no one around you is safe—I will say this boldly: Get out anyway . You can. There is hope on the other side. Safe, amazing churches DO exist, and they are so redemptive and healing! 4. Know God’s Heart for You as a Woman This is the most powerful, and most empowering, thing of all. God’s heart for you is not submission to abuse. God’s heart for you is not silence, shame, or fear. His heart is safety. Truth. Empowerment. Healing. Restoration. You can hear Him as clearly as men can. You are not “too emotional.” You are not wrong for wanting to be free. The truth sets you free. He goes before you in battle and stands behind you in strength. You don’t have to be afraid anymore. This is true because God loves and protects you as His daughter. Can you imagine the violation happening to your daughter? Can you connect with that heart? That is the heart of your Father, for YOU. Freedom I remember the shift—the day I just told more of the truth. It was scary. There were people who didn’t want to hear it. People who pulled away. But there were also those who leaned in. Those who believed me . There were all the women who had been carrying their own untold stories, who finally felt seen. It made me realize: When you break your silence, you’re not just healing yourself. You’re lighting the way for others. And isn’t that what Jesus did? With you, Rachel ❤️‍🩹 If this post spoke to your heart and you're looking for more hope and healing, reach out to me for a Coaching consult, or to get on the waitlist for our upcoming Hope Stronghold Membership Community! You don't have to do this alone. Connect@hopespeaker.com 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Salt In A Wound: Hurtful Words After Loss I remember the words of a friend on my doorstep, mere days after my husband died by suicide. “You need to be strong, Rachel," she said with a firm nod. I stood there in silence, shocked, and quickly felt the sting; she could not grasp what I was going through. It was meant as encouragement, but it felt like pressure—like I was expected to carry my grief without breaking—and I was already shattered in a million pieces as I stood there. In my years of being a Christian suicide widow, and in connecting with hundreds of other grievers who have had salty words spoken into their bleeding hearts, I know these comments come in many forms: "YOU SHOULD..." [do this/that, stop this/that or feeling xyz] "AT LEAST..." [you're young, he's in a better place/not suffering, etc.] "I KNOW..." [how you feel, or inserts how their pain compares/is worse] Or numerous other commentary, like: "Are you still so sad? You need joy, today." "Everything happens for a reason." "God is in control." Each phrase hits differently, but all of them can leave us feeling unseen, misunderstood, alone, or even guilty for the way we're grieving. If you’ve ever felt the sting of hurtful words after loss, walked away from a conversation with a lump in your throat, replayed the words over and over, wondered how someone could be so dismissive —you’re not alone. But what if I told you that their words have nothing to do with you, or the situation they are speaking into? Not that they don't still hurt, but they can hurt less , and you can guard your peace. This is not going to be your typical grievers blog to plant a flag on the mound of "Can you believe the dumb comments, they suck, no one gets it." Let's heal these wounds, prepare to be unoffendable, and be transformed. The Real Problem: Absorbing Their Statements What if, instead of taking their words personally, we saw them for what they really are: ➡️A reflection of their worldview, not a judgment of us/ours (even if they intend judgement).⬅️ Before you roll your eyes and click away, hear me out : I am not invalidating your pain or the impact words can have. But as a Life Coach, the work I do is empowerment based in love and belief... In this example, to grieve and heal in a way that you aren't tossed about by the commentary of other people. You have decision-making (control) over the impact you let their words have, how painful it is, whether you stew in it... or whether you are at peace. Unoffendable. Do you know that is possible? That is a position of healing, of peace, and of power (yes, you have a grounded voice there). This is the transformative work. When you recognize that their words are about them —their struggles, their fears, their avoidance, their attempt to make themselves feel more comfortable in grief—you can detach. You don’t have to carry the weight of their words. Instead, we recognize their response as a mirror of their own struggles, not a judgment of your healing. Some people rush to fix your grief because they feel helpless and uncomfortable with deep sorrow. Others offer clichés because they haven’t processed their own losses and don’t know what real support looks like. Some downplay pain because they fear what it would mean to truly sit with it—in you or most accurately, in themselves. Some want you to be happy again, and don't know how to help other than trying to push you in that direction. Most people (even those of us who have been through tragedy ourselves) don't have the perfect words or perfect timing (and let's face it, the needs of someone in loss may depend on that day's grief!) Changing our beliefs gives us a perspective of grace and compassion for them  (yes, the salt in the wound people!). That place of love, healing, and wisdom is the only place safe from the pain of offense. We are free from absorbing the offense- we don't have to take it on because we don't believe it means anything about us or our loss. How do we do this, practically speaking? Let That 💩 Go: Beliefs, Boundaries & How to Respond to Hurtful Comments Are you ready for Step 1 in how to handle the insensitive, dumb, and hurtful comments people say to those grieving loss? You already know it, now: 1) Change your beliefs- decide that their words are about them , not you Because it's true. Because it sets you free from pain and bitterness and resentment. Because you have the power to see the way people bump into your pain from a higher perspective. Allow me to repeat what I said above, and let is soak deep: When you recognize that their words are about them—their struggles, their fears, their avoidance, their attempt to make themselves feel more comfortable in grief—you can detach. You don’t have to carry the weight of their words. Instead, we recognize their response as a mirror of their own struggles, not a judgment of your healing. It's not about you, friend, so don't take it on. Let that 💩 go. 2) Boundaries are a gift (not a punishment) Boundaries are essential in grief—not as walls to keep people out, but as safeguards to protect our peace. A boundary is not about controlling others; it’s about deciding where we are going to live, and what we allow into our space. It's keeping ourselves in a place where we can honor God. Boundaries start with acknowledging your feelings internally. By being honest about the sting you feel, being misunderstood or the minimization of your painful experience, you have the awareness you need to make a change- a boundary for yourself and your healing. In this way, you can shape your healing journey rather than being controlled by the responses of other people. In grief, boundaries related to people's commentary may look like: Not sharing the deeper parts of grief with those who bring more pain by their responses Choosing a few empathetic companions who help you heal and grow Lessening contact with those who intentionally bring you harm Limiting negative, judgmental, and shaming feedback you receive about your grief journey Lastly, 3) Responding to hurtful or insensitive comments When you receive one, start with a deep breath and remember # 1 above. ☝️ Ask God for discernment and guidance. Now you're ready. 😅 Here are some simple but firm responses: “I know you mean well, but that actually makes this harder for me.” "Sometimes positivity is actually hurtful. Connecting with my pain is much more helpful." "I feel how I feel. This is grief." "I get to decide that." (When it comes to your own feelings, grieving, and decisions) Educate when appropriate/desired- "Grief doesn’t have a timeline," "Healing doesn't mean forgetting, " "In the suicide community we prefer 'died by suicide' instead of 'committed suicide' or 'killed himself' " No reply at all- if they aren't open to receiving or changing, it might not be worth your effort and it's definitely not worth losing your peace. Healing with Boundaries and Grace Ultimately, your grief journey belongs to you and God—not to the expectations of others. The next time someone makes an insensitive or hurtful comment about your grief, remember: It’s not a reflection of your healing—it’s a reflection of their understanding of loss, and/or their limitations. It's not about you; only your response is. By choosing grace over offense, setting healthy boundaries, and using the power of your own voice, you reclaim your peace, healing, and hope. With you, Rachel P.S. Are you ready to get unstuck from your pain and grief, with individualized 1:1 support? If you are interested in doing the deeper work of healing your heart, and being empowered to confidently rebuild a life you love, reach out to me for a Coaching consult. ❤️ Connect@hopespeaker.com 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

The Weight of Grief and the Silence of God I remember pulling my car over on an empty road during a solo drive, gripping the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles were white. My young husband had died by suicide just weeks before, and I could no longer see the road through the torrential tears that were pouring. The world around me was blurred, distant—like I was moving through a life that no longer felt like mine. Somehow, woven into my shock and numbness were waves of excruciating pain. My prayers at that moment were primal screams... which felt like they hit the ceiling and came back down, unanswered. "God, where were you?! Where are you?! How could you let him die?! How am I supposed to keep living?!" Maybe you’ve asked similar questions in your own grief and loss. Maybe you’ve screamed them into the void, hoping for something—anything—that would bring a sense of comfort. But you felt that all that came was silence. Losing someone you love shakes the very foundation of your world. It can cause us to view life differently and ask deeper questions. It can also plunge us into darkness. How do you hold on to faith and hope when the One you trusted feels absent? When Hope Feels Distant and Trust Feels Unsafe In grief, you lose more than just your person. Amongst many other losses that follow that first domino, a felt connection to God can be something that also falls down... and away. You might find yourself wondering: Why did God allow this suffering? If He loves me/my person, why didn’t He stop it? Can I trust Him again when He let me experience this much pain? Faith, once so sure, now feels fragile—too tender to touch. Hope seems like something meant for other people, but no longer for you. And if you’ve lost your person to suicide, the questions only multiply. The pain can feel unbearable, and the "whys" and "what ifs," unrelenting. Maybe you've been told to "just trust God," but faith after loss has nothing to do with pat answers or pretending to be okay. It's about finding a deeper connection to God and a foundation of hope.... right under you in the middle of your devastation. That is something entirely new- which you may find now in a way you never could while the structure of your life was still standing. Holding On to the Love That Doesn’t Disappear in Grief Although loneliness is so strong, God is not absent in your grief. But pain has a way of making Him feel incredibly distant. Throughout scripture, we see people wrestling with this same ache: David cried out, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?" -Psalm 13:1 Job, in his suffering, asked, "Why do you hide your face and consider me your enemy?" -Job 13:24 Jesus, taking on the sin of the world in His final moments, cried, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" -Matthew 27:46 As much as we avoid the subject, lament (a passionate expression of grief, sorrow and confusion), is all over the Bible. Honest lament can open us to true connection with our Heavenly Father. It can lead back to trust, and be the first step in daring to hope again. Repeatedly, God's response to lament is validation, compassion, comfort and reassurance. Faith after loss doesn’t mean "being ok" or having all (or really, any of) the answers. It means trusting that love—God’s love—hasn’t disappeared, even in your deepest pain. It means allowing yourself to grieve with a God who grieves with you . Taking the First Steps Toward Hope If you're struggling to believe, if hope feels impossible, know this: faith is expressed in our willingness to turn to God, again, in our brokenness. That's it. Just turn your tear-stained face His way. There's nothing you need to be and nothing you need to bring. Here are a few practical steps as you start rebuilding on a foundation of hope: 1. Acknowledge Your Raw Feelings to God You don’t have to filter your emotions before bringing them to Him. Tell Him exactly where you are. The anger, the doubt, the exhaustion—He can handle it. In fact, He is the only One who can take all of it. Pray raw, unfiltered prayers. Write them in a journal. Cry them out in a space that feels comfortable. There aren't any "bad" or "wrong" feelings, thoughts, or words when you are bringing them to the safest place- the presence of the God of grace . He knows it all, anyway. When we come to Him with all our hurt, anger, and pain, we find God is near, even in the moments you feel furthest from Him. 2. Know the State of Your Brain Affects Your Experience Here is some helpful science- the absence of feeling or hearing anything from God in your pain is not evidence of His silence or abandonment. It can actually be that your brain is in a state that is closed off to receiving any input. Dr. Karl Lehman coined specific brain circuits "Relational Circuits (RCs), which serve our longing and need for relationship. When these circuits are "on," we are able to experience the presence and relational connection of God and other people. When they are "off," we are often unable to relate and connect. "The activation of trauma-based feelings of being alone and in pain can turn off our RCs. The sudden blackout explains why we are sometimes unable to perceive Immanuel [God with us]." (Wilder, Kang, et al. (2020). Joyful Journey. p. 28.) PS -I also highly recommend this book in learning interactive gratitude and "thought rhyming" to turn RCs back on! 3. Look for Hope- Every Way You Can Hope doesn’t always come in grand revelations—it often comes in the small things and quiet moments: A song that reminds you that you’re not alone. The "faithful few" who can empathetically be with you in your grief. A verse or promise given to you that you can hold tight to. A memory of your loved one that brings warmth instead of just pain. I remember that for many months following my husband's death, my trips to the local Sam's Club wholesale store were an embodiment of this principle. I entered feeling like the walking dead (truly; I struggled intensely with suicidal thoughts myself). The first thing I would do is plod into the aisle with all of the large, high-definition televisions. Then, I would stand there. For at least 10-15 minutes, or more (most of my time there, in fact), I would stand and look at the natural wonders of this planet, displayed in bright colors. It was one small thing that stirred any feeling in my grief-stricken body and my numb soul. It gave the tiniest spark that there was still beauty here. It gave me a bit of hope. And I made it a point to do it every time, because I knew I desperately needed it. Small moments and tokens are reminders: God is still present. You are still loved. Hope is still solid under your shaky feet. Today's reality isn't your forever reality. A Final Word: The Faithfulness of God The first (and pretty much only) words to me from a trusted, wise person after my husband died, when we came face to face at the back of a church sanctuary were this: "Rachel, you are going to know the faithfulness of God." I am grateful to say that through it all... this has been so true that it has become the theme that I share of the worst 6 years of my life. Through it all, He has been so faithful. If your faith feels shaky, if God feels distant, if you’re not sure how to trust Him again—you’re not alone. Faith isn’t the absence of the bloody struggles. It’s choosing to turn back toward Him to receive what we need (goodness knows, in our pain, we will be turning to something!). God hasn’t abandoned you. He’s holding you fast, even in this. And step by step, through grief and suffering, a deeper hope can be found- the foundation underneath the "rock bottom" where we may find ourselves at this time. You are going to know the faithfulness of God. Keep turning to Him, my friend. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

"Wait, my daughter, and see what happens..." -Ruth 3:18 The verse had been beautifully burned onto a piece of wood (at my request) as a reminder, and I had put it up in my bedroom, so that every night when I climbed into bed, I would be looking straight at it. This night, however, I glared in its direction with disbelief and in anger, sitting alone in what felt like unbearable pain. It had been somewhere short of 1,000 days since my life started its downward spiral. Hundreds and hundreds of days and nights, suffering. My incredible husband becoming addicted, angry, abusive, and dying by suicide The loss of trust in my church that told me to "submit" to it, then questioned nearly everything about my character and motives in the aftermath Feeling personal and outside guilt for my husband's death The loss of our financial stability Navigating COVID as a new widow with 4 children Losing relationships Being taken advantage of in a variety of ways Living every day carrying an impossible load Saying it was all "too much" is an understatement. The intense pain and struggle would continue for years to come... and in addition to struggling intensely with suicide, I would actually end up attempting myself, twice. Hopelessness kills people. Everyday. So what do we do when the suffering truly seems endless? When we feel we are way past our capacity and limits, with no end to the pain in sight? We must come to some, very real hope , if we are going to make it through the dark night of the soul alive (physically, as well as staying present to our lives). The Reality of Suffering Research in neuroscience, general and mental health, relationships, family structures, socioeconomics and beyond show that there are massive (and long-term) implications of ongoing pain. This is true for pain of all kinds- physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. We are well past the time of hiding behind ignorance and downplaying suffering. Our refusal to deal with our own wounds (and those of others) has predictable, tangible, and destructive implications. And yet, we also know that it is through the experiences of suffering that some of the most resilient and transformative changes can come. "Post traumatic growth" has been used to describe “positive psychological changes experienced as a result of the struggle with trauma or highly challenging situations." However, it is so important that this narrative not be laid over every person's suffering, with the expectation to find the silver lining in loss... which often leads those suffering into greater distress. How can we look honestly at suffering, and still find real hope to hold on to? Why Our Pain Problem is the Foundation to HOPE Humans have a capacity problem. The fact is, we are very limited. Our nervous systems have a "window of tolerance" (heck, even our tempers do). We are restricted in our physical health, constrained by financial and tangible resources, and have (truly) little control over pretty much all of the external factors in our lives. Although our attempts to create and build purposeful contributions in our lives and world are good, we all experience pain. Eventually, most of us face significant losses and must come to terms with the fact that many of them may be people and things we will never again have in this lifetime. Where is hope when our loved one has died, and will never be coming back? How do we find enjoyment in a life where we may have permanent losses to our body and health? These paths of suffering are excruciating, because we cannot change them. And it is often the feeling and belief of being trapped or stuck in the pain that causes people to lose hope, check out on their life, and perhaps even end it. I am going to share something with you I have been transformed by in my own journey of post traumatic growth. I share this from a posture that does NOT take your suffering lightly. I ask that you do not take mine lightly, either, but rather hear me out: It is in coming to the end of putting our hopes in what we can lose that we find where its true and lasting source lies. What if all the circumstances of your life are only a small fraction of what it actually turns out to be? The vast majority of your life, and you who are, is decided by what you will choose to do with that small fraction of events. And the even better news is that it doesn't entirely depend on us! We are not the answer in and of ourselves. While we can choose much of who we are to become, we are very limited, remember? Our true HOPE comes from partnering with the One who has no limits, and can bring us a beautiful and resilient life through , in and after our greatest losses, suffering and pain. Two Truths- The Good News We Need To Endure 1) The Pain Will End When we are going through the worst pain we have ever experienced, and it isn't stopping, we need to know that it will end. The belief that "life will always be this way" can lead us to hopelessness and despair. Let me encourage you that things will NOT always be the way they are now. This is not a platitude, it is a guaranteed reality in two ways: External Circumstances Most of the struggles we face in life are ever-changing. Although they weigh us down, they can, and do, change! Our financial situations, relationships, families, life opportunities, and many of the losses we face are things that can be renewed and rebuilt. You are not locked into this situation being your forever reality; it's an impossibility for it to always be this way. So hold on to the hope that this is going to look different for you in the next season. It may not be all at once, but you are NOT trapped here and it will NOT always be the way it is now. Internal States Where you are at in your physical and mental health, as well as your beliefs/frame of mind are also not static. Again, it is a physiological impossibility for you to remain in a state where you always feel this way, or think this way. Your body (brain neurotransmitters, hormones, etc.) are always changing and trying to move toward homeostasis (balance). This is critical, because although you may feel so strongly that it is hopeless, you will not always feel this way and see it as such; and you do not want to make a decision (such as ending your life) from a basis of what is false . While suicidal struggles can be ongoing, the suicidal crisis "stage," when people complete typically lasts only minutes to hours. We need to use that fact to get us through those minutes, hours... days and years. It will not always be this way! 2) His Faithfulness Will Carry You Until the Pain Ends What about the losses that are irreversible in our lives, such as the death of a loved one or a permanent disability or loss? Although it may not seem helpful right now, I pray this reality helps you hold on to hope: Even our entire lifetime here is temporary; it is still true that it will not always be this way. This truth, rightly held, actually keeps us from unaliving ourselves here to get there quicker. It strengthens us to fight the good fight, finish the race, and keep the faith (2 Tim 4:7) until the real end of the race (our lifetime). What keeps us from quitting when we truly experience the end of ourselves? When we are past capacity and at the end of our limits? It's that the Lord has none, and can strengthen and carry us, with unyielding faithfulness, through that which we could not endure very well. In Him, we can do it gloriously; the impossible is possible. At times, I have still had suicidal thoughts/struggles. When I hear the same old song/cry in my depths saying, "I can't do this anymore!" (keep living), I rebuke it. I remind myself that He never quits, and is holding me fast, in a grip that never lets go. I cannot cry out, "YOU can't do this anymore!" to God and believe it. I know He is capable, and that is where I go when I am at my end . In this way, I see that I can, and will, survive. Anything. In Him, you can, too. The paradox of HOPE In my own life with tragedy and trauma, I have come to find the most blessed of realities: "Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." -J.K. Rowling True HOPE and life, that cannot be taken from you or lost again, can be found nowhere else but in Him. And He is SO FAITHFUL to carry you through. May you know it, experientially. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!