Search Results

Have you ever been in a church where the Bible was taught "rightly," but the arrows of its distorted form continued to be sunk into your heart? Arrows that tell you: You are too messy, too broken, too extreme. You are a problem, and don't belong with us. You are disqualified and ineffective. You can't say "No" or have boundaries- you don't even know what they are. You are out of place as a woman, are unsubmissive, and are too loud. Despite having experiences receiving these messages ongoing, it took a long time to sink in that being accused, shamed, and made to be the one in the "wrong," in my attempts to understand or have a voice... wasn't something I could fix. I had loved my church—served in it, trusted leaders, gave my time, my money, and my heart. But somewhere along the way, the gospel I’d heard preached became unrecognizable in the way I was treated. Shame replaced grace. Silence was rewarded more than truth. And my voice? It became a liability. All under the banner of the Bible. So I left. I needed to . Maybe you did, too. Not because you gave up on God. But because the place that claimed to represent Him didn’t look anything like Him, and you weren't safe in its grip. But I want to gently challenge the belief that every church is the same. Because the truth is: Safe, healing churches DO exist, my friend. For me, leaving that church was led by the Spirit and confirmed with wise counsel. And He directed me in my search, through the desert of widowhood and the COVID pandemic, to a safer, healthier church. Your pain is real. But your pain is not the whole story. There is more for you. There is HOPE for you. And there are churches where healing is not only possible—it’s actively pursued. The Cost When the Church Doesn’t Look Like Christ Spiritual abuse and manipulation leave deep wounds... lies about who you are, fundamentally, as God's child and the nature of your relationship with Him. It is a deep betrayal, where the very character of God is distorted through the people that are meant to reflect Him. Maybe you were silenced, gaslit, or shamed for asking questions or following your convictions. Perhaps you were seen as rebellious when you set boundaries, or labeled "difficult" for noticing and naming spiritual manipulation or gender-based oppression. When those who hold power in the church misuse it, the fallout is devastating. Especially when it’s swept under the rug, spiritualized with half-truths, or when your character is called into question to protect theirs. And here’s the thing: It’s not just you. This kind of harm happens far too often. And when leaders fail to acknowledge it, the Body of Christ suffers, and God grieves. The gospel is not displayed- inside the Church, or to the world. The longing for a place of real safety and actual freedom in Christ is not rebellion, it’s discernment. And while it's a normal survival instinct to pull away from deep pain (and stepping away may be necessary for healing), staying in isolation need not be the end of your story. There are churches that are safe and reflect the heart of Jesus. Let’s talk about what they look like—and how to begin healing. What Safe, Healthy Churches Look Like You don’t need a perfect church. (Spoiler: there are none.) But you do need a healthy one. Here’s a few characteristics of them: 1. They Are Honest and Repentant They don’t excuse spiritual abuse, manipulation or mistreatment—from anyone . They name failures, repent on behalf of them, and mourn harm done. Safe churches don’t protect systems, roles or authority—they protect God's people. Especially the most vulnerable. 2. They Empower All Believers to Hear God for Themselves These churches honor the power of the Holy Spirit in every child of God. They believe He speaks, convicts, comforts, and leads—not just pastors, but all people equally. They want you to listen to Him, not just rely on their voice. In fact, they teach (and trust themselves) God's freedom and ability to lead His own people. That is the default (not tight, fear-based management). 3. They Treat Women as Co-Heirs and Co-Laborers They welcome women to speak, lead, teach, pray, and prophesy. Not just in "women’s ministry" (nor requiring men sitting in to "oversee" women's ministry leadership meetings!🚩), but in Kingdom ministry . You’ll see it in how (or whether) they listen to, learn from, and support women. They create space for their full spiritual giftings to bless the church. Here's what I've learned: Whatever the views on women's roles taught as "Biblically correct" from the pulpit, the women will come to know the true position experientially. Especially if your word comes up in contrast with a man's or in marital struggles. If the resulting response does not match up with the words and life of Jesus, it's off. 4. They Don’t Equate Control with Holiness Perfection is not their brand. Instead of focusing on hierarchy, authority, and rules—they focus on love, grace and freedom in Christ (the things that actually change hearts). Leadership walks in humility, not control. Look around: Who makes up the church? Are the messy, broken, and misfits among you? Or is everyone near perfectly "put together" according to internal expectations? What are the "qualifications" to participate in offering your giftings- who is "in" and who is "out"? Are they open to change or growth, or is "this just the way we do things" (end of discussion)? Is authority and obedience in marriage, family and the church held in a white-knuckle grip? This is not to say there is no order and there are no standards whatsoever. But behavioral compliance and made up expectations shouldn't be the goal or the focus of a truly gospel-centered church. 5. They Are Transparent and Accountable Healthy churches don’t hide behind authority structures or spiritual jargon. They also don't avoid hard conversations with the actual people involved, or try to cover up wrongs. They create systems of shared leadership, financial transparency, and external accountability. You’ll know the difference because it will feel safe enough to ask questions. Are you, sister, allowed to question a pastor, and how do they respond? Have you brought a concern, only to be the one wrong/apologizing at the end? Also consider, if someone names harm within or from the church, what is the response/how is it handled? If you’re wondering how to even begin trusting again, know this: healing isn’t a straight line. But every step matters. And it’s okay if this next step is small. How to Start Your Journey Toward Healing 1. Give Yourself Permission for Healing to be a Process For some, entering a church results in a physical trauma response, due to their past wounding. It is very real, and very devastating. You can start with therapy, journaling, or online support. God does not spiritually minimize your trauma. He is patient, kind, and present. 2. Process the Pain With People Who “Get It” You are not alone. Consider a support group or reading testimonies of others who’ve walked through spiritual abuse. There is something deeply healing about being believed and receiving empathy... especially when your wounding involves the opposite. 3. Research Churches That Reflect These Values Look online. Read belief statements. Watch messages. Check for leadership transparency and doctrinal balance. Ask hard questions. Churches that are truly healthy will welcome them. 4. Visit Slowly—and Let the Holy Spirit Lead You don’t have to jump in headfirst. Attend quietly. Listen. Watch. Pay attention to the tone, the power dynamics, and whether people seem free and alive—or burdened and controlled. God does not use loyalties and shame to bring people into a local body, or to pressure them to stay. 5. Don't Quit- Let God Surprise You With Redemption The same God who met you in the wilderness can meet you in community. The very place that wounded you -the Church in general- may also become the place where He brings your greatest healing. That's gospel redemption. Recovery and Redemption Are Real There was a powerful healing and reframing that happened in my heart and life when I found safety, support, and empowerment for women inside the body of Christ in a way I had never known before. God gently led me to a group of believers who weren’t perfect, but were safe. People who mourned my pain. Leaders who didn’t see my voice as a problem, or need to control me. A church that looked and felt like Jesus in some of the deepest ways. A church that valued me and my broken family, and believed we had something to offer right where we were. It changed everything. You’re not crazy for wanting that. You’re not wrong for needing time. And you’re not alone in the process. There is a place for you in the Body of Christ. Not just to attend—but to be known, healed, and strengthened in your walk with Christ. Yes, safe and healing churches DO exist. They are worth finding. And yes, you are a needed part. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

"A Woman Should Be Silent..." I remember trying very carefully to be “measured” whenever mentioning anything that had happened to me (if I mentioned it at all). After all, others knew them, too. I was supposed to speak "honorably"... even of what violated my safety. I tried to be careful. Calm. Restrained. I wanted nothing to come out in anger—even though I was wounded, devastated, and spiritually disoriented. I wanted people to know I was credible. Trustworthy. Why? Because I had already been accused of being the opposite, even as I navigated addiction, betrayal and abuse from others. I had been told my emotions were "too extreme," my motives were repeatedly assumed to be wrong, and my character was questioned by these men in leadership to others in the church. Worse, I had been told to submit, that my boundaries were "sin"... and I felt completely trapped and hopeless. Yet even after the worst of the worst happened, and I found myself a suicide widow, I still had deeply internalized the idea that the “right” way to respond to being mistreated—especially as a Christian woman—was quietly and without disruption. So instead of truth, repentance and safety (things that should characterize the church), I didn't expose the depths of what was happening to anyone, but suffered in silence. Meanwhile, there were meetings and talk where they defended themselves- and discredited me. Even years after, as I began to speak honestly and publicly, I was told it was "gossip," "divisive," and "ungracious." The lies of how to handle what happened to me "rightly" as a Christian woman stole my voice (and part of my healing) for years. And if you’ve been wounded, minimized, or manipulated—especially in a spiritual context—I want to tell you this: There is nothing holy about silence in the face of abuse. There is nothing righteous about pretending it didn’t happen. This message isn’t easy to write (believe me, there have been repercussions). But it is wrong, and it is common, that women are often left carrying this burden and pressure. I know how many have experienced deep harm—and then were expected to handle it in a way that protects the abuser’s reputation, keeps the system intact, and doesn’t rock the boat. But silencing survivors is not seeking unity. Truth shares experience honestly, and seeks true change . And, it's hard to heal what you're not allowed to name. It's More Predictable Than You Think As I've connected with growing numbers of women who have experienced abuse (in various forms) in faith spaces, I've found many commonalities and themes: You’ve been conditioned to believe you are/your reaction is the problem—not the original abuse/violation itself You second-guess your own experience, and you ignore your own intuition You have little to no confidence in the Spirit of God to speak to and lead you clearly: in having boundaries, or saying "No" as a woman... especially if your male authorities are saying something different Your desire is to honor God... and that desire is hijacked to keep you in a place God never called you to be, and enduring what He never called you to endure You go quiet; you try to “respond well” You try to forgive before you’ve even named honestly what happened to you What happened is hidden rather than confessed openly. You feel pressure to protect the image of the church, the leader, the mission— while no one has/is protecting you They may have meetings "for the sake of unity" / their own relationships, where they become the wounded one and the victim has the problems (DARVO acronym) There is rarely public investigation or communication to the whole church, and the victim does not has a voice in these spaces, either As a victim begins to speak out (commonly years after the abuse occurred) she finds increasing judgment, indifference and even contempt I hear the question, "How could this happen?" when major wrongs in the Church have been publicly revealed. Let’s be brutally honest about the answer: In these systems, the abuser/violator is often surrounded by people with more power, more influence, and more loyalty than the victim. They may be well-known (by those who have intimately known them a long time) and are well-loved. The fact that many will refuse to believe this person would do such a thing keeps them from being open to hearing the truth about the things that happened . And many are reluctant to press in, seek answers, or take a stand for anything. They just carry on in the community. This is how it happens, and continues to happen. The emotional toll is devastating. But worse, it’s often done in the name of God. In spiritual abuse systems, as a woman, this is especially intense—because faith communities often confuse their silence with "spiritual maturity." I will say it again: That is not the heart of God. That is spiritual abuse. And it has to stop. Sister, You Were Made to Be Bold- Not Voiceless Here’s what you need to know today, if you’ve been abused, minimized, or gaslit: God is not asking you to quietly carry the burden of abuse. He’s calling you into light, truth, and healing. You are made in the image of God. That means you carry His strength, His dignity, and His voice. You are not the one responsible for protecting the reputation of the people who abused you, were complicit in abuse, or violated your trust. God is your defender—and He is not silent about injustice. Spiritual abuse, manipulation and silencing are sins. Talking about it isn't . If you’ve felt confused about what’s happening to you or how you’re “supposed” to respond, this is your permission to stop trying to do it the “right” way- when defined as being abused or manipulated in silence. The right way is truth. The right way is light. The right way is naming the harm so it doesn’t continue for others. And if the people around you can’t or won’t see that? That’s not your fault. Nor is it your burden. Please note: I have still not named churches or names. I am not attacking; I do not have hate or unforgiveness. That is not what I am advocating for. But, sister, God fights for you and supports the end of abuse and manipulation! Don't Confuse the Position of God May we not forget: Jesus confronted corrupt religious leaders. He exposed the injustice that harmed people in God’s name. He defended the dignity of women. He valued the truth-tellers, not the title-holders. He did not stay silent in the name of "peace." He made holy disruption. And He does not ask you to stay in darkness just to maintain someone else’s comfort. So if you’re wondering, “What do I do with all of this?”—here’s where you start. Your Next 4 Steps Toward Healing and Empowerment 1. Identify What’s Actually Happening If you're unsure if what you’ve experienced is abuse, this may help: If someone repeatedly manipulates / uses Scripture to control you, denies your reality, dismisses your pain, invades your physical or emotional boundaries, or uses their role/power to intimidate you—that is abuse. Spiritual abuse uses God or Scripture to control, harm and shame Emotional abuse includes manipulation, gaslighting, silent treatment, or constant criticism Verbal abuse includes yelling, name-calling, or threats Physical abuse includes any physical harm or intimidation Psychological abuse leaves you unsure of what’s real or afraid to speak God does not call you to live in that. Anything that tries to convince you otherwise is not from Him—it’s a lie of the enemy. 2. Speak UP You are not being “unbiblical” by telling the truth. God gives you your voice. He invites you to speak. The Holy Spirit dwells in you; You are empowered. You are called to be an ambassador—not an appeaser. Here's something crucial I've learned, the more stories I hear: Speaking up isn’t just about you. It’s about exposing darkness and protecting others. You do not have to remain silent to be faithful or biblically feminine. [Interested in more on this? Read my other blogs related to spiritual abuse and the role of women in the church.] 3. Find Support + A Way Out Is there anyone in your life who feels safe? Someone who listens, believes you, and doesn't try to dismiss or downplay what happened? Safe people don't pull away, they protect you. They don’t try to control the narrative (especially when they don't know it). They don’t label you "unforgiving," "ungracious," or refuse to talk with you. They listen with compassion and love—and help you find a way out. If you don’t have that person yet, don’t give up. Keep reaching. You were never meant to do this alone. And if no one around you is safe—I will say this boldly: Get out anyway . You can. There is hope on the other side. Safe, amazing churches DO exist, and they are so redemptive and healing! 4. Know God’s Heart for You as a Woman This is the most powerful, and most empowering, thing of all. God’s heart for you is not submission to abuse. God’s heart for you is not silence, shame, or fear. His heart is safety. Truth. Empowerment. Healing. Restoration. You can hear Him as clearly as men can. You are not “too emotional.” You are not wrong for wanting to be free. The truth sets you free. He goes before you in battle and stands behind you in strength. You don’t have to be afraid anymore. This is true because God loves and protects you as His daughter. Can you imagine the violation happening to your daughter? Can you connect with that heart? That is the heart of your Father, for YOU. Freedom I remember the shift—the day I just told more of the truth. It was scary. There were people who didn’t want to hear it. People who pulled away. But there were also those who leaned in. Those who believed me . There were all the women who had been carrying their own untold stories, who finally felt seen. It made me realize: When you break your silence, you’re not just healing yourself. You’re lighting the way for others. And isn’t that what Jesus did? With you, Rachel ❤️‍🩹 If this post spoke to your heart and you're looking for more hope and healing, reach out to me for a Coaching consult, or to get on the waitlist for our upcoming Hope Stronghold Membership Community! You don't have to do this alone. Connect@hopespeaker.com 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

Salt In A Wound: Hurtful Words After Loss I remember the words of a friend on my doorstep, mere days after my husband died by suicide. “You need to be strong, Rachel," she said with a firm nod. I stood there in silence, shocked, and quickly felt the sting; she could not grasp what I was going through. It was meant as encouragement, but it felt like pressure—like I was expected to carry my grief without breaking—and I was already shattered in a million pieces as I stood there. In my years of being a Christian suicide widow, and in connecting with hundreds of other grievers who have had salty words spoken into their bleeding hearts, I know these comments come in many forms: "YOU SHOULD..." [do this/that, stop this/that or feeling xyz] "AT LEAST..." [you're young, he's in a better place/not suffering, etc.] "I KNOW..." [how you feel, or inserts how their pain compares/is worse] Or numerous other commentary, like: "Are you still so sad? You need joy, today." "Everything happens for a reason." "God is in control." Each phrase hits differently, but all of them can leave us feeling unseen, misunderstood, alone, or even guilty for the way we're grieving. If you’ve ever felt the sting of hurtful words after loss, walked away from a conversation with a lump in your throat, replayed the words over and over, wondered how someone could be so dismissive —you’re not alone. But what if I told you that their words have nothing to do with you, or the situation they are speaking into? Not that they don't still hurt, but they can hurt less , and you can guard your peace. This is not going to be your typical grievers blog to plant a flag on the mound of "Can you believe the dumb comments, they suck, no one gets it." Let's heal these wounds, prepare to be unoffendable, and be transformed. The Real Problem: Absorbing Their Statements What if, instead of taking their words personally, we saw them for what they really are: ➡️A reflection of their worldview, not a judgment of us/ours (even if they intend judgement).⬅️ Before you roll your eyes and click away, hear me out : I am not invalidating your pain or the impact words can have. But as a Life Coach, the work I do is empowerment based in love and belief... In this example, to grieve and heal in a way that you aren't tossed about by the commentary of other people. You have decision-making (control) over the impact you let their words have, how painful it is, whether you stew in it... or whether you are at peace. Unoffendable. Do you know that is possible? That is a position of healing, of peace, and of power (yes, you have a grounded voice there). This is the transformative work. When you recognize that their words are about them —their struggles, their fears, their avoidance, their attempt to make themselves feel more comfortable in grief—you can detach. You don’t have to carry the weight of their words. Instead, we recognize their response as a mirror of their own struggles, not a judgment of your healing. Some people rush to fix your grief because they feel helpless and uncomfortable with deep sorrow. Others offer clichés because they haven’t processed their own losses and don’t know what real support looks like. Some downplay pain because they fear what it would mean to truly sit with it—in you or most accurately, in themselves. Some want you to be happy again, and don't know how to help other than trying to push you in that direction. Most people (even those of us who have been through tragedy ourselves) don't have the perfect words or perfect timing (and let's face it, the needs of someone in loss may depend on that day's grief!) Changing our beliefs gives us a perspective of grace and compassion for them  (yes, the salt in the wound people!). That place of love, healing, and wisdom is the only place safe from the pain of offense. We are free from absorbing the offense- we don't have to take it on because we don't believe it means anything about us or our loss. How do we do this, practically speaking? Let That 💩 Go: Beliefs, Boundaries & How to Respond to Hurtful Comments Are you ready for Step 1 in how to handle the insensitive, dumb, and hurtful comments people say to those grieving loss? You already know it, now: 1) Change your beliefs- decide that their words are about them , not you Because it's true. Because it sets you free from pain and bitterness and resentment. Because you have the power to see the way people bump into your pain from a higher perspective. Allow me to repeat what I said above, and let is soak deep: When you recognize that their words are about them—their struggles, their fears, their avoidance, their attempt to make themselves feel more comfortable in grief—you can detach. You don’t have to carry the weight of their words. Instead, we recognize their response as a mirror of their own struggles, not a judgment of your healing. It's not about you, friend, so don't take it on. Let that 💩 go. 2) Boundaries are a gift (not a punishment) Boundaries are essential in grief—not as walls to keep people out, but as safeguards to protect our peace. A boundary is not about controlling others; it’s about deciding where we are going to live, and what we allow into our space. It's keeping ourselves in a place where we can honor God. Boundaries start with acknowledging your feelings internally. By being honest about the sting you feel, being misunderstood or the minimization of your painful experience, you have the awareness you need to make a change- a boundary for yourself and your healing. In this way, you can shape your healing journey rather than being controlled by the responses of other people. In grief, boundaries related to people's commentary may look like: Not sharing the deeper parts of grief with those who bring more pain by their responses Choosing a few empathetic companions who help you heal and grow Lessening contact with those who intentionally bring you harm Limiting negative, judgmental, and shaming feedback you receive about your grief journey Lastly, 3) Responding to hurtful or insensitive comments When you receive one, start with a deep breath and remember # 1 above. ☝️ Ask God for discernment and guidance. Now you're ready. 😅 Here are some simple but firm responses: “I know you mean well, but that actually makes this harder for me.” "Sometimes positivity is actually hurtful. Connecting with my pain is much more helpful." "I feel how I feel. This is grief." "I get to decide that." (When it comes to your own feelings, grieving, and decisions) Educate when appropriate/desired- "Grief doesn’t have a timeline," "Healing doesn't mean forgetting, " "In the suicide community we prefer 'died by suicide' instead of 'committed suicide' or 'killed himself' " No reply at all- if they aren't open to receiving or changing, it might not be worth your effort and it's definitely not worth losing your peace. Healing with Boundaries and Grace Ultimately, your grief journey belongs to you and God—not to the expectations of others. The next time someone makes an insensitive or hurtful comment about your grief, remember: It’s not a reflection of your healing—it’s a reflection of their understanding of loss, and/or their limitations. It's not about you; only your response is. By choosing grace over offense, setting healthy boundaries, and using the power of your own voice, you reclaim your peace, healing, and hope. With you, Rachel P.S. Are you ready to get unstuck from your pain and grief, with individualized 1:1 support? If you are interested in doing the deeper work of healing your heart, and being empowered to confidently rebuild a life you love, reach out to me for a Coaching consult. ❤️ Connect@hopespeaker.com 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

The Weight of Grief and the Silence of God I remember pulling my car over on an empty road during a solo drive, gripping the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles were white. My young husband had died by suicide just weeks before, and I could no longer see the road through the torrential tears that were pouring. The world around me was blurred, distant—like I was moving through a life that no longer felt like mine. Somehow, woven into my shock and numbness were waves of excruciating pain. My prayers at that moment were primal screams... which felt like they hit the ceiling and came back down, unanswered. "God, where were you?! Where are you?! How could you let him die?! How am I supposed to keep living?!" Maybe you’ve asked similar questions in your own grief and loss. Maybe you’ve screamed them into the void, hoping for something—anything—that would bring a sense of comfort. But you felt that all that came was silence. Losing someone you love shakes the very foundation of your world. It can cause us to view life differently and ask deeper questions. It can also plunge us into darkness. How do you hold on to faith and hope when the One you trusted feels absent? When Hope Feels Distant and Trust Feels Unsafe In grief, you lose more than just your person. Amongst many other losses that follow that first domino, a felt connection to God can be something that also falls down... and away. You might find yourself wondering: Why did God allow this suffering? If He loves me/my person, why didn’t He stop it? Can I trust Him again when He let me experience this much pain? Faith, once so sure, now feels fragile—too tender to touch. Hope seems like something meant for other people, but no longer for you. And if you’ve lost your person to suicide, the questions only multiply. The pain can feel unbearable, and the "whys" and "what ifs," unrelenting. Maybe you've been told to "just trust God," but faith after loss has nothing to do with pat answers or pretending to be okay. It's about finding a deeper connection to God and a foundation of hope.... right under you in the middle of your devastation. That is something entirely new- which you may find now in a way you never could while the structure of your life was still standing. Holding On to the Love That Doesn’t Disappear in Grief Although loneliness is so strong, God is not absent in your grief. But pain has a way of making Him feel incredibly distant. Throughout scripture, we see people wrestling with this same ache: David cried out, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?" -Psalm 13:1 Job, in his suffering, asked, "Why do you hide your face and consider me your enemy?" -Job 13:24 Jesus, taking on the sin of the world in His final moments, cried, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" -Matthew 27:46 As much as we avoid the subject, lament (a passionate expression of grief, sorrow and confusion), is all over the Bible. Honest lament can open us to true connection with our Heavenly Father. It can lead back to trust, and be the first step in daring to hope again. Repeatedly, God's response to lament is validation, compassion, comfort and reassurance. Faith after loss doesn’t mean "being ok" or having all (or really, any of) the answers. It means trusting that love—God’s love—hasn’t disappeared, even in your deepest pain. It means allowing yourself to grieve with a God who grieves with you . Taking the First Steps Toward Hope If you're struggling to believe, if hope feels impossible, know this: faith is expressed in our willingness to turn to God, again, in our brokenness. That's it. Just turn your tear-stained face His way. There's nothing you need to be and nothing you need to bring. Here are a few practical steps as you start rebuilding on a foundation of hope: 1. Acknowledge Your Raw Feelings to God You don’t have to filter your emotions before bringing them to Him. Tell Him exactly where you are. The anger, the doubt, the exhaustion—He can handle it. In fact, He is the only One who can take all of it. Pray raw, unfiltered prayers. Write them in a journal. Cry them out in a space that feels comfortable. There aren't any "bad" or "wrong" feelings, thoughts, or words when you are bringing them to the safest place- the presence of the God of grace . He knows it all, anyway. When we come to Him with all our hurt, anger, and pain, we find God is near, even in the moments you feel furthest from Him. 2. Know the State of Your Brain Affects Your Experience Here is some helpful science- the absence of feeling or hearing anything from God in your pain is not evidence of His silence or abandonment. It can actually be that your brain is in a state that is closed off to receiving any input. Dr. Karl Lehman coined specific brain circuits "Relational Circuits (RCs), which serve our longing and need for relationship. When these circuits are "on," we are able to experience the presence and relational connection of God and other people. When they are "off," we are often unable to relate and connect. "The activation of trauma-based feelings of being alone and in pain can turn off our RCs. The sudden blackout explains why we are sometimes unable to perceive Immanuel [God with us]." (Wilder, Kang, et al. (2020). Joyful Journey. p. 28.) PS -I also highly recommend this book in learning interactive gratitude and "thought rhyming" to turn RCs back on! 3. Look for Hope- Every Way You Can Hope doesn’t always come in grand revelations—it often comes in the small things and quiet moments: A song that reminds you that you’re not alone. The "faithful few" who can empathetically be with you in your grief. A verse or promise given to you that you can hold tight to. A memory of your loved one that brings warmth instead of just pain. I remember that for many months following my husband's death, my trips to the local Sam's Club wholesale store were an embodiment of this principle. I entered feeling like the walking dead (truly; I struggled intensely with suicidal thoughts myself). The first thing I would do is plod into the aisle with all of the large, high-definition televisions. Then, I would stand there. For at least 10-15 minutes, or more (most of my time there, in fact), I would stand and look at the natural wonders of this planet, displayed in bright colors. It was one small thing that stirred any feeling in my grief-stricken body and my numb soul. It gave the tiniest spark that there was still beauty here. It gave me a bit of hope. And I made it a point to do it every time, because I knew I desperately needed it. Small moments and tokens are reminders: God is still present. You are still loved. Hope is still solid under your shaky feet. Today's reality isn't your forever reality. A Final Word: The Faithfulness of God The first (and pretty much only) words to me from a trusted, wise person after my husband died, when we came face to face at the back of a church sanctuary were this: "Rachel, you are going to know the faithfulness of God." I am grateful to say that through it all... this has been so true that it has become the theme that I share of the worst 6 years of my life. Through it all, He has been so faithful. If your faith feels shaky, if God feels distant, if you’re not sure how to trust Him again—you’re not alone. Faith isn’t the absence of the bloody struggles. It’s choosing to turn back toward Him to receive what we need (goodness knows, in our pain, we will be turning to something!). God hasn’t abandoned you. He’s holding you fast, even in this. And step by step, through grief and suffering, a deeper hope can be found- the foundation underneath the "rock bottom" where we may find ourselves at this time. You are going to know the faithfulness of God. Keep turning to Him, my friend. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

"Wait, my daughter, and see what happens..." -Ruth 3:18 The verse had been beautifully burned onto a piece of wood (at my request) as a reminder, and I had put it up in my bedroom, so that every night when I climbed into bed, I would be looking straight at it. This night, however, I glared in its direction with disbelief and in anger, sitting alone in what felt like unbearable pain. It had been somewhere short of 1,000 days since my life started its downward spiral. Hundreds and hundreds of days and nights, suffering. My incredible husband becoming addicted, angry, abusive, and dying by suicide The loss of trust in my church that told me to "submit" to it, then questioned nearly everything about my character and motives in the aftermath Feeling personal and outside guilt for my husband's death The loss of our financial stability Navigating COVID as a new widow with 4 children Losing relationships Being taken advantage of in a variety of ways Living every day carrying an impossible load Saying it was all "too much" is an understatement. The intense pain and struggle would continue for years to come... and in addition to struggling intensely with suicide, I would actually end up attempting myself, twice. Hopelessness kills people. Everyday. So what do we do when the suffering truly seems endless? When we feel we are way past our capacity and limits, with no end to the pain in sight? We must come to some, very real hope , if we are going to make it through the dark night of the soul alive (physically, as well as staying present to our lives). The Reality of Suffering Research in neuroscience, general and mental health, relationships, family structures, socioeconomics and beyond show that there are massive (and long-term) implications of ongoing pain. This is true for pain of all kinds- physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. We are well past the time of hiding behind ignorance and downplaying suffering. Our refusal to deal with our own wounds (and those of others) has predictable, tangible, and destructive implications. And yet, we also know that it is through the experiences of suffering that some of the most resilient and transformative changes can come. "Post traumatic growth" has been used to describe “positive psychological changes experienced as a result of the struggle with trauma or highly challenging situations." However, it is so important that this narrative not be laid over every person's suffering, with the expectation to find the silver lining in loss... which often leads those suffering into greater distress. How can we look honestly at suffering, and still find real hope to hold on to? Why Our Pain Problem is the Foundation to HOPE Humans have a capacity problem. The fact is, we are very limited. Our nervous systems have a "window of tolerance" (heck, even our tempers do). We are restricted in our physical health, constrained by financial and tangible resources, and have (truly) little control over pretty much all of the external factors in our lives. Although our attempts to create and build purposeful contributions in our lives and world are good, we all experience pain. Eventually, most of us face significant losses and must come to terms with the fact that many of them may be people and things we will never again have in this lifetime. Where is hope when our loved one has died, and will never be coming back? How do we find enjoyment in a life where we may have permanent losses to our body and health? These paths of suffering are excruciating, because we cannot change them. And it is often the feeling and belief of being trapped or stuck in the pain that causes people to lose hope, check out on their life, and perhaps even end it. I am going to share something with you I have been transformed by in my own journey of post traumatic growth. I share this from a posture that does NOT take your suffering lightly. I ask that you do not take mine lightly, either, but rather hear me out: It is in coming to the end of putting our hopes in what we can lose that we find where its true and lasting source lies. What if all the circumstances of your life are only a small fraction of what it actually turns out to be? The vast majority of your life, and you who are, is decided by what you will choose to do with that small fraction of events. And the even better news is that it doesn't entirely depend on us! We are not the answer in and of ourselves. While we can choose much of who we are to become, we are very limited, remember? Our true HOPE comes from partnering with the One who has no limits, and can bring us a beautiful and resilient life through , in and after our greatest losses, suffering and pain. Two Truths- The Good News We Need To Endure 1) The Pain Will End When we are going through the worst pain we have ever experienced, and it isn't stopping, we need to know that it will end. The belief that "life will always be this way" can lead us to hopelessness and despair. Let me encourage you that things will NOT always be the way they are now. This is not a platitude, it is a guaranteed reality in two ways: External Circumstances Most of the struggles we face in life are ever-changing. Although they weigh us down, they can, and do, change! Our financial situations, relationships, families, life opportunities, and many of the losses we face are things that can be renewed and rebuilt. You are not locked into this situation being your forever reality; it's an impossibility for it to always be this way. So hold on to the hope that this is going to look different for you in the next season. It may not be all at once, but you are NOT trapped here and it will NOT always be the way it is now. Internal States Where you are at in your physical and mental health, as well as your beliefs/frame of mind are also not static. Again, it is a physiological impossibility for you to remain in a state where you always feel this way, or think this way. Your body (brain neurotransmitters, hormones, etc.) are always changing and trying to move toward homeostasis (balance). This is critical, because although you may feel so strongly that it is hopeless, you will not always feel this way and see it as such; and you do not want to make a decision (such as ending your life) from a basis of what is false . While suicidal struggles can be ongoing, the suicidal crisis "stage," when people complete typically lasts only minutes to hours. We need to use that fact to get us through those minutes, hours... days and years. It will not always be this way! 2) His Faithfulness Will Carry You Until the Pain Ends What about the losses that are irreversible in our lives, such as the death of a loved one or a permanent disability or loss? Although it may not seem helpful right now, I pray this reality helps you hold on to hope: Even our entire lifetime here is temporary; it is still true that it will not always be this way. This truth, rightly held, actually keeps us from unaliving ourselves here to get there quicker. It strengthens us to fight the good fight, finish the race, and keep the faith (2 Tim 4:7) until the real end of the race (our lifetime). What keeps us from quitting when we truly experience the end of ourselves? When we are past capacity and at the end of our limits? It's that the Lord has none, and can strengthen and carry us, with unyielding faithfulness, through that which we could not endure very well. In Him, we can do it gloriously; the impossible is possible. At times, I have still had suicidal thoughts/struggles. When I hear the same old song/cry in my depths saying, "I can't do this anymore!" (keep living), I rebuke it. I remind myself that He never quits, and is holding me fast, in a grip that never lets go. I cannot cry out, "YOU can't do this anymore!" to God and believe it. I know He is capable, and that is where I go when I am at my end . In this way, I see that I can, and will, survive. Anything. In Him, you can, too. The paradox of HOPE In my own life with tragedy and trauma, I have come to find the most blessed of realities: "Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." -J.K. Rowling True HOPE and life, that cannot be taken from you or lost again, can be found nowhere else but in Him. And He is SO FAITHFUL to carry you through. May you know it, experientially. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

“I have been doing this for so long, but I can't do it anymore,” I said, crying. "I feel like a dog chained to a pole, taking a beating over and over. I can't get out, and I feel like I am going to bite." I was sitting with the two most powerful men in my life at that time- my husband and my pastor. I had felt unheard for years, and this day, I was desperate for them to understand how deeply I was struggling in the pain. I decided to reveal where I actually was. "I can't keep doing this." I repeated. "The acting out over and over, and now it's getting worse... and I'm just supposed to go on with the day, and the next day, like it never happened. It's been 10 years... I can't keep doing life where every time I hear the train go by, I wish I was under it." I was still crying, but I stopped speaking after saying it out loud... I felt so much shame for struggling with suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately, the answer that I longed for - one that allowed me to have limits and boundaries - did not come. In fact, nothing changed. Later I would hear again that I was the unstable and reactionary one, with "extreme emotions." Empowerment wasn’t a word in my vocabulary then - but it was the lifeline I didn’t know I needed. I found it a while later when I joined two separate support groups and began weekly counseling. I was desperate for hope, for personal growth, and for lasting change. With support, I set and held a significant boundary as the addiction escalated (even reaching illegal behaviors); we separated for about a week's time. I needed the time: so I didn't react ("bite" as I felt I was going to snap), and to pray, seek counsel, and determine what I needed to go forward in a different direction... one I could live in. One we could rebuild our marriage in. I soon found out that the separation was not only considered unjustified and a lack of submission, but actually a "sin" that I needed to repent for and promise to never consider again. My declining husband demanded it, and the pastor ultimately agreed with him that I was in the wrong and didn't have grounds. In the face of being called a feminist and being told repeatedly to submit to increasing abuse, what I leaned on and kept saying (even when physically cornered) was, "The Holy Spirit is not convicting me of sin. I can't say it was wrong. I can't say I won't have boundaries." Materials from my groups were ripped up, and asking to read a book from Dr. Cloud on boundaries together sparked rage. I went to Barnes and Noble to read more about boundaries, abuse, and what to do... in secret. My attempt to end the grasp of hopelessness, suicide, and addiction over myself became the vortex around which everything centered, and continued to spiral - to the loss of my husband's life and my church community. Widowhood came with another level of feeling powerless and hopeless... and in the midst of the losses, grief and guilt, I found myself more suicidal than ever before. Rock Bottom is Sacred Ground Here's the beauty of finding yourself at the ground zero wreckage - the rebuilding of something resilient, and something stronger. As you say “yes” to healing, you step into deeper faith as an act of hope... because the Lord graciously empowers all of His children. Empowerment is not just about freedom of action/autonomy, but, as I will argue, critical to having HOPE — including the belief that change is possible and worth pursuing. Through Hope Speaker, I focus on empowering women impacted by widowhood, spiritual abuse, or suicide, to take hold of HOPE and confidently lead their future into it. Why is this so important? Why are hope and empowerment crucially linked; not just to one another, but to our relationship with God as well as very tangible outcomes in our lives? Why are they vital in the fight against suicide, the healing of spiritual abuse, and healing and growth in widowhood? Let's explore a little. Defining Empowerment: The Catalyst for Change & Gift of God Here are just a couple definitions of empowerment: The authority or power for to someone to do something. The process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in decision making regarding one's own life. I would like to ask: are we truly able to grow without autonomy? If we are merely "changed" by another - their will, their actions, by their decisions or in their way - are we really transformed? Even though God is perfectly sovereign, all-knowing, all-powerful, and in control... we see Him give every person the gift of free will and the allowance of choice. Isn't that the path to authentic love and transformation? Our ability to choose Him, or not to? Therefore, aren't we to reflect this to one another in our allowance of the freedoms which God has given? In fact, the agency and choices God gives us are what make us humans created in His image (He gave this no other creature). We will even stand before Him, accountable to the responsibility of managing ourselves and our own lives well. How then, can we take this from one another in any way? It is God Himself who gives it. There is no person, no gender, no role... in or by which God has designed us to disempower another human being. The problem with this definition of empowerment- The act or action of empowering someone or something : the granting of the power, right, or authority... - is that in our brokenness, we do not grant power or authority to others (but disempower them instead). It is unbiblical, and wrong, to deny/disempower/coerce anyone away from the autonomy that God Himself gives as a right and responsibility. Just this last week I read in 1 Corinthians 12 (ESV): "Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. " -v. 4-6 " All these [gifts] are empowered by one and the same Spirit , who apportions to each one individually as he wills." -v. 11 What a picture of the Lord giving us roles, purpose, and gifts... along with the authority by His Spirit to carry them out! It is true for all of us in the Church. Given this, I would like to offer a definition for Christian empowerment: An active, faith-driven partnership with God that embraces the autonomy and responsibility He gives every human, to walk in His purposes and power. Why Empowerment Creates Deep, Sustainable Change Often in life there are sufferings, circumstances, and seasons of waiting where we can only trust the Lord. Thankfully, He is our hope; a sure and steadfast anchor for the soul (Heb. 6:19). What we are talking about in this blog is where we do/should have choice and power as a change agent in our own lives, which is plentiful for us... more than we realize. Additionally, walking in this empowerment is also from confidence rooted in His promises. Proof We have discovered that equipping people with the power and freedom of self-determination is superior in ensuring success, dignity, and sustainable change in a wide variety of areas: Education, business training and financial literacy programs improve impoverished communities in becoming self-sufficient over the ongoing need for outside direction and support. Empowerment initiatives for women in developing nations (for example: microfinance programs in Bangladesh) reduce poverty and foster generational change. Science shows through neuroplasticity that empowerment and hope help rewire the brain for resilience and growth after trauma. These are just a few drops in the bucket. The evidence is clear- supporting systems that empower people rather than focusing on maintaining control offers better outcomes and more growth. While authority and leadership are both necessary and are gifts to provide structure and move toward common goals, we should be extremely wary of a mindset or practice which tries to supersede an individual's agency over themselves. Even within the parameters of Christianity, encouraging God's people to walk in the empowerment He grants through the Holy Spirit keeps faith from being dependent, fragile, and stagnant. The entire Bible is full of God calling and empowering His people by the His Spirit to subdue the earth and fulfill the great commission. Often, our white-knuckle, fearful attempts to control exactly what that should look like and stay in charge end up hobbling the people who could be contributing to the body and to the world. In every area, loving empowerment is freeing people to live more sustainable, purposeful lives. And it is vital to healing, resilience, trauma / spiritual abuse recovery, and sustainable change through relational faith. The Synergy of Empowerment and HOPE Hope and empowerment are not merely linked; together they are exponentially more impactful. ➡️ Empowering people to act and grow promotes hope: Think of Mordecai's encouragement of Esther to boldly and unlawfully approach the King, despite the expectations and limits on her role as a female in that day. His words to her were these: "...who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” -Esther 4:14 He imparted courage, and even appealed to the power and authority God gave her to move into action and into hope- for her and all her people. ➡️ And, hope can in turn sustain empowerment: Paul’s endurance came from hope in God’s promise of redemption: "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." -Rom. 8:18 Empowerment and hope can together create an upward spiral into initiating and persevering on life's journey. ...And their impact on Suicide The impact of empowerment on HOPE is absolutely crucial. It is literally a matter of life and death, because: Hopelessness kills people. Every day. Not only do I know this intimately from experience. It is well-known from research. Here are just a couple of experts on the subject: Dr. Amen, who has studied suicidal brains for 45+ years, states: "What we learn is people go toward suicidal thoughts when they become hopeless, when they feel like they have no sense of agency... " Dr. Adam David, a Certified Clinical Psychologist and Trauma Expert shared this: "You want to stifle somebody's hope? Isolate them. You want to bolster someone's hope? Put them in a tribe with people that are there to support them , and see them, and care for them, and tell them, ' You measure up and you have something to offer. ' " Empowerment gives HOPE and saves lives. Suicide can feel like your only option when you are trapped in excruciating pain. Feeling stuck, in some cases, is the experience of being disempowered; being told and/or believing you have no other choices and no way out. Helping people to learn how God empowers them, how to listen to their bodies (it's cues and wisdom), to know and honor their needs and limits, to have a voice in self-determination of their lives, to set boundaries to keep themself in a safe and God-honoring place... This is suicide prevention! This is empowering people with hope. Practical Empowerment Strategies The good news is that we can help to empower others with hope. The even better news is that when others don't do this for us, we can embrace the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, and embolden ourselves to live in His authority! Here are some additional, tangible takeaways (with emphasis on empowerment strategies for women, faith-based healing ideas, and trauma recovery tips): Identify systemic challenges that hinder you, such as generational trauma, false cultural stigmas, and spiritual abuse. Embrace personal agency with God’s help. Set healthy boundaries in relationships (all of them). Seek trauma-informed counseling or spiritual mentorship. Seek collective healing within a safe, supportive body of Christ and other communities. Build resilience through adaptive strategies. Become a mentor or advocate for others. These things can help you in overcoming barriers to empowerment, growing in faith-based resilience, and healing from generational trauma. Your Empowerment Journey My friend, you are not stuck in your pain, or trapped in hopelessness. Sustainable change is possible when anchored in both empowerment and hope. You are more free than you may know right now, and hope is closer than you feel. Together, let’s take hold of the future God has for you. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe  (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drop

“Whatever I am supposed to be as a woman in the church, what's most important to me is that it’s honoring to the Lord. I want to please Him, I want to do what He says… and for my whole life I thought I knew what that was- it was what I was taught. But that desire was manipulated and used to keep me submissive, even in abuse…” “It’s scary to begin to question, and to seek- what does the Bible really say? It feels wrong when you’re used to being unquestioning, trusting what the leadership is telling you. Trusting they are theologically on point. And as you start to speak up, there's rejection... But I’m finally realizing His love for me, and my place in His people, is different than what I’ve been told.” I recently sat and exchanged words with another woman in my area who was in the process of leaving her church, after abuse, divorce, lack of honesty and support from the church finally became enough for her to take a stand. I resonated so much with not just her experience, but her heart. The Devastating Cost of Error Accurate theology and biblical interpretation are so important . As humans, we can make up our minds and follow our own desires and ideas to any end. The Bible guides us in God’s ways of goodness, truth, and love. I understood from my lifetime in church that sound doctrine was a protection (against things like a women’s movement who want to throw off male leadership). That’s why I, as a woman, looked at those who “rocked the boat,” “gossiped” about leaders and left the church as ignorant, prideful or wayward. The problem is that misinterpretation of the Word also created the lived reality my friend and I have navigated. Though we thought we knew the answers, what we experienced (in words and actions) was: “You don’t have grounds for those lines you want to draw. You need to trust God and submit.” “You need to trust your husband and submit.” “I am telling you what to do. You need to trust me and submit.” “Don’t question or correct me; I won’t receive it. You do the listening and obeying.” “Your husband’s voice and decisions hold more value, weight, and validity than yours… in your marriage and even over your own body.” It even set the stage for abuse as defined by law in our families to never be reported (though pastors are mandatory reporters) as they “managed” the situation… by telling us to yield to our spouses. I remember a light bulb moment after an experience with pastors in my widowhood (one that was both devastating and demeaning). I wondered why these men were acting as though they didn’t need to be humble or teachable in my concerns of what had happened, and what was still happening at that time. Later, the light bulb went off related to the doctrine I'd been taught there over a decade: As a woman, I was “under” these men who believe biblical interpretations that women are not to teach them… If they believed I am not to teach them, how could they ever, really, learn from me!? This is why I was repeatedly being corrected instead of heard. This was why they were so harsh when I began to push back, even though I was so broken and vulnerable after my husband's death, trying to find understanding and safety. Complementarian and Egalitarian Biblical accuracy holds heavy weight and has major implications. Let’s address two theological views (though not the only two) right off the bat: Complementarianism: a view that men and women have different but complementary roles and responsibilities in marriage, family, and religious life. Egalitarianism: a view that people are equal before God in their personhood, and there are no gender-based limitations of what functions or roles each can fulfill in the home, the church, and the society. [For the record, I personally am somewhere in between these two views, or at least I refuse the distorted extremes of both... which result in crippling women in the church in complementarian views, or losing gender distinctions altogether in egalitarian views.] The Implications of Beliefs... Here’s the problem with what many are arguing is Biblical complementarianism - see if you can hear it in less than 4 minutes: 🚩 Here are a few red flags, in case you missed them: Women cannot trust their intuition, honor their limits or have their own boundaries You are called to submit to abuse until it gets bad enough/the men deem it “bad enough" Then, supposedly this same hierarchical system will be your “protection” (while things are kept behind the churches closed doors) Even in gross/extreme examples of abuse of her as a person, her posture is still to be submissive rather than authoritative in any way The belief that a woman’s higher submission to the Lord keeps her under these things, rather than the recognition that it frees her from it! These wounds, these cries, our collective healing- are why it is critical to know what God really says about, and to, women. What does the Bible say? Jesus Jesus walked into a world that treated women as property and transformed everything. He didn't just acknowledge or include women. He saw them… truly saw them, and truly loved them. He spoke with the Samaritan woman at the well - a conversation that shattered every social and religious boundary of His time. Jesus chose her, and her story spills over with redemption. Rejected by society, but embraced by divinity. She becomes the first evangelist to her entire community. Though she was female, especially in that day, Jesus picked her to be a voice and the one to lead this change. He praised Mary sitting at His feet and learning - a position reserved exclusively for male disciples. Jesus appeared first to women after His resurrection, entrusting them with the most world-changing message in human history, though the men of the world thought nothing of a woman’s testimony. And women, “disobedient, sinful” women, were significant inclusions in the redemptive story and lineage of Christ Himself. Jesus did not make women small, invisible, or silenced. His empowerment of the lowly is a wild, expansive story of liberation. God persistently, relentlessly lifted and called the marginalized- women. The thing is, the church I was abused in acknowledged this from the pulpit. Let’s keep looking... Paul Paul can be used/misinterpreted as a theological misogynist (sexist jerk) … but he was actually a profound advocate for women's spiritual authority. His New Testament writings aren't a handbook for suppression. They're a blueprint for radical belonging. Look at Romans 16 – and we see Phoebe, a deacon. Junia, an apostle. Priscilla, a teacher who guided even learned men like Apollos. They were leaders carrying the very heartbeat of the early church (though often downplayed and undermined, as far as having any actual “roles” in the church). When Paul writes about submission in Ephesians 5, he begins with a revolutionary statement: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Mutual submission isn't weakness. It's the truest reflection of Christ's own nature - a laying down of power, not a grasping of it. Paul presents it as greater than hierarchy, domination, and exclusion. However, mutual submission was also acknowledged from my former church’s pulpit... Biblical Restrictions of Women's Roles- The "Clearest" Passages So what about the passages that are very clear in putting women in their “biblical place” that were taught and reinforced to me? As I grew in my relationship with the Lord, I did really struggle to understand these passages that seemed so anti-God (the One of Love I had grown to know more and more personally). These typical go-to passages include: 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 “Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.” 1 Timothy 2, especially verses 11-12 “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” With the reason following in verses 13-14 “For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.” From this comes the argument that the roots of these limitations on women’s roles are in Genesis, mandating this restriction of women in the church for all people and all time. Wrong All Along? However, this interpretation does not line up with the clear, God-given identity, and empowering directive (given for all time and all people) in Genesis for both men and women together in Gen. 1: 27-28: “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” There are many arguments against the idea that Paul gave prohibitions for women that apply to all women in the church and for all time (and the Biblical contradictions in holding such a view). But we don't hear them, of course, in these churches. Looking at the gender passages through the lens of their original context gives entirely different means of valid interpretation… and in some crucial texts, revealing Paul once again saying the exact opposite of what it sounds like he’s saying (based on knowing the context). We hear of these contexts in looking at passages about slavery, head coverings, and others... but not too much regarding women's roles. These are CRITICAL distinctions in the lives of half of the church. I wish I could go into all the details here. Willing to Reconsider What You "Know"? However, I will submit a couple of resources I have dug into, which implore you to consider. They are more than worth the time to listen/read and deeply consider . Here they are, with links: Almost Heretical Podcast Episode #34 Authority over a man (1 Timothy 2:11-15) Episode #35 Adam, then Eve (1 Timothy 2:11-15) See their full Gender series (1-9, above episodes included) HERE They are lengthy discussions, but I found them very in depth and helpful. Research Paper This seminary paper is written by Rose Pauly, a dear and brilliant friend, whom has read and researched extensively on both sides of the issue. Example of A Change of Mind Rick Warren, a famous pastor and author, had previously accepted (and preached) that limiting women in leadership was Biblical. Later, after what he says was a a Spirit-led change of heart, he wrote a public apology to all women in the church and announced his support of the roles of women he previously opposed: “My biggest regret in 53 years of ministry is that I didn’t do my own personal exegesis sooner on the 4 passages used to restrict women. Shame on me. I wasted those 4 yrs of Greek in college & seminary. When I finally did my proper “due diligence”, laying aside 50 years of bias, I was shocked, chagrined, and embarrassed. So many hermeneutical rules were being violated including: Never build a doctrine on a single word that is used only once in scripture! There's nothing to compare it to (correlation) Do your own study of authentien in ancient Greek and you’ll be shocked too… But I DO want to do this: I PUBLICLY APOLOGIZE to every good women in my life, church, and ministry that I failed to speak up for in my years of ignorance. What grieves me is that I hindered them in obeying the Great Commission command (And Acts 2:17-18) that EVERYONE is to TEACH in the church. I held them back from using the spiritual gifts and leadership skills that the Holy Spirit had sovereignly placed in them. That breaks my heart now…” His church, Saddleback Church in California, was removed from the Southern Baptist Convention… with others to follow as the SBC banned these roles for women, and expelled churches that would support them. May the Church have the humility to repent. Final Plea Is there really a question about whether the higher priority is protecting ownership, control and restrictions, or the God-given empowerment of His people (especially of the "least of these")? Where is the gospel? Where is the heart of Jesus? When did supporting the voice and role of women become equated with usurping the voice and role of men? When did we stop being part of the great commission together, and instead focus on hobbling half of the church in it’s giftings and abilities to spread the Lord’s love by all means ? And why have we made these means "wrong" when they are a fulfillment of sharing the gospel, and do not dishonor God in any way? We've turned spiritual gifts into a limited resource. Rationed. Controlled. As if God's Spirit can be contained by human fear. As if divine breath and championing of all his children can be silenced by institutional walls or misinterpretation. This isn't about political correctness. This is about remembering who we were redeemed to be. Whole. Heard. Holy - set apart from the darkness, NOT from one another in the body. To the woman reading this - your voice is not a disruption. You have a divine invitation. Your spiritual gifts are not negotiable; they are necessary. To the church - it's time to repent of fear and control. The freeing hope of Jesus’ invitation, and of Pentecost – the Holy Spirit in and through every believer – is here. We can no longer ignore the issue, thinking we don't need to act if we weren’t personally involved in the abuse/wrong. To do nothing, to turn away… to remain unmoved and unchanged, is to be complicit in the problem. The people that we love (from daughters to sisters to the boys growing up into it as well) will not be spared indoctrination, while these beliefs and treatments remain. Empowerment is biblical mandate, not optional grace. May we stop wiping out half the gospel force with restrictions the Holy Spirit has not laid on His people. May we never have giftings, and callings from the Lord, that are not allowed to be used where we worship. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe  (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drop

Well, last week's blog caused quite the ruckus (and more private than public). Upon receiving both questions and accusations regarding attacking the church, usurping the role of men, and being a contentious person over "trivial matters," I have been spending time in prayer. I felt moved to write a series in the blog in the coming weeks. (Keep in mind, blog ≠ book, but I will do my best with the limitations). Amidst the noise, I also had more people with similar experiences of wounding in the church reach out to me than ever before... many who are now estranged from the church entirely, or from a personal relationship with God Himself. May we recognize that being a lamp on a stand to those who do not believe, and loving those within the body of Christ are not only equally important, but are actually the same thing . "By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” -John 13:35 Let's dive in. What Addressing Spiritual Oppression Is Not Unnecessary, or "trivial" Gossip, slander, bitterness, unforgiveness An issue of "convictions" A cause of disunity As we will see later, these issues are incredibly important to God, and He addresses them quite seriously Himself, from His love for His people . Speaking up about spiritual abuse and harm does not automatically mean a person has a "wrong heart." A person may have forgiven, taken much effort and time to heal, and not give specific names to churches or people. Their posture will give a glimpse into their heart, but there is no way to "know" where a person is before God in the matter. What is more - it still wouldn't disqualify them from sharing abuse. Also, while the Bible does say to "avoid foolish controversies [and] a person who stirs up division" (Titus 3:9-10), someone naming religious trauma and abuse is a far cry from qualifying as such. Regarding scriptures which promote unity over quarrels about convictions (see Romans 14 and others), the issues of spiritual abuse/manipulation are not conviction issues . Instead, there is a moral obligation to uphold truth and the safety of people. Finally, saying a person is divisive, is trying to "make sides," or is causing disunity for speaking about the harm in their story is weaponizing peacemaking, and is in itself, manipulative. Responding in an honest way to that which causes disunity (abuse) is a way forward to change and greater unity. So, What Are We Talking About Here? Spiritual Abuse/Manipulation: a profound violation of trust that uses religious beliefs, scriptures, or spiritual authority to control, manipulate, or harm another person- leveraging their desire to honor God or their very relationship with Him Failing to address sin/wounding/failures by leadership... which creates a tainted "power" group/structure Indoctrinating people (or specific groups- such as women) to be subservient, or relinquish their God-given autonomy, voice, giftings or calling... creating a prime environment for abuse Why Is This a Big Freaking Deal? If we do not hold to some basic fundamentals, both our relationship with God, as well as the foundation of the church, are compromised. 1) We are all (meaning every person without exception or category) created in the image of God, equally loved, and gifted with self-governance, responsibility and choice It is not in God's directive for these to be taken from His people, which is dehumanization . People are able to display the gospel, and lay down their lives for others (and have it actually mean something), because it is rooted in free will... not because it was forced upon them in the name of "doing the 'right' thing." 2) All authority and calls to submission are based, and built, first on humility and mutual submission In Titus 2:15 Paul says to Titus, "Declare these things; exhort and rebuke with all authority. Let no one disregard you." The Bible does speak of authority, including rebuking those in need of correction. It also speaks of submission. In Ephesians 5:22, Paul also begins his words to wives with, "submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord..." What is critical to understand is that Paul's theology was rooted in mutual submission and the character of humility and repentance. Directly before his statement to wives, he tells everyone to " submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21). The Word says believers are to be humble, and to confess and repent of their sin no matter what their status is... In fact, those in leadership are, in some ways, given an ever higher standard. This is critical, because no leader can confront sin, or exercise authority / discipline in the church, if they can not first receive it and be under it themselves. I distinctly remember how it struck me when I heard a man say: "What is the number one hindrance to women being submissive to men in any context? It's men who are boneheads!" As a Christian woman, the scariest thing (in whichever context), is being under the "authority" of a man who is not under "authority" himself.... and that includes (critically), leaders being accountable to members (not just others in authority with them). Taking advantage of the vulnerability of submission is exactly the space where abuse grows. The bottom line is that the holding of shepherds to the same standard is a safeguard for the sheep... for when and where (not if) a pastor is in disobedience or in the wrong. I mean, we do still believe we are all human and it happens with both leaders and congregants, correct? 3) Abuse, manipulation and wounding of this nature in the church grieves and angers the heart of God While there is wrath for sin in a general sense, God often reserves his strongest words for those who take advantage of the vulnerabilities of His people, particularly if they use religion to oppress those trying to come to Him: "It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these [vulnerable] ones to sin." -Luke 17:2 "Therefore thus says the Lord, the God of Israel, concerning the shepherds who care for my people: “You have scattered my flock and have driven them away, and you have not attended to them. Behold, I will attend to you for your evil deeds, declares the Lord. Then I will gather [them]... and I will bring them back to their fold, and they shall be fruitful and multiply. I will set shepherds over them who will care for them, and they shall fear no more, nor be dismayed, neither shall any be missing, declares the Lord. -Jeremiah 23:1-4 "Jesus entered the temple and drove out all who sold and bought in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those who sold pigeons. He said to them, 'It is written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer,’ but you make it a den of robbers. '" -Matthew 21:12-13 Fiercely addressing abuse and oppression (as well as the enablement/ cover up of it) in the church is, in fact, what Jesus did. Christians often use the overturned tables passage to fuel their stone-throwing across the divide at other groups (LGBTQ, pro-choice, etc.), which is wrong in and of itself. But the context of this passage shows that Jesus powerfully spoke and addressed it not outside of, but within the church, in His own faith, where the real upheavals were needed. No one can use spiritual truths or directives in a way that hinders people coming to God, or walking out their faith, without having to contend with God Himself. Stating that addressing these same grievances is "graceless, and is causing divisiveness between his followers" to keep people quiet is a misapplication of the Scriptures and is in itself an example of spiritual abuse. May we never refuse to believe when others finally share harm (it typically takes time, if it is ever openly shared at all). May we never try to silence the cry for safety and greater love of the church. 4) Last (but not least), the church family is not a dysfunctional family Here's a clip from The Hopecast podcast (Ep. 140-141) I did with Rachael Flick, where I address this topic (and what we have been discussing in this post): The point is, we are to tell the truth about family dysfunction, abuse, enablement... and we are to encourage people to heal and step out of these broken systems. The family of God is no different! We don't try to hide the harmful parts to get more people to attend... and get caught in the same brokenness. This is a Big. Freakin'. Deal. to God. And I want to say, with both love and boldness: If you refuse to believe someone who is sharing harm (regardless of how much time has passed, or how close you are to the person who did the wounding) or you refuse to hear from them directly, or your turn a blind eye/ deaf ear - you are part of the problem, and part of the cycle. The High Goal of Unity Scripture admonishes and compels us toward unity as the bride and body of Christ. It is a beautiful, noble and lofty aim. Unity in the church is also the responsibility of every believer; for pastors and leaders as much as the flock. People are never called to be abused or mistreated without protest in the name of peace. It starts with humility and repentance that can lead to reconciliation and continued unity: Unity grows from the soils of safety and true love. Where there is fear and the failure to confront abuse and manipulation, there is disunity, sin, and brokenness. We reject division and uphold oneness in the church by calling for the spiritual oppression of God's people to end. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe  (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drop

"We decide who is up there, and we've already told you that you're no longer leading worship. Are you trying to push just to be up on stage?" my pastor asked, rather flatly. "I don't know what the exact time frame is or what it all looks like," I replied, aware that I was getting flushed in embarrassment at the false accusation, "But I know that God has called me into worship leading. I know the Holy Spirit wants to use me there." "So you're going to use the 'God card'? We have to let you lead worship because 'God says so?'" It was so backwards, convoluted, and just wrong . The assumption of my attempt to manipulate God Himself for my selfish gain seemed to hang there... perhaps my shock would not allow it in. But with a rush, it sank like a knife deep in my heart. I don't remember much else of the brief words that may have been exchanged upon my leave, but I remember feeling the color drain from me and the feeling of humiliation settle into the pit of my soul. I felt so incredibly misjudged, and small... I just wanted to hide. My very own pastor, who preached the Bible and its truths, who emphasized sound doctrine and things like love, whom I had lived life with for years, said this to me. The pastor who showed up the day it was announced to me that my husband was dead by suicide... this shepherd over my soul, shamed me spiritually in a way I had never before experienced. In my deep grief of widowhood, being on a stage for my own interest was the farthest thing from my mind. Worship was how I lived, breathed, and did warfare. And I felt so moved by the Spirit to share it. How was I being treated this way for trying to live out the faith that was preached every Sunday? I couldn't understand what was happening. This conversation was a few months after being widowed. Amongst the many changes I had to navigate, I hadn't anticipated this one. The church was becoming anything but "home" or "family," and in the most broken time of my life, I received some of the hardest blows from the body of Christ. Repeated meetings with church leadership to find answers or resolution did not work. Not even when I tried involving a counselor (who also did not feel her input was heard or respected as a woman) and a few others in the church to try to help me navigate the confusion. These couple of pastors had made up their minds; they were going to do things their way. I remember crying and asking why they did not protect me when my husband became abusive. I asked why they ignored my pleas for help as he declined mentally. Most relevant of all, I asked why my life had been under a microscope after he died by suicide, and why I was being treated like a wolf among the sheep when I, too, was the church? Even when these other supporters attended with me and also asked on my behalf, no legitimate reasons or answers were given, including for why I was removed from worship leading in the first place (though it gave me life in a dark time) or when I may be allowed to return. The reasons that were given were illogical, contradictory or even unbiblical, but as with everything else, they only became more adamant if I tried to ask questions or press further. This knife-in-the-heart conversation with a pastor had been another one of my attempts to find peace, to share my heart with leadership and understand what was happening. However, it was a mistake to keep trying... and I eventually learned it. How Does Someone Get To That Point? For over a decade I thought spiritual abuse was normal, because I never recognized it . This is so, terribly, common. It was much easier to be reminded of my place as a wife and woman in the church and fall in line. I was determined to be a "godly woman." There were things I struggled with, but I always told myself to swallow my pride, lay down my life, and to be "gentle and quiet" as a woman... every time. Even when: The 0% divorce rate was announced proudly from stage... while myself and others in broken (some abusive at the time) marriages sat under its banner The few times I dared to try to address a problem/inconsistency with the leadership, I walked away corrected and being the one wrong/who apologized I was repeatedly told I never had grounds for any boundaries, even when my husband's addiction escalated to illegal behaviors I was told I was reacting "extreme" when I expressed despair at not being able to get out of that which was destroying me I was abused and I reached out to men in "authority" for help; who complied with my husband's desire to know I had, and I was punished (which they were aware of because I shared it) I was told to submit by pastors and called a "feminist" by my late husband more times than I could count while simultaneously never being allowed boundaries or to have limits as a human being During and after my late husband's decline and sickness, however, I became more empowered by the Lord Himself to have a voice and authority for myself- that I previously thought I needed permission from male leaders to have. It became apparent to me that I was viewed as either out of control, or no longer seen as having the character to lead/participate, and I lost belonging where I had once performed as a leader, a wife, and a "good Christian." I finally realized something was deeply wrong; I was not safe, and I would not heal in that church. I would not be allowed the voice they did not believe I had. I would never be able to be the woman of faith the Lord was calling me to be where I had no freedom or empowerment to do so. So I left, and even my competency to make that decision was questioned. Spiritual abuse can begin in a whisper—a subtle suggestion that our worth is somehow tied to our silence, our compliance, our diminishment. Sometimes, it breathes so softly you almost miss its suffocating presence. But often, it will grow into a roar if resisted. I've shared how it happened to me in my story. Now let's look at the objective realities. What is Spiritual Abuse? Spiritual abuse is a profound violation of trust that uses religious beliefs, scriptures, or spiritual authority to control, manipulate, or harm another person. It's a betrayal that cuts deeper than physical wounds because it attacks the very core of one's spiritual identity and sense of self-worth... namely, one's connection and relationship with God. This form of abuse can occur in various settings—marriages, churches, religious communities—when spiritual authority is weaponized instead of used for genuine care and support. It's characterized by: Systematic undermining of personal boundaries Using religious texts or beliefs to justify control Invalidating personal experiences and limits Creating a culture of shame and silence to maintain belonging Red Flags of Spiritual and Emotional Manipulation In Marriage Watch for these warning signs: Your partner uses biblical passages to demand unquestioning obedience Your spiritual (or other) concerns are consistently dismissed or minimized Your personal thoughts or intuition are not valid Your partner uses prayer or spiritual language to avoid accountability Your individual identity is consistently subjugated to a narrow interpretation of "godly" behavior In Church Environment Manipulation can look like: Leadership that discourages questioning or critical thinking Spiritual counsel that consistently blames the victim Isolation from supportive networks, and not referring to counseling outside the church Silencing mechanisms disguised as "maintaining unity" and "honoring God-given authority" Spiritual leaders who refuse open accountability or owning major failures publicly (and rather hide them) Pathways to Healing and Empowerment Healing begins with recognizing your inherent worth, given to you by God who loves you deeply. You are not defined by anyone other than Him, and a believer's relationship with God, hearing from Holy Spirit is the grass roots of the church. Our relationship with Him is where it all begins, so the fear and distrust of it is a red flag. Here are a few things to consider: Church should be a place where you feel safe (body, mind, soul) Seek professional counseling, particularly with someone understanding religious trauma Choose a supportive community that supports and respects your voice Setting clear, healthy boundaries to be safe and sane is Biblical You don't need to defend or justify your motivations to those who misjudge them Remember: Using spirituality as a weapon against you is not a reflection of Christ, or his body. You Are Not Alone To every woman reading this who feels silenced, invalidated, or trapped, I want you to know: Your pain is real, your experience matters, and your voice has been given you by God. The ways He empowers you to walk in faith and share Jesus with the world, no one can take from you. Spiritual abuse thrives in silence, under a mask of "godliness," to maintain the relational/community connection. But you are not expected to be superhuman to be the church. And God is not inviting people to join a dysfunctional family where spiritual abuse is acceptable, and no one can talk about it out loud to others. He longs that all would come to Him, be loved by Him, and know that love for ourselves- that we might love others with the same love. With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

This Stuff would Never Happen to Me Seems like both yesterday and a lifetime ago that I was a "normal" person. A wife, homeschool Mom, part-time Registered Nurse, and an active church participant. I wanted to love God, love my family, and love others. What was also normal (no, what I even deemed "good") was my striving-for-perfect performance, my ability to make others happy with me, and how I could navigate whatever system(s) I was in (school, church, relationships) to be successful and accepted . My loyalties were deep and fierce, and I considered those who walked away from our church or their marriage as troublemakers , unteachable , or disobedient to the "God-given order and authority" as I understood it (I was not as loving as I thought). I mean, how hard is it to walk the straight and narrow? I'd been doing it married over a decade and following the Lord for years prior to that, and was still barely pushing 30. I had it figured out. I was doing it right. I was fitting in... I was wrong. The Undoing Within a matter of years, the neatly wrapped yarn ball of my life was completely unwound into a knotted pile of chaos on the floor... No longer perfect , no longer pleasing , and no longer acceptable . The reality, of course, is that it never had been. My husband and I were fundamentally flawed from the outset; it's just that we had been able to control it (somewhat) and hide it (mostly). An addiction of my husband's resurfaced and escalated after years of sobriety, and something inside of him began to shift as he became an entirely different person about it. Instead of humility and repentance, there were lies , minimizing of the destruction that was resulting, and anger . Lots of anger . Meanwhile, I was starting to awaken to the fact that boundaries not only were a real thing, but were actually a good thing, for both of us. In all the years of battling the addiction in our marriage, including when it nearly ended a couple years in, I was told repeatedly I didn't have grounds for separation/divorce/other limitations, that I was overreacting , and that I needed to submit . As things escalated this time, I felt completely trapped , without say over the sanctity of my marriage, or even over control of my own body. Despite the increasingly alarming behaviors, including abuse of multiple kinds, those exhortations from church leadership didn't change. In despair, I became suicidal , and when those cries were still not heard, with the support of my own counselor and support groups, I began to set and keep my own boundaries- a place I could honor God (and actually live) in . The Result I expected that boundaries would increase safety and stability in my life. In the grand scheme of things, they did, but I could never imagine the opposition that followed, both in my marriage and even from the faith community. Also, those that caught wind or glimpses of major concerns did not reach out or follow up, but turned blind eyes and deaf ears. Life began to spiral out of control . At home, the anger grew. I was repeatedly called a feminist , told that I was in sin , cornered for periods of time and told to admit I was in sin, and promise to obey (I did not). Once, in a rage he drove 115 mph on the interstate until I would play a Bible verse on repeat that he felt was telling me to comply with his view. Despite the fact that his own addiction was raging out of control, I was told that I was "running into the arms of another man" if I asked any for help; I was not allowed to talk with our pastor or marriage counselor (both of whom were male) without my husband's supervision/knowledge. When things were so scary that I did reach out to them privately, they cooperated with his request to be notified, despite their knowledge of the repercussions I would suffer because of it (the anger responses, having my financial allowance taken, and more). I felt so trapped and unsafe; life truly felt "crazy making." Our pastor had decided to agree with his objections to my boundaries, and I was told to submit to my husband, even as he ripped up books on boundaries and my women's betrayal group journal. He was more resistant to getting help than I had ever seen, isolating from people, and had so much anger and blame toward me that it was becoming more frightening. He was also in a tremendous amount of internal pain . Still, there were a limited number of people who knew the details of our lives; he was able to appear his normal self to most of the world. He had never been this person . It was scary and disorienting . A bomb went off, impacting the entire rest of our lives, when my late husband died by suicide in an impulsive move after I talked with him about the necessity of him getting help and responding to my need for boundaries. Afterward in the church, I was removed from leading worship without cause, choices I made were questioned, and my attempts through various meetings to share my hurt and ask questions were not met with repentance or gentleness. I was simply told how it was going to go. After enough meetings saying things like, "Why is my life under a microscope because Andre died by suicide?" and attempting to work through these issues, it was clear there was going to be no change. I realized I was still trying to have a voice where I had none ... including in my own life and the expression of my faith. Leaving that church (and the support we needed in a critical time) was both devastating and necessary. Later, when Hope Speaker was born, I attempted to discuss some of what happened in person with individuals who didn't know the details (before doing so more publicly). I was horrified at the refusals to meet/talk , the corrections , warnings , and excuses for the abuse and harm ... however " spiritualized " they were. It was the same I had experienced before. It is so hard to finally speak the plain truth about what I have been through. Moving into a calling, a business, a ministry that involves sharing the depths of my own darkness and pain to reach others in theirs has been costly. But it has been an opportunity for deeper learning and healing. What It All Means The point of sharing my story is not that I was wronged. The issue is this continues , right now, to many- particularly to women . I have learned of it more and more, especially as I have opened up about my experience. What keeps many from sharing the harm done to them? From expecting a healthy response (which is genuine acknowledgment and repentance ) from others, particularly those who have some power / authority? From drawing boundaries that keep them in a God-honoring, limit-honoring, human place? It is often that they fear they will lose belonging . The saddest part is that they often will. My story is just one picture of how this can happen, even in places we spend decades, with people we believed to be as family to us. Somehow, victims and those wounded become blamed/held responsible , fully or partially, for the harm that has been done to them... This can be done by the ones hurting them, those who are complicit in the cycle, as well as those on the outside speaking into it. The patterns continue, the voiceless and powerless remain there. God is dishonored . The church, and the world, loses out. What needs to change? Here's a few things that are NOT working: Distancing ourselves from the mess of "those people" Choosing to ignore when we hear/see harm Dismissing people's expression of their limits or boundaries Expecting one spouse to "keep the marriage together," especially when they are not the one breaking it Using the Bible to put structures like marriage and church before the well-being of the people in them How the Bible is used to disempower , rather than empower , women By doing these, we will never be able to able to: 1) See that it could happen to us, or see it when it's happening to others 2) Believe others when they share 3) Discern the situation clearly with all people considered equal 4) Support survivors, and help them get out 5) Hold those doing the harm/abuse accountable 6) Make relationships safe places to be known, particularly in the struggles 7) Have marriages, families, and churches that reflect God 8) Help a large population of the body of Christ ( women ) walk in their calling: living in the Holy Spirit and sharing the gospel We lose belonging when systems, order, and authority are valued more highly than the humanity of individuals made in the image of God . Even though the pain may "wake up" some to realize that place is not where they want to belong, the wrongs are still wrong... and they come at a high price. Connection and trust are lost, not only in people, in the church, but in the Lord Himself. This is my honest cry. We can, we must, do better. God gives us what we need to do so. With you,  Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe  (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

"I know I can't be the only one, who's holding on for dear life..." The lyrics of a song I heard recently are hitting hard today, the day after election day. As the results came in (not just of the presidency, but the results of important ballot measures) I can see I am not the only one struggling from the outpour of frustrations, questions, anger and pain on social media, websites, and in text messages to my phone. Though there are celebrations happening, no one is standing today with a total victory cry, if they are being both realistic and honest. There is a sense of overwhelm with the world's problems and where it is all going, and a desire to escape to somewhere, elusively, "better." Not to mention our personal pain. It's hard to carry the weight of the world on a broken body, with struggles in our families, finances, and even in our own minds. My widowed friends are navigating it all alone now, as I did the COVID pandemic right after Andre's death... it's just too much. Those who struggle with depression or suicidal thoughts are treading water, trying to keep breathing, with a heavier load... it's just too hard. We wonder: How to we deal with uncertainty in life? How do we find hope in hard times? How do we stay strong and emotionally resilient? The song I heard ("I Am Not Okay" by Jelly Roll), stopped me in my tracks. It's been a hit song because so many of us can so easily relate to the lyrics: "I'm barely getting by I'm losing track of days And losing sleep at night I am not okay I'm hanging on the rails So if I say I'm fine Just know I learned to hide it well... I woke up today I almost stayed in bed Had the devil on my back And voices in my head Some days, it ain't all bad Some days, it all gets worse Some days, I swear I'm better off Layin' in that dirt..." Where do we go for the hope we desperately need? The resilience to stay, rather than try to escape? And to keep learning, growing and rebuilding when we are weary? Wildfire Regrowth in the Colorado Mountains "It's All Gonna Be Alright..." Here's the thing. We can't manage, uphold, sustain and maintain it all. Not for our children. Not in our marriages. To tell the truth, not even in our own hearts and minds most of the time. That is why it is such a relief that we don't have to . The outcome of our government policies, the direction of our children's lives, and our own stories that are being written, are carried by shoulders much larger than ours. And what a relief it is that the Lord does the heavy lifting, because we cannot carry it on our own. There is no other answer that is more freeing, than to lay down both the load and ourselves, into the merciful and loving hands of the Father. While listening to the song, I could not only relate to the struggle, but could feel the tension of it in my body. With the weight of the reality of life's sufferings, he simply says: "I'm not okay But it's all gonna be alright It's not okay But we're all gonna be alright" When I heard it, it seemed almost absurd, but it also rang undeniably true at a soul level. It is the only answer. Everything here is irreparably broken... AND, it's all going to be made right in the end. In Revelation 21:5 , describing the end times (which involve a lot of terribly hard things, by the way), God boldly proclaims: “Behold, I am making all things new.” Could it be true? That the battle we are fighting for life, goodness and beauty are real, but not ultimately ours to win? Is there is a rest , peace , and hope we can have in the midst of the pain because He will have the final word? The Only Way to Get it If it seems too good to be true that all the suffering and brokenness is "just going to work out in the end," then it is equally challenging to take hold of the solution, though it is free for the taking (the Kingdom way is often reversed/upside down from our earthly view). It is trust . If you cannot bring yourself to accept the offered gift that it is by faith, you cannot have it at all. If you won't lay your burdens, loved ones, and even yourself in His sovereign and good hands, you will continue to carry all of it yourself. In the song, the last verse is this: "I know one day We'll see the other side The pain'll wash away In a holy water tide And we all gonna be alright" There is something coming that is so much bigger than our temporary pains and problems. There is One returning who is so much bigger than the ways we try to save ourselves. HOW do we trust, and lean in? 1) Know Your Rescuer There is no rebuilding without a foundation. You have nothing, and no one, to anchor your trust in apart from the One who is good and in control, has the power to "make all things new," and who is reliably loving toward you. Without this, you are just "holding on for dear life." God is not shapeless, faceless, or nameless. The person of Jesus Christ came so that we could know his love and heart for our best, tangibly . He has also experienced our sufferings and knows our pains. We can trust in His empathy. His ways are good, His judgment is sound, and He is sovereign over all things. We can trust His wisdom and ways. Lastly, He is personal. We experience relationship with Him as we do with others in our lives (if we choose to). We can speak to Him, receive comfort and direction from Him, and let Him change and shape us and our minds and lives. We can trust in our relationship with Him . These things are a foundation for trusting Him and receiving the peace and hope we desperately need. 2) Pray Ask Him for what you need, for His Kingdom to come, and for more of Himself. The Holy Spirit lives in every believer (Ephesians 1:13), and is our direct connection in the Spirit to God. We can ask Him what He thinks, and actually receive a reply! I have a place the Lord has shown me repeatedly in a vision that I meet Him, and He continues to show me things and speak to me. Other times, I envision myself crawling up into His lap as my Father, to speak to Him. When you are feeling anxious, fearful, or overwhelmed, go to Him! You can tell Him everything in the most honest, real and raw way, and He can take it. He can also help turn it around. Bring Him all the pain and all the worry... over and over. 3) Let Him Carry It, and Strengthen You Sometimes what feels impossibly hard is actually letting go, and letting Him take what we've brought to Him. Personally, I find myself often trying to take it right back. He invites us to bring our burdens and promises a light burden - rest - in return. It sounds too good to be true; why don't we experience this more? Maybe it's harder than we think to give up "control" let Him do the heavy lifting. Whatever it is that has you straining under its weight, I want to invite you into His capable and tender care, and leave you with His blessing: “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” -Numbers 6:24-26 With you, my friend, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!

If you have been through tragedy, losses or a season of great suffering, you know what it's like to be unable to plug all of the holes that are sinking your ship. When your life is falling apart and the ship goes under, you not only have to survive in a disoriented state, but often navigate the stormy waters feeling alone. I remember clearly the pain, the overwhelm, and the despair, and yet, somehow, the world continued to turn. People resumed their normal routines. It felt as though they were sitting on a dock, enjoying a grand meal and time with their loved ones, while I (and my children) were screaming and drowning in the water nearby. What are we supposed to do when we feel that we can't take any more? Allow me to share three things that have been incredibly helpful: Look honestly at your pain Name and advocate for your needs Focus on safe relationships Look Honestly At Your Pain Can you see it? These pictures were taken less than two months apart. In one, I was a wife, mom, RN and entrepreneur, and in the other I was a widow by suicide and single mom of 4 broken children, losing my job(s), future... everything. I went into survival mode, and to be honest, I'm still not out of it fully in a number of ways (5.5 yrs later). It has completely changed my life and changed me. In my intense grief and hopelessness, I was suicidal myself. In the suicide survivor groups I am a part of, we can share pictures of the person we lost by suicide, and note that, in hindsight, "you can see it in their eyes..." When I look at this picture, I can see it in mine, too. At the time, I believed I had to soldier forward, take the slaps in the face, keep suffering, and keep everyone else alive... actually, even keep others pleased with me. And I nearly died trying. I have so much more compassion for myself now than I ever gave myself then. It's hard to look at the vulnerable wounds, and even harder to let yourself feel them , but the reality is that pain and trauma are not merely ideas to reflect on, or "weaknesses" to hide or compartmentalize. The hard part is seeing it - the pain and need - in our own eyes, and actually engaging the struggle (that it unfortunately is) to get the support and healing it takes to grow through the suffering rather than shatter under it. Only when we can look honestly at our pain and our needs, will we be able to accept and advocate for them. Will you allow yourself to see it, in your mirror? Can you hold your own pain with gentleness? Can you allow yourself to feel it, even to cry? To have compassion for your own wounds? Name And Advocate For Your Needs While pain and trauma are a very real part of our human experience, and can even directly damage the anatomy and physiology of our bodies, they can also be a door to deeper healing and deeper connection... if we actually get what we need . ➡️ Name what you Need It takes vulnerability to do this. We typically don't allow ourselves a gentle enough space to come up with solutions, because we are too stuck in other patterns of thinking, like: Life used to be stable before; where do I even start with this mess? I can't ask for more; I'm already a burden to people. I just have to do it myself. No one can help me with this. No one gets it; I am alone. I am trapped here the way it is. These beliefs keep us circling the drain. They are self-fulfilling prophecies, by which we feed into perpetuating a reality that we actually hate. It is so hard in dark places of loss, but we will be much better at determining what we need not only to sustain, but to rebuild , if we are willing to risk being creative and dreaming a little. Even in the darkness. I suggest sitting down in a peaceful space that feels light, and brainstorming answers to these questions: What is it that you need most right now? What would help ease the pain (that is healthy)? What would help lift the practical burdens a little? What would make your environment more safe, healing, and more bearable? Are there people, activities, and places that are especially life-giving to you? How can you create overlap in these? If you could live anywhere, do anything, or make big change(s) that would bring you joy, what might they be? Are there any adventures you could go on? What people feel safest and most healing to you? How can you build these relationships? What people and situations are hurtful or even destructive? What boundaries need to be drawn? Who can help you in this? ➡️ Advocate For What You Need When you have ideas of what you need and what would help you, you have to believe in them enough to fight for them. That's because (unfortunately, in this world) it often doesn't come without a struggle in making our voices heard, or asking... repeatedly (I like to joke that I learned to be a very persistent widow). When you are already suffering, however, this can be extremely difficult. We are so tender, and we often feel that people should rally around us when we're crumbling. I mean, we're drowning while they are enjoying a fancy meal on the dock, right? The gap is sometimes so wide it's hard to grasp, especially in great pain. This is a dangerous place for us sufferers. While it is true that we are devastated, even falling apart, we cannot have expectations of other people, especially of ultimate rescue. It lands us in an even worse place of disappointment, loss, and lack of health. They need to determine what they can and can't do to help. That being said, it is also not true that others can dismiss what we are saying we need. We have to keep advocating for it, perhaps just from a different source. Once, at a time I was at my lowest in widowhood and had already attempted suicide once, I reached out to a group asking for help and overlap on Sundays. It used to be a family day for us, and after my late husband died, it became a day of absolute hell. I was finding myself on my bathroom floor every week, sobbing in grief, with children fighting non-stop. It was stress, chaos, and pain for all 5 of us. I knew I was waaaaay past my limits, and our family was not in a good place on that day. Someone replied and actually told me that I didn't need the presence or help of other people on Sundays, but what I actually needed was to come up with our own "new traditions" on that day and figure it out... just me and the 4 kids. It was one of the worst things that has ever been said to me. Despite sharing my pain and that I had been suicidal, this person didn't get it. But here's the thing: I'm saying that they don't need to. You know what you need. And that alone is enough for you to seek it out. Advocate for it. Be persistent. Your journey through suffering is not going to be on other people's time frames or follow their agendas. The responses may be ridiculous, people may not agree, and not everything you wish for may be possible. But keep pursuing what you feel you need to move in a healthy direction. There are people out there willing to help, and there are paths forward! Focus On Safe Relationships I hope you can see the lead-in to this point from what has been shared. A large part of how we get through seasons of life that are too much, too hard, for too long is finding true companions to walk through it with. Just as we can be deeply wounded in relationships, we can find tremendous healing through them as well. Although it can be scary to open up to people when we have been hurt, it will be a critical piece to our transformation. Dr. Curt Thompson writes: "We find all kinds of ways to disconnect from our pain rather than allowing others to be with us in our pain ." The "faithful few," as I like to call them, are those people who will companion you in your pain and in the grief of your losses. They come alongside to offer support (where they can) without judgment, without pushing for their own way/time frames, and with whom you can share openly and honestly without being wounded further. They offer empathy and presence. "Where are these people?!" you may ask. They do exist! They are not perfect (no one is), but what they bring consistently is goodness to yo u. It may take time to find them, and they may show up unexpectedly. From my experience, the people you think should/would be there for you when all hell breaks loose may not be the ones who do, or can. In the midst of tragedy, I found the leaders in my church, and even some in my own family, were the ones who were taking my feet out from under me and inflicting the most pain after the bombs went off in my life. I needed to move to a safer church body, and to draw and hold boundaries, though I felt weak and vulnerable as a widow. It was also horrible to realize, through other experiences, that there were people who would take advantage of me, in various ways, in the most broken place of my life. 💔 In addition to possibly needing to distance from some relationships that are bringing harm, remain open to those who are coming into your life who are a blessing. Trust that the people who are supposed to be there with you can come out of the woodwork. You may not have even known them before, and they end up being the ones you need. Oftentimes it is others who either have/are walking a similar suffering to ours, or who simply have navigated deep pain in an honest way themselves. I found that widows, single moms, suicide survivors and strugglers, women who have experienced being voiceless/powerless: they are my people! They get it in a way no one else can. They have been through the same hell. So, keep praying and looking for safe people and communities to heal with. You need them, and they also need you! You are not too broken. It is not over. It is not hopeless. And, it will not always be the way it is right now. You are not alone on this journey. 🫶 Take heart, my friend, and: Look honestly at your pain Name and advocate for your needs Focus on safe relationships You are going to make it! With you, Rachel 🌻 As always, hit one of the buttons below 👇 to be able to share this post, or hit back to return to the main blog page & subscribe (at the top) to be in-the-know when a new post drops!